


The Very Secret Diary of April Patterson (and friends)

by MrToddWilkins



Category: For Better or For Worse (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Long, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Textspeak, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-01-31 01:29:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 198
Words: 108,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21437956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrToddWilkins/pseuds/MrToddWilkins
Summary: Chapter 93 is when this will all shake out. But don’t worry,moar craziness is to come!
Relationships: Howard Bunt & Becky McGuire, Howard Bunt/Becky McGuire, Howard Bunt/Karen McGuire, Karen McGuire/Ted McCauley, Thorvald McGuire (For Better or For Worse)/Kortney Krelbutz, eventual April Patterson/Jeremy Jones, eventual Becky McGuire/Gerald Forsythe
Kudos: 2





	1. June 23,2005

Hi, everyone! This is April Patterson, and this is my blog. I tried to start one before, but my nosy mother caught me. But since she's such a clueless foob, I convinced her a blog is a place to post fridge pics an’ stuff like that. As if.


	2. June 23,2005 - comments

Deanna Patterson wrote:

Well, goodness!!! I'll have to include a link to your REAL blog on my own site!  
  
I can't wait to read all the behind-the scenes dirt you have to tell!  
  


April Patterson wrote:

Thanks, Dee! You're such a kewl sis-in-law. Just don't tell Mom about this site!


	3. June 24,2005

Liz, Liz, Liz! It's always about Liz!  
  
First of all, Mom knew Liz was coming home with the cat. Eddie and Dixie have never lived with cats, so what did she think was gonna happen? A big, happy animal party? So why didn' she put the dogs in the back herself before she went to the bus station to meet Liz?  
  
So I'm up in my room dressed for grad, nylons an' everything, when Mom expects me to get the stinky dogs out back. Finally, Liz is all, "I'm going in", so now she gets be the big hero.  
  
Well, I've gotta go. Mom's yellin' again.  
  



	4. June 24,2005 - comments

April Patterson wrote:

  
May I jump in here? More from April...  
  
God, I hope my boobs look big enough in this dress. I want to look HOT! Which is, of course, why I put my hair up in this ponytail. I think it makes me look like I'm only 9, but Becky says it makes me look like a really sexy roadside gig. She kind of grinned when she said that. So maybe she was kidding? I don't know. Well, she's a really good friend, so she wouldn't lead me astray...would she? It's so hard to know when you're dealing with non-Pattersons. You just can't trust them. Oh well, it's too late to do anything about my hair anyway. I already have my nylons on.


	5. June 25,2005

See, I knew Liz was bringing Shiimsa home. But did she even bother to stop and notice how hot an' tasty I look all dressed up for grad? Nope, because it's always Liz, Liz, Liz for her. So I played clueless little sis and opened that door. And did you see the look on Ma's face? She was so surprised her glasses came flying off!  
  
I almost said "Hi, Mike," when I saw Liz today, because for some reason she's lookin' like my bro. Then I noticed she had her hair up in a nasty bun, sorta like the one Mom always wears these days. Which reminds me, Mom slapped me across the face last week, when I mistook her for Dad. It's not my fault--she had a big fishin' hat and baggy clothes on, an' she looked just like Dad. Sometimes Mike looks a lot like Dee, but without the big lips. I hope it's not genetic. I don' wanna look like a boy. (Shup up Becks, don't say I'm built like one anyway!)  
  
By the way, did you know Mom blames me for her nose? Her nose! You see, she says her thighs are Mike's fault. Says she had nice, thin thighs before he was born, but bein' pg with him packed the flab on 'em. Says Liz gave her a big butt. Me? Her nose! Whoever heard of pg causin' fat _noses_?  
  
An' she didn' think it was funny when I made a joke about the crevASSe having a nice, wide seat. "It's not pronounced crev-ASS, April, it's cruh-VAHSS. Now get Dad away from his idiotic trains and tell him it's time for dinner!"  
  
Well, that's all I've got time for now.  
  



	6. June 25,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Oh, admit it, Ape, you're jealous because I'm a 9 in the looks department and you're only a 6.  
  
It's OK, LYLAS anyway!  
  
CYL, Becks!  
  
April Patterson wrote:  
  


Becks, you promised we'd never talk about this again!


	7. June 26,2005

So first I go to Starbucks with the Beckster and order the triple-shot grande latte. I was up so late last night IM'ing boys with cute-sounding profiles, so I needed a pick-me-up. Then Beck gives me a little pill and says it's this herbal, natural vitamin thing that'll give me energy and help me eat less. An' she's all lookin' at my butt when she says "eat less". Is my butt starting to look like my Mom's? So I take the pill and next thing I know, I'm buzzing like crazy, my eyes are almost poppin' outta my head, and I'm all fascinated by this st00pid hummingbird. I don't even know what I just said to Mom, but I hope she doesn't suspect I'm chemically enhanced.  
  
Don't you think I totally need a **cell phone** now that I'm gonna be in high school? I don't wanna be the only one who doesn't get to have one, and it's the perfect grad gift!


	8. June 26,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Oh my God! You STILL don't have a cell phone? You are SO out of it! Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with a dork like you. If you don't get cooler soon, I will have to ditch you. I can't be seen with a fooby friend in high school. No offense, but I have a rep to maintain, you know?  
  
And I borrowed that pill from my mom's purse. I see her take them all the time after she goes out late to the bars. She told me they were vitamins. I didn't know, okay?!  
  
LYLAS!

April Patterson wrote:

Oh-mah-_gah_, Becks, you have no idea what it's like to live with my 'rents! D'ya think they care when I tell 'em it's social suicide not to have a phone yet? Mom's all, "We didn't have cell phones when I was your age and somehow I survived!" Just cuz she went to high school back when peeps were walkin’ on the Moon, I'm supposed to suffer!?  
  
An' hey, don' worry about the pill, actually your Mom's pills rock! I had so much energy, I reorganized my closet, my dad's collection of model-train instruction manuals, and the pets' vaccination records. Then I wrote ten songs.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

Yeah, your parents are way lame. Remember that time I ate dinner over your house, an' your mom gave me a 20 minute lecture because I didn't want to eat my 'rots? Oh, an' I forgot to ask you this before, but how come everyone in your family is so obsessed with boiled 'rots?  
  
I guess I'll stick by you in high school. You're right, I spose it's not your fault your parents make you look like a foob. All the other girls hate me anyway, ever since I went roadside with Jeffo.  
  
I'll try to steal some more pills outta Mom's purse. It'll be easy. When she comes home from the bars, she passes out on the couch an' sleeps til noon the next day. She won't notice if I snag a couple.

Also,since when do you have a phone? Oh, right, your Ma doesn't let you bring it to school! I forgot.  
  
You definitely need an upgrade. It's not even a flip phone!  
  
LYLAS forever!


	9. June 27,2005

Yep, that's right, Liz, I finally have a rack that can hold up a strapless! Okay, I'm actually cheating with some pins an' rubberbands an' stuff, but Liz doesn' hafta know that. At least she finally noticed how hot I look! "Spectacular" is right!  
  
I don't blame Shiimsa for bein' a bit scared. Look at us. I can't quite put my finger on it, but we all look a little weird, like our limbs and features are, I dunno, not drawn very well. I guess _everyone_ feels this way sometimes, right? Right?  
  
Some people tell me I should grow out my bangs, but the truth is I'm afraid. Look what happened to Liz. I'm pretty sure she used to have a forehead. If that's gonna happen to me, I at least wanna have bangs to cover that shiz up.


	10. June 27,2005 - comments

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

  
Hey, April-  
  
ur so teh hotz in your dress! Wanna share gum after school?

  
Becky McGuire wrote:

Oh my god, Apes, I was kidding about the ponytail looking sexy. You gotta do your hair like Katie Holmes if you wanna catch some cute boys. No offense, but Gerald isn't any Tom Cruise, you know. But you know, in that dress, even I have to admit you look like a 7 or an' 8.  
  
I'm bringing some of mom's vitamins to grad. They'll help us stay awake during the ceremony, an' help us dance all night, an' stay thin if we eat too much cake! They're like MAGIC pills!  
  
LYLAS

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

becky - ur nothing but a big roadside foob. i'm so going to swap gum with april an' u can't stop me, cuz i'm hot dinner on the table, baby.  
  
also, ape so looks teh hotz with her ponytail. so there!

————

Michael Patterson wrote:

okay so im really new at this internet thing somebody told me that its called the world wideweb but that jsut sounds really stupid so anyway dee said thta this is were my little sister april has a blog i said whats a blog and dee said its kind of like a diary online and i said well thats really stupid if yuo whanted a diary why wouldnt you just right it in a book like eveyrone else i guess its just cause som people cant right good so they hafta rely on coumpeuters for grammur and sppellcheck so anyway dee said she didnt knoe but that alot of kids do it becaus e they want to be cool so i figurde id do it to be cool two and maybe someone famous like graydon carter will read this an ill get hired at vanity fair oh well anyway i just wanted to say whats up aypo word out lizardbreath

—————-

Becky McGuire wrote:

Apes, you should let me do your hair. Liz doesn't know anything about looking sexy. Look how she dresses! My sis taught me how to do hair and she got top marks at beauty school.  
  
And you can do way better than Gerald. He can call me all the names he wants but I was voted Most Popular in our yearbook and he was just Class Clown. He is not hot dinner on a plate--he's cold leftovers with mold. Fix your hair and you can definitely do better in high school.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

wut-EVAH! u are only "most popular" cuz ur name is written all over the guy's bathroom. an' ur jealous you can't make it with a sizzling steak on the platter like me. ur also jealous of april, cuz she is way more classy than you. she don't need to get nekkid for attention.

Becky McGuire wrote:

Gerald, if I offered to go roadside with you, you would do it in a heartbeat. You know it, I know it, and April knows it.  
  
And I have no reason to be jealous of Apes, 'cause she is my BFF, and 'cause everyone knows I am prettier an' popularer than her.


	11. June 28,2005

There goes my Dad and his fooby puns again. The worst part is when he stands there with this look on his face, like he's waitin' for ya to bust a gut, or at least for the laugh track to kick in. Dad, just, ew.  
  
But enough about Dad, let's talk about _me_! I mean, this is still my grad day, though for some reason this day jus' seems to be draggin' on forever. Some peeps were sayin' my dress was a bit skimpy for a grade 8 grad.


	12. June 28,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Ooh, April's parents are way lame. The outfit I'm wearing to grad looks like this:  
  
Gold lame halter top dress with neckline that plunges to my navel. The skirt just barely covers my crotch. Black patent leather boots complete the outfit.  
  
Gotta go cuz my sis is gonna do my makeup an' she says it's gonna take awhile to slather on all that eye makeup.  
  
Apes, doesn't your mom know that the point of grad is to get laid at the after-party? Grad is the new prom.  
  


Jeff Bray wrote:

Becky? McGuire? Do I know you? Oh, right, I "ran into" you over Christmas. Now, go an’ sit down like a good girl.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

Jeffo, don't pretend like u don't know who I am. U said u loved me, but after we went roadside, u never called me back. Now I know u were just using me for sex. I hope u get a STD an' your wiener turns green an' falls off. Not that it would matter cuz it's already way small.


	13. June 29,2005

So here's what happened. I thought we were all about to walk out the door to go to grad, when Liz said, "Oh, I forgot to open Shiimsa's cage an' say goodbye to her." She said it would only take a **minute**. Ten minutes later, my Dad's all making jokes about graduating _grad_ually, Mom's stompin' her feet an' sighin', an' I'm the only one who bothers goin' up to say somethin' to Lizardbreath! Then she's all, "**YOU'RE UPSETTING MY CAT**!" Poor Shiimsa.  
  
An' look at my hair. Liz did it for me--she promised me she would make it all nice, but it looks like she just put me in the Patterson women's updo club. And she took so long there was no time to go over to Becky's house and get something more, I dunno, 2005? I also think the clutchy little evenin' purse is a bit too much, but Mom insisted it goes with the dress. I'm so countin' the days 'til high school grad. Remember, two years until I can drive, four before I can drink (yay Canada!), four to graduating grade 12 an' bye-bye Milborough!  
  
By the way, next year I'll be goin' to **R.P. Boire Secondary School**. How foobish a name is that?  
  
Well, wish me luck, I think I'm gonna need it!  
  



	14. June 29,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Why did your sis give you Frigid Old Lady hair? You're not like your Mom an' Liz. While we r waiting 4 grad to start, maybe I can fix it. Damn, i do not think that looking like your mom means u r looking fancy. It means u r looking like a fooby ole lady.  
  
We can fix it.

April Patterson wrote:

Thanx, Becks, ur the best!  
  
LYLAS

Becky McGuire wrote:

That's what Jeffo said.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

Becks, I heard that Brad Luggsworth had to chase Jeffo out of the parking lot outside of the grade-9 ice-cream social last week, cuz he was lookin' for his next date.

Caitlin Thomas wrote:

You girls don't know me, but I jus' finished grade 9. Becks, Jeffo did the same thing to me he did to you, 'cept it was over summer vaca last year. We "went there" an' he said he loved me an' everything, then he acted all like he didn' know me when school started. U R rite, he's such a roadside gig.

Becky McGuire wrote:

oh 4got to ask before but does your mom no we are gonna go on the road with 4Evah right after high school grad? or does she still think you’re going to college?

if you did go to uni, why couldn't u just major in something that no one else in your family did before? how come you gotta do what they did?  
  
anyway, don't tell her about 4Evah's world tour--just run away.

April Patterson wrote:

Becks, my mom's totally obsessed with uni. She's all, "Oh, April, you have to start thinking about what your major will be. Maybe English, like Michael. Or education like Liz. Maybe you can be a dentist like your dad. Or go into business, like me.”


	15. June 30,2005

Well, I dunno what my folks an' Liz were yammerin' about while they were gawkin' at Becky an' me. They were too far away for me to hear, but I'm guessin' it was pretty lame an' foobish. Maybe someone who was closer to them can fill me in, in case they said anything worth hearing.  
  
Becks is lookin' good, doncha think? But she told me her dad had a last-minute fit about that Paris Hilton gold-lamé halter dress she was gonna wear. It seems at first glance he mistook her for his girlfriend, Brandy. Then he took her to the mall an' made her get a dress he picked out himself. 'Rents, who can figure 'em? Becks'll probably fill you in with more deets in the comments.  
  



	16. July 1,2005

Gerald seems kinda mad about Becks takin' the stage to sing at grad. Maybe cuz he thought 4Evah coulda played as a group? Well, there's not too much more to say about this right now. Wait an' see what happens. . . .  
  
An' yeah, even _I'm_ tired of hearin' me talk about **grad**, **grad**, **grad**, all **grad**all the time. I guess next thing ya know it'll be **farm**, **farm**, **farm**. But I'll try to mix things up a bit. Maybe Aunt Bev can give me some dirt on Dad.  
  
By the way, do you ever have a weird feeling you're being used? An' that's not even how I'm dressed for grad. Not only that, but some of those pics look like they're from when I was like four or five. WTF?


	17. July 1,2005 - comments

Elly Patterson wrote:

What do you expect, April? Becky is one of those spoiled only children. Even worse she's from a divorced family--you know how kids from divorced families turn out. Plus she's not a Patterson.

April Patterson wrote:

Oh, hi, Ma--nuthin' to see here, move right along, I'm gonna go do my chores now.  
  
[chanting to myself]go to ur happy place, go to ur happy place. . . .[/chanting]


	18. July 2,2005

Wow, who knew Becks was feelin' so sentimental about this occasion? You're fulla surprises, my friend!

Anyways,have the lyrics of her song:

(piano)

_This is the last year of childhood,_

_This is the last time we’ll share,_

_Fairy tales,innocent wildhood,_

_And days without cares,_

_without cares._   
  


_This is the last year of leaning,_

_This is the time we shall stand,_

_Everything now has more meaning,_

_Our life’s in our hands,_

_in our hands._

  
(piano interlude)

  
_This is the night we’ll remember,_

_This is the night we’ll depart,_

_With thoughts of a bright new September,_

_that’ll stay in our hearts,_

_in our hearts._

(French)

C'est la dernière année de l'enfance,

C’est la dernière fois que nous partageons,

Contes de fées, sauvage innocent,

Et des jours sans soucis,

sans soucis.

  
Ceci est la dernière année de penchement,

C’est le moment où nous resterons,

Tout a maintenant plus de sens,

Notre vie est entre nos mains,

dans nos mains.

C’est la nuit dont nous souviendrons,

C’est la nuit de notre départ,

En pensant à un nouveau mois de Septembre,

ça restera dans nos cœurs,

dans nos coeurs.

Edit:Mike added that part. He says hi.


	19. July 3,2005

Liz says she thinks a _Landscaping With Lawrence_ exercise video would sell well. I dunno, would you buy that?  
  
So anyway, Liz was totally beat from workin' at Lawrence's place, an' I can't say I blame her for boltin' when Mom came lookin' for someone to mow the lawn. She'd spent the whole day doin' yard stuff. But guess who got stuck doin' the lawn? Yup, lil 'Pril. This wouldn' be so bad for a kid with normal parents, but my mom's got all sorts of crazy rules for mowin' a lawn "properly". So even after I was done cutting the grass, I had to stand there while Mom did her inspection, measuring the grass, running her fingers along the edges, comparing the lawn to pictures, sniffing the air above the grass while flappin' her arms toward herself. Then there are always "corrections" to make. Yeah, I _wish_ I were makin' this stuff up.  
  



	20. July 4,2005

Hey, I know it looks like I'm takin' credit for the ceremony bein' nice an' Becks havin' talent, but didn' you ever have one of those stupid, automatic things come outta yer mouth? Like, "Happy Birthday!" "You, too!" Besides, I was all thinkin' about the dance--and now Mom says Liz is pickin' me up at **11**!  
  
It's nice to hear someone in my fam praisin' Becks 4 a change, but I kinda wish my mom woulda said it, since she's always all "spoiled only child, divorcing parents", yada yada.  
  
Well, time to have some fun b4 I'm off to Greenacres. . . . .  
  



	21. July 4,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Don't worry Apes, I thought you were sayin' thanks about how nice your dad thought the ceremony wuz. Anyway, I don't mind whatever dumb stuff you gotta say to your 'rents to get 'em to leave you alone.  
  
I M surprized they let you stay out 'til 11. I don't got a curfew, but that's cuz Mom is too busy humping her new bf to notice what I do.  
  
Thanx for the props. I wuz hoping you'd be surprized!  
  
LYLAS, Becks  
  


April Patterson wrote:

well, becks, i hope duncan an' gerald give ya props, 2. i think they looked impressed when u were singin', but ya never know w/them.  
  
hey, if ur mom locks u out again, u can sleep over.  
  
lylas

Becky McGuire wrote:

i don't no what their prob is, but duncan an' gerald are both pissed at me. They sed I should just stay a tambourine girl. What-evah. They're just jealous.  
  
Maybe I could just plan to come stay at your house after the dance? I think my mom is havin' a party with some of her friends from the bar an' those guys creep me out with the way they ogle my boobage.

....I dunno, at least you're guyses mom wants to look like an old lady. My mom wants to look like Christina Aguilera during her super-skanky phase.  
  
Ape, when u an' Liz were in the ladys room after grad, ur mom totally went off on me how it was so mean of me to sing an' take the spotlight off of u during ur grad. Then i said, "it's my grad too an' Apes duzen't sing" an' ur mom went way bonkers. She kept yelling something about how u can tell i'm not a Patterson. Well, duh! I don't have a big ole turnip nose. Apes, u r so lucky u didn't get the tater nose. Sorry Liz, but maybe u can get surgery.  
  
LYLAS, Becks  
  
April Patterson wrote:  
  


yeh, becks, i think u'd better stay over if ur mom's havin' one of those parties of hers. that 1 time when i was there an' she had 1, those bar guys gave me the kreeps!  
  
thanks, liz, iou 1! u were rite not to let mom talk u into the ole-ladee shawl. she even yelled at u for wearin' ur contacts instead of ur glasses. she's so freeekie sometimes!  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

i don't mean 2 b mean 2 u liz. u and apes r lucky 2 b so pretty even tho your 'rents are both way ug. ur nose isn't so big now but i m worried that it will start growing as u get older like ur mom's did. just sayin' maybe surgery could help u not turn into a scary lookin' old potato nosed crone like ur mom.  
  
genetics aren't kind to lots of us. i m a babelicious blonde now but my mom has real saggy boobs an' i will probably need a lift b4 i'm 40.


	22. July 5,2005

Peeps, my big bro nagged me until I let him post his "advice", since he was a no-show for my big event. We'll get back to regular Apes programming as soon as poss, I promise. . . .  
\------------------------------  
Advice From Your Big Brother  
by  
Michael Patterson  
Editor of _Portait_ Magazine  
Freelance writer  
Editor at Large  
Allaround bigshot  
  
Dear April,  
  
Thank you for letting me post my world-weary, winsome (lose-some) wisdom to your wonderful, witty weblog. As I write this, in the backyard, a gentle breeze hits my face, and I remember my own grade 8 grad fifteen years ago. What a youthful scamp I was, donning my suit, letting Dad help me with my tie, facing the new challenges that lay ahead. Hey, look, it's the Kelpfroths' laundry. I never imagined Winnie to be the thong type, that is way too much information, but it's okay because at least they're saving energy by hanging their laundry out to dry. But they're evil people who smoke cigars and hate children, so even when they do the right thing, I'm compelled to make nasty remarks about them.  
  
"Nasty remarks" makes me think of peer pressure, and that's what I want to address next, and by that I don't mean my postal address, I mean that's what I'm about to talk about next. The teenage years are infested with peer pressure like the flat I shared with Weed in college was infested with cockroaches, but that's because we were slobs, though at least we had our Ned doll, and we knew how to let loose and have fun. But you should never let loose and have fun, because you're a girl, and girls have different rules, because girls can get pregnant. So no matter how much your friends pressure you, never let a boy touch you below the waist. Actually, you shouldn't let them touch you much above the waist, either, I figure there's maybe about three inches of space in the waist region where you might--_might_\--let a boy touch you, but only _very very_ briefly, and then that's it young lady! And don't even think about having S-E-X before you get married, and then only to have children, exactly two, a girl and a boy.  
  
The breeze that gently caresses my face reminds me of other times breezes have gently touched my face, as I lay in our parents' backyard, listening to Elton John on my boombox, relaxing until I heard Mom yell, "TURN OFF THAT BLASTED JUNGLE MUSIC, MICHAEL PATTERSON, OR I SWEAR I WILL TAKE YOU TO ALASKA AND THROW YOU IN A SNOW DRIFT!" I still get choked up thinking about that now. Mom loves us so much! Remember always to listen to her sage advice, as she really does know best. Right, Mom? Please don't hurt me!  
  
In conclusion, breezes are good, peer pressure, sex, and Kelpfroths are bad, and Mom knows everything. Wow, I can't believe my Little Sis is going to be in high school. High school. High. . . . . Oh, man, do I have the munchies!  
  
Love,  
  
Michael  
\-------------------------------  
  



	23. July 5,2005 - comments

Duncan Anderson wrote:

But you don't have a sister, Becky! You're a spoiled only child! Do these pants make my butt look big? Um...just wondering.

Marla McGuire wrote:

duncan, y r u pretendin' u don't no about me? becks told u the whole story about our dad knockin' up my mom back in hi school. i got adopted by a nice couple who didn't tell me about my birth 'rents until i was 12.  
  
but i know u no all that, since i'm the one who did ur hair an' makeup for ur grad. an' yes, those pants make ur ass look huge.

Becky McGuire wrote:

Marla is an awesome older sis she bought me tequila and condoms at Wal-Mart last week. Rock on! Don't worry Apes, I will share them with you--we will each need some of both for the after-party. Only don't waste them on gerald i saw some grade 10 boys who crashed the dance an' one of them was tryin' to look down your dress.  
  
see u round the dance floor  
  
the real Becks

Jeff Bray wrote:

i confess. i am the imposter becky. i was jus' messin' 'round.  
  
Becky McGuire wrote:

go away jeffo. ur not getting me 2 go roadside again. i‘m so much better than u. ape helped me find my self-esteem. now i m a singing sensation.


	24. July 6,2005

Well, I sure hope the pets are gettin' along okay while my friends an' I are at the dance. I'll fill u in with the deets on that l8r, peeps, but meanwhile, someone left a comment that has given me an idea for this post. Have you had any weird experiences with my Mom? If so, leave a comment! Y'know, being a Patterson can be a strange an' scary thing. One summer, Mom had "Proud to be a Patterson" t-shirts made for us all. I couldn't wait to "lose" mine at camp. I think Mike still wears his, though.  
  



	25. July 6,2005 - comments

Jill Scott wrote:

I haven't seen the Pattersons for many, many years, but I saw them at a party once, a little over 25 years ago. Elly looked much, much different then. I must admit, I was looking pretty hot, in a low-cut form-fitting gown, and I had a nice chat with John. Most of the men at this party were staring at my chest, but believe it or not, John was actually staring at my _teeth_. But apparently, Elly didn't believe this. She came running after me, calling me a shameless hussy, wanton harlot, and husband tempter. Anyway, as I said, it's been years. I hope she's gotten a bit more normal since then?

Michael Patterson wrote:

April, you traitor! Mom is a SAINT! I can't believe you purposely lost that precious t-shirt. I wear mine with pride! I got Merrie and Robin their own Patterson t-shirts, too!


	26. July 7,2005

Jeremy Jones! It's bad enuf that he's got some stank-ass B.O. goin' on there, but then he has to say all this stuff about how Becks'll think she's too big for the band. What does he know? He's jealous that we even have a band! An' can u believe that lame line about "nothing lasts 4-Evah"? What's he been doin', hangin' out with my Dad? To top it all off, Jeremy got really drunk in the first 20 minutes of the dance. Looza!  
  
So Becks is flirtin' with the DJ, what diff does that make? An' so what if she's feelin' like a bigshot tonight--she deserves it. Every1 totally loved her song!   
  
TTYL


	27. July 7,2005 - comments

DJ K-Dawg wrote:

Becks,  
  
Hey chick! Wot's up? Meant to tell you that it was dope hangin' with you at the dance. I don't usually get to talk to a whole lot of hunnies at my gigs - especially honeys who get into my mad beats.  
  
Just wanted to tell you that I think you got mad talent, girl! And I got a buddy who's got some recording equipment. He records a couple local bands, but he said he'd be happy to do you too! He charges about $35/hr, but I'm sure you could swing a deal wit him! Anyway, let me know if you're into it and I'll text him.  
  
Later

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

UR jus' jellus, Jeremy, cuz April won't swap gum with u! C'mon, Apes, let's make out behind the gym.

Becky McGuire wrote:

piss off jeremy, Apes is still my BFF even if i get famous an' she doesn't. also, even if shannon is a tard, she is still way smarter than u because she is one of my biggest fans.  
  
dj k-dawg, don’t think i m as young an' naive as i was before i went roadside with jeffo. now i m worldly-wise an' i kno you an' your friend just want to double-team me an' film it with your daddy's digital camera. i m a serious artist now an' i'm not falling for that kind of crap n.e. more.  
  
LYLAS, Apes! Beckster  
  
P.S.--piss off Gerald, no one iz jellus of u. apes is gonna dump you soon, after she gets her grad present from u.


	28. July 8,2005

Aw, Gerald's talkin' all sweet 2 me, an' I'm such a sucker 4 that, I can't even tell you! Becky's been tellin' me I oughta trade up, but I can't help havin' a soft spot for ol' Gerald. And what girl can resist bein' told she looks awesome? Then he even wants to do a slow dance with me, which is great an' all, but it was a bit awkward since there was a fast song playin'. Oh, well, the next song was a slow one, so it ended up workin' out.  
  
In other news, it looks like ol' Apes is growin' some cleavage, can u believe it? It's weird how sometimes I look like I've got nuthin' an' other times I've got the boobage goin' on.


	29. July 8,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

  
ugh apes, trade up already. gerald was moving more decrepit then your grandpa.  
  
Becks.

Duncan Anderson wrote:

becks, i heard in the locker rm that u've "been there" an' "done that". Um, er, hrm, um. What's it like?  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

been where? the only place i've ever visited is sheboygan, to go see my grand'rents when my parents broke up the first time.  
  
if u r trying to insinuate that i m roadside, get over it already. i have learned from apes an' her sis an' her mom that only a life of virginity is truly rewarding. /s  
  
lylas


	30. July 9,2005

I know I told you that Gerald an' I are trying to be "just friends", but I kinda forgot all that at the dance. First we do all these dances, an' next thing I know we're out in the hallway makin' out. I just hope Liz doesn't catch us an' tell Mom. Be cool, Liz!  
  
Becky gots lots of attention at the dance! Kids who barely talked to her the whole time we went to that school were suddenly comin' up to her to tell her how cool an' talented she is. Duncan kept shootin' her dirty looks an' mumblin' under his breath whenever some1 came over to give her some props. Duncan's been my friend forever (insert 4-Evah joke here) an' I luv him, but he's gotta chill!  
  
I'll give ya all more deets soon, tho I have a feeling I'm goin' off on a tangent tomorrow.


	31. July 9,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Dunc is just mad 'cause he asked me 2 go roadside with him an' i told him i don't do it with foobs.  
  
Apes, follow my lead an' don't go roadside with a dork like Gerald. U can do much much better. UR practically married 2 him, U have been dating so long. That is lame-o. U must be free so U can meet all the cool guys in high school.  
  
LYLAS, Becks.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

Becks, UR so rite,an' my mind tells me UR rite, but I'm so weak sometimes! Oh, well, mayB there'll B sum cute boyz near my Aunt Bev's farm to help take my mind off Gerald.  
  


Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

I am shaking so hard! I just got a talking-to from Mom. "Liz! Look at all this cat hair everywhere!" "Liz look what your cat did" "Liz are you so stupid that you left your bedroom door open?" "You are going to clean every bit of this mess up young lady!" And that wasn't even the worst of it. I am having terrible flash backs to my childhood, and it is now that I remember why I wanted to teach so far away! Anyway, I just had to get out of the house. I'm just not feeling right at the moment. I'm sorry Apes if I pick you up a little early, and for any behavior I may exhibit at finding you innocently kissing Gerald. I'm just not feeling like myself at the moment.


	32. July 10,2005

Y'know, I love Gramps an' everything, but sometimes I just don' know about him. I got this totally random call from him braggin' about how his walker is better than some other old guy's walker. Somethin' about rear spring-loaded yadda an' dual padded foldin' blah blah, turnin' sumthin' an' three chime ha-ha. I find him much less disturbin' when he's goin' on about gr00peez askin' him to sign their body parts!  
  
Well, if yer NEthing like me, an' I know you are, you find the Gramps stuff pretty dull NEway, an' you want to hear more about the dance an' all. Well, Becks told me that the DJ guy was totally hittin' on her while tellin' her he can make her the next Britney, Jessica, or Christina. An' Becks is all, cha, as if. She sez she hates it when guys act like she'll fall for NEthing just cuz she's pretty. An' as for Gerald an' me, well, I feel a big blush comin' on. . . .  
  
That's all 4 now, peeps!


	33. July 10,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

yeah men are dumb they think we will believe anything they say if they give us some compliments. that DJ thought he'd get a BJ if he told me I looked like that buffy the vampire slayer girl. as if! i don't even watch sci fi.

  
apes, u should get some self-respect an' stop falling for all gerald's lines cuz u got it goin' on girl. u could do so much better without even trying. u don't need to put out just to get compliments from a foob like him.  
  
i know i sound like a broken record but u really seem to have a self-esteem problem when it comes to boys  
  
lylas

April Patterson wrote:

i know, becks, i'm startin' 2 think i've got more issues than van. fair mag (an' i don't think they r gonna hire u mike)! just when i was startin' 2 feel kinda ok about my bod....

Mike Patterson wrote:

vanity fair, is soo totally going to hire, me. graydon carter, is going to flip, when i tell him i've been taking a summer writing, course at the local uni. i mean, i've been learninfg all abot punctu-, punctua--commas and periods, and exclamation, points and stuff. check it out, commas are very useful when, you, want, to, pause, and, stuff. and periods are good when you. want to stop a sentence. and if you put three periods in a row, like, this...it's called an "ellipse" and it's just a longer pause...between thoughts. kinda like your friend shannon...  
  
anwyays, graydon is gonna, love the fact that i'm assertive enough to take a writing course...because it shows my drive and determination. and, i'll have you know, little sister, that i got a letter from graydon the other day. dee said it was a "seize and desist" letter (did you see my use of quotes, apes? you use those when you're writing what someone else is saying! or, if your, mom, then you use them when you are trying to be funny or exaggerating something.)  
  
anyways, a "seize and desist" letter just means that he has the right to "seize" my articles for use in his magazine. it sounds bad, but it would really be an honor for me. i think he'd probably pay me for them becuase he's probably such a good guy.  
  
anyways, be good apes. i heard you got caught by becky "roadside" mcguire, sucking face wiht gerald in the school hallway after grad. trust me, little sister, you do not want to be like her, and put out for every boy that comes along. boys only want one thing, apes...at least that's waht dee and mom keep telling me. and they should know. which reminds me, i have to, pick up some aspirin on the way home. dee's had this major headache for about...oh, two and half years now...  
  


April Patterson wrote:

aw, mike, i'm only 14, an' i know it's "cease and desist". not "seize". i don't know lots of details, but i think it meanz ur in serious trouble if u don't leave that graydon guy alone.  
  
hey, an' stop harshin' on becks! we don't always agree on everything, but she's my bud!


	34. July 11,2005

There goes Becky tryin' to save me from myself! "Don't let me interrupt anything!" Yeah, I guess Gerald an' I were getting a little, um, carried away.  
  
Then Gerald finally gives Becks her props for the song after avoidin' her all night. Better late than never, Ger! An' listen to what a perfectionist she is, tellin' us her song was just "okay" and she can do better. Girl's got some drive, doesn't she?  
  
But then Becks really drops a bomb on us. See, I kinda just figured she didn' tell us about her song cuz it was a surprise, not cuz she didn' want 4Evah to play at the ceremony. Right now this feels kinda like gettin' my face slapped! Tune in for more drama,peeps!


	35. July 11,2005 - comments

Liz Patterson wrote:

I guess you'll be glad to go home when I get there eh Apes?  
  


April Patterson wrote:

yeah, no joke, i'm gonna need a change of scene, liz!  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

listen, Apes, the music teach asked me to sing at grad. I wuz in voice lesson one day an' I sang the song I wrote for her an' she gave my name to the Grad Committee. Just cuz we're in a band together doesn't mean we're always gonna get asked to do stuff together. I didn't say anything cuz I wanted to surprise y'all. Also, I figured it would be a lot easier if I didn't have to hurt your feelings by telling you the Grad Comm only wanted me.  
  
Like, what the hell was I supposed to do?


	36. July 12,2005

Wow.   
  
Notice how Duncan just kinda sidled up to us during this band talk? That is just sooooo Duncan. NEhow, ouch, Becks. The band's good enough, but not good enough for Becky? See, she's never said NEthing like this b4, but I guess she musta been thinkin' it for a while. All this time, I thought we were all really, really into the band an' imagining us goin' on the road together after high school. An' then we'd all be "somebody" some day. And I admit, I've kinda felt like I'm in charge of 4Evah, even tho the lead singer gets the most attention. So that makes it hurt extra, y'know?  
  
Notice how Becks got so worked up she had both hands in fists? Gerald actually jumped back a tiny bit, like he was afraid she'd sock him. If I hadn't been so stunned with what Becks was sayin' I think I woulda laughed at him for that. Scaredy!  
  
Well, as u can tell, there's gonna be more drama, so stay tuned!


	37. July 12,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

  
sheesh Y does everyone have to make me out to be such an evil person? all I mean is I am not into being in a band anymore i want to do my own thing. i am sorry about this but i thought my friends would understand an' not want me to keep on doing something i don't want to.  
  
besides it's not my fault i m a good singer an' i got noticed. i have to try to make something of myself 'cause lord knows my parents are too busy drinking and screwing around to be able 2 send me 2 college. wish i had rich dentist parents like u apes but i don't an' maybe u ought 2 think about what that's like for 1 minute. it's not EZ u know.  
  
beckster  
  


Candace Halloran wrote:

You're in a no-win situation, Becky. People have assigned a role to you, and now everything you do is going to be judged against that. If you stay in the band and try to do your thing despite what they want to do, you'll be labeled a control freak. If you leave, you'll be reviled as an attention junkie.  
  
This is a crucial stage of your development, a time when you have to find your own identity. And with your parents going through a divorce, you must be especially unsure of your place in society. And if you ask me, April could use some therapy herself to deal with her guilt issues about Farley's death; I think it's given her a martyr complex. Plus, I lived with her sister for four years, off and on, so I know what it's like to have a Patterson try to push you around. Just be true to yourself and it's all good!  
  
April Patterson wrote:

becks, i'm tryin' not 2 freak, really i am. but it's hard. ur already so much prettier'n me, now ur gonna have all kindsa new attention an' all, an' i'm gonna b stuck with a boring ol' life like the rest of my fam!

Becky McGuire wrote:

i m not that much prettier than u. The trouble is that ur mom makes u dress an' cut ur hair like a 7 year old. u would be kind of hot if u didn't have ur mom picking out ur clothes an' making u have those stupid bangs.  
  
candace, apes told me u aren't a real phd yet. wow u must be really messed up 2 have 2 pretend like that.  
  
Candace Halloran wrote:

I will have a Ph.D. next year.

April Patterson wrote:

that's cool about the degree, candace. r u still with rudy?  
  


Candace Halloran wrote:

Yes, I am, April! We've both learned to keep our issues separate from our relationship. Which is something you need to keep in mind, Becky: as a product of a dysfunctional family, you're predisposed to dyfunctional relationships.  
  
BTW, April, how is Liz's romantic life lately? I've told her numerous times that she needs to get over her daddy complex and accept guys the way they are, but she just won't listen. She wants guys to put her on a pedestal. Plus, I bet she's still carrying some baggage from Eric. Hopefully she can "check" that baggage at a heliport, if you know what I mean!


	38. July 13,2005

You're probably wonderin' what happened between Beckers' tellin' us the band's not good enough for her an' Liz suddenly drivin' the rest of us home. OK, so we're all standin' there, not knowin' what to say, Duncan kinda groaning in the back. Then this fat guy in an undershirt and faded jeans comes in an' yells "is Becky McGuire here"? So she follows him out an' we all run after her, cuz I think we were all figuring he must be one of her mom's boyfriends, but it turned out she'd called a taxi.  
  
After Becks pulls off, I'm like, "what now", an' Gerald's like, "let's think about sumthin' else", an' he puts his arm around me. Jus' then, I see Liz drivin' up in the CrevASSe. After I tell Liz that the party's pretty much over, Gerald's like, "Liz, could I hitch a ride?" an' she's all, OK. Then Dunc is like, "Oh, if he's gettin' a ride then so am I". Liz of course makes sure they call their moms. NEway, Gerald wants 2 kiss a bit in the backseat, which, with my big sis drivin', well, that's a bit ew, but I want to take my mind off this band stuff. But u know what? Everytime I look up, I notice Duncan STARING at us in the rearview, which besides bein' all yuck is kinda awkward to do from the passenger's seat. Maybe we shoulda taken up Liz on that pizza after all.  
  
That's all for now.


	39. July 13,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

  
an' they call me roadside! geez apes, if u keep letting gerald talk u into doing sex things, u are gonna end up preggers in grade 9!  
  
don't let duncan watch, no matter what u do. turns out he watched me an' jeffo when we were having our private time an' he's the one who told every1.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

yo apes, less talkin' and more kissin' if u know what i mean.


	40. July 14,2005

Well, Gerald an' I didn't end up smoochin' that much after all, with Duncan starin' in that mirror. It was jus' too creepy! We ended up snugglin' a bit an' that was pretty much it. Tell ya the truth, I was kinda glad to see both of 'em go.  
  
Then Liz made her comment about how Ger an' I are a "cozy couple". Well, I did tell her an' every1 else that we're "just friends" so I guess I can't really blame her for sayin' sumthin', but I wasn't in the mood! I'm glad she backed off.  
  
I wasn't gonna talk to her at all, but since she didn't start interrogating me like a crim suspect, like Mom woulda, suddenly I wanted to tell her stuff. Go fig.


	41. July 14,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Apes, u better run for ur life! Duncan sez he saw Gerald at the wal-mart jewelry counter last week an' he was buying a ring with a little diamond in it. Dunc asked an' Gerald sed he wuz gonna propose to u since ur 14 now an' if you don't settle down soon u'll be a spinster. wtf? he's worried u will be 2 old 2 have children if u wait to get married til after high school.   
  
Gerald swore Dunc to secrecy but of course he came straight to me with the story. I thought it was BS til I saw u 2 behind the gym at the dance an' it looked like Gerald wuz rounding second and about to slide into third base. Since i know u r a Patterson an' wouldn't go 2 third unless u were engaged, i figure it's just a matter of time b4 he proposes an' u should b ready 4 it.   
  
u gotta say no, Apes! we will have no fun in high school if you are stuck with a dorky husband an' two obnoxious kids. At least my mom sez that life is no fun.  
  
talk soon, beckster  
  
Gerald Forsythe wrote:

yo apes, sorry I had 2 take off like that, but I just couldn't get in2 goin roadside with you with your sis lookn over her shoulder all the time. ill catch you 2morow...how bout if we "play some pool" if u no what i mean? ;)  
  
Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Big sisters always have a way of making little sisters talk. It's just the nature of things.


	42. July 15,2005

Omigah, Liz, what I need is some perspective, y'know, from a kinda neutral source, to let me know if I'm freakin' out too much over the Becky stuff or if I have a point, or whatev. What I don't need is some lame punchline that's not even a pun, and so like sumthin' Mom or Dad would say right b4 waiting for us to LOL over how hifrigginlarious they are. So, just no.  
  
Maybe after Liz pauses for the laugh that's never coming from me, she'll get around to sayin' sumthin' helpful? I dunno, let's wait an' see.


	43. July 15,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Well let me finish my sentence,Apes. "...there's more than one person in this car that has one!" There is an angry voice in my head which is making me say that, but you have to agree it's kinda true. Anyway, aren't you Becky's friend? Can't you just be happy for her success? (the angry voice continues to say) If you're always this "supportive", no wonder she's always so "defensive" of her success. Besides, as Mom would say, "she's coming from a family where parents are divorcing, there aren't a lot of postives in her life." You'd think she gets enough negativity, the last person she needs it from is you. Don't be such a selfish twit Apes, it's not always all about you!  
  


April Patterson wrote:

wow, liz, that gives me a lot 2 think about. i'll try an' give it some more thought, but in the car i'll prolly say sumthin' really lame, 2. maybe the new-car smell gordo sprayed in there is givin' us some brain damage?


	44. July 16,2005

Well, there's not too much to say about the whole band sitch at the mo. Liz tries to comfort me by reminding me I'm goin' off to the farm for the summer an' leaving everything behind. Well, that includes Gerald, an' I'm not sure how I feel about that. Becky says maybe I'll meet a cute farmboy and forget about everything. I don't know. Meanwhile, I thought I'd explain something about my mom.  
  
Many peeps have the impression that my mom thinks that Pattersons are superior to everyone. That's not exactly true. Actually, my mom thinks that _Richardses_ are superior to everyone. Keep in mind that she's a Patterson by marriage, but a **Richards** by birth. Pattersons are good, too. After all, my mom married one. But in her mind, a Patterson is a second-rate Richards. (She actually blurted this out once during an argument with my dad. I wasn't supposed to hear that.) So in her head, she, Gramps, and Uncle Phil are a bit higher up than Dad, Aunt Bev, an' my other grandparents. Liz, Mike, an' I are somewhere in between, cuz we've got Richards blood along with Patterson blood. Sometimes I think Mom must have a secret chart somewhere that she uses to keep track of percents and ranks.  
  
NEway, once you know that my mom thinks that a Patterson is a second-rate Richards, u can understand a bit better the way she sometimes treats Dad. Pattersons are better than most peeps 2 her, but they have flaws that need to be corrected. Like loading the dishwasher wrong or arranging the linens in anything other than color and alphabetical order. She watches her kids closely for signs of these weak Patterson traits so's she can train 'em out of us.  
  
So now u must be thinking this explains a lot about us Patts kids, an' u'd be right. Sometimes Liz an' I joke about giving each other gift certs for therapy.  
  
Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna go dream about Gerald now.


	45. July 16,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Just wait until we find out what chart she puts her grandkids! That's only 1/4th Richards.  
  
I do have the comfort of knowing, that if I should ever find true love and get married, I won't be a Patterson anymore. But, Mom is lobbying really hard for me to get back together with Anthony! Anthony? I told her, "He's married! He has a child! He looks like he's 50!" But, he is a Caine, which to her is like a 2nd rate Patterson, so for her he's "ok".  
  
April Patterson wrote:

yeh, i was thinkin' about where this puts merrie an' robin. they'd be lower'n us but still above dad, tho. unless mom thinks they've got 2 much sobinski. that's what makes my head hurt when i start thinking about this stuff.  
  



	46. July 17,2005

So, I'm having my coffee when I hear a doggie-kitty commotion outside. First barking, then scuttling, then meowing. I don't even wanna go 2 see what's goin' on, but my mom says she's busy inspecting the house to make sure none of us have made any of our "boneheaded mistakes". "You go, April, you're not busy!" No, of course not, cuz I'm just a kid, right?  
  
Well, so I'm not in a big hurry to go out, an' by the time I get there, I see Shiimsa looking kinda like she has a headache. Then I notice Eddie looks like he's almost laughing at her. I know I had this whole zen theory about him, but I don't think that was very "zen" of him!  
  
Then I go into the house and upstairs. Liz is in her room getting some cat food for Shiimsa. I tell her what I saw, and she tells me Edgar's a brute who needs etiquette lessons. Says she was watching a talk show an' they had doggie charm school and Eddie totally has to go. I doubt Mom and Dad would go for that, though.  
  
Afterwards, I find Dad in his choo-choo room. He asks me what the noise was, so I tell the dummass story again, and he's all, "Well, it's the **DOG**days of summer, you know", then waits for me to laugh. "My laugh track's broken", I say, but then I feel bad cuz he looks so sad.  
  
Meanwhile, Mom's making hrmphy sounds in the kitchen. When I get there, she points at the salt an' pepper shakers on the table. "What's wrong with this, April? Can you **TELL** me what's **WRONG** with this?" I'm thinkin' I can't win when she's like this, so I keep quiet. She gets out her little tape measure from the pocket of her bathrobe and measures the space between them. "These should be exactly 7.5 centimetres apart, April! You _know_ that!" She adjusts them by the, I dunno, two millimetres difference, and adds, "Now **GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE**!" So I go up and write this entry. Whatevs, Mom. I'm gonna go check out my chat roomz now, peeps!


	47. July 17,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

  
OMG "laugh TRACK"??? and u were in ur dad's train room? now u are punning like ur mom. better cash in those therapy coupons now.


	48. July 18,2005

As you may know, Gordo's letting Liz use the motorcycle again for the summer. Liz is glad she won't have to go through the trouble of convincing Mom to let her ride it, like last summer. Too bad she can't let me ride with her. That would be so **cube***. But maybe I'll meet a biker boy in Winnipeg. What? It cd happen!  
  
But what Liz doesn't know is that Mom actually phoned Gordo to try an' get him to say the motorcycle's broken or gone or something. She slammed the phone down when he said "no". "I MADE him!" She yelled. Dad actually tried to calm her down, but she threatened to smash his trains So he ran away. Then she went over to Connie's. Poor Connie. Lawrence told Liz that his mom hides when she sees ours coming up the walkway, but Elly P has a way of sneakin' up on ppl!  
  
  
*Becks an' I told our 'rents that this is a new slang word all the kids are using now. "Cube" like "ice". It's like cool, but even better, cuz ice is, y'know, **cold**. Go ahead an' tell ur 'rents 2. Let's see if we can trick 'em into using it when they're trying to be "cube" like the kidz!


	49. July 18,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

  
I love riding the motorcycle. I knew Mom would call Gord, so I warned him. One thing I love about Gordon is that he really has the balls to stand up to Mom.   
  
Apes I'd love to have you ride with me but Mom would kill me and I value my life.   
  
Cube? I don't know! All I can think of is square. My mom sure is a cube foob!  
  
If you tell her I said that, I'll deny it.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

good point u made yesterday i would never want ur mom to B mine. i prefer my mom even if she doesn't love me at least she keeps her regular-size nose out of my bizniss. mostly cuz she'z stoned or screwing some guy but i don't care she does her thing an' i got mine.  
  
good newz is that my sis herd from our dad an' it turns out he didn't abandon us after all he just got arrested for smacking mom around. he gets out in 2 more months so we will prolly have a big party an' ur invited Apes. dad is cube an' will let us drink he's gonna have a keg.


	50. July 19,2005

So, did ya hear Gordo's successful? Started small but kept building up his Gordo empire? Yeah, it's a biiiiiiiiiig topic in Milborough. Some ppl even say he should have the "Donald Trump" role in _Apprentice Canada_, but I don't think that's gonna happen. Besides, he's a pretty modest guy. Mike recently begged him to let _Portrait_ do a big story on him, an' he said "no".  
  
NEway, Gordo called from his car and said Liz had just delivered one of those groany not-quite-punny Patterson lines. She was even tryin' to be nice, he said, but that line just killed it for him. I heard Liz apologizing in the background: "I'm a Patterson! Elly and John have warped my brain!" I hope I'm not doomed, peeps! I tried asking why Gordo was driving Liz when she was supposed to be using the motorcycle, but he said, "Gotta go, I almost hit a deer!" and hung up.  
  
So, yeah, Gordo. Y'know, the last time I saw him, when I went to their place to babysit, he was telling me that even though he was doing well and all, he was sad that he's got this double chin and looks like a middle-aged man steada bein' Mike's age. What is it with him and Anthony, anyway? Maybe some scientists oughta look into this.  
  
Well, Mom's at the shop, so Dad and I are gonna eat ice cream with our feet up on the coffee table while we can. Plus bad TV!


	51. July 19,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

  
Oh man! All I can say is that the years of abuse taking their toll on me. I hope you escape Apeface, but don't hold your breath.  
  
Gordo did accept my appology. He says he understand the pressure we Patterson kids are under, but the puns are just disgusting.

Gordon Mayes wrote:

Christ, you're not kidding, they're disgusting. I know it's hard to undo years of programming and all, but sometimes it's like pulling teeth just to get a straight answer out of you people. Just once, I'd like to ask one of you how you're doing and hear, "Fine, thanks, Gordon." But do I ever get that? No! It's always goddamned, "A little 'under the weather'!" or "Well, you know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away - if you throw it hard enough!"   
  
The Pun Twins may have floated me my startup cash, but my years of polite chuckling are over with now. I could buy and sell all of you ten times over; I'm way too rich and important to put up with this crap.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

hey gordo i been wondering--do you have RAS or is building up yer empire just soooo stressful? Cuz you look 60 'sted of 30.  
  
pleeze let me know cuz i'm scared that if i work hard to be a big success too that I'll get old an' ugly real fast.

Gordon Mayes wrote:

Becky, the answer to your question is that I've reached a level of personal success where I can totally let myself go. I no longer have to go to the effort of keeping myself physically attractive because I can just buy all the fly honeys presents and drive them around in my stretch Crevasse. They can't get enough of the Gordo.

In your case, though, I'd make sure you keep those pretty blonde curls and cute figure up to par. Cause, um, no offense, but - "work hard to be a big success"? Heh. Yeah. Good luck with that.


	52. July 20,2005

Lawrence called to find out what was taking Liz so long to get to work. I told him I didn't know. After Gordo called from his car, I figured it wouldn't be much longer before they got to the landscaping place. Lawrence said, "Gordo, huh? What'd he do, detour to his new house and give Liz the grand tour?" We both laughed. But then Lawrence said, "No, I'm serious!" Is this something Gordo's been doing a lot lately? Cuz wdn't it not make sense for them to stop if Liz has to get to work? Oh, I dunno.  
  
For some reason, Mom an' Mike keep telling Liz stuff about Anthony. Anthony's new (Gordo's old) house, Anthony's baby, Anthony's mustache, Anthony's sensible shoes. Liz says "That's great, but what's your point?" Then they get kinda shifty. "He's off-limits, you know. Married," says Liz, and they give her that pitying look they both get on their faces. You know the one that makes you want to give that face a smack?  
  
I bought some cute low-rise short-shorts to wear at the farm, but I hid them so Mom wouldn't take 'em away.


	53. July 20,2005 - comments

T.McGuire wrote:

Yeah, really! What is it with this Anthony business? Seems like the whole town is trying to turn Breath-From-Lizard into Little Lizzie Homewrecker. Must be a real picnic for Thérèse, living in a town where the whole population is conspiring to destroy her marriage.

Ghislaine Delacour wrote:

Oui, I went to school with la Thérèse, et she was la sweetest little girl, but maintenant, whenever I see her, she is, how you say, all tense and worried about le husband and la ex-girlfriend from le high school. Someone keeps sending him les sexy photos of la Liz in e-mail from le secret account. Poor Thérèse, she call me to cry and cry.

April Patterson wrote:

i know, tm, can u imagine what kinda hell wd break loose if anthony were married 2 liz an' every1 were trying to break 'em up so t. cd marry him? esp. right after they had a new baby?  
  
ghislaine, that's rilly creepy about the pix. i don't even wanna think about who might be doin' that. i guess t. had no idea what she was getting herself in2, huh?


	54. July 21,2005

So I'm in the middle of writing when the phone rings. Dad was afraid it would be Mom, so again, I picked it up. This angry female voice with a French accent starts cursing and yelling about homewreckers, and it's a while before I'm able to put tog. that some neighbour called Thérèse @ work and told her that Gordo and Liz were stopping by the house to see Anthony. She told me, "You tell your beetch seester that eef she try to steal my 'usband, she’s dead meat!" Then she hung up. I'm pretty sure that this musta been Gordo's idea, but T didn't give me a chance 2 say NEthing.  
  
Peeps, I am soooooooooooo ready 2 go 2 that farm. I'm gonna go put those cute little short shorts in my suitcase now!


	55. July 21,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Ok. So here I am blithly riding in Gordon's luxury Crevass when all the sudden he starts talking about seeing Anthony. Then next thing you know there we are at Anthony's house, 'an there Anthony is with that baby.  
  
And now I finally understand why Mom is pushing me so hard to be with Anthony...He's got the same pun disease as all us Patterson's.  
  
I need help! I need an intervention. I need a hero on a white steed, or white Crevasse to come take me away!!!  
  


April Patterson wrote:

liz, this wd be a perfect time for heli-man warren to fly in & take u away from all this!

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

April-  
I don't want you to go to the farm. Stay home and make out with me all summer. Those cute little shorts sound hot.  
xxx,  
Gerald


	56. July 22,2005

Well, I don't read message boards for new parents, cuz why wd I? But some1 anonymously sent me a link to a mssg bd where AnthDad2FranMilboro was posting. Apparently, he wrote this as his intro:  
  


> Hi, everyone! I am a new dad to a beautiful, precious baby girl. She means the world to me, but her mother, my D[amned] W[ife], is this cold, withholding, driven career type who wants nothing to do with our baby. She'd barely squeezed the poor babe out before she was planning her next business meeting and checking the continuing-ed course catalogue. Not that this stopped her from extorting money  
from our friends at the baby shower. I admit I was the one who really wanted to have a baby, but I figured once she held our little "bundle of joy" in her arms, she'd melt, and her maternal instincts would kick in.
> 
> Well, I'm here to tell you, that didn't happen. I was so embarrassed in the hospital when the nurse asked DW if she wanted to breastfeed, and she just laughed and said, "If Mr. Mom over there cannot do it, you'd better just run along and get us some bottles and formula".
> 
> So anyway, I'm a full-time SAHD now. My wonderful boss, whom I'll call Mr. Moneybags here, lets me do my accounting job from home  
while on paternity leave. I carry the baby around in a Bjorn all day, so I think I know what pregnancy must feel like, LOL. It's the toughest job I'll ever love, but I must admit I get lonesome, especially since DW goes away on business trips and job-related courses all the time. I think I'm up for the sacrifice, but I can't help thinking about the beautiful, selfless, intelligent girl who dumped me after we dated in high school, the lovely, um, NotLiz. Anyway, baby's waking from her nap, gotta go!

  
  



	57. July 23,2005

I looked around a bit at that message board where AnthDad2FranMilboro has been posting, and I found that he had an off-topic post called "Imagining . . . a Different Life" (his punctuation). It was this long, weird fantasy about being married to "the lovely NotLiz" after "mean wife" disappears. His NotLiz is like this perfect person who never gets mad about anything. He even uses the words "Ultra-loving giver-goddess super-nurturing but still sexy dynamo".   
  


Becky and I were IM-ing back an' forth about how creepy it is that Duncan's so obsessed with other ppl's sex life. Then Becky sent me this image she made:  
  


Oh, by the way, I just got off the phone with Mike. Would you believe he called to ask for Mom's _recipe_ for _boiled turnips_? Apparently, Dee was crying about how she always has to do all the cooking, so Mike promised to make their next dinner. Boy sure can be clueless!


	58. July 23,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

The other night mom said the following. "Anthony's marriage isn't going to last. He'll find some "nice" girl to marry. What a lucky girl she'll be. Therese obviously doesn't want any part of her child, so Anthony's new wife will have a child to raise as her own. To top it off, she won't even have to ruin her figure." then she gave me a very pointed look. I said to her, "Maybe Anthony won't get married again."   
  
Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes! Are you going fishing with your dad tomorrow? He's been out in the garage all afternoon going through the tackle boxes.

April Patterson wrote:

dunno, duncan. i think he & ur dad r planning another 1 of their choo-choo playdates.

Becky McGuire wrote:

glad u liked my t-shirt design, apes. i knew we wud be able 2 work thru the whole band thing an' still be BFFs.

BTW, Apes an' Liz, duzent ur mom kno that no woman on earth wants 2 raise another woman's child? that's what my mom sed when she found out my dad had a "bastard" out there. (sorry 2 my sis--i like u just fine! but that's what mom called u) That's how i kno that liz an' anthony will never get together as long as he's got that francoise kid 2 take care of.

Marla McGuire wrote:

No offense taken, Becky. U still want me to give U hair extensions like Britney for ur new look?


	59. July 24,2005

I don't usually care much about fishing, because just about every other time we've gone, it's been all about sittin' around doing pretty much nothing while Dad makes puns, tells me stories about trains an' teeth, and catches fish while I get nothing. So finally things go my way. Mine, mine, mine! Ha ha ha! Well, ok, I guess I was pretty excited about this for a little bit there. Dad even seemed happy for me most of the day. But then just as we were leaving, his whole mood turned, and suddenly he was all mad, like you could almost imagine a big storm cloud in his thoughts, if u cd even see some1's thoughts. What's the dealio, Dad? He was like that the whole way home. When I told Liz about it, she put her finger to her lips like "shhhhh" and got out one of her psych books from university. She opened to the page on "bipolar disorder" and raised her eyebrows. Could she be onto something there?


	60. July 24,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

apes, i feel so sorry 4 u that u had 2 go fishing. way lame. marla and i spent the day at the mall an' then she let me smoke a joint with her behind the Dairy Queen.

Duncan Anderson wrote:

I just happened to be passing through your backyard when dinner was ready, and your mom called me in. "Seafood Surprise" is almost okay with a lot of hot sauce, which your mom had in the cupboard in case I ever showed up for a Caribbean-style meal. (The bottle had expired in 1998, but I didn't think that it would be polite to mention that to her. Plus she had those bug eyes happening.)


	61. July 25,2005

So, Duncan tells me he just _happened_ to be going by Gordo's garage when he noticed Liz was putting on her helmet an' getting ready to ride the motorcycle. Duncan's never ridden on a motorcycle before, so he wanted to ask her for a ride on the back (he didn't know she can't do that). He heard (_swears_ he didn't eavesdrop) Liz asking Gordo if Anthony is happy, and Gordo saying, well, he loves the baby, house, and work. Duncan says Liz was all, "But what about _his wife_", and Gordo was all, "He tries to love her". Then Liz got this faraway look of Deep Concern. Dunc was in such a hurry to tell me all this, he never did ask Liz for that ride--he ran over here as fast as he could.  
  
NEway, Dad and I each had a pint of ice cream while watching _Degrassi_, but now Dad's being all paranoid, saying Mom cd be back NE minute, so we'd better hide the "evidence".  
  
Later, peeps


	62. July 25,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

So there I was, relieved to finally be done with the big "tour" of the town with Gordo. I'm not sure why the tour was necessary. I think it was all just an excuse to get me over to see Anthony. I think Gordo is in cahoots with Mom. Why he would be is beyond me, except maybe he likes Anthony and sees that he's unhappy and wants better for him. But what Gordon doesn't know is that if I were to end up with Anthony I would turn into a bad version of Mom, and do we really need another Elly Patterson in this world?  
  
Anyway, as I was saying...So we were done with the grand tour and before I can stop myself it slips right out of my mouth. "Is he happy?" I ask. I'm thinking "What do I care if he's happy." But then like it's programmed into me I respond to Gordon's answer with this bomb, "And his wife?". That look of concern you see isn't for Anthony, but for myself. Something is deeply wrong here. I don't want to know about Anthony. Seriously,I have no deep feelings for him save for friendship.


	63. July 26,2005

So, apparently Liz _finally_ made it to work. I know that cuz Lawrence called again all pissed, like, "Is that sister of yours _ever_ going to get here today?" Then, "Oh, here she is, late, late, late. Well, just for that I'm finding an excuse to put her on the forklift today". So I said, "Isn't that kinda like that thing ppl are always saying about my mom? Passive-aggressive?" And then Lawrence was all, "Yeah, who do you think I learned it from? Anyway, Sister Liz is gonna be ‘Forklift Barbie’ today!" Then he just hung up.  
  
Dad asked me what that was all about, so I told. "So, Liz is late! I hope Lawrence doesn't kill her over that, because then she'd be the late Liz! Get it? Get it?" Peeps, you don't know how hard it was just to resist rolling my eyes really, really hard, but instead I said, "Dad, speaking of late, weren't you supposed to be going to the clinic about now?" And he's all, "Oh, God, I forgot I don't have the day off!" And then bye-bye punster.  
  
Well, I hope Liz doesn't hurt herself or anyone else with that forklift. And that she manages to get home today without Gordo or anyone else tricking her into more tours or pulling her in2 anyone else's dram, know what I mean?


	64. July 26,2005 - comments

Duncan Anderson wrote:

My mom went out before I got up. My dad was playing with his choo-choos in the basement before he left for work. I pretended like I was all interested in the choo-choos, and my dad almost wet himself he was so happy. Then asked him if I could go out, and he said yes and gave me $20.00. Sweet!  
  
So when are you leaving for the farm, Apes?  
  


April Patterson wrote:

well, dunc, i actually found the "closet cam" u musta set up that last time u visited, so i taped a picture in front of it. that's why u didn't see that i've started to pack (so far just the short-shorts an' bikinis). mom & dad haven't told me when i'm leaving yet, cuz 4 some reason they think i shd have more surprise in my life. whatevs, right?  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

omg yea my mom found the cameras dunc planted in r house but instead of flushing them she took them down to the police station an' they said they were gonna go have a little chat with our old pal dunc.  
  
i hope this gets him grounded again.

P.S.--sorry i wuz offline so long i was working on my singing. perfecting my awesome talent really takes some dedication.


	65. July 27,2005

I was IM-ing with Gerald, trying to explain that there's no way I could let him come over, since Mom has Connie watching on one side and Anne on the other, and they'd be in a race to call her if they saw a BOY going in this house when I'm alone here. Then in the middle of all that, I got a text message on my cell, from Liz. "Howard @ work = sexist pig! More l8r!" It seems kinda weird that Lawrence an' Nick would even hire a sexist pig, so I wonder what the dealio is there, peeps.


	66. July 28,2005

Well, Becky, Duncan, & I were on IM 2gether, since Becks was really, really upset & Dunc had been such a bonehead. After a while, Becks got Dunc 2 say he was sorry 4 the cams & also got him 2 admit he spread the "roadside gig" goss after spying on her & Jeffo. And 2 say he was sorry 4 that 2, plus "U R the queen of music, singing, & dancing, O Royal Highness Rebecca Who is & Alwayz Will B Better Than Me". Gerald tried to butt in a couple of times, but we told him this was not his biz. Once that was over, I saw that Liz had sent me a picture on her phone camera, with a txt "Ugly Howard Who Hit on Me". Ew! This guy looks 2 B about our Dad's age, he's got this shaved-head thing going on, and he looks like he's made of cookie dough. Like she needs this after all that Anthony stuff.


	67. July 28,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

mom figured out i was bogarting her vitamins an' she cut me off. she sez they're way expensive. i guess she doesn't get a bulk discount frum her dealer.

i talked to the cops again an' they said that since dunc is still young an' all that they don't want to put him "into the system." They r gonna put an ankle monitor on him so they know when he is where he shouldn't be--like in my yard at night, hiding in the bushes an' peeking in my window.  
  
i think this is way cool! ha ha dunc, ur busted!

April Patterson wrote:

thanks, becks, u r the best! dunc, u better watch urself (steada watchin' every1 else).  
  


Marla McGuire wrote:

Duncan if I ever hear U R bothering Becky again, my foot wil be so far up UR ass, U'll find my toes when U blow UR nose, wussy boy!  
  


Duncan Anderson wrote:

sorry, becky, i nev. ment 2 get u so upset. my dad's makin' me clean all his little trains with a q-tip an' spend a week readin' to old folks at the home.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

i know, dunc. you hope that nobody notices u when u are spying on them thru windows an' cams an' stuff. but that doesn't make it rite.   
  


Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

That Howard, he's such a bwaheena-stu-lala-twee. Oh, pardon me, I'm doing it again, using those Ojibway expressions I learned up North. I mean, he's a hairy, gross, boorish, apelike foob with a tiny brain.

Becky McGuire wrote:

liz, u should punch him in the nuts. didn't you learn any native martial arts or anything? Or maybe u secretly like him.  
  


also,just wanted 2 tell u apes that my mom an' i are moving in2 a apartment now since dad's not paying his child support an' mom can't afford the house payment. so i will be offline 4 a few dayz. guess what one of the movers is young an' he's way hot with a 6 pack an' a tight, yummy ass. he wuz making eyes at me so i m gonna go put on my halter top now an' see what happens. i might go roadside with him if he is a good kisser.  
  
will report back.

April Patterson wrote:

b careful w/the mover guy. don't forget what happened 2 that girl Stacey Schtumpterlowski in our class at school!


	68. July 29,2005

Liz tells me that after work, that Howard tried to impress her with a "race to the lights" and he _impressively_ chewed up his truck & screwed up his tires. So now she's just thinking, "Shit, I hope this doesn't mean he'll take his car in to Gordo and get wrapped up in _that_ soap opera". Cuz somehow, in Milborough, every1 seems to get in2 every1 else's biz.  
  
Another thing that Liz is worried about? That if she tells the 'rents about what's going on at work--especially Mom--this will turn into an occasion for something we call a "Patterson moment of extra-deep profundity" (PMoEDP). The Patterson in question (PiQ), usually Mom, will say something that's supposed to be very serious, philosophical, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then stare off into the distance. Whoever is being talked 2 @ that moment is supposed to gaze all stunned at the super-duper deepness of it all. The only thing that makes this kind of moment extra scary is when the PiQ manages to work a pun into this PMoEDP. I think they love 2 do this since it adds an extra degree of difficulty in the annoyolympics or something.  
  
Oh, well.


	69. July 29,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

ok, well, we're staying with my aunt an' she has a cable modem an' a way sweet powerbook. so here i m.  
  
it turned out that the mover guy was married with 2 little kids. an' i m not gonna be a homewrecker cuz just look how my dad's mistresses managed to wreck my fam! i wuld not want 2 do that 2 some poor little kid.   
  
mom sez she has to get online now to talk to her new internet lover, so i gotta go.  
  
lylas, becks  
  
p.s.--maybe u could try telling ur mom to f off when she starts talking like that? maybe that would make her stop an' send u 2 ur room, which wuld be the perfect escape from her yapping.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

yay, becks! i'm glad u r back. sounds like u made the right decision about that guy. i tried tellin' ma 2 fuck off once when she did her pmoedp once, but insteada bein' sent 2 my room, i got a 3-hour lecture & then i had 2 clean & organize the garage!


	70. July 30,2005

Oh, I am _so_ ready to go to that farm! Of course with my luck, I'll end up being sorry I ever said _that_! Mom inspected my suitcase to make sure nothing looked "like something a pole dancer would wear", an' luckily, she didn't find the secret compartment where I hid the lowrise short shorts, little bikinis, and teeny-tiny tops. Girl's gotta be crafty, u know?  
  
Liz had a feeling that Howard from work followed her home. She wants to believe she's just being paranoid, but Carol Enjo told Mom that she did see an unfamiliar car kinda lurking and pulling away real slow.   
  
Oh, by the way, after I passed the suitcase inspection (LOL), Mom actually said, "Now, April, maybe while you are in Winnipeg you can make friends with a nice blind or deaf girl". I musta had a big WTF look on my face, cuz she went on to explain, "Well, you have that nice mentally challenged friend Shannon, and that's a good start, dear, but you need more diversity". I said, "But Mom, isn't it just as bad to make friends with someone because of their disability as it is to not be friends for that reason?" She looked all surprised and shocked for a second and then said, "Don't twist my words!" And stomped away to complain about me to Connie.  
  
Well, gotta run!


	71. July 30,2005 - comments

T.McGuire wrote:

Hey, April,you seem to be catching on!  
  
I had one of those self-congratulatingly altruistic, politically correct mothers too. It's SO MUCH FUN to call them on their hypocrisy, illogic, and idiotic premises. If you develop your timing and your delivery, you can really flip them out sometimes. Good luck!


	72. July 31,2005

OK, I know what u must be thinking. Who _doesn't_ hate mosquitoes? But no one hates mosquitoes the way my mom hates them. U see, she has this almost psycho response to them. If she manages to crush the skeeter the death w/a quick swat, then okay, but if she doesn't? Man, you do NOT wanna be in our house. She freaks! Once, it got so bad that Anne and Connie both called the cops cuz they thought we must have an intruder in here. God, that was so embarrassing. Now I hate 2 think what would happen if we really did have an intruder, & the nabes just assumed "mosquito".  
  
Liz says that one of the best things about Aunt Bev is that she isn't Mom. Yup, I think she's got a point. Well, more news soon. . . .


	73. August 1,2005

Omigah, this is _soooooo_ embarrassing! I hafta wear this "unaccompanied minor" thing on my plane trip to Winnipeg so every1 knows I'm a kid flying alone. So much for my plan to pass myself off as a 19yo on this trip. And Becky made me such a kickass fake ID so I could have some booze. Well, Diet Coke it is. Sigh.  
  
At least I got a chance 2 mess with Mom a bit. U C, I want her 2 think I'm so busy missing Ger & moping, it'll never cross her mind I'm putting on my cute new clothes & meeting those muscly farmboys.


	74. August 1,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

Apes, maybe u should try 2 leave at least a little bit 2 the imagination. i hate 2 say it but u look more than roadside or a pole dancer in that--u look like one of those hos on Yonge Street!  
  
lylas  
  
miss you already!

April Patterson wrote:

hey, becks, i miss u 2! do u mean it about the 'kini looking 2 skanky, or is this like the time u made that joke about paris hilton being 2 rich & 2 thin?


	75. August 2,2005

So, I'm killing time at the airport by surfing the net @ the internet café, & I notice that Mom's posted our fam's August letters. Well, that's not exactly true--my Mom actually gets a web designer named Stephanie to help her with stuff like that. See, Mom's almost proud of being a technophobe, in some weird way. NEway, one time Mom asked Stephanie to install some spyware on our home 'puter 2 make sure I wasn't doing NEthing I'm not supposta. Steph told her I'm probably just doing harmless stuff like downloading avatars. Yay, Steph! BTW, when Mom's not around Steph does a hilarious impression of her.  
  
Well, about the letters. . . .  
  
I'll start with mine. I wanna explain this:

> Duncan and Gerald are mad at Becky too, but mostly because she said we weren't good enough. I give up...it's so much work to keep a band together. Even the Beatles had problems, so what do we think we're trying to do? I just wanted it to be a fun challenge, and it was for two years. We had a rule - no egos! And Becky broke it, big time.

You see, Mom edited out the end of this paragraph, where I'd written, "But who am I kidding? We all broke the ego rule!" I don't know why my 'rents wanna make the whole Becky thing worse than it was. The amazing thing is I threw in the part about Gerald's soft kissing just to see what Mom would do about it. And she didn't do a thing. Weird that she'd leave _that bit_ in and not the ego thing. NEway, Ger kisses OK & everything, but 4 all I know the muscly farmboys do it better.  
  
Speaking of making the Becky thing worse, my dad had to go and write this:

> It's unfortunate that Becky is choosing to go off with stars in her eyes and will be missing the most important part of life: friendship.
> 
> So, you can only wish her luck, knowing that if she does make it, she will likely not have a happy life. Sometimes it's a blessing to not be too good or too driven to succeed in something that you love, because such ambition takes all the fun out of it. Being a professional musician is a difficult life. Having a normal life, surrounded by friends and family and enjoying music as a hobby or as a passion is a lot more fun. That's an opinion from someone who gave up piano after the fourth lesson. I told April to let the hurt go. That Becky is young and selfish and will need her friends more than ever. Once you "go public", it's hard to tell who likes you for yourself or for what you can do. I said to leave the door open and wait for Becky to come back. She will!

So don't aspire for greatness, just be ho-hum, right Dad? U know, folks, my Dad once had a friend named Ben Horanium who became a famous model-train designer. Well, famous to ppl who are into the whole choo-choo thing. Every once in a while, my Dad sees him @ one of those train-guy gatherings, and afterwards, he mopes for about a month. He's a little bitter and more than a bit jealous, but when he comes out of his bad mood, he always says, "Actually, I feel sorry for Ben. He doesn't have this nice, normal life that I do, with family and friends and. . . ." Then he trails off and drinks some whiskey.  
  
Mom would rather send me away than deal with me this summer, Liz was being pretty cool, Dee is back at work, and Mike is hiding from his fam. Oh, and you know that bit about Liz and Ma having all those great talks when they're out walking the dogs? Mom totally added that in. What Liz really wrote was that Mom insists on coming with her to walk the dogs, but then spends the whole time complaining. I guess she didn't like that version. And by the way, Mike is supposta be a big-shot editor, but he wrote this: "I take in an average of one big manuscript everytwo months from a publisher I met, once again, through Josef Weeder." (I added that bold part.) So Michael "Editor" Patterson needs an editor! LOLOL!


	76. August 2,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

apes y do ur parents hate me so much?   
  
also, they are stupid. u can b successful AND happy. just look at celine dion. or shania twain. they have babies an' husbands an' zillions of dollars all at once. except celine's husband is a gross grandpa, but u know what i mean.  
  
i think ur parents say that shit 'cuz they never tried to b anything other than average an' they want 2 believe that being average is the best thing in the world. plus i think they hate anyone who isn't a patterson just because it's fun to hate them or something.  
  
apes, i won't hold what was in ur letter against u. i believe it that ur mom is a total psycho who edits them. she is such a nazi. i'd ask u 2 move in at my house, but mom an' dad are in the middle of a custody fight rite now. mom wants me 2 live with dad an' his new fiancee, an' dad wants me 2 stay with mom an' my "uncles." so i don't know where i'll end up.

LYLAS 

PS - i m so glad my mom izn't a patterson. all she tells me is "don't get pregnant or i'll throw ur ass out in the gutter." i'm glad i have such a kool mom. although i do wish she did some mom things sometimes, 'stead of passing out drunk on the sofa or entertaining my "uncles" in her bedroom at 3 am so i can't sleep 4 school the next day.  
  
anyway, have fun on the farm! Njoy ur mom-free summer! marla an' i are planning to go to the pool a lot an' hook us sum guys.

Deanna Patterson wrote:

April,  
  
It's not nice to make "fun" of Mike like that. So he missed a "y" -- people make mistakes! Like the "customers" at the pharmacy, despite our having a state-of-the-art computer system and my sage advice, people still make "mistakes."   
  
Take old Mrs. Jenkins, for instance. She was taking a beta blocker for her heart, and her doctor recently switched her to another prescription. I told her to be sure to let the old medication "clear out" but she obviously did it wrong as she died from "heart failure!"

April Patterson wrote:

aw, dee, u r being all admonishing now, but admit it--u lol'ed when u read that. i'll bet u had milk comin' out ur nose & everything.


	77. August 3,2005

Well, in the time since grad, Gerald & I have spent a buncha time tog. Mom's got this weird back & forth thing where she's all "don't be too serious" one second and then the next she's all "oh, this is an innocent crush". It's annoying, I don't even need 2 tell U. NEway, Liz told me she'd try talking to Ma about this on the way back from the airport, mayB @ least get her to remember a bit what it's like to be 14. Liz told me, "I just hope she doesn't get all TMI with me". & I said, "Liz, U R braver than I am!"


	78. August 3,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Ok I tried to remind Mom what young love is like, but I think I might have heightened her fear. She started whispering something about Alex Curtola and a tear fell from her eye. Then she said, "Oh Alex,Alex.,you didn't even like trains". If she freaks out any more, I'll try to do some damage control.

Becky McGuire wrote:

Hi, Apes. Hope u're having fun on the farm. I wish I could get away from my 'rents for a month too. NEway, Marla n' I are gonna hit the bars n Toronto with the fake IDs she had made for us. They look real, with the magnetic bar on the back n everything. We can make one 4 u if u like.

April Patterson wrote:

oh, i geddit! the id sez yr name is "vicki simone", is that it? good idea 2 use a diff name. the 1 u gave me 4 the plane ride looks good but i don't get 2 use it cuz of that "unaccompanied minor" label i hafta wear. mayB i'll try it out in winnipeg, tho.


	79. August 4,2005

So, I've landed in Winnipeg and Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny have picked me up. Uncle Danny said "Next stop, Teenage Angst Farm for Wayward Pattersons". Aunt Bev gave him a "shut up" look, but she also couldn't help laughing. So they've got a guitar but it prolly has some animal living in it? Well, who cd resist that?   
  
Weird, last month, I was all about havin' my guitar w/me so I cd practice & not get soft fingers. Now I don't wanna look @ a guitar. U know, Dad gave me this whole speech about how Becky's ambition might make her successful but she'd prolly B unhappy? But I hafta say that's BS. Do U really think Madonna doesn't have NE friends? & Becky loves music & singing so much, she practices her piano & vocals every chance she gets. She sez she does it cuz she has 2, like breathing or going 2 the bathroom. But w/me, I get upset w/the band being broken up, & now I feel I'm over the whole guitar thing? I hafta admit, I'm a bit jealous that Becks cd love something so much.  
  
Well enuf bummy stuff. I'm @ the farm & I'd better make the most of it. I'm gonna try 2 get Aunt Bev 2 give me some dirt on Dad. NEthing U all want me to ask her?  
  
Oh, BTW, on the plane, the woman next to me laughed @ my "unaccompanied minor" tag & asked me if I wasn't a bit old for that. I told her I'm 14, & she said the only reason I'd have the UM instead of "young person traveling unaccompanied" is if my 'rents called the airline & requested it special. "So, your folks don't trust you on a short flight, huh?" Well, thanks, Mom!


	80. August 4,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

don't worry apes, i think i know what ur problem with the guitar is.  
  
first, i left the band. u were kinda mad, an' plus, that meant you were just left alone with dork gerald and pervo duncan.  
  
next, dunc got mad at u an' gerald 4 dating even tho ur in the band.  
  
after that, u had 2 listen to a long stupid lecture frum ur dad about how bad it is 2 b successful in music.  
  
u r probably just all freaked out that picking up a guitar will get u yelled at or in a fight or lectured at. just chill 4 a while. u r a good musician. when i sed i wuz better than the band, i meant it because dunc and ger suck. but u are rilly good. don't worry. even if u take a break this summer, u will still be good.

mom and "uncle" bill caught me stealing from his jeans pocket. all hell broke loose an' he wanted 2 call teh cops an' press charges but mom talked him out of it. now they r back in her bedroom an' i rilly don't wanna know what she's doing to make him change his mind. anyway, i went over to marla’s newmarket house an' she sed she would drive me out 2 visit u sometime if it's ok with ur gramps and grans. she has an old friend from beauty school who lives out that way so she won't even charge me 4 gas.  
  
it's weird but my "bastard" sister is the best family i got.   
  
lylas, becks  
  
p.s.--sorry about the farm work  
  
p.p.s.--i told marla about the 'minor unaccompanied' thing an' she sez that they only require that for kids 12 an' under. they do it for older kids if ur mom requests it. so ur mom MADE u wear that dumb tag just cuz she's a dumb ol' foob! don't u just hate her even more now?  
  
p.p.s.--marl is in training 2 be one of those counter ladies at the airport. if she can get me a discount, maybe i will steal some money from one of my "uncle's" jeans pockets an' fly out there 2 c u.


	81. August 5,2005

When I asked Uncle Danny about the farm being a hobby farm now, he gave me a straight answer! Even though we were walking by a horse. I know, a normal person wouldn't be shocked, but if this had been my Dad, U just know he woulda made a lame pun about hobby horses. Y'know, I'm kinda surprised that Uncle D says "an'" just like us kids. I didn't think any1 near my Mom & Dad's age did that.

Oh, I asked Aunt Bev how Dad became such a train freak. She totally rolled her eyes & said, "Oh, God, is he still into that?" She told me that when they were kids, Dad had a big train theme for one of his birthday parties. Grandma Carrie dressed him up as a train engineer, his cake had little toy trains on it, and he got a big train set as a present. Also, Grandpa Bill made a big fuss about him that day, callin' him "my little engineer". Aunt Bev was laughing & saying she figured he'd have gotten over it by now. Also she said it could be worse, since Grandpa Bill's big hobby is collecting rocks.

I'll see what else I can find out for U all.


	82. August 5,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

really? i figured that he got so into trains as a way 2 escape ur mom. i never would of guessed he was crazy like that even as a kid.  
  
good news about the "no puns" thing tho.  
  
lylas


	83. August 6,2005

If only Becky were here, we could be like Paris and Nicole in _The Simple Life_! Only I guess I'd have 2 B Nicole, & then we'd have a big falling out, then I'd lose too much weight & start hanging out with Lindsay Lohan. So mayB that wdn't be such a great plan, but I do miss Beckers. I can't believe how shocked Aunt Bev looked when I asked if she had NE video gamez. What, she's nev heard of them B4? I hope my cousin Laura will B fun to hang with. I dunno, though. She's a teacher @ the local college & she teaches agriculture. I hope she can talk about other things 2!  
  
Liz sent me an e-mail saying she still has a feeling about that Howard guy at work. I hope that doesn't come 2 NEthing, but I said mayB she'd better tell Mom & Dad what's going on, even tho that cd mean bad puns & other annoying stuff.


	84. August 6,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

i miss u 2. last night mom an' uncle bill had a huge fight. she threw a whiskey bottle at him an' then the cops came. uncle bill is in jail now an' mom is talking about selling her car 2 make the bail money. man it is so nuts around here that i m thinking of asking marla if i can move in with her an' her roomie from beauty school.  
  
i wish i wuz there too. dunc and gerald keep saying how lame they think the farm would be but after the way mom's been since dad left, i would really like sum peace an' quiet.  
  
lylas

April Patterson wrote:

i'm glad she’s around for u & sorry things are so cra-Z w/yr ma right now. as soon as i'm settled i'll get on im so we can chat 4 a while.  
  
ger & dunc r rilly tryin' 2 make me feel xtra bad abt the farm 4 some reason.   
  


Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes! My dad says he saw Liz outside of the The Beer Store this morning loading up a coupla 2-4s in the CrevAsse. Says she's partying at some cottage this weekend. Sorry about making you feel bad about the farm.

April Patterson wrote:

hey, dunc, well, i'm glad 2 hear liz is gonna have some fun. she needs 2 take her mind off the jerk @ work. no prob. about the comments--it seemed like ger was eggin' u on, & he's sore that i had 2 go away when we just started going out a lil while ago.


	85. August 7,2005

Liz is already itchy 2 get away from our 'rents, so she & Candace & a bunch of other friends went away 2 hang & party in a lakeside cottage. Liz says Mom acted all shocked when Liz picked up a case of beer for the party. "You shouldn't _drink_, young lady!" Liz: "But _you_ drink!" Mom: "This isn't about _me_. It's about _you_!" So Dad, while secretly winking @ Liz, "confiscated" the beer, only 2 stash it back in2 the trunk for her. Dad can B all kinds of dweeb, but he's cooler than Mom. After having way too much to eat & drink, Liz had a major hangover, but she says it was sooooo worth it!  
  
I'm still not sure why Aunt Bev looked so shocked when I asked if they have video games. But since they've got high-speed internet, I was able 2 find some games online, so it's all good, my friendz. Don't worry, I'm also gonna learn 2 ride a horse & stuff, but sometimes a girl needs 2 unwind & be indoors.  
  
TTYL


	86. August 8,2005

I tried calling home just now, cuz I'm homesick already & worried about Liz 2. She said, "_Can't talk right now, Dad just went out to have a talk with Howard, if that's him watching me from the car that looks exactly like his_!" And click, she hung up. This is so crazy! I'm gonna e-mail Liz right after I post this 2 C if they're OK down there.  
  
Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny are gonna teach me some card games tonight, but it'll be hard thinking about that when I'm thinking about that other stuff. Well, gotta fly.


	87. August 8,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

ur not playing strip poker, r u? u can't do that with relatives. I had a uncle (a real 1) who tried to teach me that when I wuz 12 an' he got 18 months probation.  
  
i m way freaked out about liz's stalker 2 so i called dunc. we r gonna sneak over 2 ur parents' house 2nite an' see if we can catch him doing it. dunc knows all the sneaky tricks, as u know. we figure that it won't be dangerous cuz the cops are following dunc everywhere anyway.  
  
we will let u all know what we C!  
  
luv, the beckster  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

hey dunc where r u? r u still mad at me? come out--we need 2 plan r raid on the patterson house. i need 2 know where the best hiding spots 4 spying r.  
  
let's kiss an' make up i hear ur lip gloss is grape flavor. ha ha.  
  
becks  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

ok, here's what dunc an' i saw.  
  
we snuck up behind some bushes by the edge of ur lawn, liz. we could see howard in his car. he wuz...well, i think he wuz...you know. jerking off. that's what dunc sed NEway. and moaning ur name, liz. way gross. he has a picture of u dangling frum his rearview mirror. i think it was the one they put in the paper when the Milboro Shop n' Save ran that article about u going 2 Mtigwhatchamacallit. he was kinda smooching it some.  
  
NEway, when ur dad came out of ur house, Howard burned rubber. he almost ran over dunc but i yanked him outta the way. poor dunc his manolo blahnik strappy sandals fell off an' howard's tires shredded 'em. he did save his fake fendi purse tho. lucky the cops were just around the corner watching dunc an' me when liz's dad called em' so they came real real fast.  
  
i hope dunc got home ok the sandals i loaned him are only a girls size 6 an' he's like a girl's 10 or so.  
  
your buddy


	88. August 9,2005

Wow, I'm not sure what's going on, cuz I haven't been able 2 talk 2 Liz since she hung up on me B4. Becky & Dunc did some spy work & Dunc saw Howard doing some stuff in the car. Then he tore off when he saw Dad gettin' close. After I read Becky's comments to my last post, I got on IM & she also told me she saw Dad writing down the licence plate #. I hope he gets the cops involved. Mom's warped our heads so much, I'm afraid Liz prolly wants 2 wait until something even worse happens.  
  
Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny R telling me a good game of bridge oughta help take my mind off my worries. But it's gonna B hard 2 concentrate!


	89. August 9,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

  
it was kinda amazing how studly ur dad was. i kinda expected him 2, like, freeze like a deer in the headlights. i guess cuz ur mom woulda done that, an' ur dad is usually wimpier than her. but he was actually pretty cube. i almost died frum shock. sorry 2 say that liz wuz a total mini-elly about the whole thing.   
  
dunc is mad at me again. he thinks i should buy him a new pair o' manolos cuz it wuz my idea to go spying, an' he only did it cuz he thought i wuz gonna kiss him, an' i thought he knew i wuz just kidding around. i mean, ick. u don't kiss the guy u got a restraining order on. i learned that frum my mom. don't send mixed messages 2 ur stalker! which i guess i kinda did by asking him 2 go spy with me.


	90. August 10,2005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 93 is when this will all shake out. But don’t worry,moar craziness is to come!

Last night right B4 bed, I got a short message from Liz saying she doesn't expect 2 have more trouble from Howard since he knows our dad saw him watching in the car. I hope she's right, but I have a strange feeling. If NE peeps back home can check in w/Liz & let me know what's going on, I'd be so gr8ful!  
  
I didn't do very well playing bridge last night, cuz I cdn't stop thinking about Liz. Uncle Danny said if I get 2 B gd @ playing cards, I can earn some $ that way. Then Aunt Bev smacked his hand lightly & said he shdn't encourage me 2 gamble. This morning when I went out to feed the animals, I thought I saw a cute boy passing by. But maybe that was a mirage, like when UR in a desert & your thirst makes U think U see an oasis.


	91. August 10,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

I know I am being critized for the way I've handled the Howard situation. One part of me wanted to go run for help because this guy is bothering me. The other part of me says, that I am making a big deal out of nothing. I am an adult now, I should be able to handle these things on my own and not have to run to Daddy or someone else to take care of my difficulties. Candace says that I am making ten mistakes someone who is being stalked makes. But the voice in my head that says, "ignore this and it will go away." is winning out. I am so terrified.  
  
It's hard for me to tell you much April except that I was cornered by Howard today. I don't want to talk much else about what happened. Maybe I'll tell you about it tomorrow.


	92. August 11,2005

I keep refreshing my comments to see if NE1 knows something about what's going on w/Liz. I'm so nervous 4 her! It's hard being away like this, so I'm glad I've got peeps keeping me updated. Liz, R U OK? Beckers? Dunc? Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny think I'm a total internet addict cuz everytime they turn around I'm back here.  
  
Ugh, wd U believe I got an e-mail from Jeremy Jones? He said it's my fault Becky left the band cuz I'm so lame-o. This was totally out of nowhere, U know? Weird.


	93. August 11,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

  
Ok Apes. Don't freak or anything. There was a big kerfuffle over at the greenhouse. Lawrence left me at the desk and Howard went after me. He grabbed my middle hard and it still hurts but.  
  
Ah,crap. Mom just came in here so I had to minimize the screen lest she find your blog. (Not that she could find it on her own, what with her technological ineptness. But then I am not putting anything past Mom's nosiness.) Anyway she asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was writing to you. She freaked and said. "Don't you dare tell April about this! She's only 14 she doesn't need to know about things like this. You're only going to scare and upset her! She's on vacation for goodness sake, down on the farm! Are you trying to make my baby grow up before her time?" She went on a little bit about a dangerous world and how a mother always is in fear for her children. She says she's glad you're not here, but on the other hand she wishes you were. She says she wants all her babies home right now, just so she can be sure they're safe. Then she kinda walked away sobbing a little. I think she's a little hysterical. She's standing outside the door, keeping watch on me. I'll tell you all the dirt later. Just rest assured that I'm ok little sis. And...well I love you.

April Patterson wrote:

phew, liz, i m so relieved u r ok! now i know why ma just called aunt bev a second ago & said "give my baby a hug", & hung up. aunt bev thought she musta totally lost it. also thanx 4 hiding my blog. I still want her 2 think that bogus picture thing is my "blog". ha ha.

Becky McGuire wrote:

so liz, did u tear off his "package"? or did some1 rescue u?  
  
inquiring minds want 2 know.  
  
beckers  
  


Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

I wish I did!!! Anthony Caine rescued me. Remember him?

Becky McGuire wrote:

i think. wasn’t he UR bf in school?  
  


Jeremy Jones wrote:

Yeah you're lamo Ape-o. You can't even play the guitar without having your G string break. You'd be better off being a pole dancer with moves like that.

You know you like it Ape-o. You love the attention I give you. Besides you're there and you're a lamo Patterson, what more reason do I need?  
  
Admit it. If if wasn't for me you'd be sitting there agonizing over Liz and Howard's torrid love affair. Secretly,you are in love with me. I saw the I love Jeremy Jones paper you were making in home room with little hearts and April Jones written all over it.  
  
Besides, what are you going to do? Send Gerald to put me in a headlock?

April Patterson wrote:

omg, jeremy, that "love" paper was a joke that becky made! she alwayz does a gag gift on my b-day since i was born on april fool's day! i can't believe u thought that was real.

Jeremy Jones wrote:

I thought you were lameo, but now I think you are more challenged than Shannon. I bet Becky's gonna come to your rescue now and say she wrote the note, but you and I both know the truth babe. What a minute. She was kinda teed off about you and Gerald all hot an' heavy at the grad dance. I think she has a thing for you Ape-O. Better watch out.  
  
By the way,it’s a good thing you stopped playing the guitar. You're musicality is very lacking. Harsh I know, but you still love me.

Becky McGuire wrote:

jeremy just has a sick fantasy about watching us 2 have hott lesbian sexx. take a number and get in line, jones. dunc got there 1st.  
  
get comfy cuz u'll be waiting 4 a long time. till hell freezes over.  
  
god, u are probably the biggest tard in school...they just don't have "special" enough "special classes" for super-tards like u. they don't want nice kids like shannon 2 get contaminated by ur perviness.  
  
an' if u r too stupid 2 understand an april fool's joke, well, the government should just save their money and kick u out of school now. ur hopeless.  
  
now f off. ur not welcome here. remember, i have a lawyer on retainer an' the chief of police on my speed dial. just ask dunc what happens when u mess with me.


	94. August 12,2005

Quick text message from Liz just came in:

> anthony = hero  
liz = damsel in distress  
ttyl

I can't imagine Thérèse is going 2 B happy that A. went to the garden centre, let alone rescued Liz. There's sure 2 B lotsa dram from this, ppl! NEway I'm just relieved that Liz is OK. It's crazy 2 think that creeps like Howard can B at yr job where U R just minding yr own biz.


	95. August 12,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Alright Apes. Mom just went off to the store. I can tell you a what happened.  
  
Lawrence told me he had a meeting in town with Nick, which is code word for "going to get some nookie" (or they went to meet a case worker about adopting). So, I was at the counter working when Howard came up and started acting like the dumbass he is. He then cornered me at the desk. Howard was suddenly all hands, trying to grope around me and telling me to be friendly. I hit him in the head and tried to run away. That's when he grabbed my middle so hard and I started screaming for help. It could have been anyone, but it was Anthony. Yup. I am as surprised as you are.   
  
But, he just subdued Howard, made him apologize and let him go.  
I'm not saying that this is my fault or anything. Howard is the one with the serious problem. But, if I had just let Lawrence know what was going on or called the cops like Dad wanted, none of this would have happened.   
  
You know I am trying to be good and sensible and remember that even if he's unhappy, Anthony is a married man. He's really starting to look old, but being unhappy will do that to you right?


	96. August 13,2005

Gerald rode his bike out the the garden centre to peek in & make sure Liz is still OK, cuz he knows I'm still nervous. After all, no one has called the cops on Howard yet. Who knows what he might me doing? Just cuz Anthony made him apologize doesn't mean he stops being a psycho, right?  
  
So he doesn't wanna intrude, but Ger hears Liz telling Anthony that though Howard's been "bugging" her, she never thought he'd hurt her. Cuz she wants 2 believe there's something good in every1. Am I the only 1 who thinks Liz is channeling Mom (again)? Remember when Kortney was threatening me @ Mom's store & Mom didn't wanna believe it? Then Ger sees Anthony givin' Liz a big ol' hug & saying "That's because there's so much good in you." Then Gerald rode off cuz he was afraid A wd do her right there on the floor.   
  
I dunno, Liz. I'm glad Anthony got the creepy guy off of U. But Howard's still dangerous and now U've got this married guy squeezing U out in pub.


	97. August 13,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

I have little defense for my stupidity. Really. I am of two minds. Part of me is really smart and savvy. The other part of me is a completely helpless flower who longs for a man to rescue her. Confused yet? Imagine how I feel!  
  
All I can say is that Mom has been grinding the logic that all people have good in them since I was in the womb. You should know April, you suffer the same indoctrinations that I do. Remember the fairy tales Mom always told us? "Cinderella was treated very badly by her stepmother and stepsister, but Cinderella knew there was good in everyone so she patiently, obediently and sweetly waited for the day the good showed itself, knowing the great reward that was in store for her. One day things happened with the handsome prince and he rescued her from her situation. It was then that the stepfamily apologized and told Cindy they loved her. Everyone was happy."  
  
Then there is the "Patterson's are charmed" philosophy. I remember being upset one night and scared. Mom came to me and said, "Don't worry Elizabeth. Nothing bad can ever happen to you. You are a Patterson." I've heartily bought into that as you can see. It's easier and nicer to believe that than walking around scared that the sky might fall on your head.  
  
As for Anthony. Yes I still have feelings for him. He was my first after all, so yeah there are emotions there. Sue me! I know he's looking a little mature lately, but you must consider how hard his life has been lately. I know Therese is pretty rough on him. He would die rather than admit it, what man wants to admit his wife is abusive? I really feel for him. Also, throw in the fact that I am rather vulnerable right now. There isn’t a boyfriend in sight at present. Desperation and horniness can make even the most virtuous girl carry on with a married man.  
  
All that said. Just because he hugs me after a pretty scary situation doesn't mean anything is going on with us! You are all just as suspicious as Therese! Besides, I've done nothing to encourage Anthony's affections...not outright anyway!

April Patterson wrote:

ur right, liz, mom has screwed us up in lotsa weird wayz. i dunno what else 2 say!

Vicki Simon wrote:

Liz, u should listen to ur head and not ur heart. It's not cube to have an affair w/a married man (especially one that looks like he's in his 40's when he's in his 20's!). U don't want to become a gig!  
  
That Howard jerk could b really dangerous so u should report him to the police.  
  
Usually my mom's a foob, but she told me that I might meet the right person when I least expect it, and that I should make the best of my life and not settle for damaged goods, as she says. That was really cube of her!

Becky McGuire wrote:

for the record jeffo an' i only went 2 first base. which is no worse then what april an' gerald do. an' yeah, i liked him an' he told me he liked me. so i got burned. i learned my lesson.  
  
an' yeah i like 2 dress cute but so do most girls. peeps are just jellus cuz i'm pretty. so what if i used my glamor shot in the "who's who in milborough" book?? i had those taken 4 my career.  
  
i m sorry i sed mean things 2 u liz but i m so tired of hearing from pattersons that i m a huge slut. cuz it's not true. an' i have feelings.  
  
ok, so u should "quench anthony's urges" or whatever. all i'm sayin' is that if therese made him all old an' ugly, maybe u can make him young an' studly.  
  
u are actually pretty cube liz. u just need to stop an' think before u do an' say stuff. ask urself: "is this what my mom would do?" cuz if it is, DONT!!!


	98. August 14,2005

I heard that Dee & her mom took the kiddles 2 Lake Heron & Merrie took off all her fancy new clothes cuz her Grandma Mira told her not 2 get them dirty. What a st00pid thing 2 say. Dee got all freaked out about Merrie "streaking". But what's the big about a naked almost-3yo NEway? At the beach? When Dee got home, she told Mike they'd better keep a close eye on her cuz this cd B a sign she has "loose morals". Or, y'know, it cd B a sign she's NOT EVEN 3 YET! So whatev.


	99. August 14,2005 - comments

Duncan Anderson wrote:

My dad made me go w/ him to yr place for his choo-choo playdate w/ yr dad. Liz wasnt there, but Mike was. He made me play like 1000 games of chess w/ him which is weird 'cos he suxs at chess. I beat him every time an' he didnt care. He had those bug eyes happening like yr mom does sometimes.  
  
I guess I better tell u that I did something stupid. Again. I told yr mom that u r learning how to play bridge. Yr mom thinks it would be great if I learned to play bridge too so that u, me and r moms can play bridge while r dads play w/ the choo-choos. My mom was really really mad at me. She said a swear word I never heard her say b4 an' I thought that she had run out of new swear words when I got charged an' she even threatened to send me back "home" to live with my grandma if she had to hang with "that crazy Patterson ****." So Apes, u got to help me out here.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

it sounds like u had a bad day, dunc. our dadz r so weird about their choo-choos. i'll tell my mom that bridge was kortney's fave game & that she played it online when she wuz pretending 2 work @ the store. i don't know y mike is trying 2 b all in2 chess lately. i think my mom mighta put him up 2 it. don't worry about jeremy. he just wants 2 feel important.

Jeremy Jones wrote:

I think all Patterson's are 4th rate Jones. Apehole. Really someday you are going 2 love me, & so is your mom. I promise. & we will get married and have 300 babies. I love you April!   
  
I read all the stuff you said about me. I don't care if I have attention issues or not. I like being a thorn in your side! I like that I get so totally under your & Becky & Dunkydoo's skin.


	100. August 15,2005

Latest text from Liz: "Howard speeds off. We have a big laugh b/c everyone here wanted to punch Howard." Sounds like good times, sis, but _Howard is speeding off_! What do U all think he's gonna do next, leave the country? Some1 call the cops already!  
  
I heard that Mike is obsessed with chess these days, but not very good at it. Not only did he get Duncan 2 play over & over again, but he's been stopping peeps & challenging them to a match. Weird.


	101. August 15,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

  
I thought it was great that I'm the only person who had problems with Howard. Just because we were laughing doesn't mean that I'm not going to press charges. I mean, shouldn't he have gotten the message? Don't mess with me or someone will beat you up. Not very realistic I know. I'm just traumatized right now.  
  
Mike plays chess because he thinks it will make him look smart. He's been playing it with Weed for awhile. The other night I called to talk to him and Dee told me he was studying chess over at Weed’s.

Becky McGuire wrote:

ok liz...which option do u think sounds most like ur mom?  
  
1: "i shuld make howard get arrested an' pay 4 his crimes. if i do'nt he might boob-grab anuther girl--or worse!"  
  
2: "howard has prolly learned his lesson. besides, it's wrong to make a fuss. an' no really bad people live in milboro anyway so i prolly just misunderstood what he was doing. prolly he was just going 2 give me a friendly hug."  
  
then u should pick the 1 ur mom would NOT do.  
  
that's my advice.

Vicki Simon wrote:

It was really cool that Anthony helped u Liz, even if what he was doin at the store was never explained, u know? Howard could still b psycho though, so the four of you should prolly quit standin' around bs-ing an' call the police. I know that's blunt, but he could b out tryin' 2 attack other girls.  
  
On a lighter note, me n' Marla got tickets 2 see the Used in Mississauga on Sept. 13 at the Arrow, an' we picked up an extra one for u April if u wanna go. The Used are so hard-core n' cutting edge, so the show'll b totally cube!

Michael Patterson wrote:

Hi evrybody,  
  
A merry mirthful monday to my modem minglers!  
  
My summer-writing class is finshed and, as you can see, me wrting skills have incraesed dramatically. My instructor was amazing - even taking time out of her buzy schedule to tutor me nightly while hre husband was out-of-town on buziness. Thus explaning my abcess from the computer.  
  
I jsut wanted to touch base with all of you regarding a few points:   
Liz - I have vage recollections of the cinderalla story you posted a few days ago, but seem to recall Mom's hansel and gretel story better:  
  
See, there was this little boy named hansel and this little girl named gretel patterson. Gretel's mom told her that they had to be in by dinnertime, but Hansel - being the deceptive, manipulative male that he was - tricked gretel into staying out later she was supposed to. To top it off, hansel chased gretel into the deep, dark woods - no doubt for his devious male purposes - were they proptly got lost because hansel refused to stop and ask for directions. Gretel started crying becuase she missed her beautiful, loving, caring and compassionate mother, elly. Hansel and gretel wandered through the woods for a long time before they reached this house made of gingerbread. hansel started eating at the house because he was very hungry, but gretel's mom told her not to spoil her appetite and she knew that gingerbread would make her fat and unattractive and give her flappy arms. Soon an old woman came out wondering hwo was eating at her house and took pity on the two hungry children and invited them in. Hansel ran into the house like a wild animal. Gretel's mom told her not to talk to strangers but gretel's mom also taught her to give strangers the benefit of the doubt and to recognize the good in all people. Gretel was conflicted and entered the house hesistantly. The old woman fed and bathed the children and promptly sent them to bed.  
  
The next morning when the children awoke, the kind old woman had tunred into a wicked old witch. Hansel was frightened. "Don't eat me!" cried Hansel. "I'm so sorry for loading the dishwasher wrong!!" Gretel remembered what her mom told her about seeing the good in people and her fears dissispitated. She knew that the witch couldn't be SO evil that she'd eat them. Most of all, she knew she was a girl and a patterson and that nothing could happen to her. Seh calmly waited for someone to rescue her.  
  
Hansel, on the other hand, trembled like a leaf. "I'm so sorry for eating your house!" he cried. "I thought it was tofu!" "Shut up," cried the witch. "Becasue you don't listen to your mother and because you - like every man - are drivn by one thing, you will pay the ultimate penalty!" With that, the witch pulled out a sharp pair of scissors and cut off Hansel's evil, ugly man-stick.  
  
The witch then turned to Gretel. "You know why I had to do that, don't you honey?" Putting the scissors down she reached up and removed the witch's mask that covered her face. It was the old woman. "I had to teach both of you a lesson." She reached up again and removed the old woman mask, revealing the face of Gretel's mom, Elly Patterson. "You see, I'm not the wicked witch, Gretel." She turned and pointed at Hansel. "He is. The lesson is that men are evil, Gretel. And you must do all you can to remove that evil so they listen and respect you, Gretel."  
  
Just thought I'd share a very valuable lesson with all you readers.  
  
Secondly: I love a good game of chess. It's just like checkers because it's played on the same board. Except all the different pieces move in different directions. And just because you have a king doesn't mean you can say "King Me!" It took me awhile to figure that out.  
  
Thirdly, Dee told me about Merrie running around naked on the beach. I can only apologize. Sadly, I thought I raised my daughter better than that. I can only wonder: what has she been watching on TV or listening to on the radio to make her do such a shameful thing as stripping off all her clothes and running stark naked down the beach like a pole danser? Who has been in contact with her? Kortney? Becky McGuire? Why did Mira have to be there, forcing her wardrobe choices on my impressionable daughter? Why couldn't Dee be a better mother and watch Merrie closer?   
  
So, on behalf of my wife and myself, apologies for my daughter's shameful behavior. I only hope that we can nip this in the bud (pardon the pun) before something worse happens...  
  
Love,  
Michael Patterson


	102. August 16,2005

The horse was eating hay & I was thinking about when kids say "hey" and parents say "hey (hay) is for horses". I hate that, don't you? But NEway, this really cute boy rode up on a horse. He's the one I thought might have been a mirage. Yay, he's real! He lives on a neighbouring farm & he's allowed to cross through this farm 2 get 2 his. Steve is 15 and starting grade 10 this fall. He told me my cousin Laura used to babysit him when he was little. I'll have to ask her for some stories.  
  
I don't have new news from Liz, but I'm hoping she'll leave a comment 2 let us know if something else has happened. Like maybe calling the cops & telling Lawrence about the stalking and assaulting. Well, I'm off 2 C Steve's farm!


	103. August 16,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote: 

Holy cow April. I don't know where to start! So I thought it would be with wedding dresses. Though Mom's friend will probably design one for me like she did Dee.  
  
Therese Caine wrote:

you stay away from le husband, you housewrecker you! i will claw les eyes out!  
  
Anthony Caine wrote:

ODE TO A PATTERSON  
  
  
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains  
My sense, as though of Miracle Gro I had drunk,  
Or knocked some balding thug to the floor  
One minute past, and my shoulders had sunk:  
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,  
But being too happy in thine happiness,--  
That thou, light-winged Nymph of Mtigwaki  
In some nefarious plot  
Of meddling mother, and stalkers numberless,  
Concludest my summer in full-throated kiss.  
  
O, for a escape from Her Bitchiness! that hath been  
Cool'd a long age in the ice of Quebec,  
Tasting of cigarettes and the cognac brown,  
Career culture,and Francophone song, and the hairy pits!  
O for a beaker full of the warm Patterson,  
Full of the true, the blissful Elizabeth,  
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,  
And purple-bruised boob;  
That I might drink, and leave my marriage behind,  
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:  
  
Fade far away, or at least to Spruce Narrows, and quite forget  
What thou among the leaves hast never known,  
The weariness, the diapers, and Francoise’s teething  
In Milborough, where men sit and hear each other sell cars;  
Where palsy shakes the young, sad, last gray hairs,  
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;  
Where but to speak is to be full of puns  
And leaden-eyed despairs,  
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,  
Or ancient Love pine at her beyond to-morrow.  
  
Away! away! for I will fly to thee,  
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,  
But on the viewless wings of adultery,  
Though the dull Howard perplexes and retards:  
Already with thee! tender is the night,  
And haply Queen Elly is on her throne,  
Cluster'd around by all her messy Pets;  
But here there is no light,  
Save what from Elizabeth is with the tresses blown  
Despite jealous wives plotting financial gain.  
  
I did not see what flowers were in my grasp,  
Nor what soft incense hung upon the boughs,  
But, in embalmed baby wipes, guess each sweet  
Wherewith the orange t-shirt endows  
The breasts, the navel, and the buttocks wild;  
White thighs, and the pastoral between;  
Fast fading violets cover'd up in sensibly priced panties;  
On menopausal Elly’s second child,  
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,  
The murmurous haunt of meetings on summer eves.  
  
Darling I hug you; and, for many a time  
I have been not in love with careering Thérèse,  
Call'd her nasty names in many an undertone,  
To take into the courts my empty marriage;  
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,  
To cease within the courtroom in some pain,  
While thou art pouring forth thy teachings north  
In such an ecstasy!  
Still wouldst thou say, do I have hopes in vain--  
To thy innermost feminine chalice become a rod?  
  
  
  
Forlorn! the very word is like a bell  
To toll me back from thee to my lonely self!  
Good in You! accountants cannot cheat so well  
As I am likely to do, deceiving wife.  
Good in You! Good in You! my plaintive anthem fades  
Past the Greenhouse doorway, over the parking lot,  
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep  
In dreams of hourly rate motels:  
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?  
Fled is but one stalker:--Do I call the cops on me?


	104. August 17,2005

So, I'm standing there talking to cute neighbour Steve when my cousin Laura comes along and says "little Stevie Kirschbraum! I can't believe what a big boy you are now! You've grown so much since last summer! Oh, April, you should have seen this boy when he was little, what a pisser!" And on and on. Just when we were getting a bit of a flirt going. Then a text message came in on my phone, so I took a peek and it was from Beckers. She saw Liz sitting in Anthony's car. They were stopped at the light and she thought they looked like they had some intense conversation going on, Liz waving her arms around while Anthony cried. I wonder what Liz is gonna have 2 say next time she checks in here.


	105. August 17,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

Sorry to Take Care of Business here April but I have reason to suspect Mz. Putain-Glacée has got a sniffer on my pc that's monitoring my email and she took away my cell (in fact she flushed it when she found the photos I had stored on it along with her HSN engagement ring but that's another story *sniff*). I feel a bit like I'm doing "Radio Free Milborough" here as this is my only communication with the outside world that isn't being monitored by that stupid private detective.

In fairness you guys are only getting ONE side of the dramatic story. You have no idea what kind of day I had before I went to Lakeshore Landscaping. After an hour of French-oath-peppered _merde_ and tears from the _putain_ about a woman's needs (producing kids took care of all my mom's needs, unless you count her stash of Popov in the ceramic chicken) and me avoiding her even when we're at parties together as a couple --which is a bunch of crap I always stay in the same room and I danced with her not once but TWICE at our wedding. I've gotten good at tuning that static out but there's only so much a man can take so I went to my mom's to drop the whoosit off with a note on the kind of diapers Mom needed to pick up.   
  
But is that easy? No! Mom's in floods about some kind of lump and a biopsy and when I pointed out she was out of the Listerine breath-strips I like I don't think she paid any attention AT ALL so I just took some gas money out of the bureau and they didn't even have the right kind of breath freshener at the BP station. Arrgh!  
  
(This 'stache, while dead-sexy, has a tendency to collect bits of soup and cereal and you need a decent breath mint to give it the old air-wick treatment.)  
  
Needless to say I was mad enough to kill when I pulled into the LL parking lot. Howard's lucky he got away with a first class noogie treatment. I would have moved on to Indian burns but my Beloved forestalled my masculine wrath and brought me back to sanity with the sweet siren song of her voice.

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

April. I wish I could answer all the questions you must have, but I simply can't.  
  
Between Howard's behavior, Antony's bomb and my boob burting like an Elly I'm just a little overwhelmed.  
  
For now I only have one response to the previous post: Je ne suis pas un naufrageur à la maison vous foob égoïste! Vous êtes un homme marié. Je n'ai pas besoin de vos bagages. Allez à votre épouse et obtenez la consultation de mariage. Sérieusement. Juste parce que vous avez économisé mon cou ne signifie pas que je  
suis obligé de vous sauver de vos mauvais choix dans la vie. Vous  
avez fait votre lit maintenant se situer dans lui! Ask your wife to translate that for you.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

dang who knew my dad wuz right when he sed that 8th grade french would come in handy??

April Patterson wrote:

wow. ape = speechless right now. becks is right about the french coming in handy. wooo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation of Liz’s French rant:
> 
> I am not a wrecker at home you selfish foob! You are a married man. I do not need your luggage. Go to your wife and get the wedding consultation. Seriously. Just because you saved my neck does not mean I am obliged to save you from your bad choices in life. You  
have made your bed now lie in it!


	106. August 18,2005

I'm writing this post on Steve's computer cuz I was over here at his house when I got this text message from Liz:

> a. is crazy, apes! sits me under a tree & tells me his marriage isn't gonna work & he wants me to wait for him. grabbed my shoulders & shook me when he said that. & speed-freak eyes. gotta run! l.

Just when Liz thought she had one crazy 2 deal w/ (Howard) now she's got Anthony getting freaky with her. Pls watch out for my sis, peeps!  
  
Steve's 'rents R pretty cool. His mom teaches in the biopsychology department at the University of Winnipeg, and his dad owns a diner called Eats. Steve has a couple of guitars, so we might jam later. But first, he's gonna show me how to make cheese and yoghurt!


	107. August 18,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Man something is really wrong with Anthony. He used to not be such a wet rag. I think this town does something bad to men. Look at them, there is something wrong with all of them. First there is Gordo, looks like a 40 year old banker. Dad, though he looks young he's just a little, weird. Then there is Anthony, overdramatic wuss. Michael, well we've all witnessed Mike in action and know what's wrong with him. Even Gerald has shown signs of grampaishness.

Anthony Caine wrote:

Oh dear, sweet Elizabeth, if only you knew what I’ve been through. How I tried to make things work with Thérèse. I’d come home from a long morning with Gordo’s second set of books (the ones he doesn’t show to the CRA), wanting nothing more than a drink, a hot, home-cooked meal with choice of side dishes, a foot massage, a half-decently presented dessert, and then Something French Girls are Supposedly Famous For before checking the quality of the ironing on my nighty-night socks. But no, it was always “I had to work late” or “I cooked the past three nights” or “Whose athletic socks are these? Do the initials E.P. in laundry ink mean anything to you? _Je n'y crois pas_! They’re sticky, you _branleur_!”  
  
Little did I know when I had the old engraving on her wedding ring removed that I was polishing a portal to hell!  
  
Thérèse and her career! She’s always trying to get ahead, going for that promotion, taking assignments that’ll get her noticed even if they mean some travel. I talked to your dad about it once and he said all that striving was the sign of a deeply unhappy person. I broke down and cried, to be honest, he looked so experienced and wise in his little blue hat with the pinstripes as he backed up the engine on his trainset, making _chuff-chuff_ noises. Sort of like an HO-scale Solomon.  
  
Sure, Thérèse makes excuses. “If I get that promotion it’ll be so good for us.” “They’re opening a new office in Montreal, we’ll be able to buy a bigger house and get into a better school system” or “we’ve only got to get through this assignment with all the travel, then we’re set.” Notice the language? We, us…what kind of marriage is that? She never mentions _me_!  
  
I’d talk to your mother about it sometimes. Stop by Lilliput’s but somehow she was never there, but I’d find her in a coffee shop or a park or her kitchen and SHE understood, more than my mom or that nightmare of a mother-in-law. I’d cry in her lap and she’d stroke my hair and tell me that Thérèse didn’t deserve me; I should make some lucky girl happy and have “lots and lots of grandkids, err, kids.”  
  
“Kids?” I asked. She wiped my tears just like she did when she fixed my boo-boos and gave me a kiss as a child.  
  
“Yes, all a woman needs is a pregnancy and it puts things into perspective. You get your priorities right when you’ve got a baby. It’s not so much motherhood as mother-shroud. You’re old and you don’t miss it a bit. Not one bit. Not one eenie meenie meinie bit. It’s such a miracle.”  
  
So I took the old x-acto to her diaphragm that very night, right after I put some jelled corn-syrup in the spermicide tube.  
  
And yes, I tried therapy. I went to a local woman because she had an office near Lilliputs. I told her the whole sorry story, from Thérèse taking down my Elizabeth wall when we got engaged to the little honey-blonde figurine on the wedding cake. I got a bunch of crap about living in the past and she suggested some pills to help with my depression and I told her the only pills I wanted was Essence of Elly Patterson for my wife. She started choking and dropped her pen, but that’s what happens when common-sense solutions get presented to these charlatans.  
  
Oh Elizabeth, how I wish you’d understand what I’ve been through!

Michael Patterson wrote:

Hi all,  
  
Convoluted concerns and confused comments come creeping.  
  
Okayh, so Liz mentioned me twice today. I'm honoured, sis - but maybe you'd let me in on "what's wrong with" me? Just becuase I'm devoted to my writting and my job? Just becuase I trust my wife enough to know that she can handle a full-time job and the house and the kids while I dedicate my life to my career? Mom always told us to make something of ourselves. That it IS possible to hav ea family and a career and, cheese and rice, that's what I'm doing!  
  
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout and cuss. It's just so hard sometimes. Working as much as I do then coming home to find that the dishwasher hasn't been loaded or, worse yet, Dee bought is letting the kids pound on the good pots agian. That doesn't give me nearly enugoh time to write or hang out with weed. Or run more tape lines through the lobby. Or bad mouth Dee's mom. See, I'm missing out on so much important stuff becuase I have to take care of Merrie and Pip-I mean Robin, or becuase I have to peel the foil back on the TV dinners before I put them in the oven.

Becky McGuire wrote:

these guys are wack.


	108. August 19,2005

Hey, peeps, Liz asked me to post this:

> My head was spinning this evening. I could hardly tell up from down. Lawrence had called to tell me he'd fired Howard and to remind me to file charges. File charges! With all this Anthony stuff, I almost forgot that I have to get the police involved. When Mom asked me what was going on, I thought we'd have a mother-daughter heart-to-heart. But instead, she kept looking over her shoulder while I was talking. And when I was done, she skulked away and flopped into the easy chair. So I came up here to "talk" to all of you. I can hear Dad downstairs asking Mom if anything happened today. Why am I feeling she's making this all about her?


	109. August 19,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

Bite your tongue, April! Your mother is a saint.  
  
Yes, that's right, a saint. And not one of those weird Catholic saints that starved themselves to death on top of a pole or grew a beard to avoid other men or cut themselves daily; I'm talking about a true saint, the type that gives up body and soul to those she loves, regardless of how many hours she had to spend scrubbing out the burnt sides of the casserole dish and never smells like gallouises and perfume but always has a friendly aroma of vanilla lattes, cinnamon, and wet dog.  
  
Like how Elizabeth smelled that Valentine's when we went to the Wine and Dine (I still laugh at the way you called it the "Whine and Dine" when I got the bill). Remember, Elizabeth? The fun we had sending back three appetizers and only getting charged for one entree because I complained to the manager? And then making out in the car even though it was freezing? I can still hear your passionate exclaimation when I stuck my hand in your blouse (I guess my fingers were kinda cold) . Good times. I sit in the basement and count sharp edges (There are sixteen in the basement alone! Twenty-nine in the kitchen, btw) and think about us all the time. All the time.  
  
You will wait for me, right, Liz?

Therese Caine wrote:

_Salopard_! When I get home from mon travailles today, Anthony, you vill sit in the parlor et think about vat you have done!  
  
Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Anthony. That all happened when we were kids. I know you think you are in love with me because you associate me with the carefree bliss of youth, but having me in your life and Therese out isn't going to make things better. You never have really commited yourself to your wife and your marriage and in that lies your problem. Try to enjoy what you have now and quit living in the past!  
  
So what happens if you and I end up having the relationship you wish we had? What happens when you become unhappy? Do you start longing for Therese and start trying to win her back?  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

no offense liz, but i m getting kind of bored with how APRIL'S blog has suddenly turned into the "days of liz's life." i mean come on i don't come here to read anthony's million mile long posts about his boring ass life. an' liz, even tho i think u r a cool member on this blog, u know u r going 2 end up marrying anthony, so y do u pretend u r not? my eyes r rolling so hard over here that i think they're gonna get stuck that way.  
  
mayb the best thing 2 do would be 2 give anthony a word limit.  
  
sorry i kno u all r prolly pissed at me now, but i come here 2 read about news of band mates an' hot guyz apes is chasing. not about the woes of mr. mom. i don't care if he still loves liz. he is old an' gross an' this blog is for teenagers an' cool 20 somethings. not senior citizens with baby strollers.  
  
lylas apes.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I was doing some internet searching for reviews of my performance as Mabel in the Milborough Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual-Transgender Light Opera Company’s production of the Pirates of Penzance, when I came across your blog. I am the Howard that …”attacked”… your sister Elizabeth Patterson, and I just wanted you to know that she is not in any danger from me and will probably never see me again. My boss Lawrence has changed my hours at Lakeshore Landscaping to nights and weekends until your sister goes back to school. Plus, your sister doesn’t strike me as the type to see Gilbert and Sullivan. I can only say as my part of the … “attack”… that I was pleased to see that it had the desired effect of reconciling your sister with her grandfather.

I am not sure who this Anthony is. A few weeks ago, Lawrence and Nick called me into their office and asked if I would be willing to take on a special acting job for a “friend” of theirs. They had seen me play Musetta in La Boheme with the GLBTG Light Opera Company and thought I could handle it. They said I had a good menacing look, which is true when I don’t have on my makeup, wig and dress. I don’t know who the “friend” was, but it might have been your grandfather, if Anthony is his name.  
  
Toodles

April Patterson wrote:

howard, alliterations, huh? that sounds a lot like our brother mike. mike what r u doing?!?!  
  
we have 2 grandpas, jim and will. anthony is liz's ex. he's only 24, like liz, but he's been looking older.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

yeah howard u got totally fooled. the alliteration guy was trying to get liz to start going out with her married ex-boyfriend again. the boyfriend just looks super old. an' yeah, i think the alliteration man is liz's brother mike. his pal gordo prolly gave him the money tho cuz mike doesn't have any of his own.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April and Becky,  
24?!! Married ex-boyfriend?!! Are you sure? He has an old geezer walrus moustache. Plus, when we were “fighting” he was using Grandpa Fu (tweaking) on my ear and it took all my dramatic training to keep a straight face and say, “Ow.” I suppose it is possible, after all my uncle looks a lot older than my aunt, when she is actually older than he is. I am disappointed that he was not Elizabeth’s grandfather, though.

By the by, does Elizabeth’s brother or this gordo guy have any friends on the Milborough police force? When I asked Lawrence and Nick whether or not I would get into trouble for “stalking” Elizabeth, they said not to worry. Their “friend” knew someone in the police force who would “handle” any complaints filed against me. I am getting nervous, since I was so easily taken in. My uncle and aunt play practical jokes on me all the time. I am told I am quite the gullible goose.  
  
Feeling foobish

Becky McGuire wrote:

yes howard the guy with the walrus mustash is only 24. krazy huh? it blows my mind 2. don't feel bad about getting tricked. he looks an' acts like he's 84 an' he's fooled people who have known him his whole life even. one time i wuz in the grocery store with my mom an' she doesn't know anthony. he wuz with his baby, an' mom said, "isn't that nice, he's spending all this time with his great-granddaughter." when i told her he just graduated our school like 6 years ago, mom flipped. an' she wasn't even high on anything that day.

yes mike lawrence an' gordo went 2 school with some cop named brad luggsworth or something. they weren't friends in school but they are now an' gordo prolly gave him some money 2 keep it all on the down-low. gordo is loaded so he can do anything he wants 2 in m-boro an' nobody stops him. just ask his wife tracey.  
  
don't worry about being gullible i get made fun of all the time. people think i'm dumb cuz i'm blonde. sometimes i act kinda dumb but everyone has dayz like that, you know? so don't feel bad u r not the only one who gets fooled.  
  
hey u know i think mike is your aunt an' uncle's neighbor. you might of heard of him cuz your relatives an' he have a huge fight going on an' mike published that big expose on them in the "m-boro shop an' saver" last month. it's kinda funny u got hired 4 this job cuz i can't believe mike would ever trust a kelpfroth. oh well he prolly didn't know u were 1.


	110. August 20,2005

You might remember that back in April I was thinking about getting a haircut. Obviously, I haven't & I'm pretty bored w/the 'do I've had all these years. Well, it's better than that bowl cut mom used to make me wear, but still. NEway, I was joking around w/Steve about how my mom wd totally freak out if I got a MOHAWK!

So what do U think, peeps? Shd I do it? U know Mom wd pee her pants, & I cd prolly sell tix 2 ppl who'd pay to see that!

I'm not sure what Liz is up 2 right now, but I hope she's filed that report w/the police like Lawrence said she shd. Y'know, instead of doing something like sitting around & talking 2 her cat. But what R the chances she's doing that?


	111. August 20,2005 - comments

Jeremy Jones wrote:

u wuld actually b cube as 1ce if u got a 'hawk, aypo. 2 bad ur 2 much of a wus 2 actually du suh'in about ur dork-ass hair.

Kortney Krelbutz wrote:

u would look like an idiot with a mohawk,ap. just thinking bout it makes me hurl. in fact i did when i saw that pic. i used the trash can a stole from ur ma's crappy store before that bitch fired me.  
  


Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes, I like the 'hawk, mayB we can start a new punk band after u get back from the farm.  
  
I was at my lawyers yesterday an' saw a woman with a French name with a girl baby with a French name. I asked my lawyer if it was Anth's wife an' he told me it was none of my business. I heard the lady say that she wants a divorce because of adultery an' that she wants my lawyer to sue the roadside gig her husband was hanging with in the park.

Im back from story time @ the Manor. Ill b so glad when school starts 'cos I wont hafta go there every day n e more. 2day was   
worse than usual. I started @ page 28 of war an' peace an' ended @ page 19 'cos the oldies were all excited about there field trip 2morrow an' kept talking an' talking about it so I had 2 keep repeating myself. I got rilly pissed with them an' I finally asked them y they keep calling me Malcolm when my name is Duncan. 1 of the oldies told me it was 'cos it says "Reading Time With Malcolm" in there programme an' she showed me there programme an' it does say that an' she said that 'cos Im there reading at reading time yr name must b Malcolm. She made my brain hurt so I gave up.  
  
The programme says that the oldies field trip 2morrow is a scenic   
gardens an' landscaping tour of Mboro by Lawrence Poirier of   
Lakeshore Landscaping. Yr grandpa an' yr step-grandma r signed up 4   
it. I think its gr8t 'cos "Reading Time With Malcolm" is cancelled   
2morrow 4 the field trip. I guess it sux for Liz, tho, 'cos mayB shes gotta work while Lawrence is with the oldies.  
  
p.s. Beckers, if u r reading this, I dont wear grape lip gloss. I dont even like grapes.

  
  
Becky McGuire wrote:

omg apes i remember having that "heart attack surprise" 1 time at ur house. i got so sick after that my mom sed i could only eat over your place when u were ordering pizza or something. 'member? the throw-up was both red AND green!  
  
sorry nick it took me awhile 2 remember who u r. u sounded older than 12 maybe cuz of all the math stuff. actually i do need 2 get a math tutor an' maybe u could help me out. i usually get good grades but math is hard an' my dad used 2 help me but then he left an' it's hard 4 me 2 concentrate when my mom is partying with my "uncles" at all hours of the day an' nite. i got a c- in math last quarter which is real bad for me the lowest i ever got before in a class was a b- and that was in gym an' only cuz i didn't want to shower in front of mark kakossli becuz dunc sed he has a crush on me. anyway i'm sure u get the point. i wrote 2 my dad an' he sed he would pay 4 a tutor. u sound like u kno math really good so r u interested in the job?  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I have quite a wig selection and loads of clip-ons that I have collected over the years from my operatic roles. With community light opera, you usually have to provide your own costumes, so each new role is an opportunity to shop. There isn’t a lot of light opera that calls for tattoos. Fortunately for you, the Milborough GLBT Light Opera Company is currently doing the Pirates of Penzance, and although I am playing Mabel, most of the guys playing the pirates are using fake tattoos.

As for your sister, I can totally understand why she wouldn’t trust me. On the one hand, I take a sort of actorly pride in having convinced her that my “attack” was real. On the other hand, it’s probably too soon for her to realize it was an obvious setup. Was it really a coincidence that Nick and Lawrence leave and put her alone at the front desk, with everyone else busy outside the building, just at the time when her ex-boyfriend arrives to foil an attack I make on her in a public place in the middle of the day? I’m sure she’s smart enough to figure it out.

Becky,  
  
As you know, I was bit upset to find that the walrus moustache guy was not Elizabeth’s grandfather, but her ex-boyfriend. I confronted Lawrence about it, and he said that he told me to watch out for a guy who “looks like a grandfather with a walrus moustache” and not actually “a grandfather with a walrus moustache.” I asked Lawrence why his “friend” wanted Elizabeth and Anthony together and he did not know. Frankly, Lawrence and Nick think Elizabeth is going to be one of those never-married cat-ladies. I think this is because she talks about her cat and its “feline fashions” all the time at work. But, Lawrence said his “friend” had stuck by him during his toughest times, and he would do anything for his “friend.” That’s all I could find out.

Toodles

Becky McGuire wrote:

hey dunc if u don't wear grape lip gloss then y do u have shiny purple lips in ur yearbook photo?

howard u r right liz may not be the shiniest star in the m-boro sky but as soon as she finishes worrying about the casserole she iz gonna put 2 an' 2 together about the "going after" an' realize that mike an' his homeys set her up.  
  
i wonder why mike wants liz 2 marry anthony so bad?  
  
lylas  
  
p.s.--yeah apes whenever i look at ur fake blog i laugh so hard that "uncle bill" leans out the door of mom's bedroom an' throws a shoe at me an' tells me 2 b quiet. of course i don't listen cuz what's he gonna do? he can't come outta the bedroom cuz he's not wearing any clothes! that trick slays me.


	112. August 21,2005

So Liz mentioned she'd taught Gramps 2 use IM. She wasn't 2 sure if he'd figured out her instructions, but I guess he did, cuz he just IM'ed me. U C, someone (Duncan?) tipped him off that I'd been thinkin' about getting a mohawk. So here I was all bracing myself 4 a lecture abt how I shdn't. But guess what?

> **GrampsWarHeroJim:** DO IT!!!!  
**ApeFool91:** ???  
**GrampsWarHeroJim:** Aw, c'mon, it would be so funny to see my daughter have a cow over your hair! Too funny!  
**ApeFool91:** But I wd B so grounded. & Liz reminded me abt how bad "grounded" chores R. Remember that 1 time?  
**GrampsWarHeroJim:** Oh, right.  
**ApeFool91:** But I'll prolly get a mohawk wig & trick her in2 thinking I got buzzed.  
**GrampsWarHeroJim:** LOL. Pls call me 1st so I can come over. So much more fun than the Annual Scenic Gardens and Landscaping Tour.  
**ApeFool91:** ???  
**GrampsWarHeroJim: **Iris's idea. "Oh, Jim, it'll be fun!" It wasn't. But it put me to sleep and I guess I can always use a good nap. Speaking of which, I'm late for my next nap. Bye, dear.  
**ApeFool91:** Bye, Gramps!

NEway, that's what Gramps is up 2, I guess.


	113. August 21,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Lawrence came back from the Annual Scenic Garden and Landscaping Tour totally ticked off. He was ranting, “I rent the buses, I gather the geezers, and I can barely hear myself from all the snoring. They should call it the Annual Senior Sleeping Tour.” Next year, he wants me to give the tour in my dress and wig to see if that wakes them up. Although from your description of your grandfather, all I would probably hear is “Elly. I’m glad you’re finally dressing correctly.” Lawrence told me he tried to deliver the wigs and stuff to your dad, while your mom was at the Bumstead place, but you were out of town or something. So, maybe when you get back.  
  
As for your sister, apparently Lawrence’s “friend” reads this blog and was very unhappy at me spilling the beans on the “attack.” I am supposed to lay off so your sister has the time to “properly contemplate family mating tradition and destiny.” Whatever that means.

I did get to meet Becky and her mom and uncle Bill, who were there with her to help her load equipment. They were just in time for “high tea,” although Becky’s folks looked a little disappointed when I brought out the White Lion herbal tea. Becky had to explain to them that it was not that kind of “high.”  
  
Our sound man said Becky is real sharp. You should be really proud of her to get that gig. From what I heard,it was a pretty exclusive party. I am also impressed that your mother got invited. She must run in some pretty powerful circles. Rumor has it that your mom’s behaviour was pretty mild compared to some guy named Andar who was there. Any details, Becky?  
  
Toodles

Becky McGuire wrote:

u guys won't believe it i got hired 2 sing at that party!!! i had 2 learn a bunch of old fogey songs 4 it tho. anyway, i wuz there early too, 2 do the sound chek, an' i saw mrs. p. she wuz going around messing with all the decorations, saying she wuz "fixing" them an' that the caterer wuz a slob. even tho u know mrs. b is the caterer an' she set up the decs. apes, ur mom is a big ol' B-I-T-C-u know what!! then ur mom came over an' started telling me i wuz doing the sound chek wrong. WTF? ur mom knows nothing about music! then she started berating me something like i should have insisted that the rest of 4 Evah be invited 2 play the gig an' that i'm a spoiled only child. i tried 2 take that moment 2 remind her about marla but she went on an' on about how if i dis u apes that i'm gonna "end up on the pole." at that point i got so mad i "accidentally" dropped an amp on her foot! she limped all nite long!  
  
hey liz u should lay off howard. he invited me down 2 the GLBTU Opera House the other day 2 borrow some of their sound equipment 4 the gig an' 2 learn from their sound man how 2 do a real pro job. then we went an' had something called "high tea" after. he'z cube!  
  
lylas

Deanna Patterson wrote:

Hello, April. Michael is very busy--obsessed, even--with improving his chess game. He's been up all night reading a book. It's fine by me, given my persistent migraines. Next he hopes to become an expert at checkers. One project at at time, I remind him. I'll tell him to grace your blog with his ruminations as soon as he takes a break.

April Patterson wrote:

ugh, becks, i'm so embarrassed abt my mom acting like that @ the party. but that's so great that u got hired 2 sing there! don't let my mom get u down!  
  
dee, i hope that mike keeps himself so busy w/that chess stuff that he doesn't have time 2 meddle NEmore.

Becky McGuire wrote:  
  


first, liz, most of the "bad behavior" u think i've done is just nasty rumors an' misunderstandings. i'm not any worse than ur average kid.  
  
an' no, i don't want 2 see u get hurt, but ur attacks on me--an' you did start this bitchfest, not me--were really mean an' uncalled for. an' u have been sounding like u have a few screws loose in a lot of them.  
  
maybe this is all cuz u just got attacked. ok, maybe i should cut u some slack on that.   
  
but here's the thing: i've met howard an' he seems like a straight up guy. not that what he did 2 u wuz right. but it sounds like he got misled by lawrence. an' it's hard 2 say no 2 ur boss when he asks u 2 do something. so i can sympathize. i also think that he is sincere when he sez he will accept the punishment he deserves.   
  
i know u don't want 2 believe that ur brother an' ur ex love an' all their friendz were in a plot against u. that's some scary shit. but mayb u should give it some thought. u have 2 admit, the "coincidence" that anthony wuz there just when u needed him iz pretty lame.   
  
i always thought i kinda liked u an' it bugs me that u will probably marry this ancient anthony loozer an' that's what he is, he's a loozer. he's cheating on his wife maybe not with sexx but with feelings an' that's just as bad. believe me it suxx 2 know that ur dad iz not being true 2 his promises 2 ur mom an' what's anthony's kid gonna feel like some day when she finds out what happened? an' even if frenchy is kinda a bitch, she iz still anthony's wife an' he should deal with that be4 trying 2 line up a new girlfriend. my dad did that he didn't leave my mom 'til he had a new woman an' he just moved frum our house 2 hers an' why do you think my mom is so messed up now? it's cuz when dad left she found out her whole life wuz a lie cuz dad didn't love her but he stayed married 2 her anyway for awhile. what anthony iz doing to frenchy an' the french fry is evil. sorry but knowing he sez he still luvs u makes me think he's not a good guy an' could definitely be bad enough 2 set up a plot like howard sez.

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Aww Becks you are a good kid you know that?  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April and Becky,  
  
I came back from the cast party after the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera Company’s final performance of the Pirates of Penzance, read the invectives between Elizabeth and Becky, and started weeping profusely. There was so much negativity and it was all my fault. It even attracted the attention of Mary Worth, and believe me, you don’t want her involved in your troubles. My great grandfather Augustus Kelpfroth was almost ruined by her bad advice, back when she went by the name Apple Mary and my family still talks about it 70 years later. I am so proud of April for being such a little peacemaker in helping to bring you ladies back together and just in time.  
  
Becky, when we met, I never realized you had such a troubled home life. I was kicked out of my house when I was 16, so I thought I had an abominable adolescence, until I read your posts. The next time you visit, you can have all the cucumber sandwiches you want, plus I have a recipe for artichoke hearts that is to die for. By the by, drinking tea with your pinky out is not an indication of sexual preference. Rex Harrison did it in “My Fair Lady” and he had a lot of machismo.  
  
April, your sister says she wants evidence of my story and I have none to offer. I have no contracts, receipts, taped telephone conversations, surveillance video, blood-typing, DNA analysis or psychic detectives to offer. Besides Lawrence says that his “friend” wants your sister to keep on believing the “attack” was real and if I want legal help when your sister finally presses charges, I “better stop acting like Ned Beatty in ‘Deliverance’!” He says his “friend” is still keeping up with your blog, even though the “friend” is currently involved in “mastering mind-boggling, medieval, military maneuvers.” Whatever that means.  
  
I hope tomorrow goes better.

Marla McGuire wrote:

don't worry, every1, my bf & i will keep an eye on becks. we had a blast with howard, he's just like becks described him.  
  
by the way, u might have noticed that vicki simone mentioned me in a couple of her comments & u might wonder how we r connected, since i'm liz's age. u c, when i went searching 4 my birth parents back when i wuz 18, i learned that both of my birth 'rents had daughters the same age! becks is my birth dad's kid, and vicks is my birth mom's kid. crazee isn't it? so i've been hanging w/both girls as much as i can. they haven't met yet cuz vicks was living in ottawa, but they've just moved 2 m-boro! vicks is gonna b going 2 school w/becks & apes next month!


	114. August 22,2005

Sometimes when I look at my cousin Laura really fast, I think she's Liz. Laura's got some curl to her hair, but it's not that noticeable when she pulls it in2 a ponytail. NEway, she told me I've turned out 2 B a real "farm girl", which cd sound like an insult depending on how U say it, but the way she said it was meant 2 B nice. I am having fun here this summer, but the horses & other animals R just a small part of it. A BIG part of it is hanging out over @ Steve's farm. Besides learning 2 make cheese & yoghurt, I've had a chance 2 play some cube vid games & watch season 4 of _The Trailer Park Boys_. My mom never lets me watch that show cuz she said those characters set a bad example. Like I'm gonna imitate them just cuz they're on my TV screen. I just saw the one where Ricky eats all his dad's ravioli & blames it on Julian, so Ricky's dad beats on him & poor Julian doesn't know what's going on till Ricky admits his lie. I love that show!


	115. August 22,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

Only have a mo to send a love-out to my hummie Elizabeth (still working on my net lingo w/ U Kedz). Been away from your blog for a while, indeed, been away from everything as I’ve been laid up in the hospital.  
  
So here’s the story:  
  
I guess it wasn’t such a good idea to park in the high school kids makeout lot and wander off and sit beneath a tree that day Howard “went after” you to talk over my problems. Turns out something like a thousand people saw us and most of them knew Thérèse. I never knew she was so popular, but I guess a lot of the Milborough moms secretly support her careering. So after dropping you off (sorry about the feel-up in the car, now that I’ve had time to think about it I realize is was kinda thoughtless, but I was really in the mood after noogieing the living crap outta Howard and seeing you with your hair down) I headed home.  
  
Then headed back to my mom’s because I forgot the kid. Damn, always doing that.  
  
So I headed home again and who was waiting for me but Thérèse and the Vampire-in-Law. They were sitting in the kitchen. The table was covered with crumpled Kleenex, empty wine bottles, and cigarette butts. “What did you do today, _mon mari_?” Four beady French eyes stared at me while I tried to explain that I spent the day at the library.  
  
“Where is your wedding ring, then?”  
  
_Oh crap._  
  
I noticed one second too late that they both had frying pans handy. Pretty soon they were both pounding on me with them, which caused a concussion but it’s not the reason I’m in the hospital. I tried to flee down to the basement, only I tripped and went ass-over down the stairs and broke my hip.  
  
I won’t even describe what they did to me while I was lying there, since you kids read this. They finally stopped when Thérèse grabbed an eight-pound summer squash out of the kitchen and insisted that I experience the “miracle of childbirth.”  
  
They called for an ambulance, eventually, the paramedics cleaned me up and here I am.  
  
So far my only visitor has been your mother, Liz. I told her the whole story and she shook her head. “Two women pounding on a guy with frying pans. If it had just happened to someone else, it would have been funny. Hilarious even. But not to poor sweet Anthony.” She went out to speak to the nurse about getting a sperm count/motility test (For John? I didn’t think she could have any more kids, April?!?) and returned with a delicious tray of strawberry jello. She fed it to me and we played “airplane coming in for a landing” (my favorite!).  
  
“How’s Elizabeth been?” I asked in between mouthfuls.  
  
She loaded up another spoon. “She’s keeping to her herself. Stays in her bedroom playing with her pussy.”  
  
It took your mom a while to get the jello out of her hair and clothes because she couldn’t go to that anniversary party looking like she’d been in a food fight.  
  
Anyway, I’m hoping you’ll visit me soon, Liz. I don’t think you’ll run into Thérèse, she only dropped by once, long enough to stub out a cigarette on my big toe.  
  
Oh, and could you ask Lawrence if anyone’s found a wedding ring at Lakeshore?

Marla McGuire wrote:

I've got an Elly story for u all! I just got hired at the hair salon by the Biergarten, which is next door to Lilliput's, Mrs. P's bookstore. Becky was helping me decorate my booth, & I have to say, she's got an amazing talent 4 decorating. Anyway, when we were done, we decided to go to the Starbucks across the street and have some of those triple-shot lattes that Becky and Apes like so much. Of course, guess who was in line right in front of us, ordering a SKIM MILK (her emphasis) latte and two butter-loaded blueberry-apple muffins? Yup, Elly P. So while she's waiting 4 her order, she goes, "Oh, Becky. So your mother let you out of the house all alone today?" Becks says, "No, Mrs. P. I'm here with my sis, Marla." Points right at me. "Don't be ridiculous, Becky. You're a spoiled only child." "How many times do I have to tell you. . . ." "Make sure you get your coffee with skim milk, young lady. It's never too early to start watching your figure, you know." "Don't worry about it, Mrs. P., I've got it under control", Becky says. "Sure, sure you do. Now, be sure to say hello to your mother for me." "Yeah, okay, Mrs. P", she says, and while Elly is picking up her order we just look at each other & roll our eyes so hard they almost get stuck in our heads.

Michael Patterson wrote:

Gratuitous greetings and superfluous sayings,cyberspace civilians!  
  
Okay, first thing's first: I've been feelign some incredible urges lately - most due to my wife's ongoing migrane, but some do to the filth and lies that I've been reading on this once-beautiful, now beastly blog.  
  
I don't know who came up with the notion taht I would delibretly try to put Liz and anthony back together, but it's jsut flat out wrong. I mean, cheese and rice, it's appalling that someone would even think to accuse me of "hiring" somebody to attack my sister - let alone touch her delicate, yet firm and pert breast - only to have anthony come to her "rescue" in the "nick of time".  
  
Really. I'm far to busy to concieve of and carry out such a horrible manipulative plan. Just ask Dee. [How's your migrane, honey? Can I pick up some aspirin for you, or should I jsut get more baby oil instead?]  
  
Anyway, there are more important things at stake here.  
  
Elizabeth is growing older on a daily basis. We're all aware of how it works in Milborough. One day, you're a kid, happy and carefree; the next, you're 23 going on 72, successful in your career, with a kid or two and a loveless marriage where the spark of desire is so squelched taht it couldn't ignite a gasoline-soaked pile of rags in a tinderbox shed. So you're desined to live out the rest of your life in utter pathos, regretful and miserable. It occurs so much around here, you'd think it was...well, scripted. It needs to stop.  
  
Everybody can see how happy Liz and Anthony are together so...if "fate" in the form of a GLBTG Light Opera actor named Howard should happen to bring them together, who are we to stand in its way? And if somebody's mother were to offer an "insentive" - say, in the form of a two-story house with a large backyard and a creek in a small town near Toronto - to someone to "arrange" a meeting with "fate" then who are we to complain?  
  
So, before everyone goes around pointig fingers and accussing people of "bad" things, I'd advise all of you to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror and remember who the real enemy is: everyone else but a Patterson.  
  
Love,  
Mike   
  
P.S. For the record, I'm gettign better at chess. It took Duncan ten moves to checkmate me last time. And Dee, we all know that Chutes and Ladders requires a bit more skill. At least I haven't been eating the pieces.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
It brings my heart joy to see you and April so into making music and meeting boys. I can remember the carefree days of my youth, when I was into the exact same things.  
  
I know you may scoff Becky, but I can totally believe that Anthony guy’s story that he was beaten up by 2 French women. One of the reasons I was sure he was Elizabeth’s grandfather was that he was so frail. The whole time we were tussling, I was afraid he would snap in half. I still have bruises on my face from where Elizabeth hit me, but not a mark on my ear from Anthony.  
  
A lot about what Elizabeth’s brother Mike wrote confused me. Janacek wrote an opera called “The Fate” but I have never performed it. I couldn’t think of any opera where I played the role of “Fate.” Anyway, it sounds from his letter that he is sure that he is not Lawrence and Nick’s “friend.” So, not to discount yours and April’s detective skills, but maybe it was someone else.


	116. August 23,2005

Oh, God! I just did one of those Patterson things where you take a normal expression & turn in upside down or inside out. Talking to Laura, I'm, like, yeah, I'm surprised I was _homesick_ cuz I'd been _sick of home_. Ew, I didn't even realize I was doing one of those lame not-punchliney things until it was halfway out my mouth! What's wrong with me?  
  
So, yeah, I've enjoyed driving the tractor (race with Steve!) and the fair (Steve won me a teddy bear!), but btw U all & me, spending time with the other grandparents was a bit weird. I'll tell U about them more l8r, Steve & I are gonna go see a movie!


	117. August 23,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Apes, forgive yourself for the pun. At least you realized you made it and were dismayed. Puns have been so deeply ingrained into our psyche that we can't help it. At least you didn't laugh at your pun for a good five minutes, spewing saliva all over with your sticky outtie tounge.  
  
So, last night after Becky and I got back from our Triple shots (I'll let Becky tell you what happened with the hunk and the funny story about hiding from Mom), I went to my room and was working on one of my cute little outfits for Shiimsa. Dad came in to talk to me and saw the dress and the needle and the thread. He got this excited look on his face. He took off like a shot and brought be back a whole box of people, material, buttons, thread and patterns. I sewed most of the night with him excitedly talking about his train plans and telling me the names of his "dolls". Mom sat on the phone talking to someone most of the night. I thought maybe it was Connie. Well, whoever it was seemed to be hysterical. Mom kept saying, "Calm down honey! Calm down! It will all work out the way we want it to. Don't worry." I hope Connie is doing ok cause if it was her something pretty bad had to have happened for her to be sobbing hysterically on the phone to Mom.

Becky McGuire wrote:

ok, the story of the hunk: liz an' i were in the coffee shop drinking our triple shots an' we were both kinda buzzed on caffeine when these 2 guys came over. they were really hott an' were like liz's age. neway, 1 of them started flirting with liz an' the other 1 flirted with me. i wuz just playing it kewl but i knew that the guy thought i wuz liz's age! then liz's guy invited us 2 a party at a frat house that nite. then my guy sed, "don't worry about needing a dd, if u get 2 drunk 2 drive, u can stay over in my room!!!" b4 i could say anything, liz sed, "she's only 14 you pervo!" the guy totally wigged out an' ran outta the coffee shop super fast. we laughed about it the whole way home on liz's motorcycle (which is way sweet).  
  
then we went back 2 the p's place cuz liz wanted me 2 help her with shiimsa's outfits. give her a fashion opinion or something. well we get there an' we're going in the front door when mrs. p sez 2 liz, "oh good ur back frum meeting that becky brat, i don't like u hanging out with her!" she didn't see me yet so i jumped down in2 the bushes an' hid an' listened while mrs. p totally went off about how i'm a bad influence on apes an' how i'm frum the "wrong side of the tracks" an' how my dad is in jail an' how that's a disgrace on the patterson name 2 hang out with me or something. then i heard her rambling on about how i smashed her foot at the b's party an' how now it hurts when it rains just like her sufinkter. (what the hell is a sufinkter anyway?) neway then mrs. p told liz 2 get dinner on the table an' she came out in the yard! i wuz still in the bushes an' had no where 2 run. mrs. p got the hose an' started watering the flowerbeds. i wuz in there like an hour an' got watered on the whole time! liz kept looking out the window at me an' laughing. totally not funny liz!!!  
  
also i think apes is rite ur mom wuz talking 2 mike about how the plan with anthony went awry. that is totally the kind of thing she would get in on remember how she wuz kind of acting like it would be good 4 u 2 get back with anthony awhile back? i think when u broke ur foot apes told me.

Luanne Collins wrote:

If it makes u feel better April, I can totally understand what it's like 2 have an obnoxious older brother. At least ur brother's funny becuz he's flaky. Brad's just a meathead. Toni Daytona will never go out w/him because it looks like parasites live in his eyebrows.  
  
If u, Becki, Marla n Vicki r ever in my town, maybe we could play a practical joke on that b*^#h Tiffany. She thinks she's so kewl because her parents let her get plastic surgery at 14.  
  
Have fun on the farm, April! I wish I could get away from my parents too.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My precious flower April. My computer has been down since like, grad so I haven't been online.  
  
My computer was attacked by a viscous virus. I had a friend come over and fix things and he yelled at me for something about something someone called The C. said. But there is no way I could be The C because I haven't been able to be on the computer in a long time. So I am not The C you see? I suspect that evil knave Jeremy Jones, because he really wants you bad April.   
  
So who is this Steve guy? You've kissed him? There is not way he kisses better than me. I don't mind you stepping out on me because life experience is good. But someday when we're married, I'm going to wipe away any memory of any guy you've kissed with the majesty of my own two lips.  
  
And some ten year old kid really has it bad for you Becky. He said that if I spread ugly rumors about you he'd break my rear end into multiple fractions then convert them into decmil points and divide that by my I.Q.

Becky McGuire wrote:

omg too many people post 2 this blog witch is kewl but its so hard 2 keep up!  
  
liz don't worry i bought this thing called "bun eezz" that puts your hair in a bun it's kind of like a topsy-tail except 4 buns. trust me i know about your moms attitude about long hair especially curly hair one time when i was over 4 dinner she told me, "i can't believe ur mother lets u run around like that with ur hair all down its' a disgrace. an' why hasn't she had your hair straightened doesn't she know only whores and theater folk have curly hair?" (sorry howard but i think she ment 2 slam actors there)  
  
gerald yes i know jason fox is a new pal of mine he is gonna tutor me in math but i don't think he has a crush on me he made me pinky swear that i wouldn't "get mushy on him like eileen."  
  
an' i bet u were 2 The C cuz ur sex moves are way lame. i saw u behind the gym at the dance remember? i couldn't believe apes fell 4 those lame moves. an' she sez u kiss like a dead trout.  
  
apes, u should def kiss steve. he sounds HOTTTT! i wish i had some1 hott 2 kiss. oh well i'm on a break frum boys anyway after jeffo i think i need 2 take at least a year 2 get my head on strait again he really messed me up bad about guys.


	118. August 24,2005

4 the record, peeps I have NOT been kissing Aunt Bev & Unk Danny's computer screen when I read Gerald's e-mails. I haven't done NEthing that lame since grade 6 when Gerald first kissed me. But I admit I have missed him. At least I do while I'm reading the e-mail I've gotten from him every day that I've been here. Tho seeing Steve around has helped me take my mind off all that the rest of the time. And since I thought it was OK with Ger b/c of his comment 2 my last post, I let Steve kiss me 2day. Whoo, boy knows how 2 kiss. Sorry, Ger, I didn't see your follow-up comment until after.

So, b4 I fill U in about the Patterson grandparents, I just wanted 2 mention something else about the whole "Patterson is a 2nd-rate Richards" theory. If you wanted to find out something about Will and Carrie Patterson, parents of John Patterson, wouldn't you expect 2 B able to look them up at a website called "Meet the Pattersons"? Instead of having them show up in some general "Who's Who" site that features non-Pattersons like Candace and Weed? And Kortney? And wouldn't you be surprised 2 find that the "Patterson" page has Jim and Iris Richards? But U wouldn't be so surprised by all that if you just kept in your head that a Patterson is nothing but a 2nd-rate Richards. Then it all makes perfect sense!

NE way, I got 2 spend a bunch of time w/the Patterson grandparents, and, yeah, it was kinda weird. First there's Grandpa Will's rock collecting. Now I can sort of understand Dad's choo-choo crazees a bit better. U C, G'pa Will doesn't just collect rocks. He takes them home, names them, paints faces on them, and then gets G'ma Carrie 2 make little "rock" outfits. Or, if an unsuspect g'daughter happens 2 B in town? Yeah, U guessed it. Outfit duty. Oh, & he kept asking me if I love him better than I love Grampa Jim. The heck?

Then there's G'ma Carrie. Apparently, about 20 years ago, Grandma Marian, who died six years ago, dissed her at some bakery. Carrie was buying a special cake for a celebration, and Marian got all up her butt about how Pattersons have no taste in anything, least of all cakes, and she should leave the bakery selections to a sensible Richards (= Grandma Marian). Then, they got in2 some ugly argument like "your son's not good enough for my daughter", and "wait, no, your daughter's not good enough for my son" & so on. God, I just wanted to disappear when she was going on & on about all this. Memo: this was 20 yrs ago. Marian's dead.

By the way, Liz & I were talking on the phone last night, and she told me that she & Shiimsa were looking through some old photo albums. There were some pics of Liz when she first got her ears pierced. Liz had forgotten all about it, but now she remembers that she'd been so excited about the piercings, but Mom and Dad both managed to make her feel bad in their own way. Good times, right Liz?

NEway, I'll B home pretty soon!


	119. August 24,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

wow where 2 start? first i m so glad u were not kissing the computer screen cuz that is so lame. second i m so glad u kissed steve!!! that's awesome. did u guys use tongues like u did with ger?  
  
third i can't believe how many of ur family members make u sew outfits 4 their hobby. ur dad an' liz an' now grandpa will. pattersons are weird. but there is an upside i bet u will be talented enuff now 2 sew awesome clothes an' u could sew some of the outfits ur mom won't let u buy becuz they are "too slutty." (whatever)  
  
that thing about ur grandmas fighting...i kinda remember ur mom talking about that one time when i wuz over ur house eating barf casserole. i remember ur mom saying something like, "a richards would never buy a cake storebought cakes r a sign of homemaking patterson women r good 4 nothing when it comes 2 womanly arts!" i remember it word 4 word cuz it wuz so weird. what's buying cakes got 2 do with being a slut? weird.  
  
(ok i looked it up an' slut can also mean slovenly an' i looked that up too an' slovenly means untidy or slipshod which means careless so i guess it means that ur grandma p is a careless housekeeper. how come ur mom didn't just say that? she's so weird. anyway i guess u learn something new every day.)  
  
looked at the old pics in liz's album an' read where she wrote about what ur parents sed an i have 1 question--were they ever nice 2 u guys???  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky and April,  
  
Thanks for the advice about Duncan’s lawyer. He says he is busy with a divorce case right now and besides he cannot really do anything about an arrest that might happen from charges that might be filed. Lawrence tells me I do not need to worry about such things, and that he will make sure that I am properly taken care of. That’s a relief.  
  
I do have some good news. My car showed up today with a little note on it that said, “Sorry for borrowing the car so long. I still think you’re cute.” It had a few dents in it, and some strange stains in the back seat, but it still runs fine.  
  
More good news. Lawrence came by and told me that I would not need to fake-fight this Gerald guy. His “friend” had gotten a report from his “kissing cousin who collected computer confirmation” or maybe it was “colluding cousin who confirmed computer kissing.” I forget. These alliterations make my head hurt. The long and short of it is that his “friend” considers everything to be going according to whatever the “friend’s” plan is, so I don’t need to do anything with this Gerald guy. 

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My beloved April,  
  
I would never, ever try to trick myself into any activity that might compromise her virtue. Of course, if you want to voluntarily surrender your virtue to me, I will treasure it like the precious jewel it is.  
  
And I would never try anything so crass as a fake "going after" in order to win your love. I am like a white knight on a silver steed every day of the week, for I am noble and true of heart, and I shall woo thee in a pure and forthright manner.  
  
When you come home, I would like to invite you over to my home. I will have the cook prepare succulent treats to tempt your palate. My mother was a Home Ec major and she knows many gourmet recipes. I was thinking of Coq au Vin, roasted new potatoes with dill, and asparagus tips for dinner. This would of course be followed by Cherries Jubilee for dessert, which is served flaming, which is symbolic of my love for you. Naturally, we will partake of sparkling cider of the finest vintage that the Laidlaw cellars have to offer.  
  
I await your return with bated breath. I will meet you at the train station my love, with a single red rose as a token of my affection. (I know you are flying home, but I think a train station makes a more romantic image, don't you?)  
  
Your patient and devoted lover

Becky McGuire wrote:

if you have to ask, you won't understand"  
  
you stupid old fool  
you'll never understand  
guess i'll have to school  
you with the back of my hand!  
  
you're never gonna get it  
why should i waste my time  
trying to put an explanation  
into this song in rhyme--?  
  
if you were clever  
i wouldn't have to spell it out  
but it's you however  
so i'll use small words   
so there won't be any doubt!  
  
i'll take on the task  
and make it clear as i can  
if you have to ask  
you'll never understand  
  
\--becky mcguire  
  
it's so not my best work. i wuz kinda pissed when i wrote it an' i think that kinda shows.  
  
i'm not sure ger is gonna get it. it's not like the song comes strait out an' sez, "ger, it's creepy 2 hit on your gf with moves that haven't been considered kewl since the 19th century."


	120. August 25,2005

That's me, Guitar Girl! I must say, after Steve & I jammed on guitars @ his house, I was really in2 playing again. Aunt Bev has this theory that if a teenager is enthusiastic abt something that is harmless & legal that adults shd encourage it. So she ran out & had their old guitar restrung. So I've played a lot this summer & it's been fun. I don't think I'm super-good or NEthing, tho I play OK. Laura sez lots of ppl come over just 2 hear me play, but I couldn't help noticing that a lot of the time, when they stop by 4 my music, they also happen 2 have a big helping of pie or mashed potatoes, or borrow something from Unk Danny, so who knows their real reasons, right? So, NEway, I was talking 2 Laura abt how there's not much pt in it all if I'm nev gonna be a professional musician, and then she got this big lectury voice. Just a second b4 that she was talking 2 me like an equal. Sheesh. Whatevs, U know?


	121. August 25,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

April,  
  
I think the ponytail looks great. Don't grow up too soon! Growing up just leads to tragic marriages and burdensome obligations and difficult moral choices that could lead to you losing your house and your standing as a professional accountant.  
  
Still in the hospital. Had a long phone conversation with Liz. Said she wouldn't marry me if I were the last man on Earth but I've seen enough episodes of Twilight Zone to know that when a woman talks that way she'll usually end up with him.  
  
You won't believe what the nurse just had me do. Said it was part of the physical therapy. Luckily the nurse gave me a copy of a book called _The Big 5-0_ to "help things along."  
  
Your Mom said she had an errand to run here tomorrow so I hope she visits.

Marla McGuire wrote:

Apes, you look way better without the ponytail. Becks told me you're thinking of getting a new 'do. Feel free to stop by the shop (if you think your mom won't freak too badly--I know she's 2 doors down).

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I am glad you are thinking about changing your hairstyle. My opinion is that ladies should always be trying something new with their appearance. You don’t want to look like a frumpy school teacher with your hair in a bun all the time, like some fashion-dead member of your family, whom we both know. As for myself, I never wear the same wig more than once in a month. Of course, I am not counting when I do operatic roles for the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera, where it is important to keep the same hair each performance for the character. Anyway, you should definitely take up this Marla person on her offer to do your hair when you get back to town. You don’t want your father’s train set dolls to be the most fashionable members of your family, do you?

By the by,Becky, I found a recording of the song you did at your grad on a website. You have quite a lovely alto voice. Was that song your own composition?

Becky McGuire wrote:

man i slept in 2day cuz mom had a wild party last nite an' look what i missed! i'm way bhind.  
  
ok, first thing--HOWARD! don't take any more plot jobs frum lawrence for his friend! don't wack or hurt nething! just tell him 'no thanks.' i m worried cuz u r still way 2 trusting.  
  
apes, i think wearing the hair down at school is a good start, but u should really get a whole new haircut. u have such a cute face u would look really good in a short pixie haircut or something kewl like that. the ponytail iz lame but we all know ur mom thinks that's the proper style for "a kid" hello ur a woman now doesn't she know u started ur period 2 years ago?  
  
liz u need 2 call gary an' let him know that your ex is the 1 trying 2 sabotage ur job. i bet it wuz anthony who called an' pretended 2 b u cuz his voice isn't all that low 2 start with so he could easily sound like a girl.  
  
marla i think i'm gonna keep my hair like this i talked 2 some agents last week an' even tho i don't have 1 yet, most of them sed 2 keep my real name an' that the curly hair wuz HOTT! so i guess i'm leaving it but i'm keeping the icon cuz i could prolly style it like that if i tried.  
  
jason thanx 4 posting that stuff i know it was prolly a kind of a gross job 4 u since u don't like girls an' most of that stuff was about girls an' sex. but u r a real friend. i m glad u will be tutoring me in algebra cuz u really know ur stuff.  
  
ger i don't have anything 2 say 2 u at all. ever again. u suck donkey balls.  
  
an' lastly--how come dee got married if she hates sex?

PS - omg apes there wuz so much 2 write about that i forgot the most important thing.  
  
u have tons of talent. u could be in a professional band cuz u r a great guitar player. the thing is, i just don't want 2 be in a band. i want 2 be able 2 do my own thing an' have all the control cuz ger and dunc were pretty mean about not wanting 2 let me have a say in how we did things.   
  
i wuz really nervous about telling u guyz that i didn't want 2 be in the band anymore an' so i put it off an' put it off an' then i thought, why not surprise them at grad? an' i wuz so nervous 2 talk 2 u afterwards that i think it came out pretty mean. i just didn't know how 2 b forceful enough without sounding like a total bitch an' so i did. i know i sounded super mean then.  
  
but that doesn't mean u ren't a great guitar player an' i hope u don't think i wuz trying 2 say that. (actually i wuz trying 2 tell dunc an' ger they aren't that good cuz they ren't! an' i think u know that but wouldn't say cuz ger is your bf) but u r good an' i hope when i start performing an' cutting records that u will perform with me sometimes if u want 2 when i need a guitarist.  
  
plz don't sell urself short just cuz ur dad is down on musicians. hey wait a minute isn't ur uncle phil a professional musician? an' isn't he married an' happy an' stuff? wtf is wrong with ur dad? did uncle phil get mentioned in that long lecture about musicians that ur dad gave u apes?

PPS - yeah howie i wrote that song. i'm glad u liked it. i actually wuz nervous about it cuz i didn't think it wuz one of my best. but i got a lot of compliments so i guess it wuz good. compliments frum real artists like u an' apes mean the most 2 me tho cuz u know what ur talking about. thanx.

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

I got home from work and found a note from Mom about what to cook for dinner. I am making the dreaded Patterson special pie.  
  
1 jar (12 oz.) pork gravy  
1/4 cup honey mustard  
1 can (15 oz.) mixed vegetables,   
2 cups cooked hot dogs  
1/4 tsp. dried thyme leaves  
1 medium tart apple, peeled, seeded, and chopped  
1 small onion, chopped  
1 sheet puff pastry dough  
1 large egg, beaten  
Preheat oven to 375 F.  
In a large bowl, whisk together the gravy and honey mustard. Add Veg-All, hot dogs, thyme, apple, and onion. Toss to coat. Transfer mixture to a greased 10-inch pie plate.  
Roll out puff pastry dough to fit pie plate. Brush egg around rim of plate. Place puff pastry over mixture and press edges to seal. Trim edges. Cut 3-4 slits in top for venting.  
Bake 50-60 minutes or until golden brown.


	122. August 26,2005

Ger & I had a long, long talk on the phone. He was crying & asked me not 2 kiss Steve again. I said I wdn't. For one thing, I only did it cuz I felt like Ger almost pushed me 2. Besides, Steve lives all the way out here in Winni, & I do need 2 get on w/my M-boro life soon. I do miss my bf, peeps, even if he does overdo the "smooth" thing.


	123. August 26,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

April,  
  
Since you're so into spirituality these days, let me just say "God Bless Elly Patterson." She stopped by the hospital today and brought my laptop, so I can finally start getting caught up. These pain meds are making me all whoozy and I need a break from shuffling cashola and your url is easy to remember.   
  
Good thing I'm stuck in a hospital bed because there's so much to do. Lawrence just got in a new shipment of "South American Exotics" and I have to arrange distribution funding. Then there's the all the money for parts (plus new odometers) and labor for the non-conventional storage modifications to the "q-list" trucks that has to look like fleet sales upgrades. Then there's a backlog of cash to go into the restaurant; I'm glad no one's noticed that a diner with cobwebs over the fryer and a non-functioning orange juice dispenser is making C$750,000 a year. Not busy enough, Anthony? Gordo says "The Roadside," his strip joint/gentleman's club/entertainment lounge out on 12 is doing so well he wants to open another one ("The Gig") and you wouldn't believe the paperwork and "supplemental permissions." Everyone in this feckin' town (pardon my French, April) has a hand out. Mibor is so dirty a tornado wouldn't clean it.  
  
Oh, your Mom was really chipper this morning, something about some kind of results (another clean mammogram?) so that's some good news for ya anyway. Having trouble typing now maybe they screwed up my dosage again gotta log off and get some shuteye.

April Patterson wrote:

ger, i'm glad we r 2gether, but pls keep yr "endearments" 4 when we r face-2-face! y'know, um, 2 keep 'em more "special".  
  
becks, i didn't get 2 respond 2 yr posts last nite. soundz like u had such a scary nite! when i'm back we r gonna go 2 the mall & do some totally girly mindless stuff. shopping, bad food, movies, trashy mags, & everything. i'm glad brad l. helped w/yr mom & that she keeps her promise 2 u.  
  
howard, i m so sorry 2 hear about losing yr job & getting kicked out of that opera. becks & i will totally c what we can think of 2 help u out.  
  
duncan, i'm so glad u r done w/reading to the olds (becky told me via text). hope the court date goes ok. becky, that's really cube of u 2 help out.  
  
peeps, anthony sez mom seemed happy abt something going well. i kno she had a mamm-gram last yr, so i doubt it's that. besides, even when that goes well, she spends the day grumbling abt how much her boobs hurt fr. being squooshed in the machine. so now i'm worried abt what she must b up 2. ne1 got ne cluez?

Becky McGuire wrote:

so gordo is prolly a crook i can't say i'm surprised since he's one of mike's many shady friends. apes why does ur mom think he's so perfect again? i can never remember what her stupid reasons r. god an' she thinks i'm so terrible.  
  
it cracks me up when u pull that dorky shit on ur relatives. they're such big foobs it's like ur trying 2 convince them you're just like them so they won't catch on that ur not one of their little patterson clones. sometimes u really rock, apes! 4 some reason nothing makes me laugh as hard as someone tricking ur stupid mom.  
  
i remember that dictionary thing that wuz good times! remember how ur mom caught us an' started screeching about me teaching u cuss words when it wuz really mike who did it. he wuz kinda kewl when he wuz in college why did he turn in2 such a total foob? maybe cuz he married deanna an' she's just like ur mom, only not ugly (tho her fish lips r freaky 2 bad merry inherited them huh?).  
  
speaking of ugly ur sis showed me a pic of ur dead grandma the other day (wish i knew how 2 link 2 it) an' man i can see where ur mom gets her "unfortunate" looks frum! if this is any hint ur mom is gonna get super ugly as she gets older. that pic actually scared me i jumped out of my seat a little! i m real worried 4 u an' liz cuz liz showed me pics of ur mom when she wuz younger an' she was no babe but she wuz kinda pretty she looked a little like liz only plain. i hope u guys don't turn super ug when u get old! oh well by then we will prolly b able 2 get plastic surgery in 5 minutes no big deal like fast food or something. especially since ur mom's nose has also grown like 5x as big over the years that wld be bad.   
  
altho who knows about u apes u don't look like neone in ur family. sometimes i wonder if ur mom had a secret affair with the mailman or something. (like, who has brown hair?) u weren't that cute when u were a little kid (maybe it wuz the bowl cut?) but now i think ur pretty cute. sorry i gave u that low score on looks i was being a real bitch that day. i had my period an' i was really raggin' that whole week actually. what can i say, sometimes i am just like a stereotypical nasty teenager. sorry u have 2 put up with that.  
  
as for dunc i don't know i m just not as mad as i was. he has some good qualities 2 but i don't know if we can be good friends nemore. he spreads rumors about me an' pervs on me an' i just need some time away frum him. good thing i'm outta the band huh?  
  
neway i called uncle ralph an' uncle mark bright an' early an' uncle ralph sed that howard should call him 2 schedule a job interview asap. the number is 232-6463. my uncle sed he cldn't promise nething but that he'd see what he could do. he especially liked the idea of sticking it 2 lawrence by hiring u cuz he does the electric work out at lawrence's place (they're all part of the GLBTU small business club) an' he thinks it wld be way funny 2 take u with him when he goes out there 2 upgrade the wiring next month. that is if u seem like u wld be a good apprentice 4 him. he also sed 2 tell u that if u get hired he can get u in the union which means good benefits. i think that's a good sign don't u?  
  
back 2 ur mom apes i bet she has some other plan 4 hooking liz up with anthony. that's my guess.  
  
well i'm stuck home 2day nursing mom she has a nasty shiner. i poured all her booze down the sink this morning an' i'm not sure what will happen when she finds out.

apes c how i figure it is that sex is a big deal 4 teenagers so we shld try 2 learn whatever we can so we can make good choices if i had known more about guys (like what howie sed) i wld never have ended up with jeff. maybe if liz wuz more open abt her experiences with eric--?? u wld get an education that will keep u out of trouble. ur bf is gonna b a horndog cuz that's what teenage guyz r like so u shld know how 2 deal with it. i will bring over my glamour and cosmo magazines cuz they have lots of good tips about how guys think about sex stuff.  
  
liz, u can really b a mental case sometimes. one day ur calling ur mom an' dee prudes an' laughing about how they hate sex, next day ur saying it's all an act. all i m saying is, pick a side. u don't make ne sense.  
  
i think what's going on here is that u don't like 2 admit u come frum such a repressed family. u r "freer" with ur sexuality then they r an' since u know they r so judgmental an' u have this secret urge 2 b a perfect patterson u fool urself in2 thinking they're just like u--quiet on the outside, wild on the inside. guess what liz? it's ok 2 like sex even if ur mom an' dee r just frigid thru an' thru.  
  
when u called me naive i just died laughing. i see all kinds of shit every day that u can't even imagine an' what's ur life like? sometimes i wonder if u really are the first illterate teacher do u even read my posts? i fight off mom's boyfriends an' go visit dad in jail every week an' hold my sis marjee's hand when she gets accidentally preggers. u grew up a patterson an' then u went away 2 the perfect little native village in the north with no trouble or cares an' u still come home 2 live with ur parents every summer u can't get more sheltered then that! no wonder u thought howie wuz not trying 2 do anything bad 2 u despite the big flashing signs! an' when he did "attack" u, u needed a man 2 save u all u cld do wuz screech like a girl an' slap him so woosy it didn't even hurt. when i needed 2 defend my mom i knew how 2 be tough an' act like a man. oh yeah, i'm so naive. whatever.  
  
u know i think u r pretty cube sometimes liz but then u turn around an' start saying shit that makes no sense an' is actually really mean an' condescending 2 me an' i really wonder if u don't have a split personality or something. it's like when i don't act as proper as u want me 2, u get all pissy with me an' treat me like i'm some slutty dumb kid. i don't want 2 fight with u liz just try 2 treat me with some respect. sorry i wuz curious about ur sex life u keep dropping hints like u wldn't mind talking about it. sheesh.  
  
i wanted 2 put this last apes cuz i know this is a super-long post an' i don't want it 2 get lost. u know i don't like ger. i think u r 2 good 4 him. an' he is an ass 2 me. but if ur all hot 4 his bod, i will do my best not 2 let it come between us. i hope u will ask ger 2 do the same cuz i get the feeling he would like 2 convince u 2 dump me.

Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes, gr8 day! The judge threw out my charges 'cos Officer Luggsworth violated my charter rights. The judge yelled an' yelled @ Lug 'til his face went all purple. Then the judge said something 2 me but I dont no what 'cos I had an allergy attack an' my eyes were watering 2 much 2 listen. My lawyer told my 'rents 2 sue Lug an' the Mboro police but my 'rents say no way 'cos they dont want 2 b pulled over every day an' b given bogus tickets. So my lawyer said 2 come an' c him when Im 18 an' I can sue them myself an' I dont care if they h8 me 'cos Ill be living in TO neway. So I dont hafta go live in a group home 4 young offenders an' go 2 a special young offender school an' Ill get a lot of $ someday after I sue. My lawyer is so cube! My 'rents arent cube, tho. They say I hafta write letters of apology. My lawyer said ok after he argued with my 'rents, but he says I hafta use his "template." Here it is:  
  
Dear Ms./Mrs./Miss/Ms/Mme/Mlle Whoever:  
  
On a strictly without prejudice basis, and without admitting but expressly denying any liability for any cause or causes of action that you have, may have, may have had, or may in future have against me, I regret any inconvenience that I caused or may have caused you, whether intentionally (which is not admitted but expressly denied,) or unintentionally.


	124. August 27,2005

A horse whispers from both ends? Mmkay. Hey, I like a good fart joke as much as the next person, and they beat the bad puns NE day, but Grandpa Will, it has to make sense! You shoulda heard Laura groan when he said this. So, Unk Danny & Laura are saying I've got this way-special gift w/animals, like The Horse Whisperer, 'cept I'm not all old & wrinkly like Robert Redford. Well, this is all nice 2 hear, U know? But keep in mind that Aunt Bev is a veterinarian, and she knows that on my official bio, I say I might want to study veterinary medicine @ uni 1 of these days. So they're all in2 encouraging that. But the thing is, when Mom made me fill in that questionnaire, I was kinda like, "Oh, I dunno", & I looked over @ the pets & thought, "Well, I like animals, so I might as well write that". Of course, the 1st thing I have listed in that "aspirations" section is to be in a successful band someday. So also they might B trying 2 steer me away fr. that. Who knows?

Well, I haven't even had a time to catch up with the comments for my last post, so I'm gonna do that after I publish this 1. I'll B xtra careful not 2 smudge the monitor in NE way, else Laura will accuse me of kissing the screen again.


	125. August 27,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

yeah apes, it sounds 2 me like ur just scared 2 let ur rents know u r interested in being a professional musician. who can blame u? they're so negative, always putting it down. if u want 2 hide it from them that's kewl but just be true 2 ur dreams. u can be a musician an' have a dog, u know! :)  
  
ur relatives r really gross it's funny sometimes they're all prudy but they think it's ok to be gross like that so long as a patterson or a richards does it.  
  
ok gotta go prolly 4 the rest of the day. i m going 2 interview 4 a new gig. i'll give more info later if i get it.  
  
ttfn

Duncan Anderson wrote:

Apes, u r a gr8 musician. MC DunC wants u in his band.  
  
I havent had time 2 play my bass all summer what with the oldies an' my court case but Ill tune it 2day an' bring it 2 yr place 2morrow so we can jam. OK, my dad says I halfta bring my bass 2morrow 'cos he wants us 2 B loud 'cos hes sick of listening 2 yr dad obsessing over some old comic strip that isnt even funny.  
  
p.s. Beckers, u r right about Apes relatives they r gross. My 'rents were grossed out by Mikes August letter an' said I couldnt read it. I read it neway. I didnt get the "pork fart" joke.


	126. August 28,2005

Isn't it weird how one moment my mom will be attending a big anniversary party, and in another moment, my dad will be sitting around, reading the funnies, and talking about how much he loves reading _Blondie_? & he _feels_ as thought he knows "these people"? It's enough 2 make your head explode. Next thing you know, you'll read a _Blondie_ strip where the Bumsteads are reading a strip about us, and they just adore it, except they hate how those blasted Pattersons always seem to be laughing with their tongues hanging out, or making hideous puns. If my dad had his way, the funnies would totally be replaced by the punnies. Well, some days, I guess they pretty much are, NEway.  
  
Well, you know, it must be pretty weird having a strip based on yr life. Blondie told my mom it can be pretty stressful.  
  
Gotta fly, peeps, cuz I have 2 do some back-2-school shopping. Since we have 2 wear uniforms this year, Becks & I wanna buy some hott accessories 2 help us stand out.


	127. August 28,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Last night, I saw something at the Yonge Street bar where I work as the bouncer that I thought you needed to know. While I was working, I heard the noise of 2 women fighting who had those kinds of sounds to their voices that I knew could escalate into something more serious. As I approached the noise, I saw a young blonde lady who had clearly been overdoing the collagen lip injections. Her lips were so big; they were flapping every time she moved her head, more so when she talked. The other lady I recognized immediately as your sister Elizabeth. This freaked me out, so I hid myself behind the bar where she couldn’t see me.  
  
Anyway, the lip lady was yelling at Elizabeth for something about how she had been home all summer and had not come once to visit Robin Hood and his Merry Men. I could have that part wrong. When you have big lips like that, it messes up your enunciation. Then Elizabeth yelled about how she was attacked and expected them to visit her. Then the lip lady shouted about how they were too busy with dealing drugs at some nude beach. Then Elizabeth jumped in with what I took to be some sort of prepared speech, because she called it “10 Ways Why A Cat Is Better Than A Patterson.” I didn’t catch all of it, but it ended with “A cat doesn’t care more about a burnt casserole butt than its daughter. A cat will visit its sister in Milborough, if its sister has been attacked.” Then Elizabeth burst into tears and ran out of the bar. The lip lady started crying too, and it was kind of scary to see her lips move around like they had a life of their own.  
  
Behind the bar, it was kind of hard to hear all this clearly. I just mention it so that you can ask Elizabeth about it, and maybe get her side of the story, if she feels up to it.

April Patterson wrote:

howard, that blonde u saw is our brother mike's wife dee. their kids r merrie (girl) & robin (boy). liz wuz planning 2 go visit them this summer, but thingz haven't gone as she expected. as 4 the "drug dealing", dee is a pharmacist. as a joke she sumtymz refers 2 that as "drug dealing". it alwayz makes mike laff w/his tongue out. the "nude beach" thing is a joke abt merrie taking off her fancy new clothes @ the beach.  
  
i will ask liz abt the incident w/dee.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Greetings to all,  
  
I have something to confess. I have been doing something bad since I was on this blog the last time, and I think I'd better get it out in the open before someone else tells April about it.  
  
All of the talk about that new bar "The Gig" got me very curious about it. I went over to Dunc's house and asked him if he'd like to go with me to check it out. I was surprised at how fast he agreed. We hitched a ride down there and found out that they were holding auditions for new dancers.  
  
The bouncer told us that for "a C note," we could buy two fake IDs and watch the auditions. I didn't know what that meant, but Dunc whipped out a crisp $100 bill and suddenly, we were inside. A waitress came to take our drink order. I was shocked to see she was topless! Dunc told me to "get with the program" and ordered us each something called a "Long Island iced tea." I told him I thought it was a good plan for us not to try to get beer because we still needed to hitch home later, but he told me to shut up.  
  
So we drank our iced tea and watched the auditions. Everything seems to blur together after that, so I will try to keep it all straight, but it's hard. Dunc says I had my mouth open through all the auditions. That's probably true. I never saw anything like that before. I couldn't tell whether I thought it was really cool or really gross. Maybe some of both.  
  
Dunc didn't seem too surprised though. He would yell encouragement to some of the girls, about their body parts or about a particular move they did. Some of the girls seemed to know him. They called him "MC Dunc." One of the girls turned out to be that Kortney girl who was so mean to my April. She came over and she and Dunc started making out right in front of me. That grossed me out, so I got up and tried to leave. I had some trouble walking, though, so I sat back down and waited for them to finish. I suspect those iced teas were spiked because I felt quite woozy.  
  
After that, Dunc and Kortney wanted to leave. We went out to Kortney's car, and she said that she would drive us back to Milborough. Since I could tell that Dunc and Kortney were sweet on each other, I offered to let him sit up front with her. To my surprise, Dunc told me to "get in the front seat and shut up." So I did. Then Kortney got into the back seat too, and I was confused. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was going to "see if what they say about black men is true." I didn't really know what she was talking about, so I just decided to wait patiently.  
  
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was waking up on the front lawn of my parents' house, and it was nighttime. I don't know how long I was laying there, but it must have been awhile because the grass was mashed down real good. I went inside to try to go to bed, but my dad stopped me. He wanted to know why I was so late getting back from learning accounting with Mr. Caine--that was what I told him I was going to go do. I told him that I learned about the importance of "leveraging your assets," which was something Mr. Shackelford kept telling the girls who were auditioning for him. That seemed to satisfy him, and so I went upstairs and went to sleep. I only just woke up like an hour ago. I'm almost positive those iced teas had beer in them or something.  
  
April, I am telling you this because I don't want anyone else to spill the beans on me. I was just curious about that club. Mr. Caine made it sound so interesting. I had no idea how depraved it was. I never thought I'd see a girl do things like that until our wedding night, my precious pumpkin.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

wow, i guess this will mean bye bye gerald! apes will dump u 4 sure now!  
  
ok the ball gown thing is solved cuz marla an' vicki took me 2 a secondhand store an' we found a ball gown with long sleeves an' a floor-length skirt an' a high turtleneck-like collar. it's navy blue so it looks real "sedate" an' "matronly." that's what the saleslady sed mrs. worth would like i guess mrs. worth shops there a lot so that's a good sign.  
  
while we were there mrs. p popped in she wuz returning the ball gown that she wore 2 the bumstead's party! she had left the tags on it so she cld return it after what a cheapskate! the saleslady didn't want 2 take it back cuz there wuz a big ol' stain on it. at first she wuz really throwing a fit but then she saw me an' marjee an' vicks an' she got that fakey smile on her face. she came over an' started 2 talk 2 us.  
  
"hello becky i didn't know u were so culturally aware as 2 be friends with such nice little native girlz!" she sed. i sed, "this is my half-sis marla an' her half-sis vicki." mrs. p sed, "stop talking nonsense becky ne fool can c these girls r natives! won't u translate 4 me so i can greet them properly?" i wuz so tired from stupid conversations from the day be4 that i just paid 4 the dress an' we left. so now ur mom is prolly real pissed at me, apes.  
  
howie i m glad that ur jobs seem like they r working out. sorry i didn't talk abt that yesterday. it just suddenly seemed like the whole world revolved around mrs. worth an' it took me awhile 2 shake that off. don't worry about the suit mrs. worth called 2day an' told me she wld purchase one 4 me as a gift. i tried 2 beg off but she insisted so i m going suit shopping with mrs. worth next week. ugh.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I read your post and I’m coming over in a few minutes. I just have to gather together my gowns and wigs and some music. You have a keyboard, right? I am really looking forward to introducing you to opera. I am also glad you found a dress. However, I must admit I am distressed at the thought of you shopping with Mary Worth. Please be careful. Before I see you, there is something I desperately need to get your opinion on. You are my buddy, and I trust you to tell me the truth.  
  
I just got off from working at “The Gig” with your uncle Ralph and once again another strange thing happened with Kortney Krelbutz. Ralph and I were taking our lunch break, when Kortney came over to us and said, “Howard Kelpfroth. I’ve learned all sorts of things about you since our little talk yesterday.” Ralph barked out, “Kortney, leave Howard alone.” Kortney was cool as a cucumber sandwich, and said, “Give it a rest, Ralph. Howard is a big boy. If anything, I should be nervous around him.” Ralph just glared, and Kortney went on, “Howard, I heard that you attacked a Patterson, and I like any man who attacks a Patterson. Not only that, but I think you are going to get away with it. Pattersons never press charges. I know that firsthand.” At this point, Kortney puts her hair up into a bun and scrunches up her nose and says, “That our former employee had to suffer the indignities of fingerprinting and a police record is enough punishment. I doubt she'll be able to get a job in our insular community.” Kortney went on, “The rumor is that you even have that brat April Patterson believing you are a naïve innocent gay man. I’ve heard you are an actor, Howard, and you must be awfully good to fool April. But you don’t fool me. People think I’m a thief, but the real truth is that when I see something I like I take it.” At this point, Kortney moved faster than I could react, and once again that tongue of hers was sticking in that part of my body that shouldn’t have tongues in it. She looked at me somewhat expectantly, and then walked off saying, “You’re mine Howard. You just don’t know it yet.”  
  
As she was leaving, Ralph said to me, “Sorry, Howard. You’re kind of new to Milborough. After awhile you’ll get used to that kind of behaviour.” I said, “What are you talking about?” Ralph said, “This is going to sound kind of strange, but for some reason the straight men in Milborough have the strength sapped out of them. You saw that guy Anthony. He’s only 24 years old. But, gay men are immune. If a woman in this town wants kids, she has to marry her childhood sweetheart.” I responded, “It doesn’t affect gay guys?” Ralph said, “The whole community relies on gay men for heavy labor and if the older single women want to look good at a social occasion or a wedding, they have to use a gay guy.” I said, “So what is this thing about the tongues? Aside from Kortney, Becky’s mom used one on me last night.” Ralph said, “This is going to sound even stranger. That tongue thing is supposed to convert you from being gay to being straight.” I laughed out loud, until I realized that Ralph was serious. “There is a well-known lady in Milborough who used that method to convert her gay friend. As the story goes, she was standing close to him, when he made a particularly funny pun. While she was laughing, her tongue accidentally slipped into that same spot where Kortney just stuck hers. The next thing you know they are married and making babies.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Her tongue stuck out while she was laughing! Who does that?” Ralph said, “I know the lady and I’ve seen it happen.” Ralph continued on, “When I was younger, the Milborough girls were sticking me with their tongue all the time. Now that I’m older, it doesn’t happen as much. I also make it a point to never do electrical work in retirement homes. Sorry, Howard, but it is just a fact of life for a Milborough gay man.”  
  


April Patterson wrote:

ok, ger, so that explainz y dunc wuz acting so funny when he & his dad came by 2day. his dad & my dad were playin' their choo-choo gamez & dunc & i were jamming, but dunc kept messing up his bass part. he looked really tired & i asked him if he wuz ok. he sed, "better than yr bf prolly is today", but wdn't tell me what he meant. 'cept he sed "gerald's so stoopid he duzn't know a long island iced tea has alcohol in it!"  
  
he didn't tell me nething abt kortney. i guess he knew i'd b grossed out. ew, dunc.  
  
ger, i think what u did was stupid & u r lucky u got home ok. i'm not mad, but i think u need 2 b careful.  
  
becky, i m going 2 try 2 sneak out & see the garage opera. my mom is watching some boring old documentary, so she mite not notice. oh, & i 4got 2 answer u abt the harp. i've nev. played harp b4, but our neighbour carol enjo has 1 & she sed she'd teach me how 2 play. isn't that cube?  
  
also, now i know why my mom made sum weird comment abt how it was nice that u tried 2 b friendz w/"nice native girls" but u were taking it so seriously u thought u were related 2 them. she's such a freak. sorry, becks, vicks, & Marla.

Anthony Caine wrote:

What a day! You guys probably won't hear much from me until next weekend when "The Gig" has it's official grand opening/Back to School party.  
  
I have a guardian angel and her name is Elly Patterson. Don't believe me? Listen to this:  
  
Gordon and Weed stopped by the hospital right after they gave me lunch today. Gordon was REALLY pissed off, now from the above post I see why. I could tell he was in a bad mood and said "Hi Gord, how's it hangin?" to try and lighten things up.  
  
"Right where I left them," he said. Weed had a new bunch of pics from the club, he's doing photo sets of some of the girls. We looked through his "special portfolio." Weed was talking about how much Mike likes some of them, I guess Mike totally Bogarts the folio and stares at them forever and goes on and on about the creative texture and lighting and so on, Weed practically has to force him to even turn a page. I flipped through it pretty fast, because there's only one woman I'm really interested in.  
  
Then I told Gord about how I was getting word out about what a great place the Gig is going to be and he totally flipped out! I think he might be bipolar or something. Makes me nervous that he has a key to the house -- not that I'll probably ever be there again.  
  
"Are you the one who told those little snotnoses to come? Weed, last night is this punk's fault!"  
  
Weed put this little rubber doll in his hand. He held it up so I could see and then he totally smashed the thing's head with his fist. Gordon started going into me about some kids getting into the club, which didn't bother him so much except they didn't drink enough and they were lousy tippers and he doesn't want that kind of trash hanging out in his -- or Shakleford's, that is -- sophisticated club, plus they kind of creeped the girls out, who were supposed to meet high-rollers, not kids whose balls hadn't dropped yet.  
  
Gord grabs me and yells something like "I'm going to pound you until that mustache is a hairstyle" or something like that and all I can see is his pinky ring and I'm thinking "Goodbye Elizabeth" when your mom walks in!  
  
"Oh, boys!" she says. "You guys never outgrow the roughhousing. Gordon, Anthony's hip is healing! Wrestling won't put the tone back in Anthony!"  
  
She gave me a little peck and said "my little hero" and took out a box of double-chocolate muffins from the bakery. "Sorry, there's only two left. You boys will have to share." I noticed she had a bunch of crumbs on her shirt.  
  
Gordon ate one and I shared the other with Weed, but he kept spitting on my pieces before feeding me when your mom wasn't looking.  
  
"What are you doing here, Miz P?" Gordon asked.  
  
"Oh, just the usual Sunday routine. Anthony is station eight of twelve! Then there's April to pick up..." she started talking about how much driving she still had to do and gas prices and she didn't know how she'd ever afford all the back to school shopping, I think she was hinting that Gordon should offer to have her stop by the station and fill up the Crevasse for free. Gordon finally relented after about fifteen minutes of bellyaching, but to me it was pure angel-song.  
  
That put her in a good mood and she started going on and on about how great we all turned out, how Gordon is now this big businessman without any education -- she mentioned that his grades were always lower than Mikes once or twice -- or real work experience, nothing but "belief and hard work" and how Weed was this big shot photographer -- "I see you've got a slick-looking portfolio" she said. "What's inside, some new glamour girl you're going to have smiling at everyone in Toronto?"  
  
"Yeah if they're into vertical smiles," Gord said, and I about died right there. Weed made a move to open his portfolio to show her but I grabbed it, but she went on:  
  
"And of course Mike is a high-profile magazine editor like Helen Gurley Brown. And all before you're even thirty! Just goes to show what kids from good families can accomplish, when their parent's pour out their heart's blood without a word of thanks or birthday cake."  
  
I started crying for some reason and she looked at me. "Don't worry, Anthony, you'll catch up. A man needs a good woman behind him, giving him a little nudge now and again. It'll happen for you soon, very soon. Now Gordon, maybe you'd like to ride over to the station with me so that dumb cashier gets the tandoori out of her ears and doesn't call the police after I fill up and hurry off!"  
  
As John might say, "Saved by the Ell!"

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

I am writing to let you know the events that occurred at the “Garage Opera” in Becky’s garage tonight. When I got to Becky’s house, her half-sister Marla and her boyfriend Maynard were already there. Mrs. McGuire was asleep in her room, so I avoided another tonguing. Thank goodness. Becky already had her keyboard set up in the garage and Maynard helped me unload my costumes and wigs. Maynard appears to be the strong silent type, which may be his nature, or it could just be because Marla doesn’t give him much of a chance to say anything. In any case, he didn’t seem too happy to be participating in opera.  
  
I had selected as an opera, Gian Carlo Menotti’s “The Telephone” because it was short, the text is in English, and there are only 2 parts for a man and woman, which Becky and I would play. For those of you unfamiliar with the plot, it is a comedy where a man leaving to go to war wants to propose to his girlfriend before he goes, but is defied at every instant by the constant ringing of her telephone. I convinced Maynard to play the part of the phone, and he eventually got into making particularly menacing ringing noises. He liked being the villain. I got into my soldier suit, while Marla and Becky played with her 1940s style wig and dress. I then went back and forth between the keyboard and Becky, singing my part and leading her through hers. The music is quite a bit more sophisticated than the usual pop ballad, but Becky handled it very well. After we were finished, I went through my wigs with Becky and Marla, while Maynard sat in the corner and tolerated our noises on different hairstyles.  
  
It was about this point, we heard a “Hello. Anyone here?” from just outside the garage door. Becky raced over to the door, opened it and said, “Howard. Marjee. April’s here.” April seemed a little tentative, but I proffered my hand to her and said, “April Patterson. It is my great pleasure to finally meet you. I am Howard Kelpfroth. I am so glad you made it.” April said she was sorry she was late, but she had a hard time getting out of the house without her mother noticing. I told her, “Unfortunately, we are kind of done with the opera part, but I have a treat for Becky that you have not missed.” I then changed into my best gown and wig and said, “Ladies and Maynard, I will now perform for you one of my favorite songs in full regalia.” I launched into an a cappella version of Musetta's Waltz from “La Boheme.” Maynard seemed a little ill at ease to see me in full regalia. While I was singing, Becky got sort of an odd look on her face too. I guess she had never seen a cross-dressing opera singer before. Just as I got to the end, I heard a screech from outside the garage door and in bounds Elly Patterson. “April Patterson. How dare you sneak off without telling me? What are you doing in this house, with these people?” I said, “You must be Elly Patterson. You are a little early for your surprise. But I guess we can do it right now.” Elly looked perplexed and said, “What surprise?” I responded, “April had told Rebecca that she had missed celebrating your birthday, and Rebecca was so disappointed, they decided to write a song in your honor.” Elly rebounded with “And who are you?” I said, “I am Rebecca’s music teacher. Roberta Curtolson. Rebecca asked me to help her out, because she wanted to make sure that the song was just right for you.” This seemed to perk Elly up, but she was still a little suspicious. “I like your name, but you’re awfully well-dressed for a teacher.” I said, “A teacher has to be a role model for young girls today. If they don’t dress properly, they could turn into pole-dancers.” This response seemed to please Elly and she took a seat and said, “Well let’s hear it.” I gathered April and Becky over to the keyboard and they looked thoroughly confused. I then told Elly, “We didn’t quite finish memorizing it, so April and Rebecca may be a little slow on the lyrics.’’ I then launched into an improvised song that went a little like this:  
  
Who’s the best mom in the land?  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
A grandmother who’s really grand.  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
  
Who always know the thing that’s right?  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
A shining beacon in the night.  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
  
Who always knows just what to say?  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
A perfect mom in every way.  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
  
April and Becky caught on to what I was doing pretty quickly, and soon they had added lyrics of their own, which they will have to tell you themselves. After we were done, Elly was beaming. She went up to Becky and said, “Becky. You know I’ve always thought you were a selfish, spoiled only child; but after this song, I now realize that you are very nice, selfish, spoiled only child. I am so glad that I am able to inspire you.”  
  
April went home with Elly and I left for work in Toronto. I left my wigs with Becky, so she and her sister could go through them. All in all, I would say it was one of the best nights I have had in awhile.

Becky McGuire wrote:

howie the opera wuz great! i wanted u 2 post abt it first cuz u knew the names of all the operas an' the songs an' stuff. but we had a kick-ass time! howie has a great singing voice so nice he's a tenor AND a mezzosoprano!  
  
the odd look on my face during ur solo song wuz not cuz of u. it wuz cuz i cld c mrs. p pressing her face against the window trying 2 see in the garage. ur song was great! i wld never of believed that u cld make such a convincing woman!  
  
the verses i made up 4 the Elly Song were:  
  
who loads a dishwasher just right?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
eats blueberry muffins to the last bite?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
  
who drinks her lattes with skim?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
trying 2 keep her figure nice an' trim!  
it's elly, it's elly!  
  
who owns a bookstore, works real hard?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
nine hours a week on her timecard!  
it's elly, it's elly!  
  
marla stayed over 2nite an' we went thru all the wigs an' played dressup it wuz so fun! don't worry howie we took care of 'em just like u sed. maynard went home he got tired of us an' he sed that since "howard is a big opera wuss" he won't come 2 the garage operas nemore. i guess he didn't have as much fun tho he did say u r a good singer howie.  
  
marjee an' i laughed so hard 2nite abt mrs. p. at first she didn't notice marjee wuz there but after her song wuz over she noticed marla an' sed, "ooh, hello nice native girl! are u going 2 teach us some nice tribal songs u learned on the reservation?" marl got mad an' sed "i have lived all my life in toronto" an' mrs. p got confused an' sed, "oh, i didn't know there wuz a reservation in toronto! i guess that's why u speak such good english!" i tried again 2 explain that Marla wuz my sis but again mrs. p didn't get it. she thought i meant marla wuz my big sis like that program Big Sisters/Little Sisters. "i didn't know they let natives volunteer for that--how nice!" gah! she is sooooo dumb.


	128. August 29,2005

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the animals love me & the farm's a slice o' heaven. I know, I know. The horses are stronger than I am, & even having the usual Patterson delusions doesn't keep me fr. knowing that. But the only reason I even had that dumb line in my head was I'd just learned the guitar part to the classic Stones song "Wild Horses" the night before, & I had the song going through my head over & over & over.  
  
But who cares about all that when we've got "garage opera", hungover teenage boyz, Anthony with a broken hip, and other xcitement going on in M-boro. Garage op was a blast last nite, but Becks wants 2 tell U abt it, & she mite already have in the comments (I haven't had a chance to read 'em yet). Stay tuned!


	129. August 29,2005 - comments

April Patterson wrote:

  
this is in response to howard & becky's comments 2 yesterday's post, but i wanted 2 get 2day's comments going. that song was so funny & howard, i can't thank u enuf 4 coming up w/it, u really saved my butt w/my mom. she kept babbling abt it the whole way home. "so nice, so true!" if u r wondering what happened 2 dunc last nite, his 'rents saw us when we were abt a block fr. becky's. they were all, "duncan anderson, u still have a curfew, young man, & we know you got out last nite! home, home w/u!" i'm pretty sure they r the 1's who tipped off my mom.  
  
neway, here r my lyrics 2 the elly song:  
  
who says the punniest things?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
who makes her kidz clean the bathtub rings?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
  
who crax herself up?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
who tells her hubby "shut up?"  
it's elly, it's elly!  
  
who alwayz knows best?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
in case u haven't guessed,  
it's elly, it's elly!  
  
i had some others, but i don't remember them all.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Last night something happened at the Yonge Street bar in Toronto, where I work as a bouncer, that I thought you might like to know.  
  
This man walked into the bar and his appearance was so startling, I could not help but look at him. You won’t believe it but at first he looked like you with short hair, and then he looked like your sister Elizabeth with short hair, and then sometimes he looked more masculine. I thought I was in a Star Trek episode with a shape-shifter or a changeling. Anyway, this guy sits down next to a man I immediately recognized as the photographer I saw taking pictures of the dancers at “The Gig.” He is sort of a greasy-haired, pony-tail-wearing skinny Goth-looking guy with glasses, and wearing all black. I tried to be inconspicuous and moved closer so I could hear their conversation. I am paraphrasing, but it went something like this.  
  
Goth guy: That bar of Shackelford’s is so sleazy. There were hardly any girls there good enough for my web site. Plus Gor . . .  
  
Changeling (interrupting): Please. Use code names. He is “The Millionth One”.  
  
Goth guy: Why are we using code names?  
  
Changeling: I am editing a spy novel, and I need to keep my artistic focus.  
  
Goth guy: OK. Well, “The Millionth One” treats me like I’m a hired thug. He took me down to threaten Ant. . .  
  
Changeling: Code names.  
  
Goth guy: “The Millionth One” took me down to threaten Walrus Moustache. I don’t like working for him. I’m an artist, not hired muscle.  
  
Changeling: I hope you didn’t hurt him. She-who-must-not-be-named has plans for him and Lizardbreath.  
  
Goth guy: Why do you call her Lizardbreath?  
  
Changeling: She has halitosis something awful. Only Walrus Moustache can stand to be around her for any length of time. She’s driven away all her other boyfriends.  
  
At this point, the Changeling’s cell phone rings and he answers it. I can only get one side of this conversation.  
  
Changeling to the phone: Yes, mother. Laura called and said everything went according to plan, even though Grandpa Will nearly messed it up. Grandpa said that when he was growing up, nothing attracted the young people to the farm like a good fart joke. Yes. They’ll commit him soon. You were right about that. Laura said that Steve guy worked out perfectly. OK. Bye. Love you. (He hangs up.)  
  
Goth guy: How did things go with your kissing cousin?  
  
Changeling: It went just the way we wanted. Old Lantern Jaw will do anything for me after our “Summer of Love.” It’s a good thing too, because she-who-must-not-be-named was very unhappy about the way things went with Lizardbreath and Walrus Moustache this summer.  
  
At this point, I was called over to break up a fight on the other side of the bar. When I was done with that, the Goth guy and the Changeling were both gone. I don’t know what it all means, but maybe you do. I’m leaving to work my electrician apprentice job, but I thought I would post this to you before I left. By the by, it was really nice meeting you last night.  
  


Becky,  
  
Something happened to me this afternoon. I am very upset about it, and I need to talk to my bud. Here’s what happened.  
  
Your uncle Ralph and I went to work putting in the lights at that new nightclub “The Gig,” as we have for the last 2 days. When we got there, I saw Kortney Krelbutz in an argument with Mr. Shackelford, the owner of the club. Mr. Shackelford was apparently upset about something Kortney did with some underage boys. I tried not to listen, but they were pretty loud.  
  
After awhile, a portly man with short brown hair and glasses came in accompanied by 2 really big guys. He went up to Mr. Shackelford and started talking business stuff. While they were talking, the 2 big guys started talking to Kortney. Ralph and I were busy installing some blinking colored lights around the stage, when we heard Kortney shrieking. The 2 big guys were putting their hands on her in places where you don’t put your hands on a woman, even if she is a pole-dancer. The guy with Mr. Shackelford yelled at them, “Keep it down. We’re talking business.” Then, one of the guys put his hand over Kortney’s mouth.  
  
I must have been getting upset, because I remember Ralph saying to me, “Calm down Howard. It’s not our business. We’re here to put in lights.” So, I started telling myself, “It’s not my business. It’s not my business.” Then I sort of blacked out.  
  
The next thing I remember was your uncle Ralph standing in front of me saying, “Stop Howard. They’re done.” My hands felt like I had been hitting them against a concrete wall, and my face was really sore. I stumbled over something, and when I looked down it was those 2 guys. Ralph said, “Howard…I never knew you could fight!” Then Kortney said, “I guess this is the first time he had something worth fighting for!” I was overwhelmed by a sense of déjà vu and Ralph took me to the bathroom to clean up. While we were there, the guy that had been talking to Mr. Shackelford came in and said, “I understand you’re Howard. My name is Gordon Mayes. You may have heard of me?” I said that I had. He continued, “I liked what I saw out there. I could always use a man handy with his fists, so I want to offer you a job. Would you like to be one of Gordon’s Guerrillas? Would you like to kiss the pinky ring?” I told him I don’t do that kind of work any more. So, Mr. Mayes said, “I see you like to defend the ladies. There is a lady in a little community called Mtigwaki that needs defending.” I said, “I already turned down that job.” Then Mr. Mayes gets an odd look on his face and says, “You’re that Howard.” He gets quiet for a minute and says, “You’re in big trouble Howard; but I can make that all go away.” I told him I didn’t need his help. So, then Mr. Mayes turned to leave and said, “Well, I’ll see what I can do to convince you. See you later, Howard.”  
  
When Ralph and I got out of the bathroom, the 2 big guys were gone. So we went back to work, but it was hard to concentrate with my hands hurting like they were. When I got home, I found that someone had broken into my apartment. I was looking around to figure out what was stolen and when I went into my bedroom, there was Kortney, in my bed, wearing nothing but a big smile. She said, “I knew my tongue had converted you Howard. Let me give my big hero a big wet thank you.” I ran to the study, where I have my computer, locked the door and started this post. You’re my bud, so maybe you know what to do. She is still outside knocking on the door, and saying all these crazy things to me.

Becky McGuire wrote:

howie u r prolly still out on ur krazee kortney krelbutz date which i hope is going good 4 u even tho she has a wandering tongue an' u don't like girls like that. pleeze make sure u tell us all abt it right away!  
  
ok the story of our dinner with mrs. worth which i know u r eager 2 hear. she sed it wuz casual so I wore my dead grandma's best church dress. apes wore the clothes mrs. p told her 2 say were her church clothes even tho apes' fam only goes 2 church on christmas an' she gets a special christmas dress 4 that. (it used 2 b they went on christmas an' easter but then when apes wuz a toddler she did something wacky like pee on some old lady's easter bonnet or something so now they just go on christmas).  
  
it wuz just me an' apes an' mrs. worth an' rita at this dinner which wuz good even tho apes wanted 2 see mr. jeff i guess cuz i m always still puzzling over why he can't bone mrs. worth while rita's staying with her an' it got apes curious. now i have kind of a confession it wuz me who posted as mrs. worth's french cook earlier 2day. well not me but my half-sis's half-sis vicki. see when mrs. worth told me we were having horse i knew apes wld freak so i told her early 2 see what her reaction wuz an' when she barfed i knew that wuz bad so i freaked. i called up marjee 4 advice an' vicki wuz there an' they sed they wld fix it an' vicki posted as that henri lady an' lied an' sed the food would relaly be chicken. i figured what apes didn't know wouldn't hurt her.  
  
well i wuz wrong. she approved our dresses an' then signed the contract an' that went good even tho mrs. worth hates that ape's dress is purple she sez that's a color only a lewd woman wears. the soup an' salad courses went ok we had 2 keep listening 2 mrs. worth go on an' on about abstinence it sounded like when they talk abt sex ed in health class but i guess she meant rita shld abstain from drinking booze. rita kept nodding an' saying "yes mary" but i saw she had a silver flask in her pocket an' when mrs. worth wuzn't lookking she would use it 2 spike her club soda it smelled like gin.  
  
but then they brought out the main course which wuz the roulade de horsey an' things just got bad frum there. apes got suspicious when she noticed that mrs. worth called the cook "mrs. smith" an' not "mlle. henri" or whatever. lucky 4 me mrs. worth distracted her by asking if she owned an ecru linen suit like all proper young ladies need an' did she wanna go shopping with us 2 get one? but then apes tasted the food an' she got real pale an' whispered 2 me "this doesn't taste like chicken" an' i lied an' said, "that's cuz of the roulade part, just eat it" but mrs. worth started going on an' on about how healthy horse meat is an' how smart the frenchies r 4 eating it an' how horses r nasty dirty creatures neway an' she doesn't like them alive but she sure likes them dead on her plate!!! well right around then apes started to go from white to green an' so i sed, "pleeze excuse my friend miss patterson she wuz at a very late luncheon 2day with our friend mr. howard an' she is prolly 2 full 2 eat another bite!"  
  
i thought that wld take care of it but mrs. worth kept going on an' on abt how horses r a pain in the ass when they're alive but they're so helpful when they're dead especially as meat an' jello an' horsehair couches an' glue she kept going on an' on an' when she said "glue" apes totally lost it an' she jumped up 2 run 2 the bathroom but she got lost an' long story short she barfed on mrs. worth's crystal swan. mrs. worth wuz just abt 2 get all mad when rita came over 2 see what all the fuss wuz abt an' her flask fell out of her pocket.  
  
well then all hell broke loose an' mrs. worth started screaming an' hitting rita an' while apes an' i were trying 2 clean up the barf an' the swan rita wuz really getting pounded. i guess one of the other residents heard the fighting an' called the cops cuz they showed up an' prolly mrs. worth would've got arrested if her advice hadn't saved one of the cops' sisters frum a bad marriage so they let her go with just a ticket 4 disturbing the peace. we showed mrs. worth we cleaned up her swan real good but she didn't care she busted out crying an' bawling abt how her reputation wuz ruined cuz she had never failed 2 solve a problem but she couldn't cure rita an' no one wld ever trust her advice again an' prolly jeff wld never want 2 bone her again.  
  
well apes an' i didn't know what 2 do but we didn't think we cld leave them like that an' the cook had totally split when she heard the cop sirens so we decided 2 try 2 help. we got out the phone book an' called up my mom's old AA sponsor an' she gave us the number of a really sweet inpatient treatment program an' they even came over an' picked up rita an' checked her in right away. after that problem wuz taken care of we got mrs. worth into bed we were gonna put her in her pjs but we got grossed out just taking off her support stockings so we stuck her in there in her dress an' gave her one of my mom's vicodin. that shut her up pretty good an' once she wuz asleep we cleaned up the dishes an' got the hell out of there.  
  
apes an' i took the bus home an' on the way i read the contract over again turns out that there wuz something called a "liquidated damages clause" an' even tho there isn't gonna be a party apes an' i still get paid 50% of our fee which is totally sweet. i guess it's not so good for mrs. worth an' rita but i m guessing that if i keep quiet abt this she will still give me a good recommendation when peeps ask abt me. im' actually kinda glad 2 be free frum her clutches cuz she is a very demanding person i can't blame rita 4 needing 2 drink in order 2 b around her all the time.  
  
ok howie, now i wanna hear from u!  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
Wow. I am sorry April got sick and you two ended up having to clean up things. But Becky, I am so impressed with how you handled Mary Worth. I wonder if there is anything my bud cannot do. My story about “Dinner with Kortney” is not nearly as eventful or entertaining as yours.  
  
Kortney took me to a pretty ritzy restaurant for dinner. We ordered and while we were waiting for our food, we had a nice but kind of awkward conversation. Kortney never seemed to look away from my eyes and she laughed a little too hard at my jokes. It had been such a long time since I had been out with a woman; I kind of forgot how different it is from being with guys.  
  
There were 2 ladies in the booth next to ours, and for some reason one of them started talking louder and louder, as if she wanted to be heard. “When I buy that store, you are definitely going to have a job there. I have worked with bad, even evil and despicable employees, and so I know a good one when I see one. It’s so nice to work with someone who is such a good and honest worker.” The lady seemed to punctuate every one of her compliments with a little bite to her voice, and I turned my head to see what was going on. I immediately recognized the older lady from Lilliput’s book store and my old girlfriend Bea. Inwardly I cursed at the irony.  
  
“Oh hello Kortney. I didn’t see you there,” said the lady as she walked over to Kortney. “This is Beatrice Alfarero. You don’t know her, but she is the person who replaced you. I understand that you have been working some interesting positions since you left Lilliput’s. I am so glad that you have found employment that fits your background and training.” Kortney turned to me and said, “Moira Kinney. This is my boyfriend, Howard Kelpfroth. He beats up people who bother me.” The older lady, Moira, said, “Well I see that you are still just as rude as ever!” and she turned to leave. Bea was still standing there, looking pale as a sheet. She gasped and hurried after Moira. Kortney looked puzzled and asked, “What was that about?” I responded, “Back before I knew who I was, Bea was my old girlfriend. She broke up with me a long time ago. By the by, please don’t introduce me as your boyfriend.”  
  
Just in the nick of time, the food came. I took a bite into my steak, and a sharp pain seared through my mouth. Kortney took at look and said, “Howard, your gums are all red and swollen, probably from the fight today. I think you are going to need a dentist.” From out of nowhere, a man in glasses appeared at the side of our table and said, “Did I hear someone say they needed a dentist? Dr. John Patterson DDS at your service. Here’s my card. Just call my secretary Jean, and I am sure she can work you in tomorrow.” My eyes followed him as he went back to his table, where I saw Elly Patterson. He was saying to her, “Elly, honey. It’s business. I have to fill the spaces, or Everett will have all the patients.” He was kind of strange, but enthusiastic. I hope April’s dad is a good dentist.  
  
I ended up having coq au vin and chocolate mousse to go easier on my mouth. When we got back to my apartment, Kortney asked if she could come in, but I told her I had to drive to Toronto for my second job. I thanked her for dinner and Kortney gave me a really, tight, needy sort of hug and said, “If you ever do get converted, I would like to be your girlfriend.” That’s how the date ended. Like I said, your story is quite a bit more exciting than mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full lyrics to the Elly song:
> 
> Who’s the best mom in the land?  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
A grandmother who’s really grand.  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
> 
> Who always know the thing that’s right?  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
A shining beacon in the night.  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
> 
> Who always knows just what to say?  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.  
A perfect mom in every way.  
It’s Elly. It’s Elly.
> 
> who loads a dishwasher just right?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
eats blueberry muffins to the last bite?  
it's elly, it's elly!
> 
> who drinks her lattes with skim?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
trying 2 keep her figure nice an' trim!  
it's elly, it's elly!
> 
> who owns a bookstore, works real hard?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
nine hours a week on her timecard!  
it's elly, it's elly!
> 
> who says the punniest things?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
who makes her kids clean the bathtub rings?  
it's elly, it's elly!
> 
> who crax herself up?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
who tells her hubby "shut up?"  
it's elly, it's elly!
> 
> who alwayz knows best?  
it's elly, it's elly!  
in case u haven't guessed,  
it's elly, it's elly!


	130. August 30,2005

Hello, April's readers! This is Liz filling in for April. I heard her crying, so I went in to see what was going on. It was sort of hard to piece together what she was saying. Something about dinner at Mary Worth's place last night? Now, I remember our mom took me to Mrs. Worth's apartment years and years ago, before April was born. I can see how that would give someone nightmares. Meanwhile, I've got to see what I can do for my baby sister.


	131. August 30,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

  
April,  
  
I just got out of my dental appointment with your dad, Doctor Patterson, and I thought I would let you know how it went. When I got to the office, the waiting room was filled full of teenage girls and their mothers. They squealed when I opened the door, but then said, “Oh. It’s not him.” I went to the receptionist at the front desk, showed her the card I had gotten from your dad last night, and asked if he had any appointments free. She said, “He has an appointment free right now. Just fill out this paperwork.”  
  
I sat down to fill out the paper work, but I was distracted when the girls started squealing again. “He just drove up. Look at him. He is such a morsel. I think he’s a real delicacy. I would love to nibble him. He’s a healthy snack. A real taste treat. A delightful refreshment.” I begin to wonder if they were talking about a person or their next meal, they looked out the window with such hunger. The door opened and a young man with a goatee walked through. The ladies started shrieking, jumping up and down, and one lady fainted. A teenaged girl grabbed onto his leg and asked, “Doctor Everett, can you squeeze me in today?” The man went over to the receptionist and asked, “Is there space, Jean?” She said, “No, doctor, your spaces are all filled and every single one of your patients is already here.” The teenager looked sullen, and whined, “But my next appointment is not until next week.” The man gave her a smile, said “Sorry, babe,” and went into the back, with the girls calling to him the whole way.  
  
I was called to the back and recognized your dad from our encounter last night. He was looking over my information. “I see you had a job as a professional opera singer, but now work as an electrician apprentice.” I nodded yes. “I completely understand. Being a professional musician is a hard life. It’s better to have a normal life. Otherwise, it's difficult to tell who likes you for yourself or for what you can do. Open up and let's see what you have here.” After looking at my mouth, he stood up and yelled out the door, “We have some major ground-breaking work to do in here. We’ll be using all the state-of-the-art equipment.” He saw the horrified look on my face, and said, “Don’t worry. You just have a few loose teeth and swollen gums. Something must have hit you in the mouth.” I told him that was true.  
  
Most dentists that I know do that thing where they ask you questions that you can’t answer because your mouth is all full of dental equipment. Not your dad. The whole time he was working he did all the talking and never asked me a thing. He was saying things like, “Everett has a Pavo XS50 AWD. Ted has a Pavo XS50 AWD. What do I have? An old Bushwhacker convertible. I told her I would paint it royal blue and put in a cupholder. But no. She has to have that Crevasse. Then after I buy it for her, what do I get? Just a hug. Everett gets more than a hug. Ted lives with his mother and gets more than a hug. Jelly Flappyarms doesn’t understand the conductor can’t just play with his choo-choo all the time. Sometimes he wants to drive it in the tunnel.” After he was done, he said, “Do you want to come in tomorrow? I have plenty of empty spaces.” I asked, “Do I need to come in tomorrow?” He said, “No. But it would be really nice of you if you did.” I thanked him for his work, but said I wouldn’t be in tomorrow.  
  
As I left I heard him yelling, “I had to create some new procedures for that case. I think I will write it up for the Journal of Dental Research.” When I went into the waiting room, the girls squealed again and said, “Oh. It’s not him.”  
  
It was an interesting visit and my mouth feels quite a bit better. I just thought I would let you know that your dad does good work.

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

April's sitting up in bed now, having some vegetable broth (I think she was sick). Gerald's sitting by her bed singing 4Evah songs. Liz just got off of the phone with Becky. I heard Liz go, "I think that's going to be a big help. So, you'll be here in about 15 minutes? Great, see you then! Thanks, Becky!"  
  
I'll keep you posted.  
  


Anthony Caine wrote:

Patterson Girls:  
  
Just giving you guys a head's up, your Mom's got what Liz used to call "a rabbit up her ass" about some kind of contest the local _Milborough Gazette and Advertiser_ is running.  
  
She told me about it "in secret" but I got the impression it was the kind of secret she wanted blabbed to her children.  
  
It's for some "Mom of the Year" or maybe "Woman of the Year" thing they're running, open to any woman with a child. The kids are supposed to submit essays to the paper about why their mother is the best. I got the impression it was supposed to be cute kid's essays written in crayon but your mom is under the impression that Michael is going to write this brilliant Pulitzer prize type essay on Motherhood, specifically Elly Patterson brand of motherhood, and with heartfelt testimonials from her virtuous daughters she's a shoe-in.  
  
Anyway, she was dropping hints like a B-52 carpet bombing about her kids "surprising" her by entering. She's probably going to leave the paper lying around somewhere where you can find it easily.  
  
Just thought I should give you fair warning,  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

like a million times 4 tricking her in2 eating horse meat. she finally 4gave me an' sed she blames mrs. worth 4 serving it in the 1st place so at least r friendship is intact an' i didn't turn my bff in2 my enemy.  
  
then when i went 2 leave apes' house i almost got out without mrs. p seeing me but good ole jelly caught me as i wuz going out the door an' grabbed my arm an' sed, "excuse me miss becky but aren't u forgetting something?" i wuz confused an' i didn't feel like playing her dumb games so i just sed, "i don't know, what?" an' she asked, "did u bring some food over 2 cheer april up? and if so, where is it? it had better not be up in her room. i don't usually allow food up there." so i just sed i didn't bring ne even tho i brought over like two pounds of twizzlers cuz those r apes' fave we share them whenever we go 2 the movies.


	132. August 31,2005

Wow, thanx 2 all the peeps who have been checking in 2 make sure I'm OK. I can't believe all the voicemail, text messages, and e-mail I've gotten! I'm feeling much better 2day.  
  
If you'd been following the comments from earlier, you know abt the crazee dinner Beckers & I had w/Mary Worth. & how I thought I was eating chicken but it turned out it was horse meat! OMG! So I gagged & up came the bit I'd eaten, but Mrs. Worth barely noticed what with that Rita chick & her boozing again. NEway, I barely had time 2 think abt what had just happened w/all the commoshe. When I got home, my 'rents weren't back yet fr. having dinner @ a fancy restaurant. I was so tired, I just went rite up 2 bed.  
  
Yesterday morning I woke up fr. the worst nightmare I think I've ever had, ever ever ever! I don't remember everything, but there was stuff about a Viking on a dragon,burning placez down. And that's just what I remember, I know I had a bunch more, but mostly it was the kind of thing where I was left with a horrible, horrible feeling. Like I'm all rotten inside, but worse? It's so hard 2 explain!

  
As U know, I wuz pretty much in bed the whole day, feeling just sick, sick, sick. Liz took great care of me and she got her friend Shawna-Marie to come over to help. She'd just come back from spending the summer in Bracebridge & was glad 2 get a chance 2 see Liz, even if it was 2 help w/sick me.  
  
Gerald came over in the afternoon and sat with me until around 8:30 last night. Mostly, he sang to me and read to me. I was crying a lot & don't remember half of what I said. I know the nightmares were haunting me & I kept having this horrible feeling of needing 2 get the horses 2 forgive me. Liz talked to Becky early in the evening & Becks came over just a bit later. When she came in2 my room she jumped on my bed & hugged me & started crying & saying she was so, so sorry. I'd just stopped crying 4 a while myself, but I started all ov. again when Becks got started. Gerald just sat there looking uncomfortable w/2 crying girlz.  
  
Liz came in & said she & Becky had planned something special. Liz said she'd learned some healing ritual up in Mtighollaback & she handed out some pages she'd printed out from my computer. We all had special linez 2 recite. There was a bunch of stuff about being 1 w/nature. There were some parts that Becky and Liz wrote themselves. They even mentioned Mrs. Worth by name.  
  
Afterwards, Becks & I talked a long, long time. Liz got Gerald & Shawna-Marie 2 leave the room so we cd talk alone. Becky felt, well, she felt like total shit 4 (in her words) tricking me in2 eating horsemeat. She said she was just so desperate 2 get that gig & Mrs. Worth put her in2 this horrible position. She thought that if I didn't know it was horse it wdn't hurt me, & then we'd get $ & gd recs out of playing @ the party. I was upset that Becky didn't trust me 2 come up w/a plan, like on that episode of _Seinfeld_ where Jerry tricks Elaine's cousin in2 thinking he's eating mutton, when really he's spitting the meat in2 the cloth napkins. 'Cept better than that.  
  
We both cried a lot. But after all that, we agreed 2 h8 Mary Worth 4 causing this horror. Becky called Marla up & asked if she cd stay @ her apt cuz her mom had been in 1 of her "moods" all day. Cuz she'd been watching some old movie on TV that reminded her of Becky's dad.  
  
After Becky and Shawna-Marie had left, Gerald was still there. He was stroking my hair and making up poems, but whenever Liz left the room, he tried climbing in2 my bed. Liz had some kinda radar tho, cuz as soon as he had 1 leg in my bed, she'd be throwing open my door & saying "Knock it OFF, Gerald ‘Delaney’ Forsythe!"  
  
Oh, & I just found out about Becky's surprise, using the Mary Worth $ 2 buy horseriding lessons 4 me! OMG, Becks, that is, like, the nicest thing NE1 has ev. done 4 me! Thank U sooooo much! Oh, & thanx 4 the twizzlerz, 2. I had 2 hide them so my mom wdn't find them on her next "inspection".  
  
BTW, when Dad picked me up @ the aiport Sunday, 4 sum reason he had the idea that Mom was already taking Liz back up north. It turns out he was only half listening when they were telling him their plans, cuz he was so preoccupied reading sum new "dentist adventure novel". NEway, my mom & Liz just left this morning. Oh, well, gotta get "psyched down" fr. summer cuz school will start B4 U know it!


	133. August 31,2005 - comments

Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes! Ive been 'puter grounded since my mom caught us on Sun on r way 2 the garage opera an' this is the 1st time my 'rents have both been out an' I could go an' get the mouse an' keyboard. I didnt want 2 say nething bad 2 u abt Ger on Sun 'cos hes yr bf but hes told u lies abt Sat night an' now Ive got 2 tell u what really happened.  
  
Ger called an' asked me if I wanted 2 go with him 2 check out a potential gig 4 the band. I said ok, Im not doing nething neway, an' we met up. Ger said hed made "an important and influential new business contact," this Mr. Shakleford d00d, an' that were going 2 check out Mr. S.'s new place called The Gig 'cos Mr. S. wants 4Evah 2 b The Gigs house band. I said 4Evah was thru an' I was changing my artistic direction 2 rap an' hip hop neway, but Ger said 4Evah wasnt thru an' hes r new manager an' hes auditioning 4 a new member if Beckers doesnt come back but hes pretty sure Beckers would b back 'cos Mr. S. said if Beckers wasnt in the band she would b on the pole.  
  
NEway, we get 2 The Gig, an' Ger gives the doorman this $100US bill. Id never even seen 1 b4 so I asked Ger where he got it an' he said its "compliments of Mr. Caine, who is one of Mr.Mayes’ most loyal and trusted associates." We sit down an' Ger orders us these Long Island Ice Teas. I tried 2 drink mine but I dont like tequila, its nasty even w/o the worm, so I gave mine 2 Ger an' got a Blue Light.  
  
We watched some of the auditions an' then this pole dancer named Kortney came 2 r table an' frenched me an' said now u r cured. She asked me a weird question, if I was purple newhere else, an' then she stopped talking 2 me 'cos Ger told her that Im "a sexual deviant who is known to the Milborough Police Force." Thanks, Ger. So Ger starts buying Kortney Long Island Ice Teas, an' I think they went thru 2 or 3 of them while I had my beer. Kortney had her hands all over Ger, an' Ger was saying gross things 2 her like, "my dainty little sugar plum," "my moist little cupcake," "my lovely daffodil," "my luscious little lemon drop," and "my pulchritudinous little pole dancer." Then Kortney asked Ger if he wanted 2 take her 2 a private VIP room for a lap dance, "compliments of Mr. Caine." While they were gone, I went 2 introduce myself 2 the ladies waiting 2 audition 'cos we might all b working 2together in a professional capacity, an' most of them were really nice an' when they went on stage 4 their auditions, they gave me shout outs, which was so cube. Ger an' Kortney came back an' said we had 2 go. Kortney gave us a ride home which took 4ever 'cos Kortney had 2 keep pulling over 2 let Ger spew. Kortney dropped me off 1st 'cos she said she didnt want 2 b alone in her car with a perv, an' thats all I no.


	134. September 1,2005

Well, now I'm not sure what deets 2 believe abt Gerald and Duncan's nite @ The Gig this past Saturday, where Kortney was auditioning 2 B a pole dancer. I mostly believe Ger's big confession & what Howard heard fr. Kortney, but then l8r, Ger posted w/sum ?'s 4 Dunc (oh, sorry, MC DunC) abt his part in everything. It's like I said in one of my comments, this is just like that movie Rashomon.  
  
NEway, I have 2 fig. out what 2 wear 2 school. We have 2 wear uniforms, but we have diff. shirts, sweaters, pants, and skirts 2 choose fr. So I still have 2 decide which combo lks the best on me, only I'm stuck with navy blue, grey, white, and plaid. This is such a pain. I'm calling Becks!


	135. September 1,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

hey apes this is what i'm wearing 4 the first day:  
  
plaid skirt rolled up so the hemline is halfway between my crotch an' my thighs. then i'm gonna wear navy blue knee-highs an' mary janes with stacked heels. i'm wearing my white top with the shirt tails hanging out an' my navy an' gray sweater vest over that. i bought it a size 2 small so it will look really hott. then i'm gonna put my hair in pigtails. i'm going 4 a madonna/whore catholic schoolgirl look. it's important 2 make a stunning impression on the 1st day cuz that's how the grade 12 boys will remember u 4 the rest of the year!  
  
i totally agree with u abt the whole ger an' dunc nite on the town. ger is a big nerd an' his confession sounds real geeky an' lame so it sounds about right. i hate 2 say it but ger is rite dunc's story has more holes in it then dee's diaphragm. i think he's embarrassed abt doing sex stuff with a girl that looks like margaret hamilton (look her up on imdb, loozers, an' u'll know i'm rite!).  
  
i went over 2 marla’s last nite 4 pizza with her an' vix. they put a ton of "oregano" on the pizzas an' i got totally spaced out. i woke up on her living room floor at 4 am with drool running down my cheek. totally uncool. i don't know why every1 thinks pot is so great (well actually that wuz hash but it's all the same thing isn't it?). it's supposed 2 be fun but i can never remember actually having ne fun--i just pass out.  
  
ok later peeps!  
  


Marla McGuire wrote:

I'm so sorry, Becky. Maynard promised he was gonna use real oregano & make "straight" browniez, but I guess he lied. Again.

Becky McGuire wrote:

yeah apes ur mom suxx but here's what u shld do. put nething sexxy u want 2 wear in ur backpack. leave 4 school early an' meet me in the girls' bathroom. we can fix ur unie there. i'll bring u some makeup.  
  
i'm not really upset abt passing out it's just annoying. how come every1 else gets 2 have fun with drugs an' i just take a big nap? so not fair.  
  
maynard is a big fat liar. i think he does that stuff cuz he gets a kick out of watching us get accidentally stoned. when i woke up he wuz on the couch laffing at me. oh well he's kinda cute.  
  


Duncan Anderson wrote:

I dont care nemore who u believe, Apes. Weve been buds since K, an' I thought that meant something but mayB not.  
  
My 'rents were freaking on me this am. They got the bill from my lawyer, an' its like $10K. They said I hafta pay them back 4 it so 1st we went 2 the bank an' emptied my savings account ($283.37) an' then they emptied my toonie an' loonie jar ($71.00) an' then they told me I hafta give them 1/2 my allowance til the bills paid. I did the math, an' thats like 18 yrs 2 pay them back. An' then I did something stupid an' asked them abt interest. Now they decided they want interest 2 so Im boned.   
  
Im gonna ask my 'rents 2 send me 2 live w/ my aunt in TO, an' if they say no its ok w/ me if they send me "back home" 2 live w/ my nan on the goat farm. Newhere but Mboro. An' Im gonna sell my bass an' my 'puter. I dont need them neway 2 B a rapper an' the 'puter just gets me in2 trouble an' then mayB w/ the bass and 'puter $ Ill have the bill paid in 15 yrs.  
  
p.s. Ger is such a liar. U cant get hi from huffing Elmers School Glue, d00d.  
  
p.p.s. Beckers, I dont care nemore if u quit 4Evah 'cos I quit. U all think my music sucks neway.  
  
p.p.p.s. If ne1 wants help w/ French homework, dont call me nemore.

Anthony Caine wrote:

Your mom showed me some pics, April. Guess the eatin' was pretty good out on the farm, huh?  
  
I'm just jealous because the hospital food is awful and you're mom hasn't been by with double chocolate muffins today. :(  
  
Tomorrow night is the big opening at "The Gig" -- I guess they found another band -- and I'll ask around some of the employees let you know what happened with G&D and their naughty little trip Saturday morning -- if I can get anyone to talk, that is. I'm looking forward to getting out and mixing with people again.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

oh man take a nap an' look what u miss!!  
  
first things first dunc i never sed ur music sucked. i just sed the band wuzn't good enuff 4 me. ok i know that sounds mean but it's not the same thing as saying u have no talent. u do have talent. i think i have more but that doesn't mean u have none. remember we were 2gether in a band 4 a long time an' i wldn't have done that with peeps that sucked.   
  
also u shld stay in the band cuz apes an' ger really want u 2. (ger just called me on the phone an' bitched me out 4 ruining ur life an' making u quit. as a rule i don't listen 2 ger but the important message is, he wants u 2 stay.)  
  
as 4 the $10 large...ok u an' i both know that u deserved 2 get punished 4 the whole camera thing it's against the law. but ur parents r being super mean they r crapping all over ur life like until ur 32 an' that's a long time. that's, like, old. it's not ur fault they hired u an expensive lawyer u coulda gone with the public defender. try telling them that. also i will call ur rents an' ask them 2 go ez on u. i can see taking 1/2 ur allowance 2 teach u the value of the dollar but not making u pay back the whole thing. they're being major butts. an' don't go 2 the goat farm! or sell ur stuff! u need ur puter 4 school neway. what else r u gonna type ur papers on? u know u belong in m-boro with ur friends ger an' apes. i know u we're not buds nemore but they really like u.  
  
granthony, don't call apes fat! ur an ass. she's not fat i already saw her those r just bad pics. i told her never 2 wear those brown shorts again. u know how it is sometimes liz an' apes' asses look way fat an' later it turns out they're not...sometimes even just minutes later...it's like a optical illusion or something. it happens 2 a lot of ppl the pattersons know. i hope it never happens 2 me! but apes isn't fat.  
  


Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Dear Duncan,   
  
You aren't answering your cell phone or my IMs, so I will post this here in case you happen to read this blog again. I am quite distraught over the idea of your leaving 4 Evah and Milborough entirely. You are my best guy friend. The prospect of going to high school without you terrifies me. You are so much cooler than me. Where else will I learn about the true intoxicating effects (or lack thereof) of alcohol and Elmer's glue? Who will hook me into the cool gossip sources? Who will have my back when the Grade 12 guys try to give me swirlies and/or atomic wedgies? Or provide me with his dad's used Penthouse magazines? April is my girlfriend, but you are indispensible to me as a friend.  
  
Also, you are a very talented musician, no matter what Becky says. I will be very sad if our entire band breaks up because then I will have nobody to jam with or to boss around.  
  
Please don't go, Duncan! I will call your parents and beg for leniency on your behalf.  
  
Your devoted forever friend, Gerald  
  
P.S.--Remember when we were standing by the lockers and Jana MacDougall passed by and we both popped a boner at the same time? You won't have good times like that on a goat farm!

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
At lot has happened to me this afternoon so this post may be a little long. Bear with me.  
  
When I got home from working at “The Gig” today, I found a woman standing in front of my apartment waiting for me. She was a brunette and she was wearing a woman’s business suit. She told me her name was Rhetta Blum, and asked if she could speak to me privately. We went into my apartment and I offered her something to drink, which she politely refused. She said, “Mr. Kelpfroth, I understand you have a reputation for not being afraid to stand up to Gordon Mayes AKA Mr. Rusty Shakleford of Brampton. I have a meeting with Mr. Mayes and I need a bodyguard, someone who is not intimidated by him.” I said, “Why don’t you tell me what this is about?” She responded, “I am a partner in my father's company and a few days ago, Mr. Mayes made him a proposition he couldn’t refuse, but he did anyway. He proposed that my father should use his business in a money laundering operation for South American exotics. My father said no, but lately he has been finding the family pets, filleted, baked in a nice cream sauce, and sitting in his bed when he wakes up. When I meet with Mr. Mayes, I want to let him know that filleted Fluffy does not frighten reticent Rhetta.” Having dealt with Mr. Mayes’ goons before, I knew I could not leave her defenseless with him, so I agreed.  
  
We got into her car, and she drove us to Mayes Midtown Motors. Gordon Mayes met us at the front and led us into a back room. He was accompanied by his 2 big goons, who were, as Rhetta had anticipated, clearly upset that I was there. Their faces were still healing from whatever I had done to them back at “The Gig” a few days ago. Mr. Mayes got Rhetta a drink, and I parked myself at the back of the room, to make sure that I could see any trouble coming. He was all slick and said, “Ms. Blum, I am so disappointed to see you here with Mr. Kelpfroth. He is a bad influence. I cannot help but think that he may be leading you to make an incorrect and tragic decision.” Rhetta responded, “I and my father do our own thinking. I don’t care how many animals you leave in our beds overnight, we do not accept your offer.” Mr. Mayes said, “That’s unfortunate … for you.” At this moment, he struck Rhetta across the face and the 2 goons leapt forward to attack me. I lost consciousness then, and when I awoke I found my hands around Gordon Mayes’ neck and the feeling of the barrel of a gun at the back of my head. I heard a feminine voice barking out, “Let him go, or I’ll blow your head off.” I let him go. He was wheezing and gasping for air. Then the voice ordered, “Now turn around and stand over there.” As I turned around I saw a petite blonde woman, pointing a gun at my head. Gordon said, “Tracey, I can handle this.” “Obviously not” she replied. “You bungled things as always Gordon. Attacking people on our legitimate property. What were you thinking?” As I looked around, I saw the 2 goons were lying unconscious on the floor and Rhetta was standing in the corner holding her injured face.  
  
Rhetta looked at the woman called Tracey, and said, “I should have known it was you behind this. You ruined me and Mike and now you are trying to take over my business.” Tracey said, “You could never prove that I was responsible for that accident with Deanna Sobinski. After being reunited with her, it was easy to convince Mike that you had been seeing other men. You never had a chance with him, just like you don’t have a chance of proving anything now.” I was completely confused at this point. Tracey then addressed me, “Mr. Kelpfroth, you have been a thorn in our side for several weeks now. But I have made arrangements for you. Elizabeth Patterson has finally pressed charges against you. Not only that but I have arranged for 2 other women to press charges against you. You are a bad man, Howard Kelpfroth. The police are on their way here, and when they get here, you are going to spend a long time in jail.” Rhetta cried out in exasperation, “Why are you doing this?” Tracey said, “I would think it was obvious. The easiest way to create an air of legitimacy is to make sure the family in town with the best reputation for goodness is legally tied to our 'family.' Wilf Sobinski and Anthony Caine are all a part of our 'family.' Yours is not."  
  
Suddenly, there was a flash of motion as someone else had come through the door and wrestled the gun from Tracey’s hands. It was Kortney Krelbutz. She pointed the gun at Gordon and Tracey and yelled, “We have to get out of here now!” Rhetta and I didn’t waste any time. When we got outside Rhetta told me, “I’ll get the police to follow me. You go out the back way. My father has a good reputation in this town. I won’t have any trouble.” Then she drove off in her car. I got into Kortney’s car, and she drove out the back. As Rhetta had predicted, the police followed her. Kortney and I are now out of Milborough in a hotel with internet access, so I can post this to you.  
  
If you would be so kind as to tell your uncle Ralph how much I appreciated him giving me employment and that I won’t be in for work tomorrow. This may be my last post for awhile. I want you to know how much I appreciated everything you did for me: the Garage Opera, the job with your uncle Ralph, sticking up for me with Elizabeth. You are such a good friend, and I hope that April never thinks that she needs a new girl friend. She will never find one any better than you. I hope this doesn’t sound too creepy, but “I love you.”

Michael Patterson wrote:

RHETTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!


	136. September 2,2005

Becks & I were up wayyyyyyy late last night. By the time Marla dropped me off at my house, it was, like, 2 AM. Dad didn't notice cuz he was still in his train room. I could hear him singing to his choo-choos when I got back. Becks felt much better after we'd had some bad food, lots of bad TV, & trashy mags. We're both kinda worried that the cliques @ hi school R gonna pull us in diff directions, but we promised 2 push against that.  
  
So, NEway, I didn't get much sleep last nite, so I was a bit out of it 4 the 1st day of school. & when I was walking down the hall, the kidz were talking a bit diff. to how the mid-sch kidz talk, & I was thinking it was, like, a diff. dialect. Tho now that I've had sum coffee fr. my thermos, I realize I was freaking ov. nothing. Man, I was so flipped, I was just kinda randomly putting my hand on some1's shoulder in the hall. She was, like, "xcuse me?" & I'm all, "Sorry, I thought U were some1 else." I know, lame.  
  
U know, if I had a normal mom, I'd B a bit bummed that she wasn't around 4 my 1st day of high-school. (If U suddenly hear that she was waiting 4 me @ home after my 1st day, just know that this is Patterson propaganda!) But since my ma is, well, who she is, I'm sorta glad she wasn't here. I mean, she makes it pretty obvs. that she luvs Liz more than she luvs me, which is why she was all, "Road trip!" Mom denies it, but it's like, I know I was an "oops" baby, & tho my mom tried 2 do the whole "surprise vs. accident" thing, she kind of 4gets about me when Liz is around.  
  
& my Dad's a whole oth. thing. This morning, after he came stumbling out of his train room, he gave me a weird look & said, "My, my, Rn't U a pretty lil thing in yr new school uniform?" I went running out of the house w/out NE breakfast, tho I had a protein bar & my coffee thermos packed up already, so yay on that.


	137. September 2,2005 - comments

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

If you look under the upper left hand corner of your matress, you'll find that new CD you've been wanting that Mom wouldn't let you buy.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

the first day of school wuz ok i guess. it's weird 2 b the most important kids in school in grade 8 an' now 2 b the runts again in grade 9.  
  
i didn't even want 2 go 2day cuz of all that's happened i m feeling really depressed. i haven't eaten nething since yesterday when i read apes's letter an' then howie's post. well apes did make me eat a little debbie cake an' a few cheetos but that's it.  
  
i didn't even do my sexy schoolgirl style outfit i just went 2 school normal-looking. i don't care abt grade 12 guys nemore. at least not rite now.  
  
even my mom is worried now so she is making me go 2 a shrink. she's worried i'm all traumatized by everything that's gone down since dad left. well mayb i m but i m not krazee either so what's the point? it's not like talking abt this stuff is gonna make me feel better. oh well i don't care neway.  
  
dunc don't sweat it 2 much the first day of school all the grade 9ers r real confused an' stuff so i told our math teacher that u were prolly just got lost in the hall an' that u had a real bad sense of direction. stick with that story an' u prolly won't get in 2 much trouble. not sure if that will work 4 ur rents tho. do they know u skipped?  
  
Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My superb ponytailed princess and friends,  
  
The first day of school was a smashing success for me. I have already established myself as the teacher's pet in three of my classes. Two of those teachers made me the class monitor, which means I will have the opportunity to boss around my fellow students for the rest of the year.  
  
Duncan, I am quite disappointed in you for not showing up. I had to sit all by myself at lunch.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

man, becks, our new school is confusing isn't it? I thot it wdn't b so bad b/c of home ec last year, but we only went 2 that 1 rm. & every time i've gotten lost 2day, upperclassmen have just laffed or given me the wrong directions!  
  
i don't think there's nething wrong w/therapy, becks. lots of creative-type ppl go 2 therapy 2 help deal w/having so much emotion. b-sides, u get some1 who has 2 listen 2 u talk 4 an hour & then u can totally make jokes abt him or her l8r. just don't go 2 mike's therapist.  
  
ger, i heard 1 of the teachers say 2 another "there goes eddie haskell" while nodding in yr dir. & the other teach laffed. whatev "eddie haskell" meanz, but he sed it in a way that sounded annoyed 4 sum reason. so mayB we can find out who this eddie is so u can’t b mixed up w/him  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I read the posts since my last post yesterday, and I just want to say, “Cheer up.” Kortney and I are just on a little trip until things cool down in Milborough. Wild horses couldn't keep me from seeing my bud again. When we come back, Kortney and I may not look exactly the same as you remember us when we left, if you know what I mean.  
  
After driving all night we are in Mtigwaki, the land of the trees and annoying natives. You are probably wondering why we are here. As you may recollect, Gordon Mayes and company tried to hire me to live up here for a year and discourage some guy named Warren Blackwood from visiting April’s sister Elizabeth. Since I refused, they would have hired someone else to do the job. So, we came up here to convince that someone else not to do that job.  
  
Yesterday, we met with Rhetta Blum, and she paid me a fairly large sum of money for yesterday's bodyguard job. She also tried the tongue thing on me, which irritated Kortney to no end. Just to let you know, Rhetta should be safe from Gordon. She said her father hired some personal home security. After Rhetta left, I convinced Kortney to go to Mtigwaki and we started driving.  
  
When we got into Mtigwaki, this crowd of people gathered around us saying, “Boozhoo” over and over again. Whatever that means. We got out of the car and the natives looked surprised. A fellow came up to us and said, “We were expecting our teacher from the south, Growling Bear, and her mother Big Chi-Load. They left their home Wednesday and should have been here by now.” Then the people starting opening the trunk and going through the inside of the car. “What are you doing?” I asked. “We are trying to help you with your luggage.” “We don’t have any luggage,” I said. There was one boy walking off with a bag of cookies we had for snacks on the trip. The man said to him, “Jesse Mukwa, give those back.”  
  
I introduced ourselves to the man and he said, “I am Gary Crane, deputy chief, principal and teacher at Mtigwaki Day School, and a native of Mtigwaki who returned home after spending many years teaching in Southern Ontario.” I told him we were looking for someone who had moved to Mtigwaki just recently, possibly signing a long term lease for a house. Gary said, “I know the man. Let me take you to him.” Then Gary led us around, giving us detailed stories about the background and use of each building, and telling us stories about how his mom and auntie used to run the corner store, and how his dad dealt with his diabetes, and on and on and on for what seemed like days. Finally, he said, “Let me take you fishing so I can show you the true Mtigwaki philosophy.” I turned to this Caucasian woman who had been walking with us and asked her if she could take us to the newcomer’s house. She said, “Yes, I can. I’m Vivian Crane, Gary’s wife, the nursing station supervisor, personal and financial counselor, bank manager, baby deliverer, tooth-puller, pottery class teacher and instructor on cat behaviour.” Then she started talking about all the amenities of Mtigwaki, and how you have to drive 60 K for fresh produce, and was starting to launch into a description of how she met her husband, when the boy called Jesse Mukwa tugged on my shirt and said, “If you give me those cookies, I’ll show you the house.” I did, and he walked us to a house that was about 10 metres away from where we were standing.  
  
We knocked on the door of the house and out stepped a huge guy. Kortney gave him this big story about how we were sent to pay him for services rendered and how the job was cancelled. The guy bought the whole story, although it cost us most of the money we had gotten from Rhetta to pay him. Kortney was very impressive. She definitely has some skills at conning people. After the guy got his money, he got into his truck and drove off. The natives started chasing after him saying. “Rides. Rides.” Whatever that means.  
  
I asked Gary if there was a hotel and some place to eat in town. He said, “There's no hotel, and only two places to eat, the Seagull's Nest coffee shop at the marina and that old train car over there, which is actually a diner called the Moose Caboose, or we could go hunting and discuss the philosophy of killing nature’s bounty for your food.” We politely declined and had dinner at the Moose Caboose. Since there was no hotel and the hired goon left, Kortney and I decided to stay in the hired goon’s house tonight. It had a computer hooked up, which has allowed me to write this post to you. We should be leaving tomorrow morning. I hope to see you soon, so have fun in school and don't worry about me.  
  


Edit:

In my last post I told you we were going to wait to leave Mtigwaki until tomorrow morning. I was wrong. Kortney and I were just settling in for the night, when we heard a knock on the door. It was Jesse Mukwa and he was holding a kitten. He said, “I found something on your porch. She’s all alone and she was crying. I think she chose you because I found her on your porch. ” I said, “Jesse, you should never take kittens away from their mother when they are so young.” He said, “She’s just a stray. Nobody wants her.” Then I heard this awful yowling and a cat came into view being followed by a number of kittens. I said, “Give the kitten back to its mother, Jesse.” Jesse scowled and left.  
  
Then a few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was Jesse again, and this time he was holding a puppy. He said, “I found this puppy on your porch. If you don’t want her I could take her down to the marina. When the guys clean fish, they SOMETIMES feed stray animals.” I said, “Jesse, give the puppy back to its mother.” He frowned and left.  
  
Then a few minutes later, we heard this howling like a wolf outside the door. When I opened it, there was Jesse holding the hand of a small native girl. “I found this girl on your porch. If you don’t want her, she could just stay outside in the rain.” I said, “It’s not raining.” Then I heard a voice yell out, “Jesse Mukwa. You stop trying to give away your sister!”  
  
I said to Kortney, “That’s it. I can’t take a minute more of this place. We have to leave now.” We got into the car, and we were about to leave, when Gary Crane jumped in front of the car. He said, “It is a tradition for people leaving town to give rides to other people that do not own cars. He pointed to a group of people standing beside him. I said, “There are 7 people there. We don’t have room for 7 people.” Gary said, “Your trunk is empty.”  
  
Anyway, long story short, Kortney and I drove with 7 people in the car and its trunk (not closed) and are now sleeping in a hotel room with all 7 people. They all want to go to some place called “The Big Smoke”, which I think is their phrase for Toronto. I see that Kortney got on the computer and posted that she wants to go to Vegas and gamble, which I think is an excellent idea. You will probably see some more posts from Kortney. I am going to sleep in the bathtub now.  
  


Brian Watts wrote:

y would they have us start school on a friday. that wuz totally stupid. my old school always started the day after labor day.  
  
i hate having 2 wear a uniform, but i guess that is the price i pay 4 having to go 2 this school.  
  
all that slang didnt bother me. i heard the same words at my old school.

Becky McGuire wrote:

brian, topher's pretty kewl. but watch out 4 suzanne-levonne harbin. last yr in grade 8, she totally had topher pics all over her locker & notebook. & she even writes "mrs. suzanne-levonne grace" on some of the paperz that she hands in 2 teachers! so if sum girl runs up 2 u & starts crying & trying 2 hug u, that's prolly suzanne-levonne.  
  
April Patterson wrote:

suzanne-levonne once almost got in2 a fist fight w/becky 1x cuz becks sed ashton kutcher is cuter than topher. i haven't seen suzanne-levonne yet this yr so i don't kno if she's moved on 2 a new celeb.


	138. September 3,2005

When I was at Becky's house that last time, we came up w/a plan. U C, my mom 4 some reason wants 2 believe we're still in a snit over the whole band thing from grad. We've actually been all thru this & we're over it, but my mom knows lots of teachers in this school. Like I said in the comments 2 my last post, I think my mom even had something 2 do w/school starting so early. She was on a special committee. NEway, she def. plans 2 "check in" w/some of the teachers she knows, & if what we're saying doesn't match w/what my mom thinx is going on, she's totally going 2 try 2 control everything. So we decided 2 _pretend_ we're still on the outs. NE1 C how surprised I looked 2 find Becks behind me in that classroom? We totally planned that, peeps! NEway, Dunc & Ger, don't 4get 2 play along!


	139. September 3,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

Okay, I'm sure you all heard this on your radio or TV last night or this morning, but "The Gig" is gone. I'm in so much trouble.  
  
Having a hard time even writing this...yesterday seems like a year ago.  
  
The "Back to School" party got off to a very nice start.  
  
I got to park in the handicapped zone thanks to my walker. Made mom drive me, even though she was blubbing something about hospices (again!). She didn't realize that I just HAD to attend this, and it really wasn't the sort of place that she should go into, so I told her to wait in the lot. I think she met a nice limo driver up from New York -- I came out a little later to see if she had any cash -- and they were talking, he even invited her to "party" and gave her some vanilla Lik-M-Aid from his baggie. And they say New Yorkers aren't friendly to Canadians!  
  
But then lots of people arrived in limos. Many more individuals were lined up outside the door. This very attractive girl from "jennajameson.com" was handing out postcards and "Canookies Gone Wild" Canadian-flag wrapped condoms. The postcards had a rather lewd picture and a web URL, Jenna was supposed to show up tomorrow night for an appearance and a signing and sales of her book and some of her videos.  
  
There were people from Toronto, Detroit, Montreal, Ottowa, and even a man Gord introduced as Mr. Williams from New York. Mr. Shacklebolt stayed in his office the whole time (he's really busy) but contacted me via IM on my cell when he needed something.  
  
The club had the best of everything. Italian leather and marble, oak railings, lighting worthy of Las Vegas, the bar alone was the size of a Starbucks. . .and never mind the fantasy-like champagne rooms.  
  
The band was playing (April, have you ever heard of the Backstreet Sluts?) but they all looked about 29 even though they were in gray miniskirts, white shirts, and blue sorta-sweaters (they were cut funny and tied under the breasteses). Oh, and kneesocks. But they weren't very good, the lead singer...sheesh. Don't know what she was doing to the microphone but she wasn't singing into it, that's for sure!  
  
I must say the dancers were top-noch. They were very professional. They had this totally drunk group of guys in pinstriped overalls screaming "bend down and let's see your caboose" and drinking beers out of an oilcan yelling "chugga-chugaa-chugga-chugga-WHOO WHOO!" (Gord was like "who let them in?") and they kept hollering stuff about putting Willie in the Boxcar, I dunno, but the dancers ignored them. One of the dancers totally flipped them off when one tried to tip her with a little toothbrush and tube of toothpaste in a clear plastic wrapper.  
  
Then the big "cheerleader" number came on. More dancers on stage than at any other point in the evening. On stage #1 they had five cheerleaders, stage #2 had a "hot teacher" and a "hot librarian" and a "hot school nurse" doing I-don't-know-what and stage #3 had more "innocent schoolgirls." The DJ was playing "Mickey" by Toni Basil and "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen. I swear, Gord was trying to fit more people through the doors using a crowbar. These big expensive multi-color rotating stage lights cut in in synch to the music.  
  
Well, then all these sparks started flying out of the ceiling!  
  
It confused the DJ for a while, and he switched the song to that "What a Feeling" one from _Flashdance_. I think he thought the sparks were a special effect! The dancers did pretty well, considering, they all started pretending to weld the poles and stuff. Then this loud "ka-whoof" comes from backstage and everything started on fire. Two of the bouncers tried to put it out with the hose and super-squirter for the "wet t-shirt contest" later but instead of water it had this alcohol solution in it designed to evaporate very fast and cool the skin so the contestants' nipples get hard. When that stuff hit the fire the flames got really bad. It was like trying to put out a curtain fire with a flamethrower!  
  
Considering how crowded the club was it emptied out pretty fast. People were running and screaming and somebody threw a table through the plate glass window.  
  
I couldn't move too fast what with the walker. I got knocked to the floor in the rush. Luckily this really filled-out dancer who was playing the "hot librarian" (I think her name was Pepper Seidemann) said "climb aboard, pops" and lifted me on to her back. I hung on as best as I could, but I'm afraid I ended up grabbing on to her bare, well -- they were so big! Oh, I think I had one of those Canadian condoms stuck to my forehead too.  
  
I just got out just as the propane from the kitchen grills went up!  
  
So I'm heading out the door of a burning club into the dark parking lot, riding a naked stripper with my hair smoking and hands where a gentleman's don't belong and a condom stuck to my forehead when a camera-flash goes off right in my eyes. I didn't see who the photographer was but I suppose he was from a newspaper.  
  
When I could see again I saw Gordon literally tearing out his hair. It's not like in the cartoons, it actually makes your head kinda bloody. I stayed to show the fire department where the fireproof safe and important papers were kept.   
  
All that was left by the time it was over at about 4 am was one wall and part of the metal support system for the lights. The fire dept guys were looking at the wiring and shaking their heads. I think I heard one say "f___ing 220 cable braided. And who the hell makes grounding connections with bow ties?" And the safe disappeared!  
  
Then the bad news hit. I was talking to Milborough Property & Casualty and I about fainted. In all the confusion with the club opening early and me being in the hospital I forgot to rearrange the insurance. The Gig was only covered by construction insurance. But since customers were there construction insurance was void -- meaningless! The actual operating insurance didn't start until payment, the check was set to be electronically deposited Sept 7 for the real open on the 9th and I forgot to re-date everything! It's a total write off, no insurance at all. What about the lawsuits?  
  
AUUGH!  
  
Gord was a little nuts for a while but there were so many police and fire around that he calmed down and said that we'd take his boat (You've seen it, right? Sixty footer, the _Don Ho_) out on the lake next weekend and discuss it.  
  
Oh, and I'm back in the hospital. Just first degree burns. There's no hair on the whole back half of my head. Mike said my skull looks like a baboon's ass. Your brother is a real comedian, April.  
  
Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Just posting to you from Toronto Pearson International Airport. In a few minutes, Kortney and I are going to Las Vegas, Nevada. We found a little money I earned from doing that electrical work at “The Gig.” Kortney has wanted to go with someone to Las Vegas and gamble for a long time. So, we are off to Sin City. She is in the airport somewhere, probably making a post to this Blog. Even though we are traveling together, I have found that she likes to leave me notes here. She is kind of playful that way. I know that the two of you have had your disagreements in the past, but the more time I spend with Kortney, the more I like her.   
  
Just to let you know, we got rid of the Mtigwakians in Toronto. They gave us a bunch of fish to pay their share of the expenses for driving them to “The Big Smoke,” like that would actually help in paying for hotel and gas. They are dreadful people. I do not know how your sister can stand to live up there. Perhaps she likes the rustic lifestyle enough to put up with the crazy people. Who knows?  
  
We took a brief trip to Milborough to go to what used to be “The Gig,” to get some of Kortney’s stuff she left there and a few other things. There were a lot of firefighters there soaking the property. The place has apparently burned to the ground. Maybe Gordon Mayes has learned the hard way it isn’t wise to threaten someone doing electrical work for them.  
  
We also had a brief get together with Becky between classes at your high school. I really needed to see her and let her know I was all right. She said the two of you were pretending to fight for some reason, but she didn’t have enough time to go into details. I should mention that Becky was very amused by Kortney’s and my disguises. She will have to tell you about it herself. She will do a much better job of it than I would.

PS. Kortney,  
  
The way I feel about those Mtigwaki people, I wouldn’t have minded a bit if you called him “schlong of small,” cover or no cover.   
  
By the by, I am looking forward to you getting a makeover and dye job. I want you to look fabulous, so I will be watching the hairdresser like a hawk. Just to let you know, sometimes hairdressers have had to tell me to back off, when I was around my friends getting their hair done. So you just let me know when I am turning it on too strong.  
  
I am so sorry you had bad times in Milborough, but we are going to have a blast in Vegas. I have good news. I got us into the Bellagio Hotel, with a room looking out over those Fountains that do the water show to music. Plus I have tickets to see the Cirque du Soleil show in the Bellagio, which you wanted to see, “O.” I hope that’s what you meant when you told me you wanted me to give you the big “O” tonight. It looks like the cast people do a lot of stunt diving into water, so it should be fun.  
Becky McGuire wrote:

wow lots going on.  
  
first things first i'm glad that gig place burned down as far as i'm concerned i think all the right people got hurt in this. anthony an' gordo r big stoopid loozers. an' ne1 who fucks with my bud howie deserves 2 go down in flames. literally.  
  
howie, great trick u pulled on them! i hope u an' kortney have fun in las vegas. i wish i wuz old enuff 2 drop out of school so i could drop out an' run away with u. 2 bad i'm not 16 yet. i hate my life. also, uncle ralph wants 2 know where 2 send ur last paycheck he owes u for 2 whole weeks so he sez it's kinda big.  
  
howie an' kortney have great disguises. howie dyed his hair black with gray streaks an' that makes it look kinda suave even with the "high forehead." he's using a stick-on long black handlebar mustache an' a goatee that's long an' waxed 2 a point. he has really kewl tinted glasses an' a black suit with a purple tie. he looks like he stepped out of the pages of gq. he figured every1 would be looking 4 a dude in a dirt-smeared t-shirt.   
  
kortney's outfit is kinda funny cuz every1 thinks of her as a pole dancer so she's got on a long plaid skirt an' a cardigan an' a white frilly blouse an' clunky black shoes an' thick black glasses. she dyed her hair gray an' put it up in a bun she looks like a old lady librarian.   
  
they're doing the fogey look so they can get the senior discounts which they hear r big in vegas.  
  
on a more serious note--apes, the more i think about it, the more pissed i get. yeah, at _u_. why should we have 2 pretend? why can't u just tell ur turnip-nose fat-ass meddling whiny bitch of a mother 2 fuck off an' let u run ur own life? i can't think of ne good reason, really. ur dad would back u up an' ur mom wouldn't really do nething mean 2 u cuz she'd know it would make her look bad an' the neighbors would talk. plus i think part of the reason u r doing this is cuz ur boyfriend doesn't like me an' it's convenient 4 u 2 just tell him we aren't bffs nemore so he will shut up abt how i'm a roadside gig with no talent.  
  
i will go along with it 4 a while but u need 2 figure out a way 2 stand up 2 ur mom. i take 2 much crap in my life already 2 put up with this 4evah.


	140. September 4,2005

I just remembered something that happened once. My mom & dad went over 2 Connie and Greg's place next door. While Mom & Connie sat outside, talking & laughing & laughing & talking, Dad & Greg looked thru the window & tried 2 guess what was so funny. Dad was all, "they're laughing at us", & when Dad & Greg went outside, they suddenly got all quiet. So Greg guessed that Dad musta been rite.

I wasn't invited, but I didn't care cuz I was in the basement, making out w/Gerald but w/out letting him get past 1st base. Even tho Gerald was all "pls baby pls baby pls." So alluva sudden, Dad comes storming in & I think I'm totally toast, but he barely notices what we're doing. "Oh, hi, Gerald. April, I need you to go next door & ask your mom what was so funny." Me: ??? Dad: "Come, on, fuzziekins, be a pal." So B4 Dad has a chance 2 call me by NE more embarrassing names, I'm all, ok, & I go next door.

"Oh, hey, Mom. Ms. Poirier. So, uh, I noticed you were laughing. What was so funny NEway?"

My mom: "April, don't you worry about what was so funny. It was about what happens between mommies and daddies, so it was none of your business!" Then she & Connie look @ each other & laugh all over again. I go back & tell Dad, & he just gets this pissy look on his face & goes back 2 his train room. After that, I just wanted 2 wash my brain. NEway, I don't even know what made me think of that day.


	141. September 4,2005 - comments

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My incomparable little cookie,  
  
I just wanted to let you know that I will be at Becky's house all day today working on a geography project. We will be making a salt-and-flour map of the topography of luxembourg. You may stop by if you like, but I know that geography is your least-favorite subject and that you probably won't want to, so please don't trouble yourself.  
  
Sincerely and devotedly your loyal and faithful monogamous lover who will do it with nobody else forever

Kortney Krelbutz wrote:

commenting on stuff from yesterday's entry:  
  
damn, i wish i did call him "schlong of small". i could call him and tell him that, but tin cans don't have phone numbers.  
  
i just love my new makeover. it's kind of chin length and bangs that can easily be brushed back. and the blonde is great. the color looks better than my last jelly fatterson (great name!) unapproved dye job. the lady also taught me how to apply makeup as the other girls did it for me back at the gig.  
  
the O show was great! i had a hard time understanding the lyrics like howie did, but it was still fun to watch. music isn't really about the lyrics to me anyway, it's about the beat of the music. thank god we didn't see celine dion. that bitch went to school with my aunt and called her all sorts of names. she wasn't much to look at back in those days so she had no right to talk.  
  
the guys that keep hitting on me were just so gross. they had all the lame pick-up lines, like "do you want to see something swell?", "i'd marry your cat just to get in the family", "want to come see my HARD DRIVE? i promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy", "you're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear", and many other gross and stupid ones, (though I have to admit that the "hard drive" one was kind of funny).   
  


April Patterson wrote:

weird thing happened. dunc sed, "let's go 2 becky's house & see her & ger. mayB we can help with that project." only when he said "project" he said it in a funny voice. i'm all, ok, let's go.  
  
so we get there, & becks's ma is sitting in her bathroom, watching _terms of endearment_ & crying while eating fudge ripple ice cream.  
  
me: hi, mrs. mcguire  
  
mrs. m: that debra winger, she's such a great actress! (sob!) oh, hi, april, i c u brought that little perv w/u. gd thing becks isn't mad @ u ne-more, duncan.  
  
dunc: yeah, mrs. mcguire, i sent becky a letter abt how sorry i am...  
  
mrs. m: yeah, yeah, yeah. sh, let me hear this part. . . .  
  
mrs. m: so what is it?  
  
dunc: we're looking 4 becky & dunc.  
  
april: they're doing a homework project?  
  
mrs. m: they are, are they? well, if they're here, they're in the garage. go ahed & lk.  
  
well, guess what? no1 in the garage. i saw ger's backpack, but no ger & no becks.   
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
We just got back from dancing. I know you are asleep and won’t read this until the morning, but I need to let you know about a conversation Kortney and I had. Kortney and I went to the Club Rio. We found a table, had a few drinks, and I said to Kortney, “Let’s dance.” She started to do a free style dance and I said, “No! I mean…dance.” Then I tried to do my best ballroom style with her. She said, “What are you doing? Only old people dance like that.” I told her how you had said ballroom dancing was what was cube these days. Kortney said, “Howie. You have got to stop taking advice from 14-year-old girls. Becky and April have both ‘been there,’ but that doesn’t make them adults.” I said, “What are you talking about? Becky and April have ‘been there’?” Kortney said, “Yeah…an’ even though you’ve ‘been there,’ that doesn’t mean you know what’s cube!”  
  
I asked Kortney where she heard this about you and Becky. She told me how she had overheard a conversation with the underage kids, The C and MC DunC and Gordon Mayes at the then-existing “The Gig” gentlemen’s club on the day she had her audition to work there. They were trying to convince Gordon to let their band play at “The Gig.” Gordon had asked them if the girls in the band put some potion in the motion, or could make some eyes bug out. She remembered MC DunC had said something like “The girls in our band have both ‘been there’ and are definitely ‘hands on and roadside’ enough to play ‘The Gig.’” Kortney said she had read enough of the posts on your Real Blog to figure out that those boys were really Gerald and Duncan, and the girls in their band were you and Becky. I know you like Duncan, but is he the kind of guy to say this sort of thing about his female friends?  
  
We are heading over to the Mirage Hotel Casino to gamble tonight. Post to you in the morning.


	142. September 5,2005

Well, the 1st day of school has come and gone, but it's probably going 2 take @ least 6 days this wk 4 me 2 discuss what happed on that 1st day. Then on Sunday, I'll talk about sumthing completely diff, but may or may not return 2 this subject the next day. Wait & see!  
  
We'd sort of rehearsed our fake fight, & we were planning 2 have a more drawn out convo about whether we can ev. have a true friendship again. But Becks had also warned me she mite wanna "improv" a bit, & her line abt having a superficial friendship? Total improv. Tomorrow, I'll discuss what we did & said next.  
  
Meanwhile, Ger & Becks were supposta B workin' on a geog project 2gether, but I cdn't find them NEwhere even tho Becks sed come on by. I mite just have been missing them, but I guess I'll B finding out?


	143. September 5,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Good news! I called Becky’s uncle Ralph to see if he knew where Becky had been. It turns out that most of the time she has been over there in his guest bedroom. I asked Ralph what she was doing over there and if she was with anyone else. Ralph informed me that he and Becky have a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. He says that is the only way Becky will feel comfortable going over there, when things get rough with her mom. He told me that when Becky’s mom and dad were together and fighting all the time, she would come over a lot. And also, over the last Christmas break she came over a lot. He said the only questions he asked Becky today were when she got up this morning if that shirt she was wearing was his (It wasn’t, which is good because he hates it when she wears his shirts.), and when she went out for breakfast to the Dine 'n' Dash Diner if she would bring him back a breakfast muffin. Ralph told me that Becky is fine, and that I did not need to cut my Las Vegas trip short on her account. I thought you would be relieved to know that she is all right.  
  
As for me and Kortney, when she got back to the hotel room from the Chapel of Love, I thought she was going to be really mad at me. Instead, she ran up to me and gave me a big hug, and started crying and talking. This went on for about an hour, and I would like to tell you what she said, but I honestly do not know. She was crying so hard, I could not understand a thing she was saying. I just held her and nodded occasionally, and that seemed to satisfy her. If she posts, maybe she can tell you and me what she was saying. Anyway, once she had calmed down, the first words she said that I understood were, “So we’ll just take it slow and enjoy whatever time we have together.” We are going to get some supper and see Danny Gans at the Mirage Hotel. I am hoping for a nice uneventful evening.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

well peeps sorry i wuz gone so long. sounds like some of u have let ur imaginations run wild an' i'm gonna try not 2 hold it against u. (apes, i'm looking at u now.)  
  
ok well on sunday morning i posted an' headed over 2 ger's house we were gonna do our luxembourg extra-credit project there cuz, well, no telling what cld happen at my house. i get there tho an' nobody answered the door but the house wuz unlocked. i go in an' nobody's home. i put my backpack down an' started looking for ger. then i found a note on the back door saying "mom, i went 2 becky's house 4 a school project, luv an' sloppy kisses, gerald" an' i slapped my own face cuz ger's wuzn't available he is so dumb sometimes! so i ran back 2 my house but forgot abt my backpack. i found ger wandering around my back yard all confused. i smacked him around a little, then we went 2 walmart 2 get some flour an' salt 2 make the playdoh. (sorry if that sounds 2 babyish 4 u dunc, but what else would u make a relief map out of?)  
  
neway, we ended up running in2 my uncle ralph at the store an' he suggested we go back 2 his place 2 do the project cuz he has a big workroom an' it doesn't matter if we get it dirty. it ended up taking us a super long time 2 get done. ger is such a dork his bedtime is usually 8:30 so even tho his parents let him stay out later he fell asleep by 9. around 11:30 so i went upstairs an' went 2 sleep in the guest room. btw that guys' shirt wuz my dad's he left some stuff at uncle ralph's b4 he went 2 jail. an' i left ger sleeping on the floor of uncle ralph's workshop.  
  
neway when we woke up in the morning we went 2 get some breakfast. i had 2 go play at the morgan's labour day party so i went 2 do that an' ger went back 2 uncle ralph's 2 finish the map.   
  
the morgans party went good i got a lot of compliments an' dr. morgan paid me my "going rate" of $500.


	144. September 6,2005

So, we were continuing our lame fake fight on day 1 of school, but Becky worked in sum real stuff, which is good 2 do when U improv. The thing about her parents having split up & the thing abt living w/her mom? True. But Becky can't visit her dad @ the prison every other weekend. He is paying 4 the voice lessons tho. & yeah, it's true about the gigs, like the Bumsteads & the Morgans. But free? Only if $500 CAD sounds like free 2 U. But we didn't want teachers being all in2 Becks's biz w/the $. Oh, & Jeremy Jones being her roadie? Becks thru that in cuz Jeremy had just asked her that morning if he cd help her out. Cuz he heard about the Bumsteads' party & thinx he mite get tip$ fr. all those rich ppl who hire Becks.  
  
I can't believe I said that stupid line about Becky _being_ a really big sound system. So, so lame. I guess I'm pretty sucky @ improv.


	145. September 6,2005 - comments

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My nosy little fluffernutter,  
  
My darling, I am sorry that I was not available to you on Sunday or Monday. I felt it was prudent to put all my effort into the extra credit project I did with Becky. My grades in social science courses have often been substandard, and I am hoping to improve myself.  
  
Also, Becky told me she would show me her boobs if I worked on the project with her. Turns out she was just kidding.  
  
Perhaps we might meet this evening at your abode and, while in the embrace of our passionate amour, you might display thy bosoms that my ever-loving eyes (and hands) might feast upon them?  
  
Up to you!  
  
Your devoted and horny boyfriend forever  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

god ger, u get more disgusting every day. an' u had to of known i wuz kidding about the boobs thing cuz i wuz laughing an' rolling my eyes when i sed it! sheesh!  
  
i talked 2 uncle ralph last nite after i got home frum the morgans' party an' he sez that ger hung out at his house all day asking him a million questions about sex. he sez that a lot of the questions were really gross an' that he's worried abt us hanging out with him especially u apes since u r dating him. he also sez that some of his pornos r missing, which is kinda funny since ralph is gay.  
  
Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I was such a nervous Nellie when you stopped posting the last 2 days. Please forgive me for making all those phone calls about you. I just wanted to make sure my bud was all right.  
  
I should be back in Milborough tomorrow, although most likely I will be in jail until they schedule my bail hearing. Maybe you can come visit me when you see your dad.  
  
Kortney is fuming about Rhetta Blum being my surety. Duncan’s lawyer said that the Blum family was well-known in Milborough and that it would help my case to have someone like her standing up for me in court.  
  
Kortney and I talked about my wearing a wedding dress at a wedding ceremony and she is adamantly against it. Who would have thought she was so traditional? She seems a lot less interested in getting married today than she did yesterday.  
  
Anyway, Kortney and I are at a crossroads. I bought 2 airplane tickets to go back to Milborough tomorrow. She hasn’t told me if she is coming with me or not. She really hates Milborough and she really likes Las Vegas. She has been making enough money gambling to pay for all our expenses and some extra. She probably could make a living out here. Most likely, the conditions for my bail will include a condition that I cannot leave town, so I will have to stay in Milborough until the trial occurs, which may take a long time. So if Kortney stays with me, she will have to endure Milborough for awhile. She has been really quiet, ever since I told her I was going back. It promises to be a miserable day.  
  


You have asked a lot of personal questions, and I can kind of understand how an adult wouldn’t want to talk about those things with someone who’s 14. You know that kind of talk could be misinterpreted as pedophilia. But you are my bud, and I told you we could talk about anything. So, here it goes:  
1\. did u do it with her?  
The answer is yes.  
2\. what's it like 2 do it with a double k person? they're supposed 2 be the height of evil wuz it thrilling?  
I don’t know about evil. Let’s just say that Kortney knows a lot of things that nobody I have ever been with knows, including the guys. Let’s also say that those things she knows feel really good.  
3\. do u think ur interested in having sexx with girls now?  
That is kind of difficult to say. Kortney is really slender, hard and wiry, so sometimes it was easy to imagine she wasn’t a girl. I don’t know how I would feel about a soft girly kind of girl, like Bea was.  
4\. is kortney good in bed?  
The answer is most definitely yes.  
5\. did she do her pole dancer moves 4 u?  
She did for a little bit, until she realized that it was not having the desired effect. That stuff is really for straight guys.  
6\. did she turn u not gay like the aliens did 2 my uncle ralph only in reverse?  
I checked my toes and there are only 5 of them. Actually, I don’t know the answer to that question. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and whether or not I should have married Kortney yesterday. I sort of benchmarked my girl love with Bea Luin, and Bea is really different from Kortney.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My delicious little Kir Royale,  
  
Gazing deep into your smoldering brown eyes over our trays in the cafeteria has had an intoxicating effect on me. I am now drunk with passionate amour, and I live solely for you.  
  
Please meet me behind the bleachers after 7th period. There I will take you into amour's sweet embrace and bring you to heights of ecstacy that no woman has previously enjoyed. I read about some naughty little tricks on the walls of the boys' washroom.  
  
Devotedly and longingly yours forever


	146. September 7,2005

That whole thing w/number 1 & number 2 sounded sooooooooooo much better in rehearsal. Remind me not 2 go in2 acting (can U imagine my dad's lecture abt how lonely an actor's life is?). After I said that, I looked ov. & noticed Ger behind us, looking--I dunno, scared & hopeful @ the same time. What, Ger, were U hoping Becky & I wd get in2 a catfight or something? BTW, some kid we don't know yelled, "Take your stupid, lame fight outside, ya foobs!" And his friend goes, "Especially U, fountainhead!" Why did I hafta listen 2 Dad when he said my hair looked good like that?!?!?!


	147. September 7,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

it's cuz if u wear ur locks long, flowing an' sexxxy like me, u will turn into a tramp an' a spoiled only child.  
  
i'm getting madder about this sitch by the day have u talked 2 ur mom yet? this is the lamest plan evah.  
  
in other news our luxembourg map got us only 4 out of 10 extra credit points cuz ger wuz supposed 2 get the ref maps frum the library an' he got stuff 4 lichtenstein not luxembourg. so we got marked off 5 out of 5 points for accuracy. thanx a lot ger!! fortunately we got 4 out of 5 points on skill an' craftsmanship, which wuz my department. mrs. prescott is thinking abt giving me the 4 points an' giving ger nothing 4 his stupidity.  
  
so all that time with ger wuz a big ol' waste an' it wuz such a pain in the ass 2. apes i don't know how u put up with him. i wuz tearing my hair out 5 minutes into r time on the project.  
  
gotta go 1st period is starting.  
  


Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My tender little tartlet,  
  
I am devastated by your revelation that while we were in the embrace of our passionate amour, you committed such a vile act of deceit upon me. Why, oh why my love? I am perplexed and befuddled by your recent reticence toward my lustful caresses. We were, as you so eloquently put it, "so together" behind the gym after grad. Since then, however, you have been, as Duncan so charmingly phrased it, "a frigid bitch."   
  
Please, oh please my love, bestow me once more with your amorous delights. For I have a wicked case of blue balls, and I fear I may require medical intervention if you don't at least give me a handjob soon.  
  
Sincerely, devotedly, and hopefully your hott love machine forever  
  
P.S.--Forgive me, Becky. Approximately 85% of the blood in my body has pooled in my testicles and has left my brain quite oxygen deprived. I was sure that Mrs. Prescott said "Liechtenstein." Rats!

April Patterson wrote:

becks, i sed 2 my mom, "i wanna talk 2 u abt becky" & she sed "not now, nose ruiner!" & gobbled yet another muffin. i will keep trying tho.  
  
ger, i m not a "frigid bitch" (shut up, dunc). i m just a bit scared & wanna take thingz slow. can't u give **yrself** a hand job? they sed in health class that this is the safest sexx.  
  


Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My tasty little persimmon,  
  
I was saving up all my passionate amour for you. Also, our priest says that you can go to hell for fondling one's own genitals. But I decided to take your always-wise advice. So, after first period, I went into the boys' room and decided to relieve myself of all my pent-up amour.  
  
Unfortunately, a group of lads in Grade 12 heard me thus relieving myself. They proceeded to do unspeakable things to me, and then they gave me a swirlie that went on so long that I passed out.   
  
I woke up in the nurse's office a few minutes ago. She demanded that I explain to her what I was doing passed out on the boys' room floor, covered in toilet water, and with my member exposed for all and sundry to gaze upon. When I told her the answer, she said, "That isn't the kind of behavior one normally expects from a Patterson," and then she called your mother.  
  
The nurse went out to confer with the principal, so I'm using her computer to write this. 

In my defense,I’d kept popping boners right and left! That ugly girl in first period, Jenny Kelly, saw that I had a boner and she hit me over the head with her binder! Mrs. Prescott noticed my boner when we turned in our Luxembourg project, and she and Becky started cracking jokes at my expense! Here's a sample:  
  
Mrs.P: How do you know when a boy is going out with a Patterson girl?  
  
Becky: I don't know, how?  
  
Mrs.P: He gets blue balls so permanent that the P.E. department uses them for the Grade 11 racquetball tournament.  
  
My darling, please take pity on me.  
  
Your hott and horny lover forever

April Patterson wrote:

aw, ger, u r making me blush again!!!

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April, when I get back to Milborough, let me take a look at your hair. Your family may require it to be put up (I remember Elizabeth was particularly obsessed with it. The only time I ever saw her with her hair down was when I “attacked” her and I am sure it was back up in a bun shortly after that.), there are ways to put it up that don’t give you an antenna head, and still keep the boys away. There is a way to twist your hair so that it looks like a pair of scissors cutting at a phallus, which sends the boys a very clear message. Also, be careful around Gerald. That pillow thing was a mistake. You can tell from his posts today, it just got him excited. Remember, you don’t want to end up in the family way, just to keep someone’s testicles the correct colour.  
  
Becky, I am supposed to meet with Duncan’s lawyer when I get to town and we will go together to the police station so I can be officially arrested. The court date for my bail hearing has to be set within 24 hours of the arrest. I doubt that I will be able to communicate with you in jail, but if you stop by and visit me when you come to see your dad, I could tell you then. Probably the easiest way is for me to have Duncan’s lawyer call you when he finds out the time of the bail hearing. I am so glad to have the support of my bud.  
  
I am posting from the Minneapolis airport. I am waiting here for a plane connection back to Toronto. Kortney decided not to come with me back to Milborough. When it was time to leave Las Vegas she told me to think of her as a girl who has gone into a coma, who may wake up and come back to me someday, when she is ready. She said that she was going to stop being “Kortney” for a while, and start a search for her true self.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

oh howie i wish u would come back 2 m-boro but wear a disguise an' hide frum the cops. i don't want u 2 have 2 go 2 jail.  
  
my dad sez 2 tell u not 2 worry abt jail tho. he is "top dog thor" in there an' he sez he "has the whole place wired." i dunno what that means but i do know he gets a lot of special stuff that most prisoners don't get an' he can get u 1 phone call per day or 10 minutes on the 'puter. i guess he has sum dirt on a guard or something.  
  
i also think that if kortney makes u happy u should marry her. mayb i've been living in m-boro 2 long an' i caught the "every1 should get married" disease but i would like 2 know that u r with some1 who will be nice 2 u.  
  
speaking of teenage sex i ran in2 jeremy jones by my locker at lunch i had 2 tell him about the gig that's coming up out at the m-boro lutheran retirement home. well when i got done telling him 2 bring the big amps (old folks have bad hearing), jeremy kissed me! it happened real fast an' then he ran away b4 i could say nething. it wuz so weird. but kinda nice. he's cute. but i don't know i don't want 2 get hurt i m afraid he will do like jeff an' pretend 2 like me 1 day then change his mind after he gets what he wants so i think i will just play it kewl. what do u think apes?

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Dear Rebecca,  
  
In my humble opinion, you should surrender to Jeremy's passionate amour and perform coitus with him. Then you should come tell us all about it, sparing nothing in the way of detail.   
  
I told the nurse my problem and she recommended a strict regimen of three self-administered handjobs per day, with an option for more as needed. I told her what my priest said, but she told me she would write me a prescription, and that would make it okay. So I may have this unfortunate boner problem licked. Well, not "licked" exactly--though that would be my preferred cure. But alas, 'tis not to be. At least not until my angel is sixteen.  
  
So Becky, my point is, I need beat-off material. The nurse said I would probably need to utilize stimulating materials.  
  
April, I will see you in five minutes in our usual place! I am doing my tongue exercises to limber up.   
  
Devotedly your passionate love

Becky McGuire wrote:

ok well i met up with jeremy after school at uncle ralph's since that's where i've been storing the used sound equipment i got. i showed everything 2 jeremy an' he actually knows some stuff abt it so that's good i could barely follow what that sound guy at the light opera told me.   
  
nehow i wuz nervous but i asked him how come he kissed me. then he got all uncomfortable he wuz looking at his shoes an' he finally sed, "well ur cute." that wuz so awesome!! i wuz abt to go kiss him when he sed, "an' ur not friends with that apeshit fatterson foob nemore, so ur kewl." and that wuz so totally awful! i told jeremy that we were still friends an' he sed, "oh" an' didn't say nething 4 awhile but then he sed, "but ur still cute."   
  
it's still totally cube that he likes me like that but i told him that i can't have a bf who hates my bff cuz that's how it is with apes an' ger an' me right now an' it totally suxx. then jeremy sed, "well i don't hate apeshit i just think she's a ez target u can tell it really bugs her when i call her names." so i told him 2 cut it out cuz that's not cube with me. he sed he would try an' then he kissed me again only this time we kissed for like 10 minutes an' with tongue!! an' he is a totally awesome kisser not like jeff he like slobbered all over my face an' kept grabbing my butt an' boobs but jeremy wuz a lot nicer.  
  
then when we got done kissing i asked him what that meant we were now an' he sed he didn't know so i sed that 4 now we r just friends who kiss sometimes an' we'll see where it goes cuz i don't want a guy who is always hating on my bff.   
  


April Patterson wrote:

well, ger & i met in our usual place & started 2 make out. ger's a good kisser 2, which u mite not expect fr. how he sumtymz acts other times. so i'm getting in2 this, but then he tries to slide his hand under my shirt. & since it's that uniform shirt which is tucked in2 my skirt that means he totally tries untucking my shirt w/1 hand while shoving the other under & so i just pushed him away & said, "let's go, we'll be late 4 class". then he mumbled something about blue balls & rosy palm & her 5 sisterz, whatev. that means.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I hope you guys will have fun on your double date. Please be sure to tell me how it goes.  
  
I am at the lawyer’s office now. He is in the other room with 2 French ladies and a baby. I can hear him saying things like, “No. Mrs. Caine. For the last time I will not consider my lawyer’s fees a gift for your baby shower. No. I will not consider holding your baby as a compensation for my time.” And the French ladies are saying, “We haff ze pictairs of heem riding ze naked streepair avec ze prophylactic on heez haid.” And the lawyer saying, “That’s worthless. Half the men in Milborough were riding strippers with prophylactics on their head that night.”  
  
While I am waiting for the lawyer to be done with them, I am posting on his computer. I thought I would have enough money from Kortney’s winnings to make bail, but I was wrong. I am going to have to depend on Rhetta Blum as my surety. As I left my apartment to come here, Gordon’s 2 goons plus 2 other huge guys and a small skinny guy were waiting for me. The small skinny guy said, “Mr. Kelpfroth. You have some accounts to settle with Mr. Mayes and one way or the other they will be settled. There is a sum of money that was removed from Mr. Mayes’ safe, which I believe you took. There are the reparation costs for 'The Gig' that burned down, thanks to your practical joke with the electrical wiring. Plus, there are the amortization fees and the interest.” I said, “Reparation costs? Didn’t you have insurance on the place?” The skinny man said, “Unfortunately not. ‘The Gig’ was only covered by construction insurance and not actual operating insurance. The man responsible for that mistake is going to get the heave-ho off the Don Ho next weekend. A long walk off of a short boat. He will be trying on some heavy swimming shoes. You get my drift?” I said I did. Then I said, “How much do I owe you?” The skinny man told me the amount and I handed over almost all of my money. He counted the money and he looked surprised. Then he said, “Mr. Kelpfroth, you are remarkably well-prepared. I believe this closes our accounts with you. Good day.”


	148. September 8,2005

After the phony fight w/Becks, Gerald cd tell something was bothering me, & he stayed w/our whole theme by telling me "Don't let Becky get you down, April. We can find another lead singer." But it wasn't Becky getting me down, it was me getting me down. I mean, I know Laura made a big deal @ the farm abt ppl coming 2 see me, but like I said B4, they cd have been coming for the food or 2 borrow stuff. Or mayB they just like Unk Danny & Auntie Bev. It cd happen. They R pretty nice & all. So I'm just feeling like my guitar playing is kinda lame. Did U notice that neither Dunc nor Ger said NEthing like, "But April, yr guitar playing is really good"? No, they just made lame not-jokes. "Ovah". "Disbanded". I guess if even my bandmates can't bring themselves 2 say I'm good, then I musta been right about my lamitude.  
  
NEway, I'll tell U some more abt this 2morrow, if U R still awake then. . . . 2day, guess what? I'm wearing my hair down! U got it! Down! Of course, it'll turn out that no1 has a camera or NEthing & it'll B like it nev. happened. But here's the dealio. After I passed Mom's "hair inspection" this morning & got on the bus, I took my hair down out of the propellor bun. Nothing fancy, just down & brushed out. Some kids @ school actually thought I was new. & some were all "Where's April Patterson? Is she in school 2day?" I'd better remember to rebun B4 I get home, tho.


	149. September 8,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

god apes u need 2 chill! just cuz i left the band doesn't mean ur a bad musician! an' just cuz dunc an' ger r 2 stupid 2 know when u need a compliment doesn't mean it either.  
  
ok so here's some compliments. the first 1 is that u r an xxxcellent guitar player an' i think u an' me r tied for, like, best musicians in the high school an' u r easily the best guitarist i heard that jeremy duncan guy an' he's not nearly as good as u. the second is that i still want u 2 join me on gigs sometimes. the only reason i didn't want u at the morgans party is that crap with ur mom an' i wuz mad. third i bet u an' i r prolly the best in all of m-boro i heard ur grandpa's band that one time an' they're not as good as u--an' their guitarist had like 90 years of practice!!  
  
ok do u feel better yet?  
  


April Patterson wrote:

thanx, becks, those compliments r just what i needed 2 hear! geez, boyz can't take a hint 2 save their lives!  
  
becks, i know u r anxious abt the hearing & i hope it goes well. howard, it soundz fr. yr last post like u've got friendz on the force so that can't hurt! god, my fam's got such a bad rep, i totally have 2 leave m-boro when i'm old enuf!  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Just to let you know. The bail hearing is over and I am back at my lawyer’s office. He was quite angry with me for writing all that stuff down last night, without him being present and told me to never do it again. In a few minutes, I am supposed to go back to the police station with my lawyer to talk with a Sgt. Renforth, RCMP Millborough who is apparently the lead on Operation Navette. My lawyer said that he will try to work a plea bargain, despite all the information that I gave away for free last night. He said that the Crown generally doesn't enter into plea bargains with respect to sexual assault charges without the victims' consent because of the public safety issue from having allegedly assaulted three women. In exchange for my cooperation, the Crown might agree to a plea bargain, but that agreement does not necessarily bind the sentencing judge.  
  
In any case, I am out of jail for now. The trial, if it even occurs, will not take place for several months. Rhetta Blum was at the bail hearing to pay my bail and act as my surety. She said she wanted to talk to me about something, once I got done with Sgt. Renforth. She asked me where Kortney was, and I told her she was in Las Vegas. Rhetta seemed very happy to hear that for some reason.   
  
I also got to see Becky and meet Jeremy for the first time. He seems nice. They are almost complete opposites. Jeremy seems so shy compared to Becky’s outgoingness. Becky may not be aware of this, but Jeremy really likes her. He was looking at her all through my bail hearing.

Duncan Anderson wrote:

Im sorry Apes that I didnt post sooner. I had 2 make up that play-dough geography project I missed @ school an' I did a play-dough map of the Netherlands an' the teacher got mad @ me 'cos its 2 ez an' gave me detention 2 do a play-dough map of Nepal an' it took me 4ever 'cos the play-dough mountains kept falling over.  
  
NEway, I think u r a gr8 guitar player. Remember when I asked u 2 B in the MC DunC band? I wouldnt ask u 2 B in my band if u suck.  
  
Im sorry abt the bad pun. I never used 2 do that. I think mayB I spent 2 much time w/ yr dad last summer.  
  
L8r.  
  
p.s. Beckers, Mrs. Prescott has a big mouth an' Im going 2 sue her when Im 18. MayB u should sue her 2.

Becky McGuire wrote:

why would i sue her? just cuz she gave me a bad grade on my map of luxembourg that was really lichtenstein? or cuz of that funny joke she made abt gerald? i kind of like mrs. p she told me i could do a new project its a map of all the rivers in europe. i'm surprised she made u do nepal we're not doing asia until like 5 weeks frum now.  
  
ok funny thing that just happened jeremy is over here an' we went down 2 the corner store 2 get a soda an' on the way we saw gerald. he wuz walking along pushing his bicycle an' kinda hunched over an' i sed 2 him, "hey ger, i hope u didn't miss ur 4 o'clock wank!" an' jeremy laughed real hard. then ger gets all mad an' goes, "ur stupid boyfriend broke my manly equipment! now i'll never get 2 make sweet sweet luv 2 my little macaroon!" i started laughing an' that made ger super mad an' he yells this next part real loud:  
  
"DO U KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS 2 GET A BONER WHEN UR DICK'S ALL SMASHED UP?!?"  
  
omg we were laughing so hard we couldn't stop an' peeps were coming out their houses 2 see what all the commotion wuz about an' gerald really freaked. he tried 2 get on his bike an' ride off but he seized up in pain an' fell off in2 the grass in this one old lady's yard. he wuz laying there grabbing his privates an' moaning in front of all these ppl.   
  
so some of the peeps asked us what his problem wuz an' jeremy sed, "he's dating a patterson girl an' his private parts r all swollen up frum the frustration." an' all the peeps said "oh!" an' nodded like they knew what he wuz talking about. but the old lady got mad an' sed, "well he shouldn't b trying 2 relieve the pressure on my lawn!" an' she turned her hose on him. she chased gerald down the street spraying him an' yelling, "u tell that patterson girl 2 just let u get 2 third base already! that's ur cure! not laying on my lawn playing with urself!"

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

It has been another strange evening for me. As you may remember, I was supposed to go out with Rhetta Blum for drinks. I went to meet Rhetta at her work. She has a really nice office and I guess she had told me she was a partner in her company, but I had forgotten that. She has leather chairs and a solid mahogany desk and some nice prints on the walls.  
  
After she toured me around her office, we left and went to this place she knows. We ordered supper, because she hadn’t had any yet, being a workaholic I guess. It seemed like a pretty lively place, although there were a lot of ladies there with their grandfathers, or they could have just been those May-December relationships where someone is in it only for the money. Some of them were definitely May-December because they were holding hands, dancing and occasionally kissing. I tried not to be grossed out.  
  
Shortly after we got there, this group of women came over to see Rhetta. One of them was Shawna-Marie, whom I met once before at April’s house that day when she was sad after she ate the meat from that animal I shall not mention in case April is reading this. Shawna-Marie took Rhetta aside and they were talking and pointing at me, and I was feeling really awkward. Then Rhetta asked me if I would come over to where she was standing with the other ladies. The ladies just stood there looking at me up and down and not saying anything. I checked myself to make sure I was zipped up and to make sure I didn’t have any food on me or hadn’t worn checks with stripes. Then the women started high-fiving Rhetta, and slapping her on the back, and generally telling her congratulations. Then they walked off. Shawna-Marie lingered for a moment and whispered to me, “It should have worked when I did it.” Rhetta would not tell me what was going on, and every time I asked her, she just beamed over at the other ladies who were staring at us from a distance.  
  
Then we had dinner, which was pretty good, although they put a little too much pepper on their steaks and the food arrangement on the plate did not have enough colour in it. Then Rhetta excused herself to go powder her nose and as soon as she passed through the restroom door, all hell broke loose.   
  
I think every woman in the place started running at me, although that could be an exaggeration. I thought I must be on fire or something. I didn’t smell smoke and as I was trying to see what started them running, the first one that got to me jumped on me and put her tongue where a tongue should not go. She wasn’t there for a second, when she was wrenched off me by another woman, who also put her tongue in that place where I don’t like tongues. Another lady punched her hard across the face and then she put her tongue in that spot where tongues don’t belong. By this point, there was a mob of them pulling and tugging at me from all directions, with their tongues all headed for that location where a tongue should not lie. Then some men came and started pulling the women off of me. When Rhetta came out of the bathroom they lectured her and said things like, “What were you thinking leaving a young gay man alone in a straight club in Milborough?” Rhetta seemed to have a strange combination of embarrassment and pride as she led me outside. Meanwhile, I was dripping in saliva, with scratches all over my body, particularly near that vicinity that does not need saliva from tongues.  
  
She was all “poor baby, let me take you home and take care of you.” So then she drove me back to my place and I took off my wet clothes. I remember I was wearing my favorite fluffy pink bathrobe and matching slippers while she was putting antibacterial ointment on my cuts and then I must have blacked out. When I woke up, I was lying in bed without my fluffy bathrobe and without my Kelly green briefs, and Rhetta was lying on top of me dressed in a similar fashion, except she was wearing my slippers. She was snoring and she was kind of sweaty, which looks good on models in photo shoots, but it is sort of stinky in real life. I carefully rolled her off me and decided to post this note to you.

Michael Patterson wrote:

RHETTTTTTAAAAAA!!!!!


	150. September 9,2005

After the 1st day of school, I stopped by 2 visit Gramps @ the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace & he cdn't believe we were breaking up the band. I told him what Becky'd said about "not good enough" (tho she'd actually said "good enough, but not for me"--which can ev. B taken a coupla diff wayz, but U know me when I'm in a funk). So Gramps is all, well U had fun & isn't that the pt (but notice he didn't say "U guyz rawk!" Hhmmmm). So he said he cd go on & on about "good enough" & 2 stop him (U don't wanna let Gramps go on & on about NEthing, believe me) I was, like, "That's good enough" & gave him a kiss on the cheek, which almost alwayz helps with the Gramps shut-ups. But now I'm a bit ashamed cuz that sounded like more Patterson lame trying-2-B wordplay.  
  
BTW, Gerald is home sick fr. school. He's sitting in bed with an icepack on his, um, boy area, fr. that kick Jeremy Jones gave him (defending Becky's honour). I don't know whether he'll feel good enough (hey, here we go again!) 2 post 2day, but here's a get-well shout out 2 ya, Ger!


	151. September 9,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

don't worry it's ok 2 use the patterson wordplay when it's 4 good an' not 4 evil. an' getting ur gramps 2 shut up is both good AND hard 2 do.   
  
i wuz really kinda happy that jeremy defended my honor like that but i asked him not 2 smash ger's privates again. i'm afraid he might get suspended 4 fighting or something. i guess u r prolly glad 2 get some rest frum ger's constant hounding u 4 sex tho, huh apes?  
  


Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My ponytailed little pixie,  
  
I am indeed home today so that I might convalesce peacefully. The doctor told me that I might go to school with an ice pack in my pants if I liked, but he did indicate that he believed "Big Ger an' the Twins," as he so crudely dubbed them, would heal more quickly if they were not disturbed by any of the unfortunate roughhousing that seems to befall me any time I attempt to utilize the restroom facilities at the high school.  
  
In the interests of giving a complete medical history, I explained to Dr. Schlanger all about the recent travails my manly bits have suffered, what with the frustrations of dating a chaste and virginal Patterson girl and all. Upon inspecting the boys more closely, the doctor remarked that I did appear to have a chronic swelling problem in that area that was aggravated by the more recent acute trauma. I showed him my prescription from the nurse, and he said that was a fine start, but that I clearly was not receiving ample enough relief from the prescribed self-ministrations.  
  
So I asked the doctor what to do about my problem, and he said, "Well, I saw on Dateline that you can't hardly walk down the halls of high schools these days without tripping over scores of girls giving blowjobs. Why don't you try that? Here, I'll write you a prescription so they'll give you a hall pass." Naturally, I was quite upset by this, and reminded him that I am both a Catholic and happily betrothed to a chaste Patterson girl. So he made two copies of the prescription, one for you April, and one for Father O'Casey.  
  
Phase One of my treatment should be over in three days, my love. Shall we make an appointment for Monday? I'm thinking in our regular place behind the gym, after 4th period--?

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I was going to try your plan of saying, "so...wow...last night...that was kind of...wow" when Rhetta woke up. But while I was waiting for her to wake up, I got tired and fell asleep. I think it was because I didn’t get much sleep the night before in the jail. Anyway, when I woke up, Rhetta was gone. I called over to her office, and her secretary said she was in a meeting all morning and couldn’t be disturbed. So I left a message. I am pretty sure the intimate stuff occurred though, because when I was bathing this morning, I had to wash off flakes of stuff that normally comes from women after those kinds of situations. I hope that doesn’t sound too crude. I think you are right that I have feelings for Kortney. I miss her, and wish she were here so I could do posts with her and other things. On the other hand, I was thinking about all those women last night, and I think I know why Rhetta did the things she did. Being a single woman in Milborough probably leads you to some pretty desperate acts. After all, why would a woman as attractive as Elizabeth, even consider a prematurely aged married man with a child as a potential spouse? That aging thing has got to make the women crazy in this town. I am so sorry, Becky. Now that Jeremy Jones has developed an interest in you, those thoughts have to be going through your head too. That was a thoughtless thing for me to say to you. My point is I don’t think I am really mad at Rhetta anymore, maybe kind of sorry for her. Plus, it really could have been any one of those women that put drugs in my food. Rhetta could have just been taking advantage of something that someone else did.  
  
I am off to my new job at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace. I hope you are right about the cookies and fruitcake. I think I am one of the few people alive who actually likes fruitcake. When I was young, I was told it was because I was fruity, which at the time I thought was a compliment.  
  
April,  
  
I am so glad you took my advice on talking with your grandfather. You should definitely keep your band together, and I hope you will invite me to hear a performance some day. I hope I get to meet your grandfather today. He sounds like a really cube guy.

Becky McGuire wrote:

hi howie. ok 1st off i dont think u were being 2 crude when u sed that thing about flakes i think every1 knows about dandruff they have commercials 4 the special shampoo on tv. i'm sure rhetta prolly wouldn't want other peeps 2 know she has it but we won't tell. still tho i don't get how u know u did sex stuff with her just cuz some of her dandruff got on u. i think u guyz prolly did tho. wow howie gerald is prolly super jealous!  
  
o the premature aging thing--i think abt it sometimes but not 2 often. 1st of all it doesn't kick in until u grad frum high school or turn 18 whichever comes last so i can date all thru high school an' not worry about it. then if i decide 2 keep a guy i meet in m-boro there r a couple things i can do 2 prevent the aging. i could just move away an' that's prolly what i'll do. but also we could live near the edge of town that's what my parents did an' u've seen my dad he's like major studly an' doesn't look old at all. (of course he does sometimes do it with guyz so mayb that's what helps him?) neway, i figure i have a few years 2 decide what 2 do.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I am so filled with emotion now. I haven’t had a party in my honor since I had my premier with the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera, for doing the part of Susanna in Mozart’s “The Marriage of Figaro.” It really touches me that you would even think of doing such a thing. You are a true friend. I will definitely be there at 11. I guess you would prefer me to wear a guy bathing suit, or can I wear my bikini? I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. If it’s all right to wear the bikini, I need to make sure that it is not the same design as April’s. We wouldn’t want that fashion faux pas. Anyway, I can’t wait to get home and start marinating some steaks. The Kelpfroth family is known for its marinades. Are there any vegetarians in the crowd? I do have a recipe for a vegetarian hamburger that’s not too bad.  
  
By the by, don’t worry about Rhetta. I have to see her from time to time, since she is my surety, but I don’t have to take her to parties. As for Rhetta and the flakes. It’s not dandruff. I know that since you haven’t gone roadside with anyone, you probably don’t know this, but the female juices dry up in the open air and make flakes. I am feeling really crude now for even telling you that. Pardon me.  
  
My first day at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace seems to be going well. I was introduced to the doorman Fergus, who goes by Fergie and they gave me a tour of the place and let me know what I am supposed to do. The custodians even have access to a computer so I can post on my breaks. I haven’t gotten to know the residents yet, except for one fellow who was wandering the halls and holding his right cheek. He grabbed my arm and said, “She kissed me. She kissed me. 2 of my grandchildren are good-for-nothing goof balls who haven’t visited me in over 3 years. But I have one grandchild who is a sweet angel that visits all the time and she kissed me. I haven’t been this happy since we bombed the Jerries in the Big One.” I didn’t get his name, but he seemed pretty pleasant.  
  
Becky McGuire wrote:

lucky u howie u already met grandpa jim! now u just have 2 meet iris an' u'll be hooked in2 the best cookie connection in the building.  
  
i still don't get what u mean about the flakes an' i don't know what kinds of juices r the female 1s like is orange juice a girl juice? i m partial 2 5 alive myself but apes likes cranicot. whatever kind rhetta likes i think it's weird that she would b throwing it around during sex stuff but i guess u sometimes hear about people using food during sex like whipped cream. oh well. i think i'm 2 young 2 hear about that kind of stuff neway howie. i know i'm curious an' all but it feels weird 2 talk 2 u about that cuz i think of u as my brother an' hearing about ur brother's sex life is just ick. apes told me that when she heard mike talking 2 mr. p 1 time about his honeymoon she threw up in her mouth a little. i kinda feel like that.  
  
wow i wuz thinking we would do hamburgers cuz that's what i can afford out of my allowance but if u wanna bring steaks that is way cube! i don't think there r ne vegetarians. i m gonna invite my math tutor jason fox who comes frum a veggie family but he eats meat. dunc eats only meat he sez veggies r 4 pussies.  
  
u can wear ur bikini that's cube with me. i doubt u an' apes have the same 1 since she shops in the juniors department an' ur in "pretty plus" rite? i m gonna wear the bathing suit my uncle ralph bought me when we visited him at his vacation house on fire island. it's a 1 piece but it is super cute.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

You won’t believe it but after I got home, there was someone knocking at my door. I opened it and there in front of me was none other than Rhetta Blum. I told her I was a little unhappy at being drugged last night. She said she was sorry and gave me a dozen pink carnations and a box of chocolates as an apology. I put the flowers in a vase. They are really quite lovely. Then Rhetta said, “Don’t you want to try the candy?” I told her that I wasn’t going to eat any drugged candy, so she might as well throw it in the trash. This made her look sad for a bit. Then she took the box and said, “See. The wrapper is still on it.” Then she said, “Now pick any piece in the box and I will eat it in front of you to prove it’s not drugged.” So I picked a piece and gave it to her, and she put it in her mouth, chewed and swallowed. I waited a minute or two and she didn’t seem to have a reaction. So I figured it was all right to have some. I had a nice cherry cordial and a coconut cream and an almond caramel. It was pretty good stuff.  
  
Rhetta is in the bathroom now, and so I thought I would post you to let you know that I think she and I could be friends after all.


	152. September 10,2005

Yeah, I was gonna give this post a title that had something 2 do w/4-Evah not being "ovah" but I cdn't bring myself 2, not when I've got a pool party 2 look forward 2! NEway, after I stopped by Gramps's place last week, Ger, Dunc, & I decided 2 start practicing again. Gramps is so gonna think this was all cuz of his "good enough" talk, but it's not. I was already starting 2 come out of my funk on my own, & when it looked like Gramps was gonna go on 4 days & days about "good enough" I decided that was as good a time as NE. Gah, I mean one conversation can seem 2 go on 4 a month in my world! I stopped by my dad's practice 2 make sure it was OK 2 practice @ Ger's, & when I left, he was hangin' out w/ Dr. "Morsel". I have a feeling my dad musta made some lame "Patterson" comment 2 Morsel after I left, but I guess I don't care. . . .

Well, Becks's party starts in three hours. Whooooooooo! I'm gonna wear that bikini I didn't get a chance to wear this summer, & I'm bringing my guitar cuz Becky wants us 2 have a sing-along. Ger changed his mind from yesterday, when he said he wasn't gonna go. He talked 2 his doc again & promised he'd sit in a lounge chair & take it EZ, & the doc said OK.


	153. September 10,2005 - comments

Rhetta Blum wrote:

Becky,  
  
I see that my man Howard is going to your pool party today. Since Howard is now my boyfriend, I would like to meet his friends. I hope you don’t mind if I come along with Howard to your party.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I just woke up. Rhetta Blum is here wearing a bikini under a swim dress and she swears that you invited her to the pool party. I would rather her not be there. Did you invite her? I am going to get dressed while I wait for your answer. I am pretty fuzzy on what happened to me last night, but I can tell you that I am going to empathize with Gerald today.

Duncan Anderson wrote:

I wasnt online last nite so I didnt c Beckers pool party invite soon enuf. Beckers, I dunno y u invited me when u dont even like me but it was nice of u I guess. I dont no if my 'rents would of let me go 2 yr place neway 'cos they whisper alot abt yr mom.  
  
I dunno y Im in the Patterson family album. When I was eating seafood surprise the time Apes an' Liz ran away, Mrs. P. said she wished she had a son like me so mayB thats y Im there.  
  
Apes, my dad says u an' yr mom r going shopping 2morrow so I dont halfta go 2 the choo-choo play date. MayB Ill go c Ger.   
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Rhetta and I dropped off Jeremy a few minutes ago. His mother was pretty angry and was looking all around the car for you for some reason. I told her that it wasn’t your fault Jeremy got hurt, but she was not inclined to listen. On the way back from the hospital to Becky’s house, we had to separate Becky and her mom because they were fighting so much. Becky’s mom sat in the front while Rhetta drove. Becky and Jeremy sat in the back with me. Becky asked me to close my eyes and turn my head for awhile, and I did. After we dropped off Becky and her mom at Becky’s house, Jeremy was humming and smiling a lot the whole way to his house. His head didn’t seem to be hurting him at all.  
  
I am so glad that I didn’t hurt Gerald with that spatula. The way he was screaming and rolling around on the ground, I was sure I had done some real damage. And April thank you so much for helping me pull Mrs. McGuire out of the pool. You were setting a good example for other people I shall not name, who were just standing around and muttering, “Drown. Drown.”  
  
Have fun shopping with your mom. I know that moms usually have a terrible fashion sense. Just make sure she doesn’t make you wear a t-shirt or tights under a dress. That would be such a fashion faux pas. You have a nice figure and you should show it off.  
  
I must apologize for Rhetta’s behaviour at the party. I told her all afternoon that she is not my girlfriend, but she doesn’t seem to believe me. We are back at my place now. She wants to spend the night tonight and I told her no. For some reason, that didn’t seem to bother her. She said she has some legal paperwork from her being my surety, that she wants me to sign and seal. I told her that I would do that, but then after that she has to leave. Don’t worry. I plan to read that paperwork very carefully to make sure that there are no “boyfriend” clauses in it. I will post to you after I am done with that.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

oh brother i just finally got free 2 post. dunc, u will not blieve what happened at the pool party 2day.  
  
jeremy got there early 2 help me set up an' we were having a really good time he kissed me an' promised that he wouldn't pick fights with ger or make fun of apes. so i thought the day would go real good. well it didn't. first howie came an' he wuz carrying the steaks but also yelling an' at first i couldn't understand why he wuz yelling but then i saw he had rhetta with him an' she wuz all pissed cuz howie wuz wearing his bikini an' she doesn't think that's a good look 4 her man. an' howie wuz trying 2 tell her he wuzn't her man. an' i got all upset cuz i wanted the party 2 be my howie time an' rhetta just horns in on everything with him lately. so i sed 2 rhetta i sed, "hey u ferret-faced date rapist, who the fuck invited u?" that did not go over well as u may imagine. rhetta got mad an' tried 2 pull my hair an' howie an' jeremy had 2 get between us.   
  
well while we were still kinda scuffling apes an' ger showed up. apes looked way hawtt in her tiny weeny bikini, but ger looked like a dumbass he wuz wearing a giant athletic cup under his speedo! neway ger saw me an' rhetta trying 2 go at it an' he got all excited an' started yelling, "let 'em go! let 'em fight! oh baby! yes! oh yes!" then suddenly he fell over on the cement clutching at his privates i guess the girlfight gave him a boner an' he's under strict orders not 2 get boners until he's healed. apes got mad an' hit him over the head with her flip-flops but it turned out he scraped himself up bad on the pavement so she stopped she felt sorry 4 him.  
  
well apes went inside 2 get some bandaids an' bactine from my mom an' i guess mom decided 2 come out in the backyard an' c what wuz going on that peeps were getting hurt. well while apes patched ger up mom started 2 hit on howie a little. mom has always liked how a man looks in women's clothing funny thing my dad kind of likes 2 wear them sometimes 2. so rhetta an' mom kinda got in2 it, especially when mom started licking howie all over an' yelling, "tell me when i hit the magic spot!"  
  
so i finally managed 2 shove mom back in the house an' things started 2 go ok. howie cooked r stakes an' they were really good. the only problem wuz when howie wuz flipping a steak an' rhetta tried 2 stick her hand down his bikini bottoms. it surprised howie an' he let go of the hot spatula an' it went flying an' hit ger rite in the crotch. he screeched like a little girl an' jumped in the pool even tho he had strict doctor's orders not 2 do anything that mite be strenuous on his dick muscles. apes hauled him out of the pool an' ger wuz gasping an' going all, "mouth 2 mouth, i need mouth 2 mouth!" but apes didn't buy it.  
  
ok so we had steak an' then we played chicken in the pool it wuz jeremy's brite idea which i didn't think wuz so smart but whatever. ger wuzn't supposed 2 play but he didn't want 2 look like a pussy in frunt of jermey. well we started playing me on jer an' apes on ger an' rhetta on howie's shoulders but when rhetta got close 2 me she pulled my hair! so i slapped her face real hard. then she scratched my arm an' tore my swimsuit! i jumped off jer's shoulders an' took rhetta down with me an' we were fighting underwater an' really going at it when we heard some screaming an' popped up 2 check it out. turned out ger got another boner an' almost drowned. so we all got out of the pool.  
  
well mom heard the screaming an' came out an' she had saw rhetta beating on me an' she goes like, "missy i have had enuff of u--get off my property!" an' rhetta goes, "howie, let's go!" an' mom grabs his arm an' goes, "no, he's staying with me!" then rhetta grabbed the plate the steaks came on an' smashed it over mom's head. well mom grabbed a pool chair an' went 2 smash rhetta with it but she got jeremy instead. he went down like a sack of bricks an' fell in the pool. rhetta took advantage of our surprise an' shoved mom in the pool too at the deep end an' every time she came up 4 air, rhetta would push her head down again. howie finally wrestled her off an' the rest of us dove in 2 get jer an' mom. all the while, rhetta wuz chanting "drown, drown" like a woman posessed it wuz fuckin' creepy.  
  
well i guess the neighbors saw the fighting an' called 911. our family has kind of a bad rep in the 'hood 4 the domestic violence. so the ambulance came an' they took mom an' jer an' ger off 2 the hospital. the cops wanted 2 arrest rhetta but apes took pity on her an' used her good name as a patterson to beg off 4 her. not really sure why she did that.   
  
neway, howie rhetta apes an' me went 2 the hospital in their car. jeremy had 2 get some stitches mom clocked him good. he's gonna have a scar above his eye but he sez that will make him look tuff. mrs. jones doesn't think its so kewl tho she is already talking about suing my mom who she sez is "a notorious drunk" even tho mom has had nothing more then beer since the nite of the uncle bill episode.   
  
ger just had 2 have his man-meat put back in2 traction. i thought he wuz making up this dr. schlanger person but he's real an' he is a perv! he let us all watch while he messed with ger's schlong an' he even sed 2 me an' apes, "u know, u girls could really aid in this boy's recovery i could show u some helpful techniques!" an' he actually started 2 demonstrate some on ger!!! ger seemed 2 enjoy it but mrs. jones started yelling an' sed something about reporting him 2 the ethics board. neway, he sez ger should be normal-ish again by monday.  
  
mom is ok they had 2 suction a bunch of water out her lungs but not 2 bad. the whole way home she wuz ranting about how first thing monday she's draining the pool an' filling it in with cement. also she started 2 talk about having rhetta "erased," saying she could have it done with just 1 phone call 2 my dad, but i asked her not 2 an' so she shut up about it. partly cuz i don't know what happens 2 howie if his surety dies, but mostly cuz rhetta wuz driving an' when mom started 2 talk like that, rhetta kinda went nuts an' i m 2 young 2 die.  
  
howie i m not very happy with u 4 telling that jeremy an' i had some private time 2gether on the way home. an' ok b4 ne1 starts accusing me of being roadside, all i want 2 say is that all we did wuz some kissing with tongues. i did not do ne of the other bases, or ne of the things that end in -job, or nething like that. god howie with ur big mouth my rep will get 10 times worse.


	154. September 11,2005

My mom insisted we go 2 the mall brite & early 2day cuz the stores were having 70% off sales. I don't know why she ev. bothered when she knew I cdn't wear NE of those cute clothes 2 school w/our lame-o uniforms. It's like she wanted 2 torture me. Like if yr doc tells U that U have 2 have nothing but clear broth 4 24 hrs & some-Elly takes U 2 all the finest restaurants where U can watch every1 else eat yr fave foods while U slurp on yr broth. Besides, I don't know why she didn't let me get some cute little lowrisers 2 wear on the weekends & after school. I don't live in my uniform, right? And, I mean, 70% off! But the only thing Mom wd let me buy were socks. Socks. So I imagined sitting in class wearing my dull uniform and some butt-ugly but brightly coloured socks. Don't worry, I'm not actually gonna wear those.

Well, Becky's pool party turned out 2 B a huge disaster, what w/Jeremy needing stitches & Ger w/his private parts in traction fr. getting over-excited. Oh, and Ger totally needs to dump that doctor of his. Dr. Perv.

In other news, the Patterson family album has some pics of me that Rn't half bad, esp. the third one in on row 1. So why, why, why, did they have 2 make me look so dumpy in the drawing they made for the "teenage April" paper doll? Was I bad that day? In other news, Dee likes word-search puzzles. Cuz, y'know, crosswords R hard, yo! ;)


	155. September 11,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

u know what i notices about ur family album? ur mom an' dad luv u way more then mike an' liz. there r no individual pics of mike an' just 1 of liz an' that's with her cat. but there r a zillion pics of u an' even 1 pic of ur friend dunc.  
  
the other thing i noticed is that when u were little u had kind of a navet nose like ur mom, but then when u got older, u got that cute little nose like liz an' mike. another thing i noticed is that mike's slender little nose makes him look like a woman.  
  
god dee is so dumb she gives blondes a bad name. remember that time we went over 2 c their new apartment an' dee made me help her do the jumble frum the daily newspaper?! she couldn't even get 1 answer rite! i feel so sorry 4 merry that she inherited those fat lips.  
  
well i talked mom out of filling in the pool but she sez she will shoot rhetta on site if she sees her again.  
  
speaking of rhetta howie the more i think about it the more pissed i get. u should not have let her come 2 the pool party. i m tired of her horning in on your life. i think i will email kortney an' tell her what's going on she will know how 2 deal with rhetta.  
  


Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

It's kind of nice for me that Mom and Dad are so focused on April. I would hate to have to be the star of their lives.  
  
I really feel for you April, but I wouldn't switch places with you for anything in the world. To be under the intense scrutiny of Mom is to be in hell. I'm really sorry Apes. Maybe she'll switch focus soon...as long as it's not on me I'll be happy for you.  
  
I've told Mom to keep out of my life, that I won't want all my private things exposed. I'm an adult and should be treated as such. As for Mike I know she's really angry at him, but I didn't know she was angry enough to pretty much kick him out of the Family Album. Maybe Mike finally got the hutzbah to stand up to her. Either that or she thinks he's a huge embarassment and wants to ignore him until he starts acting what she says a father should act like...Which is Dad.  
  
Mom loves Dee way more than Mike. I think it's because Dee reminds her of herself with two babies driving her crazy all day. The thing is I know Mike and Dee are having some marital problems. They try to play it off all nice and sweet but they are having some major issues. If they get a divorce I think Mom is going to adopt Dee and kick Mike out. Seriously.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

liz, u're rite, i'm living under a mom-n-dad microscope & it gets scaree. sumtymz i replace ma's skim milk in the fridge w/whole just so she'll gain some x-tra weight & have sumthin else 2 obsess abt. don't tell!  
  
dee & mom have totally bonded. i agree, if mike ever split w/her, she'd cut him loose so fast he'd b halfway 2 saskatchewan b4 he knew what hit him!  
  
is it true that mom backed off abt anthony, or was that more propaganda in her letter? i can't imagine she didn't try 2 grill u on the way to mtighaha.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

wow a divorce! gawd ur mom is alwayz bragging how there hasn't been a divorce in the patterson or richards fams evah! seriously, every time i come over 2 dinner, an' especially since mom an' dad split. if they got divorced i bet she would totally kick mike out of the fam 4 messing up like that!  
  
i know what u mean about apes being unlucky 4 having all that attention on her. man she can't even sneeze without ol' jelly fatterson getting all up in her grill. "cover your mouth april! you weren't born in a barn! ladies don't sneeze so loudly! they also don't sit with their legs spread like that! or sit on the couch watching cartoons and eating doritos! look, you have powdered cheese all down your front! oh, what will the neighbors think of us! april, you are such a disgrace to the family! it must be those blasted patterson genes!"  
  
hey by the by u know i just found out frum my mom that it wuz actually mrs. poirier who started the "jelly fatterson" thing - dunc calls it a ‘meme’. funny huh? guess she got tired of jelly meddling in her love life so much.

April Patterson wrote:

becks, speaking of doritoes, i found an awesome recipe for cheddar crackerz, but i'm afraid 2 try it @ home, cuz u know my mom wd just eat 'em all. do u mind if i come ov. 2 yr place 2 make 'em? i'll bring the ingredients & my secret collection of season-4 _trailer park boys_ dvd's.  
  
i'm not surprised abt. mrs. poirier. mom thinx they're bestest buds, but i c the way connie lks @ her when mom's not looking back.  
  
ger, that dr. of yrs is only telling u half truths. yeah, he's the only urologist in mboro & he obvs. wants 2 hold on2 every bit of biz he can get. which makes me think that besidez doin' perv. stuff 2 u, he mite do stuff 2 make yr healing slower just so he can stretch out yr biz. i found out that there's a urologist @ the rennie wilford memorial hospital, which is just outside of mboro & abt 4 blocks away fr. becky's. i used some of the medical databases that dee has access 2, & i found out that this doc @ rennie wilford, dr. tiede gekwalificeerd,  
not only graduated @ the top of his med-school class, but he has no complaints against him. yr doc schlanger has like 4,678 pending complaints, & he barely got thru is med-school proggy. so i think u shd sked an appt w/ dr. beryoff.

Becky McGuire wrote:

ok apes come on over. we can eat cheese crackers an' talk about boys.  
  
u know u should prolly just let ger c that pervo doctor. it's creepy but at least it gives ger some1 2 talk 2 about all his crazy desires other then u.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My voluptuous little vienna sausage,  
  
Could you please explain your dirty jokes to me? I don't get them.  
  
I would like to take you out on a date later tonight. Dinner and a movie, perchance? I shall pick you up at 6:30 sharp. Dr. Schlanger thinks it's safe for Gerald Junior to go out on the town again, despite yesterday's unfortunate spatula accident.  
  
Forever your devoted slave

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

So I have some time, I'll sit and write. Classes are in full swing which makes me a very busy woman. Gary and Viv have been keeping a close eye on me, which is a little unnerving but it's nice because the concern they give me isn't like Mom's. Jesse is being Jesse. How could he be anything else? He's a great kid though, my little spy. He keeps me up on all the gossip in Mtig.  
  
Anyway, I thought I'd write to you a little bit about what the Mitgwaki people are really like. If you believe Mom then you think Native people walk around in traditional dress all day, dancing all night to the beat of the drums and generally communing with nature while walking around being all noble and wise.  
  
Firstly, I'll tell you that the community is tight knit. Almost everyone is related to everyone else because it's just small here so they are all into everyone's business, but not like Mom. Nothing escapes their notice. They love to play noble native for tourists. They think it's pretty funny to chase tourists for rides and basically play with their heads. They said that when an outsider moves into the area they like to lay it on thick to see if the person is going to stay or leave. If they stay then they let the pressure off and all is well. Imagine how relieved I felt when I came home to Mtig and found out how much I'd really been accepted. They pestered Mom mercilessly which was kinda funny. They call her something which translates into, "The Growling Pole Cat with Large Nose and Wide Load", there is no way I can pronounce it but Mom thinks it's something noble.  
  
They told me about Howard's visit and what they did to him, and about a few other visitors they had this summer. Howard is fortunate they didn't know who he was at the time or he'd probably be sitting at the bottom of the lake. Jesse told me he thought pestering him was hilarious. They spent a good twenty minutes laughing about something they did to his car. I have no idea what it was and as Howard's posts haven't said anything about car trouble....I'm not really sure they did anything. Howard might check under his hood for fish or something, but it's been so long I'd think he'd have smelt it by now.  
  
Last night several of us went up to Spruce Narrows and got so hammered that we had to call Gary to come pick us up. Gary was a little teed off to be called at 2am. I ended up getting into a fist fight with some woman saying I'd been hitting on her boyfriend. I would have sworn she was Therese, except she had blonde hair. So, this morning I have a big black eye and am trying to figure out how to hide it from my students tomorrow.  
  
On the Mom front. You know darn well she pried and pried and had a lot to say about the Anthony situation, but I'm really not feeling like discussing that right now. My feelings about what happened this summer are just too hurtful right now, but yes her letter was total propaganda. I did tell her that should she start shooting her mouth, that when I got married I'd take myself, my husband and children to Timbuktu before I let her get her greedy grandma hands on them.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Treasured friend Duncan,  
  
I eagerly await your arrival. You're quite right about the state of my soul. My adored girlfriend is clearly afraid that I will sink into irredeemable perversitude. Please do come over so that we might "jam" to your tracks.  
  
My bliss-bestowing little bobo,  
  
I took it upon myself to call your mother and father to implore them to allow you to accompany me to yon movie theatre tonight. They agreed, so long as I get you home by 10 pm.  
  
I shall pick you up in my dad's LeSabre at 6:30 pm.  
  
Your devoted partner in amour  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I am so sorry I messed up your pool party by letting Rhetta come and I am so sorry I mentioned your special moment with Jeremy yesterday. I feel like you really hate me and I hope I haven’t lost your friendship. This thing with Rhetta has gotten really out of hand. I have lost any kind of control over the situation.  
  
This morning I woke up, and as I had for the previous 2 mornings, felt like someone had applied a lot of friction to my privates. The difference this morning was that I woke up wearing a suit and tie and lying in the back of Rhetta’s car. It took me a moment to get oriented. Rhetta was driving and I told her to stop the car immediately, so I could get out. She said, “We’re going to have lunch with my parents, Howie, so you are welcome to jump out of a speeding vehicle, but I don’t recommend it.” I remembered how beat up I was the last time I jumped out of a speeding car, and I did not want to repeat the incident, so I waited until we stopped. We stopped way outside of Milborough in front of this large house. Rhetta told me, “Howard. All you have to do is have lunch with my parents, and I will drive you back to your apartment.” I foolishly agreed. We met her parents, and they were all, “So this is the fine young man who saved Rhetta from that awful Mr. Shakleford” and that kind of stuff. We sat down to eat lunch, and we just started into the spinach salad, when Rhetta said, “Daddy. Mommy. Howard and I have an announcement. We’re engaged!” I jumped up and said, “No, we're not!” Rhetta’s dad said, “Of course you aren’t engaged, Howard.” I breathed a temporary sigh of relief. Then he said, “You haven’t asked for our permission to marry Rhetta.” At this moment, Rhetta said, “Can we have your permission to get married?” And then Rhetta’s mom said, “Granted.” Fortunately, Rhetta’s dad said, “No. Howard has to do the asking.” So then Rhetta grabs my jaw with both hands and opens and closes my mouth while saying in a low voice, “May I marry Rhetta, Mr. Blum?” Before I could protest, Mr. Blum said, “Well, Howard, we really need to get a chance to know you first. What can you tell us about yourself?” I said, “For one thing, I am gay. Gay. Gay. Gay.” Mr. Blum said, “Oh that’s all right. I was gay too before Rhetta’s mom converted me. It was the happiest day of my life. Wasn’t it dear?” Then I said, “I like to wear dresses and wigs.” Mr. Blum said, “I do too. I have been looking for someone with whom to compare fashions.” I said, “I am developing a real hatred for your daughter.” Mr. Blum said, “Oh, I used to hate Rhetta’s mom too. It took me years to really appreciate her.” I said, “I am out on bail for attacking 3 women and could spend the rest of my life in jail.” Mr. Blum said, “We are aware of that situation. I am sure that you will get off with just a fine.” I said, “I like to sing opera.” Mr. Blum said, “Oh my. Oh dear. I don’t know if we can have the grandchildren exposed to opera. Don’t you know any songs by Bobby Curtola?” I lied, and said no. Mrs. Blum said, “I’m sure we can overlook that detail, dear.” Mr. Blum said, “Well, I guess I give my permission then. You would be engaged except for Rhetta’s not having a ring.” Rhetta and her mother leapt from the table and ran out of the room, and when they came back they were each holding a diamond engagement ring. They started having an argument about which ring I should use for the engagement and while they were arguing, I ran out of the house and down the road. I hitchhiked back to my apartment and read the posts from today and yesterday. I really need to talk to my bud about this, but you must hate me now after what I did to you yesterday.

Bethany McLaggen wrote:

hey, this is bethany, from apes' english class. i was just @ the milboro multiplex an' what a weird thing i just saw. apes was there with gerald and, i guess, her parents (mom an' dad kinda look the same, 'cept the mom has a potato nose an' the dad has a cleft chin?). 

  
well, i was leaving the theatre when they were queueing up. gerald was like, "mr. p, it's ok, really, u don't have 2 stay, we'll b fine on our own, and my dad doesn't mind picking us up."  
  
& mr. p goes, "oh, no. no, no, no. i know all about your "doctor" (he did air quotes) with his "treatments" (air quotes) and "advice" (air quotes).  
  
"but mr. p. . . ."  
  
"it's settled."  
  
then they get to the box office, & gerald goes "4 tickets for 'the exorcism of emily rose.'"  
  
but mr. p goes, "nope. not 'emily rose.' 4 tickets for 'the 40 year old virgin'" & he glares at gerald when he says this. april was, like, slumping like she wanted 2 hide. neway, what was that all about?

April Patterson wrote:

ugh, i just got home. we didn't make it all the way 2 the end cuz the usher threw us out. it doesn't really matter cuz i cd barely pay attention, what w/ger tryin' 2 feel me up every oth. second ev. tho my dad was on the other side of me smackin' ger's hand every time he tried. then he actually tried 2 put my hand in his crotch! my dad was totally watching ger insteada watching the movie, so when ger tried that, dad yanked away ger's hand & mine &, well, he kinda punched ger. yeah, there. that's when ger let out this squeeeaaaaaaaalllllllll that musta woken up that usher who kicked us out.  
  
yeah, dunc, i don't know why my folks didn't just say no in the 1st place. i don't know how ger managed that. but it seemz after they talked, my dad went out to make sum planz for his little train yard & ger's dad was walking by. he sed something about how ol' willy schlanger was taking such gd care of his son. my dad was like "THE willy schlanger" & ger's dad was, "yeah, of course". that's when dad ran in2 the house & he & mom changed up the planz.  
  
i cd say sum more abt all this but i'm 2 tired & mad & i don't ev. feel v. well prepared 4 that vocab quiz 2morrow.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

oh boy mom made me spend the rest of the afternoon finishing cleaning up the pool area an' look what i missed.  
  
sorry howie i didn't get 2 respond earlier. i m not mad at u nemore an' we r still friends. i understand u r in a tough situation with rhetta being your surety so it's hard 2 just ditch her 4 being psycho. i m sorry 2 hear that she is trying 2 make u marry her. i emailed kortney about the situation 2day an' i hope she will e me back some advice. hang in there an' we will figure something out. i asked uncle ralph if he might be ur surety just in case an' he sed he'd think about it.  
  
well apes that sounds like a terrible date but i don't really think it's ger's fault. ok so he's a horndog but it's ur parents who r krazee an' can't let u 2 go alone 2 the movies. an' so what if he wants 2 make out in the movies with u that's normal. jeremy an' i ren't even bf an' gf an' when he came over 2nite 2 watch tv with me we kinda fooled around a little. (no still no "jobs.") u should cut him sum slack an' unbunch those granny panties ur mom makes u wear an' have some fun with ger. what happened 2 u? after grad u were way hott 4 his bod! maybe if u gave him a little he wouldn't act so krazee.  
  
jeremy an' i studied a little 4 the vocab quiz we played a game where we tested each other an' if he got a word rite i had 2 kiss him an' vice versa. there wuz a lot of kissing so i think we're ready.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I am so glad that you are not mad at me anymore. It has been a pretty miserable day today, but now a little less miserable thanks to my bud.  
  
I called my lawyer about changing from Rhetta as a surety to your uncle Ralph. He said that he would prefer not to lose Rhetta as a surety, as her standing in the community looks really good in court and helps the case. Also, he said it is highly unusual for the accused to request a change in surety. If there is a change in the surety, it is usually the surety who requests the change. If I were to request a change in surety from Rhetta it would raise a lot of questions that could adversely affect my case. However, if I insist that Rhetta no longer be my surety, then I must return to custody and reapply for release.  
  
As for your uncle Ralph, my lawyer told me that a person needs to have no criminal record in order to qualify as a surety. This may be a surprise to you, but when your uncle Ralph disappeared for a few years and told you he was abducted by aliens, I think that was something that he told you when you were young so you wouldn’t know that he had done a little jail time. In other words, your uncle Ralph may not be qualified to be my surety. I will have to ask him and confirm my suspicion. I hope he will tell me the truth and not just whip out that volt meter on his 6th toe.  
  
I told my lawyer the story about being drugged by Rhetta and the tricks to try to get me engaged to her and he said that’s pretty much standard dating procedure with Milborough women. He said date rape is extremely common, but almost never prosecuted because the men are too embarrassed to press charges. He suggested that I talk with Rhetta about my concerns in a safe place where there is no food to be spiked or drugged envelopes to be licked. He also told me to look out for dart guns, drugged lipstick, sparkly fingernail polish and very shiny high-heeled shoes.  
  
I decided to call Rhetta instead. That seemed safer than having to outwit her in a personal meeting, where I would almost assuredly lose. When she answered, she was very upset that I had walked out on her and embarrassed her in front of her parents. I told her I would take losing her as a surety and jail time to being continually drugged against my will. That seemed to sober her up. She seemed a little more apologetic. She was saying, “But Howard. I have money. If we are married I will take good care of you.” I said it was not about money. I just didn’t find her attractive. She said, “You’re gay and unprotected by the Milborough gay community and you are stuck in Milborough as one of your bail conditions to prevent flight risk. You are going to wake up one morning in a tuxedo, with a wedding ring on, and married to some person who will not treat you as well as I will.” I told her that not all Milborough women are like that, and I mentioned you and April as examples. She retorted, “14-year-old girls in Milborough do not casually invite gay men to their pool parties. They are marking their territory in advance, in case their boyfriends run off and marry somebody they meet in university. Becky and April are really smart. I wish I had set aside a gay guy when I was their age. Then I wouldn’t be single today.” I told Rhetta she was full of beans about you and April, and she told me I was painfully naïve about Milborough women.  
  
Anyway, Rhetta has agreed not to drug me anymore and I agreed to keep her on as my surety.


	156. September 12,2005

OK, so Mom's been back from Mtiglalalalalalalalalala for a while now, but 4 some reason this morning she was suddenly in the mood 2 talk about her trip back. This morning ov. breakfast, she was complaining 2 Dad abt the music Liz gave her 2 listen 2 on the way home. "Y can't she B in2 Bobby Curtola like a normal person?" Mom and Dad weren't really talking 2 me this morning cuz they were mad @ me abt that "date" w/Gerald last nite.  
  
Becky wanted 2 know Y I'm so mad @ Ger & what's the biggie abt making out w/yr bf @ the movies. Well, there's nothing wrong w/making out @ the movies & I totally wd have been in2 it. IF MY PARENTS WEREN'T SITTING WITH US. Sorry, Ger, but I can't get in the mood 4 that with my dad next 2 me & my mom next 2 U. & guess what, Becks? If Ger had bothered 2 find out what I wanted 2 do instead of making all these planz w/out me I woulda said come ov. & help me study vocab, just like U & Jeremy did. & guess what? He woulda got some lovin'. I totally mean that.  
  
As it is, I mite end up grounded cuz my 'rents totally think that it was my idea 2 have Ger call them & talk them in2 letting us go out on a school nite. & then Ger's dad told my dad about Ger going 2 Dr. Willy "Perv" Schlanger. So then, cuz my dad knows this guy's rep, he suddenly thought we had this big plan 2 go roadside. & he wanted 2 cancel. But my mom, 4 sum bizarre reason, sed that we'd all go instead so they could "monitor" us. But based on Howie's post last nite, I wonder if it's just cuz she wanted cinema food.  
  
NEway, I've been studying my flash cards 4 vocab, but I'm still pretty frazzy.


	157. September 12,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Does this mean that Liz kept the Bobby Curtola music for herself? That's a chilling thought.  
  
I hope your mom doesn't do anything painful to achieve the "very, very tight bun." I am feeling bad that my little joke with your mother may cause you problems. Maybe you should ask her to show you on herself how to get the "very, very tight bun" before she tries anything on you.  
  
By the by, thank you for showing me how to play bridge on Saturday. I expect it will come in handy today. And if you should happen to visit your grandpa, look me up and maybe we can work on some "bun-like" hairstyles that are a little more fashionable and still satisfy your mother.

April Patterson wrote:

no, liz can't stand the curtola muzik. mom did give her a cd of his as a prezzie, but i m pretty sure she uses it as a coaster.  
  
thanx 4 the idea abt having mom demo the v.v. tite bun on herself. that's genius.  
  
yw abt the bridge. i will lk 4 u the next time i stop by the palace & will also get sum pix 2 u as soon as i can.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

guess what apes? i got a 98! the only word i missed wuz "propinquity." wow who knew high school wuz gonna b so hard! good thing studying with jeremy iz so fun!   
  
speaking of jeremy i think he's kinda turning in2 my de facto (another vocab word!) boyfriend. u know, like, we don't call each other gf an' bf, but we kinda r. i don't kiss ne of my other friends. not even howie an' he's gay! i dunno tho i think i like it this way better then us being official cuz that way he doesn't think i owe him nething or that he can boss me around like gerald does w/ u.  
  
howie i m sorry about this whole situation with rhetta. i hope u will keep her as ur surety an' that she will straighten up. i think i will have my aunt mark go over an' talk 2 her. he used 2 b a bodybuilder mayb he can give her a attitude adjustment.  
  
i asked my mom about uncle ralph mayb having been in prison instead of being kidnapped by aliens an' she said it wuz true he robbed a tim hortons 4 cash an' donuts 1 time. it wuz my dad's idea but only ralph got caught i guess he took the fall. u r rite he just tells people the aliens story cuz he thinks it sounds better. i m gonna have 2 tell him that he's wrong about that. however mom an' dad have both been arrested b4 2 an' i asked mom about aunt mark an' she sed he got arrested a bunch of times 4 meeting his boyfriends in m-boro city park after dark. not sure what that's all about.  
  
also apes an' i r not putting a guy on layaway just in case. altho i would marry u howie if i were older cuz u r kewl but not cuz i'm desperate like rhetta an' i wouldn't drug u i'd just ask u straight out.  
  
u know i talked 2 mom about the whole tongue thing an' she sez that it's true we didn't make up that rumor! it's been around 4 generations an' it actually works sometimes! she sez my dad wuz a gay guy b4 she licked him. but she also sez she must of licked him 2 much cuz he turned in2 such a womanizer. i didn't know this b4 but he also has had lots of other affairs then just the 1s u mentioned howie. i guess he also did it with the check out lady at the Buy an' Bag, a meter maid, the exterminator lady who came 2 spray 4 termites, my old Girl Guides leader AND assistant leader, a candy striper, a female bodybuilder he met at 1 of aunt mark's competitions, connie poirier, liz's old teach miss edwards an' mr. p's cousin fiona brass. she sed he also had a affair w/ liz's friend candace.

well i hope u don't get slammed 2 hard by ur rents cuz i have a gig 4 lawyer sam driver i guess he's throwing a party cuz his secretary gloria just got let out of jail an' i guess she heard about me thru the grapevine in the jail cuz of my dad. well neway i need a backup band an' i wuz gonna ask 4Evah 2 do it. u guyz would get $200 2 split btween the 3 of u if u want 2 do it. let me know. it's this weekend.

April Patterson wrote:

becks, that's so gr8 abt yr 98. i m mad @ myself 4 the wds i missed cuz i knew them on the bus. then during the quiz i kept thinking abt how i mite b grounded & also every time gerald caught my eye he blew a kiss @ me. & i know it's supposed to b "assuage", not "assauge", but i m all discombobbed! erg.  
  
wow, i can hardly believe that the tongue thing is true. how weird is it that sumthing we made up, esp. sumthing so bizarro, cd b real!  
  
howie, becks is rite, we r not trying 2 keep ne gay men in reserve. we both plan 2 live sumwhere other than m-boro sumday, ne-way. i think becks wants 2 try out hollywood or nyc in the states.

i was really surprised abt that list of ppl yr dad has been w/, esp. crazee & uggo fiona. (& candace!) but i did't wanna say ne-thing that wd make u feel worse. cuz last wk, when stacey-margaret bloomfield was like "yr dad's a slut" u were like "i'll kick yr uptight little arse"!

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

My lovely little licorice lace,  
  
I am deeply sorry if my expressions of love during first period caused you to perform less that optimally on your vocabulary test. If it makes you feel any better, I received a mere 68 percent of the questions right. Miss Morris gave me a D+ and has sent a note home to my parents. I think I was too distracted by my attempts to demonstrate my love for you. I will try to restrain myself in the future. My mother says that if I don't earn at least a C in English, she will require me to drop out of the band and break up with you.   
  
I am using the nurse's computer again. We have struck up quite a friendship. I told her all about my romantic travails, and she told me all about how her boyfriend Thorvald (strange name) was sentenced to 180 days in city jail. She kept telling me how lonely and sexually frustrated she is. I feel that I have made another true bosom friend. She gave me a tube of something called "KY Jelly" from the dispensary and told me that it might aid in the relief of my suffering. Since they don't serve toast in the cafeteria, I will have to wait until I'm home this evening to try it.  
  
I must go now. If I am late for geography one more time, Mrs. Prescott says she will fail me.  
  
Sincerely your devoted love slave forever

Becky McGuire wrote:

dunc has a accent! i thought he wuz just trying 2 talk in that really femme way that my aunt mark does 2 let every1 know he's gay. dunc _is_ gay, isn't he? or at least "differently oriented" like howie puts it? i feel like i missed a whole bunch of memos or something.  
  
god french is so boring. y do we have 2 learn this? y can't the quebeckers just talk like normal canadians?  
  
omg gerald just raised his hand an' asked y they call it "french kissing" did the quebeckers invent it or something? he asks that every year an' it's not funny nemore. god b glad u have french 8th period. altho every1 is laffing at him an' madamoiselle lapin is real pissed so that is kinda funny i guess.  
  
ok gotta go time 2 conjugate etre in the subjunctive tense.

April Patterson wrote:

omigod, ger did that joke _again_? does he do it cuz he thinx it's so funny, or does he keep 4getting that he's already done it b4 & b4 & b4?  
  
no, the way dunc talks is his accent. i will let dunc answer u himself abt his orientation. i thot i saw him kissin' kimmy lasalle rite outside the caf during lunch, tho.

Becky McGuire wrote:

i guess what they say about blondes is true. i m clueless.   
  
kimmy lasalle? i didn't know she liked the taste of grape lipgloss!

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Dear friends and my gorgeous little guitarist,  
  
I took April's wise advice and read the tube of KY jelly that Nurse Horbreth gave me. This is what it says on the side:  
  
_Indications: K-Y® Brand Jelly lubricates condoms and is recommended for personal lubrication when vaginal dryness causes discomfort. It also eases insertion of rectal thermometers, enemas, and tampons._  
  
I do not understand why she thinks this product will cure what ails me. I don't have vaginal dryness (that I know of), and I don't use tampons, condoms, enemas, or rectal thermometers--at least not on a regular basis. I went to throw it out but Kimmy LaSalle saw me and asked me if she could have it, so I gave it to her.  
  
I think I will stick with Dr. Schlanger's wise counsel. My package is already nearly as good as new. I don't know why the nurse thought using tampons, enemas and the like would help. If they did, surely Dr. Schlanger would have prescribed them.  
  
My darling April--now that Big Gerald doesn't need my full attention any longer, would you like to get together to study for our geography of Europe test? I keep mixing up the Rhine and the Rhone rivers. Perhaps we can play a kissing game to help motivate us.

Anthony Caine wrote:

Wow April what a weekend.  
  
Mine was even weirder.  
  
There was a little party on the dock before we set off in the Don Ho. Mike was there, and Weed. Weed's entering a news picture he took recently in some kind of contest, but he wouldn't show it to me. Mike, however, showed me an essay he wrote about Elly. It takes place when your dad was in Dental College and they were poor. I guess one Christmas they had so little money they could only afford to buy each other one gift. Elly got John a new chain for his valuable pocket watch, a gift from his dad. But she had to sell her hair to do it. John got her hairbrushes! And he had to sell his pocket watch. It ends with them both laughing and John saying "A hair in time saves Christmas" which didn't strike me as that funny, but Mike said Dee wet her pants from laughing.  
  
Gord didn't let Mike onto the boat, Mike was disappointed until Gord said something about there being a stripper with his name on her ass back at the Roadside, waiting for him.  
  
So it was Gord, Lawrence, and some of the "crew" from Lakeshore and the Dealerships. There was a big washtub and a pile of instant cement on the deck and I asked Gord about it. He said it was hurricane relief supplies for Louisiana. Just when I think Gord's being a real jerk to me he goes and shows his human side.  
  
They served these great little cocktail sausages in a vodka sauce that Gord said he had his wife specially make for the occasion, they're called "Drowned Weenies." You should get the recipe for your mom, though I guess she'd never put vodka in anything.  
  
We got out on the lake, pretty much out of sight from the shore. Everyone got cigars. Gord started giving this speech to everyone about his "enthusiasms." "And what's my enthusiasm? Hockey!" He took out this big silver-tipped Gretzky memorial hockey stick. Started talking about how a hockey team was only as strong as its weakest member, and they couldn't have one member letting the team down. I was getting a little worried about where he was going with this, plus he was waving this stick around right under our chins like he was building up momentum...  
  
When the boat did a sharp turn. I fell out!  
  
Turned out DEA was in high speed pursuit in a power boat!  
  
I guess Gord didn't notice me fall out of the boat, they took off without so much as throwing me a life preserver.  
  
Well, to make a long story short the DEA picked me up. I got held for a while, I guess the cigar was Cuban or something. They released me, and even gave me this really nice plastic orchid to keep in my office. They gave me another one to give to Gord, and asked that I bring it back to them in a few weeks so they can change the batteries. I don't know why you'd have to change the batteries in a plastic orchid, but they're Americans after all. They're always coming up with new gizmos.  
  
Anyway, that was my wild and wet pool party!


	158. September 13,2005

Fun fact abt my dad: whenever my mom refers to herself as an idiot? He nev argues that she's not! Fascinating, no? NEhoodles, B4 Mom left 2 drive Liz back to Mtigwhynotanormalname, he sez he told her, "Elly, don't 4get 2 stop @ the 1st motel U see as soon U're feeling tired. Don't try 2 push it & wait 4 the next motel. U never know 4 sure the next 1 will even B open". But, according 2 Mom, she did the opp of Dad's advice, & then sat in the lot of a closed-up motel thinking "Surely I'm not the only idiot who's come by". Well, Dad's not x-actly the type who won't tell U "I toldya so", lemme tell U.  
  
But I've gotta cut this entry short cuz Dunc is in a panic abt that European Geography Quiz. He's tuggin' @ my sleeve & saying ov. & ov. "Which 1 is Rhine & which is Rhone?"


	159. September 13,2005 - comments

Kimmi LaSalle wrote:

dunc-the-hunk, it was fun studying with u last nite. but w8, which 1 is the rhone again?  
  
Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Someone here at the courtroom let me borrow one of their cell phones so I could post to you about what has been happening so far at the family court. We had to clear the courtroom so the judge could speak to the lawyers alone, so I have time to post. Your mom is here and she just finished making a speech about why it is she wants to be Becky’s guardian. She started off by talking about Becky’s poor home life, and how she should have the opportunity to live with someone pure as the driven snow, who could give her good moral advice and teach her how to dress properly. She mentioned how she didn’t want Becky to become a lonely wandering musical crack whore living in a gutter and how Becky should be in your band and booking parties for your band instead of just for her selfish, only child self. Then she started talking about how Becky was like a trip where you drive until you are too tired to go on, and how Becky was like a dangerous nap on the side of the road. At this point, the judge stopped her, partly because she was adjusting a chair to try to take a nap during the last part of her talk, and partly because the chair she had chosen was perilously close to Becky’s mom, who had actually started growling during your mom’s speech.

Well we had to take a break again in court room. Becky’s dad was talking but your father kept on interrupting him by saying things like:  
  
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.  
He has crooked thoughts so it’s hard for him to think straight.  
A lot of shady characters are waiting for their day in the sun.  
  
And some others that Becky may remember. Becky’s dad grabbed your father’s train engineer hat and was running around the courtroom with it until he was subdued. Your dad’s hat was returned a little crumpled. Your dad started crying so loudly, the judge called a recess so he could regain his composure.

April Patterson wrote:

my dad is just compulsive abt the stoopid puns.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

as they were hauling dad out uncle ralph got up an' started yelling stuff about how mcguires get discriminated against an' how it's not fair they're not all criminals there were 1 or 2 lawabiding mcguires in the history of canada. then aunt mark went up 2 the front an' tried 2 bargain 4 my dad's release by flirting with the judge saying stuff like, "what u got on under those robes, big boy?" an' sticking his hand under there. the judge got mad an' sentenced aunt mark 2 30 days. then uncle ralph got real angry an' got up on top of the table that mom's lawyer wuz using an' jumped onto the judge's bench an' started pounding the judge on the head with that little hammer. so uncle ralph got 30 days he would've got a lot more then that but the judge an' uncle ralph went 2 elementary school together an' so he just gave him contempt of court not assault.  
  
well then great aunt jackie got up an' asked the judge if this wuz the rite place 2 petition 2 get conjugal visits with my dad. mom started 2 cry when she asked this an' i m not sure y but when i asked she sed something about thanksgiving. then jackie smacked my mom on the head an' sed, "stop crying u big baby u need 2 toughen up u always were a spoiled bratty only child!" this just made my mom cry harder. the judge wuzn't in a good mood, so he gave great aunt jackie 10 days contempt of court 2.  
  
the judge gave mom custody. that's not what i really wanted but that's ok way better then going with jelly an' that bawlbaby choo-choo johnny.

Kimmi LaSalle wrote:

dunc an' i passed our retake on that geography quiz. whoot! ok, so we both got a "c", but @ least we passed!!!  
  
dunc, it was fun celebr8ing after school 2day.

Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes, Im home now.  
  
Something weird happened 2night while I was having dinner @ the Lasalles. Mrs. L. got a phone call from this lady who was screaming @ Mrs. L. an' saying that Mrs. L. shouldnt let Kimmi hang w/ me 'cos the Andersons r devil worshippers. The lady was screaming so loud I could hear her voice an' I think it was yr mom, Apes, but I dunno y yr mom would do that. NEway, I told Mrs. L. that I dont remember going 2 NE satanic rituals or ceremonies @ home or NEwhere else an' that we always go 2 church 4 Xmas an' Easter an' Mrs. L was cube abt the whole thing. L8r.  
  
p.s. I cant make band practice 2morrow 'cos Kimmi invited me 2 a private party.

Becky McGuire wrote:

well peeps i got a 82% on the geog quiz. i think i m just 2 nervous abt everything that's going on. also when we were studying jeremy kept asking me when i wuz gonna b his gf officially an' so we werent 2 focused on the river names.  
  
my speech wuz titled "101 wayz a girl can get a bad reputation." i got a a+. i guess jeffo wuz good 4 something after all.


	160. September 14,2005

Mom's talking abt her trip again this morning, saying 2 Dad how after she found the motel no longer in biz she drove off & was kicking herself 4 driving while so tired, since she alwayz tells Mike & Liz not 2 do that. Then she pulled ov. 2 the side of the road & slept in the car. Dad's all, "Elly, why didn't U just sleep in the parking lot of that old motel?" And my mom's like, "But what if Norman Bates lives there?" & Dad's like, "U R a crazee broad!"  
  
Becky's got her court hearing this morning 2 determine custody. I begged Mom & Dad 2 let me go, cuz Becks was really freaked abt this hearing & didn't even know what she was going 2 tell the judge. But they were like, "No, Apes, U stay out of this" & handed me a juice box. Like I'm 8! Good thing I have my thermy of strong coffee. NEway, shout out goes 2 Becks.


	161. September 15,2005

Over breakfast this morning, Mom was telling Dad some more abt her trip. She sez after she fell asleep by the side of the road, a coupla cops woke her up & said it wasn't safe 2 sleep "roadside", so they'd take her someplace 2 have a good night's sleep & hot breakfast in the morning. Then they pulled in2 "Correctional Services Parking". Hmmm, mayB this whole "trip" story is turning in2 Mom's way of x-plaining how she turned up in the slammer? I wonder if this is what _really_ happened?  
  
Hey, Becks, R U OK? Yr peeps were all thinking U'd write in last nite, so, U know. Worried now.  
  
Aw, Dunc keeps holding up a pic of Kimmi LaSalle (see Kimmi, I learned how U spell it!) & winking. I think he mite B in luv!

PS. I disabled commenting yesterday to test out XenForo. If you’re wondering about Dunc’s re-test,he an’ Kimmi flunked it the first time ‘round.


	162. September 15,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I stopped by Becky’s house. After getting the usual tonguing from Becky’s mom, she told me that Becky wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t see her and she might not be in school today. Then she said that if I came over to her house after work, she would make me a home-cooked meal. This made me a little nervous after my experiences with Rhetta and food. I agreed to come over, but only on the condition that I did the cooking. At this point, Becky came into the room wearing her school uniform and hugged me for a really long time. Then she asked her mother if I could take her to school. Her mother didn’t seem happy about it, but agreed. So, I drove Becky to school thinking she was going to tell me what happened, but she was quiet the whole way over. I noticed that her eyes were red and puffy. When we got to the school, I applied some makeup I keep in the car around her eyes so they wouldn’t look as bad. Becky gave me another really long hug, and then went into the school without saying anything. Maybe she will open up to you April. If you see her in school, let me know what you find out.

April Patterson wrote:

hi, howard, i just saw becky in class, but when i tried 2 ask her abt yesterday, our teacher yelled @ me 4 whispering during her lecture. i must say, u did a nice job on becks's makeup. becky does a gd job on her own, but i can tell u have pro exp.

Becky McGuire wrote:

hi every1. well i wuz so depressed that i ended up going home after 2nd period. i'm posting this frum under the covers in my bed.  
  
well yesterday in court after the stuff i posted last time the judge asked me an' mom 2 go in2 his chambers 2 talk well when we got in there i saw he had a pic of himself with his wife an' his daughter on his desk an' i just busted out crying. well he asked me what wuz wrong an' i told him i sed, "i miss my dad an' u put uncle ralph an' aunt mark in jail an' the only male role model i have now is a sexually confused thug for hire who is out on surety so you'll prolly have him in jail again by next week the way my luck is going!" the judge kinda frowned then sed "oh ur talkking about that howard kelpfroth guy" an' i sed yeah, an' he sed, "well he has a very reliable surety i'm sure everything will be fine" an' i sed, "well there r some things u don't know about rhetta blum! she is a man-krazee ol' spinster an' she raped howie at least 3 times trying 2 convert him! i bet he cant' hold out much longer he'll be begging 2 go back 2 jail next week 4 sure!"  
  
then the judge got a frown on his face an' he sed, "u know little lady i m more sympathetic then i seem. i wuz a gay guy in milboro 1ce myself. i wuz mercilessly hounded 4 years by crazed women. i did things u can't even imagine just 2 try 2 survive. prolly worse then ur howard friend has done--only i never got caught! finally just to make it stop i told this 1 girl that it worked i wuzn't gay nemore an' i wuz in love with her. that person is my wife today. we've been married fifteen years an' there isn't a day that goes by that i don't wish i had just moved away from m-boro. but no, i had 2 stay an' finish my clerkship so i could b a judge." he looked real sad.  
  
so i figured that wuz my chance an' i sed, "well, mayb u could help my howie!" an' he frowned a bunch an' sed, "well, i will think about it. do u know how i can get in contact with him? " an' so i gave him howie's cell phone number. he sed that if he wanted 2, he could work it out so howie could change his surety without 2 much trouble. all he has 2 do is find a new 1. if u can't find 1 howie, the judge sez he will help u find a good 1. he is real impressed that u r working at the senior palace when i told him he prayed 4 u! he sed, "lord have mercy on that poor boy's soul."

April Patterson wrote:

i just got back fr. dunc's. when i got there, he was still hanging out in his bed, but kimmi was sitting by his bed holding his hand. if i'da known she was going there, i'd've given her the h'work assignments 2 give 2 him. oh well, whatevs.  
  


Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes! Sorry I couldnt talk 2 u when u came over 2day. Heres what happened.  
  
I called the Mboro LGBTTQ line 2 c if mayB Im gay an' somehow didnt no it. I told the guy on the phone abt Kimmi an' the private rainbow party an' he said, dont u ever watch Oprah, an' laughed @ me. L8r I went 2 the kitchen for some lunch an' yr mom was there 4 her Bajan cooking lesson. Yr mom was all like, how r u Duncan, do u have a fever Duncan, an' she felt my 4head an' looked @ my throat. Im glad she didnt pinch my cheek like she used 2. Then Kimmi came over. She said she couldnt stay @ school 'cos she was worrying abt me 2 much an' she kissed me. I asked her y she was kissing me when she thinks Im gay. She said y do u think that I think u r gay, and I said 'cos u invited me 2 a rainbow party. I thot I was being quiet, but yr mom heard me say rainbow party. She freaked an' started yelling @ Kimmi, saying u r a roadside gig, an' u stay away from Duncan, an' Im going 2 call yr mom but yr mom prolly wont care 'cos she used 2 B a roadside gig 2. Kimmi took off. My mom didnt say nething 4 a minute an' then she said, dont they have rainbow parties on Mboro pride day. Yr mom said 2 my mom, dont u ever watch Oprah, an' then she started whispering 2 my mom. I decided Id better go back 2 bed, but Kimmi was in my room 'cos she was 2 scared 2 go home. Then u came in, Apes. After u left, I helped Kimmi climb out of the window. Im going 2 stay in bed the rest of the night.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I have packaged your stuff up for Becky to take to you tomorrow. I am so excited. Becky and I just had our first music lesson together.  
  
First, I vocalized her through her range. Like most young girls who have been singing a lot of pop music, her lower range is pretty well-developed, but her upper range has not been properly exercised. As you may or may not be aware, most female pop singers sing alto and that’s what Becky has been singing. She is actually a mezzo-soprano, which means she can also hit some pretty high notes.  
  
I worked her through some pop singing styles, some she did not already know. Then she picked out a few songs that she wants to cover for her performances. She has been doing a lot of singing for old people parties, so she wanted to learn a few of the old standards that would have an appeal for them. Becky can tell you more about what songs she chose and why herself.  
  
She also sang me a new song that she has been working on. She has quite a talent as a composer. Unfortunately, her mother did not agree. She said, “Why aren’t you singing some songs that everybody loves, like Bobby Curtola songs, instead of that trash.”  
  
To demonstrate the power of music composition to her mother, I said to Becky, “Why don’t we write a song about your mother, Karen.” We figured out a number of words to use, used her keyboard to set up a basic repeated melody and put together a song. It went something like this:  
  
There’s a girl who’s never dull,  
It’s Karen.  
Never calls me a numskull,  
It’s Karen.  
Won’t trade me for a seagull,  
It’s Karen.  
Never question her morale,  
It’s Karen.  
Magic I cannot distill,  
It’s Karen.  
Won’t give me a dismissal  
It’s Karen.  
When she’s near I don’t bristle,  
It’s Karen.  
I come when she just whistles,  
It’s Karen.  
This song is my epistle,  
To Karen.  
  


There were other lyrics, but I don’t remember them all. Becky probably will. Her memory is a lot better than mine. Anyway, this had the proper effect on her mother, and she had a much higher opinion of Becky’s composition skills. She went into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of sparkling grape juice and 3 glasses.


	163. September 16,2005

My dad seems kind of annoyed that my mom is only telling a little bit of her story each morning. On the other hand, we're sort of used 2 that. So Mom was surprised 2 find she'd been taken 2 a police station 4 the nite. She got 2 sleep in the staff rm insteada in a cell. She sez she was, like, ridiculously tired. She felt like she had big stars of tired coming out of her head or sumthin'.  
  
Looks like things are moving pretty fast between Duncan & Kimmi LaSalle, though I think some parents R trying 2 slow them down. It also lks like Kimmi mighta gotten in2 my Blogger acct last nite. I guess "scaryelly" was 2 EZ a p'word 2 guess. I've gone & changed 2 sumthin' more random. Now, don't go trying that again, Kimmi!  
  
In other news, wooooooooo, it's Friday! Ger & I R gonna go see that new Reese Witherspoon movie, _Just Like Heaven_, & then dinner @ the food court.  
  
L8r, gators!


	164. September 16,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I woke up this morning experiencing a feeling I had felt before. I had that same drug-induced grogginess I felt at the times when Rhetta had drugged me. I woke up in a strange room, in a bed I didn’t recognize, and with a female arm draped around me. I turned over to see to whom the arm belonged. It was Becky.  
  
She said, “Oh you’re finally awake. You need to get dressed and get out of here.” I said, “What’s going on?” Becky said, “There’s no time to explain it now. I’ll tell you what happened later.” She was helping me put on clothes and every time I tried to ask a question about last night, she shushed me and said, “Later.” I left her house, and now I am getting ready for work.  
  
I am really anxious to get that post from Becky. The last thing I remember was drinking that sparkling grape juice and then sitting down in her living room. Have you heard anything from her?  
  


April Patterson wrote:

i'm not sure what happened, howard, but as we were passing in the hall, becks sed sumthin' abt having found u in a bad sitch & helped u.  
  


Kimmi LaSalle wrote:

apes, sorry about posting from ur account yesterday. i was actually really pissed about ur mom an' i was thinkin' "that elly patterson is one scary bitch". then i thought, "wdn't it b funny if april's p-word was 'scaryelly'?" so i tried it & it was! i swear i didn't do ne-thing w/ur acct. i just did my post an' i wasn't even tryin' 2 post as u, as u can tell since i signed it as me.  
  
ne-way, dunc, 4 sum reason the principal searched my locker & took my "rainbow" of lipstix. i wonder what that was all about.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

hey peeps, sorry it took me so long 2 write this morning. i m having a hard time waking up it wuz a long nite.  
  
ok well howie told u most of the story of last nite so i will pick up where he left off which wuz when he sed 2 me "i think this grape juice is old." well i no sooner tell him that it tastes ok 2 me then he keels over passed out. at first i freaked and started 2 check his airway an' i yelled 2 mom "call 911!" but then as i wuz taking his pulse i realized mom hadn't budged an inch she wuz just standing there staring at me an' howie kinda awkward-like an' i got suspicious. i look at mom an' go, "mom, what did you do to howie?" an' she goes "nothing. go get ready 4 bed. i will take care of your little friend howard the handsome." an' i yelled "mom u drugged him didn't u?" an' she goes "no i swear on the grave of your grandma dorcas" an' i thought wow she wouldn't do that unless she wuz serious so i went 2 go get ready 4 bed.  
  
well i wuz putting my pjs on when the telephone rang mom wuz busy with howie so i answered it just as the answering machine picked up an' i go "hello" an' this girl on the other end kinda giggles an' goes "hi krystle, it's rhetta! i didn't think u would answer the phone bcuz u were "busy." i just had 2 know if the special powder i gave u worked?" i wuz totally shocked!! but i go "yes" an' she giggles a bunch more an' goes "isn't he fabulous? i've drugged a lot of gay men in my time but he is a regular stud horse! i don't even have 2 mix viagra in with the rohypnol!" well i almost puked at that but i go "rhetta i m kinda busy if u know what i mean" an' she goes "sure sure call me 2morrow with the details!" an' we hung up. it wuz just then i realized that the answering machine had recorded our whole conversation. so i took out the tape 4 evidence. then i looked in the kitchen trash an' sure enuff i found the package frum the roofies mom gave howie so i took that 2.  
  
well i go in the living room an' i catch mom trying 2 undo howie's belt an' i yell "wtf r u doing mom?!" an' she goes "nothing dear i m just trying 2 make sure his airway isn't constricted." so i told mom that if she didn't get away frum howie i would call the cops an' turn her in an' that i had the evidence an' i showed her the packaging frum the roofies. i didn't want her 2 know i had that tape cuz its very valuable evidence. mom got all mad an' i yelled "u swore on gramma dorcas!" an' she yelled back "well i always hated her guts neway! i thought u knew that!" then she yells "goddamn it if u won't let me bring home some uncles 4 u, u should at least let me do it with ur gay friend! i'm going krazee here! i'm not elly patterson, i can't go 4 years at a stretch with no sex!" an' i yell back "mom it's hardly been a month!" an' she yells "same difference!"  
  
well long story short i told mom i'd call the cops if she didn't do what i sed so she helped me haul howie in2 my room 4 the nite. then i made mom go 2 bed. i put the roofies ev under my pillow an' the tape in my secret hiding spot an' i slept with my arm over howie so i would know if mom came in an' tried nething.

well i m on the bus headed home but i wanted 2 tell u what happened with gerald's dad.  
  
ok so u should probably know that gerald's dad is a child psychologist an' his office is rite by dr. p's office which as u know is rite near our school which is convenient 4 when apes wants 2 pop in 2 talk 2 her dad an' c the morsel who in my opinion is not 2 morsel-y, but whatever. neway, i went 2 dr. forsythe's office an' went inside. he wuz with a patient an' i could hear him talking an' saying something like "at this stage of ur psychosexual development it is natural and completely healthy for you to experience such things as nocturnal emissions and spontaneous erections, however, you are not emotionally mature enough to participate in a mature sexual relationship with another person so you should rely upon self-stimulation instead." i wuz trying not 2 giggle when i heard him say "gerald it seems like we have this talk every single day surely u have it memorized by now. u should really b getting back 2 school." so i hid behind a magazine an' sure enuff gerald comes out of the office an' leaves.  
  
so i go stick my head in dr. forsythe's office an' he sez, "y becky mcguire! i haven't seen u since u sang that lovely song at grad!" an' i sed, "hi dr. f, i need 2 talk 2 u. i think gerald mentioned my friend howard kelpfroth 2 u," an' dr. f goes, "yes, yes he did, and i m terribly sorry 2 hear that your fine young friend is being so wrongfully persecuted. i will do whatever i can 2 help. u know, it's a terrible shame, but today's police force seems 2 have nothing better 2 do than 2 arrest innocent men." so i gave him the tape an' explained, "on here is evidence that howie's surety rhetta blum has raped him an' has conspired 2 help other women rape him now i'm not looking 2 get those women arrested since 1 of them is my mom but i think it should help u understand why howie is in desperate need of a new surety, an' gerald thought u might b able 2 help us out." an' dr. f goes, "y certainly, u know i have been a surety b4, more that 150 times." an' i sed, "u must b very good" an' he sed, "yes only 112 of them violated the terms of their bail." well i got nervous then but he sed, "don't worry. just tell ur friend howie not 2 go around atms carrying a gun. i find that makes it very easy 4 the police 2 frame an innocent bailee. that's a trick many of my bailees have fallen 4." when i told him howie didn't own a gun dr. f seemed surprised he sed "well i don't own 1 but most of my past bailees needed 2 carry a gun 4 medical reasons. so this will probably make howard's bail period go much more smoothly." i thanked him an' gave him the tape an' he sed, "y don't u and howard come over 4 dinner on sunday nite?" so we have 2 have dinner with dr. an' mrs. f.  
  
after that i went home. mom wuz there cleaning which is weird cuz she hates 2 clean but when i asked her she sed she had 2 do something with her "pent up frustrations" whatever that means. so i asked her i sed, "i know u got that rape medicine frum rhetta! y would she give it 2 u, i thought u 2 were fighting over howie!" an' mom sed that rhetta had sent her a "i'm sorry" note an' wrote in it that she shouldn't b so selfish cuz howie is more then enough man 2 go around. also i guess rhetta heard frum some1 about how frustrated mom has been since uncle bill went 2 jail. she enclosed a packet of rape powder as a present. mom sez she's pretty sure rhetta just did this cuz she doesn't want mom 2 sue her over what happened at the pool party but she decided 2 put the present 2 good use. so mom an' i came 2 an agreement she can have some boyfriends 2 help with her frustrations but she can't bring them over 2 the house.  
  
well dr. f sed he'd call u howie so let me know what happens.

April Patterson wrote:

o. my. gah. so that explains y i got that special delivery in geography class. gerald grabbed the card away b4 i even had a chance 2 look @ it (i guess this was aft. his visit w/dr. f). & he's all, "aprilflower, who's this 'loving & devoted gay suitor coward'?" & i'm like, i dunno, but my g-rents have gotta b behind this mess.  
  
& a whole other omigod 4 the d8 tonite. i can't believe my 'rents wanna ruin another nite 4 us! ger, mayB we can fig. out a way 2 give 'em the slip?

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Dear Rebecca,  
  
I am most displeased to learn that you have chosen to reveal the contents of my private, personal consultation with my therapist to our acquaintance at large. Have you never heard of doctor/patient privilege? This development is most distressing. A young man should be able to consult his doctor about matters of a delicate nature without having the dirty facts broadcast over the internet. Now I feel that I have no choice but to divulge the full story in order that people may judge me fairly.  
  
Ever since grad, I have been having some dreams about my beloved April. These dreams are of a libidinous, lascivious nature, and were accompanied by a certain embarrassing physical response, to put it delicately. In other words, I was dreaming about getting to second base, and I jizzed in my sleep. Well, after this happened approximately 108 times, I consulted my father, who referred me to Dr. Schlanger. Dr. Schlanger assured me that it's normal and healthy for a young man to dream of going to second base. In fact, he was surprised I wasn't dreaming about hitting a home run, and he encouraged me to do so, saying it would be far more satisfying. I have found that this is indeed so. Since then, I have had approximately 213 nocturnal emissions. I must admit that having these dreams has become my main hobby. I often force myself to nap during the more boring classes, such as math and French, so that I can have them. I think I am developing quite the little Sominex habit.  
  
However, my prurient interests have led me to have serious guilt, as Father O'Casey assures me a good Catholic should. In order to deal with this guilt, I often seek my father's wise counsel and reassurance. I sometimes find I need to do this three or four times per day.  
  
However, none of this psychosexual angst will affect our little date this evening, ma petite coquette! By the by, I had my parents call your parents, and they have all agreed to sit in the back of the theatre, away from us, while we watch the movie and neck. Oh, did I mention that my parents want to come along as well? They thought it would be a swell outing.  
  
Sincerely your passionate movie theatre "second baseman" forever.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

I just finished having my meeting with Dr. Forsythe. It seems like good news, but there may be a problem. I need to discuss it with you.  
  
I met Gerald at his father’s office. He will have to tell you what he said for his introduction of me to his father. I did not realize the flowery language he uses in his posts, was the way he actually speaks. I guess he was screaming in pain so much at the pool party last weekend, I didn’t get to pick up his natural speech patterns. After several minutes of introduction, he ended by telling his father that I was responsible for injuring his crotch with a spatula last weekend. I tried to explain the spatula thing was an accident, but Dr. Forsythe was nice and said, “I think that pretty much every kitchen utensil we have has injured Gerald in that area lately.”  
  
So then I told Dr. Forsythe the whole story about the “attack” and my encounters with the Mayes family and my experiences with Rhetta Blum. He listened intently throughout all of it and then asked, “So you admit to attacking Elizabeth Patterson?” I said yes and he said, “You say that some of Milborough’s finest citizens, Gordon and Tracey Mayes, Lawrence Poirer and Nicholas Brown are actually criminals who hired you to attack Elizabeth?” I said yes and he said, “You say that Anthony Caine, who rescued Elizabeth Patterson from your attack, that you actually let him win to make him look good?” I said yes and he said, “You say that Rhetta Blum, daughter of one of Milborough’s oldest families and who put up the money for your surety so you could have your freedom, has been drugging you so she can convert you from being a homosexualist to a heterosexualist?” I said yes and he said, “Clearly, Mr. Howard you are suffering from a   
Non-bizarre Delusional Disorder with Persecutory and Erotomanic subtypes. It is a shame that today’s police force chooses to persecute society’s deranged population with incarceration. I will have to discuss my financial situation with my accountant. If we are appropriately solvent, then I see no reason to prevent me from becoming your surety. I will tell you for certain at dinner on Sunday with that delightful Becky McGuire.”  
  
During this whole conversation, Gerald had fallen asleep, but occasionally woke up moaning and in spasms. At one point, the moaning got particularly loud and Dr. Forsythe asked him to go to the waiting room. Then he said to me, “I have got Gerald seeing Dr. Schlanger for his peculiar medical problems. Dr. Schlanger said that Gerald’s real problem is that the girl he is seeing is not doing her part to help him out. I think your friend Becky McGuire is a much better choice for Gerald. Do you know if Becky already has a boyfriend?” I said that I was pretty sure that you would not be interested in Gerald, since Gerald’s girlfriend was your best friend. Then he said, “That’s not really answering my question.” Then I said I knew that there was a boy interested in you, but that he was not officially your boyfriend. Dr. Forsythe then said, “Good. Well, my wife and I are going to see what we can do during Gerald’s date tonight to make things happen.”  
  
Then he led me to the door, and said, “I’ll see you and Becky on Sunday then Howard. It’s been good to meet you.” So then I left and came home. I would like him to be my surety over Rhetta. He is much less likely to drug and rape me. However, I feel he may have an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner on Sunday. You’re my bud, Becky, and you have done so much for me lately, I don’t want you to have to endure any more misery for me. If you decide to cancel going to the dinner on Sunday, I will completely understand.


	165. September 17,2005

Well, Liz posted a comment yesterday abt how she heard thru the grapevine that Mom's nite @ the "cop motel" wasn't cuz she'd been sleeping @ the side of the road, but cuz she'd been weaving around on the road like a stinkin' drunk. Well, this a.m. she was continuing her story abt all this, saying how they did a joke pic of her behind bars & all 2 e-mail 2 Dad, but he was looking at her all, _hm, I dunno_-like.  
  
And gah, I really don't even want 2 talk abt that so-called d8 last nite that got all ruined (again) this time cuz not only my 'rents, but Gpa Jim, Iris, and Gerald's 'rents all felt the need 2 tag along. Sure, they let us sit in front while they sat in back, but that didn't stop 'em from ruining it.


	166. September 17,2005 - comments

Kimmi LaSalle wrote:

dunc came by 2 take me out 2 c "four brothers" but, like, 2 minutes after he got there, his mom showed up, grabbed him by the ear, and sed "duncan anderson, u r not going ne-where with that little slut kimmi lasalle!" an' she dragged him away like that while my mom came out from b-hind me an' yelled "no1 calls my kimmi a slut! she only tried 2 impress yr little mack daddy!"  
  
an' the principal won't even give me my lipstix back!  
  


April Patterson wrote:

ger's massaging my feet while i write this. he sed, "go ahead & write abt it my little sugarplum, & i shall grace yr readers with my repartée on this matter l8r on." so i sed ok & here goes.  
  
we were sitting way in front & the parent-grandparent goony squad was way in the back, but we cd hear v. v. loud whispering.  
  
gramps: y isn't he trying 2 hug her? doesn't he know ne-thing abt courtship?  
  
dad: if he tries 2 go 2 far, dr. p's giving him an operation!  
  
dr. f.: i told him d8ing a frigid patterson girl wasn't such a great idea!  
  
elly: frigid? patterson women r not frigid. we, we, we're discerning.  
  
iris: what's this abt concerning?  
  
audience: sshhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
iris: shhh yrselves, rude moviegoers.  
  
i snuggle up 2 ger, but he sorta pulls away & sez "i don't want my dad 2 hurt me."  
  
me: he won't hurt u 4 snuggling.  
  
ger: i dunno, i don't trust him.  
  
gramps: whoo, lk @ that pretty reese witherspoon! but how can she b a ghost? that doesn't make sense.  
  
elly: it's just a movie, dad.  
  
john: movies don't need 2 make "cents", just dollars.  
  
[laughter]  
  
ppl in front of them: hey, u got spittle on our necks.  
  
goonysquad: sorry, sorry, pardon, sorry.  
  
i try 2 hold hands w/ger & he pulls away. "yr dad's fist is very hard!"  
  
me: he won't hurt u.  
  
ger: i don't trust him.  
  
dr. f.: u know, that becky girl is very nice. what a catch. i hear she's been seeing jeremy jones. what a lucky boy he is.  
  
elly: jeremy jones is the troubled son of a single mother and an absent harmonica-playing father. his absent father makes him lash out. . . .  
  
dr. f.: but how lucky he is 2 have becky.  
  
elly: becky mcguire is a spoiled only child. . . .  
  
dr. f.: who knows how 2 spoil a boyfriend, if what i hear is true.  
  
elly: i need more popcorn. more popcorn ne1? just me? i'll b rite back.  
  
mrs. f.: i never eat popcorn. i don't wanna get fat.

Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Friend Howard, since my dulcet darling had to depart for yon party, I shall finish regaling you with the tale of our disappointing date to the movies.  
  
Finally, after my many protests, and at a particularly romantic portion of the movie, my darling April became inspired. She said to me, "My parents think I'm so untrustworthy?! Well, this will give them something to complain about!" and before I knew it, she grabbed me and kissed me. And it was not just any kiss. It was the most passionate, intense kiss of our entire courtship! Her tongue explored portions of my mouth and larynx that I never knew existed! It was exquisite. I was just beginning to give in to her when she took my hand and placed it upon her breast! I jumped back in surprise, but April said to me, "They think we're so bad--let's give them what they want!" I was, of course, only too happy to play along, and we resumed the embraces of our amour.   
  
It was then that we heard the screaming from the back row. I will try to transcribe their remarks as faithfully as possible; bear in mind that I was most diverted at that time, and may not have remembered them accurately.  
  
**Grandpa Jim**: Woohoo! That's it! Whoa momma! Yee-haw! Striking a blow for straight boys all over Milborough!  
**Mrs. P**: _shrieks, intelligible_  
**Dr. F**: Wow! Looks like they're going where no Patterson girl has gone before!  
**Dr. P**: Well, if that boy tries to explore south of the Romulan border, he's going to go the way of all red-shirted crewmen!  
**Dad**: Are you threatening my boy? You know, the Patterson fear of normal, healthy sexual relations speaks of a deep-seated conflict between the id and the ego. Perhaps we should schedule a few sessions?  
**Iris**: Oh my, look what our little April is doing! I suppose she won't be needing that nice gay boy after all!  
**Mrs. P**: _anguished shrieking_  
**Mom**: Honey, be honest--do these pants make me look fat?  
**Grandpa Jim**: No, it's your _ass_ that makes you look fat!  
**Mom**: Well, I never!  
**Iris**: What, you don't find my husband's frank remarks charming and witty?  
**Mom**: I find him to be very _rude_!  
**Grandpa Jim**: Looks like he's sliding into third!  
**Mrs. P**: _faints_  
**Dr. P**: That's it! I'm going down there!  
**Dad**: Don't! You'll set their psychosexual development back _years_!  
**Mom**: Honey, I've made up my mind--I'm having the liposuction!  
**Grandpa Jim**: Maybe they can suck the fat out of your head while they're at it!  
**Mom**: My face is fat too?!  
**Iris**: Hush dear. If they start talking dirty to each other, I want to be able to hear what they say.  
**Dr. P**: I'm going down there before Gerald goes _down there_!  
**Dad**: Relax! He was just reaching for the tub of popcorn!  
**Grandpa Jim**: Damn my cataracts!  
**Dr. P**: (to Dad) Get out of my way! I'm going to put a stop to this!  
**Dad**: No way! My son's balls need relief!   
**Dr. P**: That's not my daughter's problem!  
**Dad**: _Not her problem?!_ It's all her fault! Ever since they started going out, Gerald's testicles have been in a terrible state! If April would just put out like that Becky McGuire girl, my son wouldn't be facing a lifetime of genital dysfunction!  
**Dr. P**: You're right! This is all Becky's fault!  
  
It was round about then that they all got thrown out of the theater. Of course, we had to leave then too, because they were our ride. On the way home, my parents gave me the silent treatment. April says that her parents did the same thing. All any of them will say is that they're going to take this situation "in hand." I think it sounds like they're going to do something really perverted, but April assures me that they're going to punish us severely as soon as they can think of something bad enough.

Becky McGuire wrote:

well there's really not 2 much else 2 tell abt the party xcept that every1 played an' sang awesome. it almost made me wish i wuz back in 4evah again but i know that's not the best thing 4 me, so instead i hope we can play more gigs 2gether in the future. apes is rite dunc has an amazing voice. mayb he should b the new lead singer of 4evah?   
  
as 4 gerald looking at me funny well u know apes don't take it 2 personally i have noticed that even tho ger is wild 4 u that he still spends a lot of time looking at every other girl in school. prolly cuz his balls r in such an uproar all the time. i think that's all it wuz. the spotlite wuz on me an' ger couldn't help looking. don't worry ne1 can tell that u r his fave.  
  
well that sam driver person told me he'd pay me $500 4 the party an' i wuz gonna divide it $200 4 4evah, $50 2 my roadie jeremy, an' keep the rest. but that gloria sanchez girl who just got out of prison came over 2 me at intermission an' wanted 2 talk. well she wuz 3 sheets 2 the wind an' she tells me, she goes, "if u ask sam 4 ur money in frunt of that rich bitch abbey spencer, she'll prolly insist on giving u way more, she's always showing off her buxx." then gloria went on 2 tell me that she's been in love with sam 4 years an' years an' that it's all that abbey spencer's fault that they're not 2gether. well i didn't want 2 get in the middle of some love triangle i learned my lesson about getting involved in personal lives at my gigs frum the whole mary worth fiasco. but i did make sure 2 ask sam abt payment in frunt of abbey an' sure enuff, abbey goes, "$500, is that all u were going 2 pay this nice girl? sam, that's virtually slave labor!" then she whipped out her purse (fendi, not fake) an' takes out this giant wad of $100s an' peels off a bunch. then she stuffs the big fat wad back in her purse the stuff she took off it hardly made a dent. "here," she goes, "$2000 is a bargain price 4 such fine entertainment!!" i was totally buggin'. i ran off an' found apes rite away. so i paid each member of 4evah $200 an' i gave jeremy $200 since he's sometimes done roadie jobs 4 me 4 free an' he also comes over 2 help me work on my equipment (i know that sounds dirty but i mean it in the real music way).   
  
i m gonna put the $1200 i kept in2 better sound equipment an' also mayb some nice dresses 2 wear onstage. howie, u can help me with that. also i will prolly pay 4 some advertising materials so i can get my name out there. mayb it looks greedy 4 me 2 keep that much of the money but i did get the gig lined up an' i have 2 reinvest in the business. jeremy sez that's the only smart way 2 do it. he is reading business books at nite an' wants 2 b my manager.   
  
ok so that's the big story of the nite. i m a little disturbed 2 hear that my name got thrown around at the movie theatre last nite especially since it sounds like every1 thinks i'm like so roadside that i'm practically a guardrail or something. i m real nervous abt this dinner 2morrow.


	167. September 18,2005

Mike and Dee came by early this morning & dropped off Merrie & Robin so Dee could have a "spa day" and Mike could have a "sit around with Weed an' pretend he's still in university" day. Weird, Mike's day soundz pretty much like his normal routine.  
  
So while Mom & I were inside playing w/Robin, Dad was showing off his choo-choos 2 Merrie. Poor kid, she wanted 2 play w/her grandpa's toys, but he kept telling her not 2 touch. Finally, she lets out a huge cry, & Ma goes out 2 C what's wrong. & Merrie's all, "Grampa won't share!!!" Me=ROTFLMAO!  
  
Weird how sometimes Merrie, who turns 3 next month, can look like she's maybe 7 or 8. Today, she's got her hair in 2 ponytails, like how Becky useta wear her hair when we were littles & she almost looks like a mini-Becks. Dee, R U sure U didn't have a secret baby when U were 15 & adopt her out 2 the McGuires? (JK, Becks, I know U don't wanna B related 2 Dee!)  
  
  



	168. September 18,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
Check with your mom. If it’s all right with her, I will pick you up this afternoon, so we can go shopping for some show outfits. Then afterwards, we can go to dinner at Gerald’s dad’s and then go to Tim Hortons (my treat). I’ll be wearing a suit and tie for the dinner. Don’t laugh too hard when you see me.  
  
Just to let you know, I don’t approve of the outfits some of the young female pop stars wear today, which look like they were taken from the for sale rack at a used clothing store where the main contributors of the clothing were professional roadside gigs. That stuff is not good enough for my bud. We are going to find you some classy show dresses that will let people know that you are a great singer that just happens to have a nice figure. If you are going to be respected as an artist, you must have outfits that enhance the performance, not degrade the singer. Trust me. I have a lot of experience in this area.

Becky McGuire wrote:

ok "nice figure" = good but "omg that gig so hott that i don't even listen to what she's singing = very bad." u know i want a response more like "she's very beautiful" and not so much "she has a hot bod i wanna do her." cuz ya know i don't need another jeffo.  
  
i kidded jelly 1 time when i wuz over there i sed, "ha u know i had a illegitimate baby an' mike an' dee adopted her since mike doesn't know where to stick it in" an' she yelled at me abt my dirty mouth, but she wuz freaked i heard her on the phone while we were all eating dessert talking to mike an' dee an' making them swear on april's life that i wuz lying. that thing about apes' life wuz kinda harsh i think i mean y her life? is it cuz i'm her friend, or cuz she's disposable like kleenex? the extra daughter? actually i would of thought liz would b the extra daughter since no 1 cares abt her except granthony but mayb that's y they couldn't use her, mike would like if it wuz just liz who got killed. apes, ur family is fucked up.  
  
gotta go i need more sleep i still have circles under my eyes. jer came over after the gig an' helped me stow the sound equipment in the garage an' then we watched his tapes of that new rome show. wow there's a lot of sexx an' killing an' dirty talk in there!! i think that's y jer likes it. naked boobs ren't so kewl 2 me but there r some hott guyz in that show! i didn't tell jer that. the story is hard 2 follow tho. we kept having 2 rewind it 2 listen again which i think wuz ok with jer cuz he got 2 c all the sexx parts twice.

p.s.--howie c u at say 1 o'clock? don't worry i won't laff at the suit i know u need 2 make a good impression i think that's smart. u look super handsome in a suit so look out an' drive 2 the dinner. if we take the bus u would prolly have 20 girls' tongues permanently stuck 2 u by the time we got there.

April Patterson wrote:

becks, i totally remember that time u made that joke abt being merrie's real mom. & here's a funny thing u mite not know abt that. after my mom made that call 2 mike, dee was all, "mike, how do i know merrie is really mine?" & mike was like, "well, she came out of u, remember?" & dee blinx & goes "oh. right." lol.  
  
btw, that wasn't the 1st or last time my mom swore on my life. sometimes my dad yells @ her 4 it, but she just shrugs & says "april is a spare. we already have liz, my mini-me." (liz, can u believe that shizzit?)  
  
btw, howard, i don't know y we didn't think of this b4, but if u wanna avoid the tonguez, why don't u wear a wedding band, put some baby powder in yr hair (2 mimic the str8-guy mboro aging) & act butch when u r in potentially unsafe sitches? just a thot.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I will pick you up at 1. We are definitely driving to the shopping and the dinner. I had the car cleaned and detailed yesterday, so I would make a good impression. Plus, I do not want to show up at Gerald’s dad’s house with saliva all over me.  
  
As for the dress, I know exactly what you mean. In case you were unaware of this, you are already very beautiful, no matter what you wear. Anyway, there will definitely be no roadside gig dresses for my bud. We want people to know just how talented you are.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Becky and I are nearly done with our shopping, and I thought we would check in with you. I think the day has gone pretty well. Becky was kind enough to let me get a few things for myself. We have pretty much gotten all of her performance outfits. She wants to tell you about them herself, so I won't spoil the surprise.  
  
She wants to go into another store to find something for a school dance that is coming up. I think she expects Jeremy to ask her to that, but he hasn't done it yet. She wants to have something ready, just in case. After that it is off to dinner at Gerald's dad's.  
  
Let me tell you, it is astounding to see Becky in some of these outfits. It's like she walks into the dressing room a 14-year-old and walks out in a dress that makes her look like a 21-year-old woman. When I was 14, I would love to have to been able to achieve that effect, but I never could.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

aw, u guyz shoulda seen dunc & kimmi 2geth. @ horny tim's 2day. u can so tell she likes him, like, a lot. & when he sang 4 her, she almost lost it! but i'll let them speak 4 themselves when they post.  
  
ger was nervous abt the dinner 4 some reason. he kept saying something abt how his dad's been v. weird l8ly. he keeps leaving open our mid-school yrbook 2 the page becky's on & going, "mm, mm, mm, gerald, mm, mm, mm."  
  
howard, i m jellus, cuz becks is a lot of fun 2 shop w/!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am totally stealing Becky’s gibe about Merrie for The Diary of Beckers.


	169. September 19,2005

So, Mom's _still_ going on & on abt _her_ version of what happened w/her nite @ motel del policia (I still think what Liz told us in her comments to this blog R the real deal). & so she tells us abt what seemz like a totally pointless convo reviewing the fact that she'd spent the nite @ the police station. It was late, nowhere else around 2 stay the nite, blahblahblahblahblah, like recap yrself much? When she told the male cop that she was on her way back fr. Mtighoohahananananana 2 C Liz, she pulled out the gihugic pic of Liz that she carriez around w/her alwayz. & I guess that pic musta made a big impression, cuz Liz is pretty sure she saw an "Otter County" cruise car trolling around with a cop who was kinda staring @ her. Which made her a little nervous.  
  
Anyway, it's a new school week, & we've got a big test coming up in math class this Friday. Ew, yuck. And Gerald is missing school again today, with yet another injury 2 his boy parts, this time fr. getting them stuck in a massage table. WTG, Ger. He called me from the hospital rm 2 say he's not that badly injured & shd B back in school Wednesday. I'm supposta drop his homework off @ the hospital.  
  
Apes out


	170. September 19,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

April,  
  
I've been a little quiet lately because I've been working three jobs to pay off my debt to Gordon. Since I'm assembling a good track record with payments, he lowered my interest rate to prime +16%, which is his "friends and family" rate. I bag groceries at the Food King, I'm the sanitation engineer at the Roadside, and I do a little book-keeping at Lilliputs once a week (which is a whole nother story. You wouln't believe the stuff your mom insists are business expenses. Or maybe you would).   
  
So I'm keeping busy. Which is good because my mom's driving me nuts. I think she's hypoglycemic, because ever time she gets some more Lik-M-Aid she's like a crazy woman for six hours.  
  
Anyway, the point of this is I was kind of shocked to find out your mom was handing out Liz's picture all over town. She gave me one some months back, a very pretty color 8X10 of Liz printed on photo paper. The back had a baby photo, Liz's vitals (right down to bra size! Not bad, Liz!) a dental X-ray showing that her teeth were in good condition, partial college transcript, and blood test results. I thought she was doing that just so I'd have some cool mementos.  
  
But I got curious because I saw her in the parking lot of the Food King one day. This black Crevasse had just pulled up and a nicely-dressed professional looking guy got out -- he hurried into the store to pick up a birthday cake -- and I saw your Mom put something on his windshield right after he went into the store. I though it was the new add for Lilliputs -- there was a $400 bill for color printing that week -- and was curious about the flyer. Well it was Liz's picture! In red magic marker she'd written "I think you're boss! Get me on the horn, hep cat, and maybe we can be circled 4-evah."  
  
Anyway, I've since found out that she slips them into certain volumes being bought at Lilliputs (if you're a single man buying Da Vinci Code or Atlas Shrugged she puts one in, but if you're getting Bridget Jones or an A.N. Roquelare book forget it). She's also left a few at the churches. Oh, and it appeared in the alternative weekly, with a personals ad in the "Out and About" section which I think Elly thought meant "not living in Milborough" so Liz might get some strange phone calls.  
  
To tell the truth, I'm a bit upset at this. I thought Elly gave me that pic because I was her "special little guy." Guess I'm just one of a hundred or so...

April Patterson wrote:

omigod, anthony, liz is gonna b soooooo pissed when she finds out abt this! thanx 4 letting us know. i m sure liz will give mom a piece of her mind.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

AnthDad2FranMilboro,  
  
Your story explains that strange thing that happened to me when I was shopping at Lilliputs to buy a copy of Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code” on the way to work this morning. I had heard so much about the book, that I wanted to read what all the fuss was about.  
  
I went into Lilliputs and started looking around for the book in the Fiction section by the last name of the author but couldn’t find it. An older lady came up and asked if I needed help. I turned to look and saw it was Moira Kinney, the lady I had met once before when I was out to dinner with Kortney Krelbutz, some weeks ago. She said, “Oh, it’s you, Kortney’s boyfriend. I suppose you are still happy with those trains Kortney let you steal from the front show case.” I was taken aback and said, “Ma’am. I have no idea what you are talking about. I dated Kortney for only about a week, and she never had me steal any trains.” Moira looked a little surprised by that, but then said, “So you weren’t Kortney’s boyfriend last year?” I said I wasn’t and that I had only met Kortney last month for the first time. She said, “My apologies. May I help you look for something?” I told her the book for which I was looking and she smiled and said, “Oh that book is in a special display over here.”  
  
We passed by some shelves labeled with Paul's Picks, Rosemary's Reads, April's Faves and came to 2 shelves. One was labeled Crazy Choices which had a selection of bodice rippers, copies of Bridget Jones Diary and a number of A.N. Roquelare books. The other was labeled Lovely Liz’s Preferred Picks for Single Men. On this shelf were the Da Vinci Code, and other books like Atlas Shrugged and Angels and Demons (also by Dan Brown). So I took the book to the checkout counter and there was Beatrice Alfarero. A friend of mine,Jamie Oliver,used to date her when her daughters were little (well,littler than they are now). I Moira said to Bea, “Please check out this nice young unattached single man, Beatrice.” Bea took a look at me and gasped, but recovered enough to take my money. She said, “If you are single and unattached, the owner wants me to put a flyer in that book. Are you single and unattached?” I said I was. So she handed me the flyer, which was the picture that you described of Elizabeth, and as she did her fingers lingered ever so slightly on mine. I thanked her for the picture and was looking at it as I headed toward the door.  
  
As I was about to reach the door, it opened and in popped Elly Patterson, carrying a muffin and a latte. She said, “Oh, good morning Becky’s nice music teacher.” I responded with good morning. Then she turned around, started running toward me and tackled me right across the mid-section knocking me to the floor, spilling latte across my legs and smearing muffin into my hair. She shrieked, “That’s not for you!” and tore the picture from my hand. Then she started rifling through her purse and gave me a picture of Elizabeth nuzzling a cat. She said, “Take this instead and be sure to come again for another fine shopping experience at Lilliputs.” She got up and went over to Bea and said, “Those pictures are for single men only, not women.” Bea looked really confused as Elly lectured her about how men do not have the very, very tight hair bun that I obviously have.  
  
After reading your post, what happened makes a lot more sense.

Becky McGuire wrote:

well i m just now getting a chance 2 post. i slept in a lot of my classes this morning. last nite with ger really freaked me out. when howie sed he got ger free frum the massage table in time 2 go 2 the hospital in the ambulance, he wuz being kinda modest an' demure abt the sitch, prolly so he wouldn't scare u guyz. well i don't mind telling u guyz the truth. it took 45 minutes 2 get ger free of that massage table. howie an' dr. f an' i worked on it 4 like 15 minutes b4 the ambulance got there. guess who dr. f tried 2 put in charge of supporting ger's penis so it didn't get yanked 2 bad while they worked? u guessed it--me! dr. f wuz still trying 2 get us 2gether, even when ger's dick wuz getting chopped off! i got out of it by telling dr. f i thought it would xxcite ger 2 much if i touched his wang an' it would be counterproductive (another vocab word). he agreed so dr. f did the honors while howie an' i tried 2 unscrew the hinges of the table. well we didn't get very far that sucker is put 2gether real sturdy i guess so it can hold the weight of a whole person even fatties.  
  
the whole time ger wuz shrieking like a girl, stuff like, "i can't lose my penis! i can't! i haven't even got to use it for real yet! what will april think if i'm neutered?" an' dr. f tried 2 calm him down by saying they've made amazing advances in reattachment surgery. but it only made ger shriek louder he goes, "omg, is it cut off?" i rolled my eyez an' sed, "no, if it got cut off, u'd be free rite now" an' so ger goes "omg r u gonna have 2 cut it off 2 get this table off me?" so i'm kidding an' i go "maybe" an' ger freaks he tried 2 run away with the massage table still attached an' we had 2 wrestle him down again.  
  
ok so after 15 minutes of that crap the ambulance showed up an' the emts tried 2 help us get ger free. they used the jaws of life. as soon as ger saw them, he freaked. "omg they're coming 2 cut off my penis!" he screamed. we held him down tho an' i pointed out that if they were planning 2 cut off his penis they'd be carrying hedge trimmers or even just nail scissors in his case. ger didn't even hear me at that point he kinda half-fainted but wuz just conscious enuff 2 moan stuff like "oh, my beautiful penis, why have thou art forsaken me?" dr. f sed he prolly went in2 a fugue state from the shock.  
  
well they got him free an' put him in the ambulance an' the emts told us that we should go 2 the hospital 2 recount all the events of the trauma 2 the doc. well dr. f started yammering 2 the emt some psychological mumbo-jumbo about ger's having difficulty makint the transition 2 the genital stage of psychosexual development an' that he must still have a lot of castration anxiety left over frum the phallic stage. so i totally didn't trust him 2 give a straight answer. howie sed he'd drive me 2 the hospital. i wuz so hungry tho so i scraped a big hunk of baked alaska off the rug an' brought it with me. i fed howie pieces while he drove.   
  
we got there dr. f wuz already there yammering something about how ger clearly had psychosexual troubles bcuz he wuz masturbating excessively. i rolled my eyes an' went 2 the er doc, i go, "yo, he got a boner during a massage an' he got his penis stuck in the massage table." the doctor totally went "oh, we've seen that b4" an' paged dr. schlanger. i guess ol' willy put ger's penis back in traction an' made him stay the nite so it could stay nice an' still. also they put him on a morphine drip 4 the pain so if u go by the hospital after school he will prolly b way out of it.  
  
listen apes i m getting kind of freaked out by how much i m seeing of ur boyfriend's penis lately. he needs 2 learn 2 control it. mayb dr. schlanger could make him some kind of restraining device like a muzzle on a dog?  
  
well it's time 4 biology.

(later)

oh man apes i just went back an' reread howie's story of last nite an' i bet u have some unanswered questions about what went on in the other room while howie got his surety lecture.  
  
ok, it sounds bad i know. but it was all dr. f's idea. ger did not want 2 mack on me at all. first we had pizza an' watched tv that wuz good. that "rome" show is on sunday nite an' ger wanted 2 c it, so we watched that. there wasn't even that much sex or blood in it this week but we did get 2 c a hot guy full frontal nude which wuz sweet after all the naked boobies i've had 2 c b4 on this show. so ger wuz a little disappointed in that.   
  
since he wuz bored, ger kept talking 2 me all thru the show about u apes. he kept saying stuff like, "i think april is starting 2 hate me. i don't know what 2 do. i try all the romance stuff but she doesn't like it. i try 2 talk 2 her about my sex urges, an' she really hates that. but without those things my personality is real boring. all i have without that is the ability to boss my band around an' that has no application in a romantic setting! i m trying 2 learn 2 do that stupid wordplay the pattersons like so much but april didn't think i did a good job with the 'disbanded' joke. becky, pleeze advize me!" an' i totally didn't know what 2 say, cuz im not really sure what u want in a guy, apes. so i told him, "just b urself," cuz that's what all my mom's self-help books say.  
  
ger kinda nodded an' sed "thanks" an' turned off the tv an' at that moment, the string quartet came in. i go, "what's this?," an' he goes, "i dunno." the viola player tells us, "we were told you guys wanted 2 do some ballroom dancing." an' ger wuz super confused. he goes, "only at school dances, an' only with my darling april. y would dad think i wanted 2 do some dancing 2nite?" i didn't say nething 2 ger but it wuz obviously part of dr. f's plan 2 get us 2gether. so i told the musicians they could play a couple songs, then go hang in the hot tub.  
  
so ger an' i were listening 2 the music i like some classical an' they did a great "vivaldi's 4 seasons." neway, we're getting in2 it when the massage people showed up. now that part i thought wuz SWEET! they were super good at it 2. well, ger got so relaxed he fell asleep. but after i got done, the lady sed, "it's good 4 ur muscles 2 go in the hot tub after a massage." so i changed in2 the bikini they gave me. i would of preferred a 1 piece cuz u know, i didn't want ger looking at my bod. even if he is way in lurve with u apes, guys can't help looking at girls in swimsuits it's like genetic.   
  
so i went out in the hot tub an' started talking 2 the viola player. he is the leader of the quartet an' he books all their gigs so i talked 2 him about how 2 handle the business end of things until we were interrupted by the screaming.  
  
i totally 4got 2 say that the male masseur an' the double bass player tried 2 help us with the table at first, like howie sed, but they kinda freaked when they saw what happened an' stopped helping an' started cupping their own privates an' going, "oh man, oh man, i can't look at that! i'm not getting paid enough to watch this!" an' they left. but not b4 they broke off hunks of that baked alaska. man that wuz good.

April Patterson wrote:

thanx 4 filling it those deets, becks, i was wondering what was going on all that time while u 2 were off in another rm. i don't know y ger thinx i'm h8ing on him when i alwayz have a gd time w/him when he's just his normal self, like not trying 2 hard 2 b like rico suave or sooper-horndog, or, ew, patterson-punny. but i guess i just need 2 talk 2 him myself abt all this.  
  
i'm so glad we got 2 do yoga in p.e. today. i m sooooo relaxed now.

Gerold Frsit wrote:

hllo pritty tulp an frends, i doing gd aftr hosptil hiome an cumfy bedd. drugs mak gerald feal gooooooood penis al buttr. i sleep now morfeen is th bom.  
  


Duncan Anderson wrote:

Apes, can I borrow yr Rome tape so Kimmi an' I can watch it? I couldnt find Rome on r dish an' my dad said it was 'cos he didnt buy r dish from Gordo an' my mom told my dad 2 shut up abt Gordo's dishes. He just rewatched ‘From The Earth To the Moon’.


	171. September 20,2005

OMG. This morning, Mom told us what she said abt Liz 2 those cops: "Elizabeth is 24, adventuresome. . . A few years ago, she decided she wanted 2 teach up north. I don't know how she manages 2 keep track of several grades in 1 classroom, but she loves the challenge. She enjoys the outdoors and the lifestyle. She's alwayz been some1 who likes simple thingz."  
  
Yeah, mom, and she likes romantic candlelit dinners, long walks by the beach, and cuddling by a roaring fire on a cold nite. WTF R U doing? So NEway, the chick-cop made a lame joke that the guy-cop shd look up Liz, cuz, y'know, she's in2 "simple thingz". Ooh, burn, Otter County copper-girl.  
  
So Ger is still out of school 2day, but @ least he gets 2 go home & rest there. I'm not gonna C him till 2morrow morning, when he returns 2 school. Dr. Schlanger told Ger it wd B 2 dangerous 4 me 2 visit.


	172. September 20,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Elizabeth,  
  
Those are really nice pictures of you on Canadian Friend Finder. Who does your photography? It doesn't look like anything a Mtigwakian would do. And how did you get your cat to stay still for all those shots?  
  


Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Howard, those photos came from a photo session Mom insisted on. They were done by a close family friend. You might know Weed, he's my brother's best friend. She told me she wanted some updated pictures of family and everyone was going to be doing it eventually. Now we really know what she wanted those pictures for eh?  
  
As for getting Shiimsa to hold still. Valium. Per Dee, it works wonders for calming cats.  
  
April. Mom is in full withdrawl mode. It's going to take her a while to clean up her mess though. You should have seen my email inbox this morning though. There were 5 from some guy calling himself, NotAnOldManYet. Sound like someone we know? (Anthony stop calling me during class. I can't get away to talk, even if you are hysterical about the personal ads).   
  
I've had to do some fancy footwork to get all the filters in order. But here is the scary thing. If Mom can get to the Yahoo personals site as well as the CFF, you better guard your blog. But really she must have a computer savvy accomplice. I wonder who it could be.  
  
I also saw that patrol car again. Yulanda is coming over and we're cooking dinner tonight. I'll ask her about the guy. Since he's kinda cute in an Eric Chambers sorta way, maybe I'll play woman in distress and flag him down. Should be a good distraction for those lonely Mtig nights.

Becky McGuire wrote:

hi sorry i didn't post yet 2day. i m feeling kinda depressed mom is making me go 2 some kind of "encounter workshop" 2day after school. i don't know what that means but she sez it's supposed 2 straighten up "bratty kids like u."   
  
in other news dr. schlanger called me i guess he's confused now he thinks ger has 2 girlfriends an' that i'm "the main one" since i wuz at the hospital in a bikini the nite ger got maimed by the massage table. he wanted 2 tell me that he gave ger sum antidepressant pills they're supposed 2 make him happy while killing his sex drive so his peepee can heal. yeah that's what dr. schlanger called it. neway he wanted 2 tell me 2 wear unsexy clothing around him an' act all unsexy he suggested burping, farting, an' all sorts of stuff. then he sez "tell the auxiliary girlfriend the same thing." like if ger had 2 gfs they would b best pals. that guy is cracked.

April Patterson wrote:

becks, i can't believe that stoopid doc thinx i m the "auxiliary gf". as if i didn't h8 that perv enuf alreadE. hey, & ger, since yr dad doesn't like me NEway, i don't give a flying eff if his old uni bud is offended. go 2 dr. belmore, k?

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
You may not like Dr. Schlanger, but he has the right idea to help Gerald heal. You have already tried the unsexy clothing around Gerald, but that didn't work and I doubt burping, farting and nose-picking will work either. I have some old nun outfits that I used when I performed "Dialogues of the Carmelites" by Poulenc. Perhaps you and Becky could wear those around Gerald? Let me know.

How did your "Encounter Workshop" go? I hope it wasn’t one of those Angel Encounter Workshops, where they teach you how to talk to your personal angel team. I had to go to some of those when I was in the Training School for Boys. Personally I hope you got to go to a Music Encounter Workshop, but from your description that seems unlikely.  
  
Since you guys aren’t going to see Gerald at the hospital, I am going to visit. I feel somehow responsible for his situation, and it is highly unlikely that he will get excited with me.  
  
Toodles

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

I just finished visiting with Gerald at the hospital. His parents were there and they were getting ready to take him home. So I helped them pack up his clothes and the get well flowers and cards that he received, except for the one from your Grandpa Jim congratulating him on getting with 2 girls in one weekend, which I discarded.  
  
Dr. Schlanger had cut down Gerald’s medication, so he was coherent and in reasonably good spirits. Gerald did not remember you visiting yesterday, but he has a recollection of seeing a very attractive farmer in a sack dress made of burlap and a straw hat. I told him that attractive farmer was you. He was glad to hear that.  
  
He really wants to talk to you, April. The story about him having an injury to that area of his body and coming to the hospital with Becky in a bikini, sticky with foam and Baked Alaska, has started a lot of people talking. When Duncan came by with the homework, he told Gerald about all sorts of rumours going around at school about Becky and him doing kinky things with Baked Alaska on a massage table. You and Becky probably didn’t hear them yourselves, but Gerald said that Duncan said that there were a lot of people asking him what he knew. Apparently when you and Becky had your fake fight about your band the first day of school, a lot of people thought it was real, and so they think that Becky was getting revenge on you by going after Gerald.  
  
Gerald is afraid of what Becky may have to say about him. I told him that there was nothing bad in Becky’s posts on this Blog, but Gerald has a clear recollection of Becky taunting him with comments about his parts being cut off, when he was caught in the massage table. I told Gerald that Becky was just making jokes to alleviate the tension of the situation, but I don’t think he believed me.  
  
Anyway, Gerald should be home now and is supposed to be able to go to school tomorrow. By the by, his father mentioned that he had not yet decided on whether or not he should be my surety, but he would make a decision soon. He didn’t want to think about anything but his son’s sexual health for the time being. Dr. Schlanger has recommended that Gerald start seeing a professional sex therapist, since his nocturnal emissions method failed. I suspect that is what Gerald’s father will do.


	173. September 21,2005

So my mom's _still_ talkin' abt her time w/those Otter County cops, but she oughta B done soon, since she's up 2 the part where she was abt 2 leave. That guy-cop gave the Liz pic back 2 Ma & asked if she was _engaged_. What a weird question! Ma tells him no & that she thinx it'll B a few more yrs B4 she meets Mr. Right. Sez she noticed as she sed this that they were passing an office door with "Constable Paul Wright" on it & she just luvved this cuz it was soooo punny. Right. Wright. My family = freaks.  
  
Mom's been trying 2 cancel all those personals ads she's been posting online & in papers, but it's like trying 2 stick a genie back in2 a bottle. Liz already has 2 change her phone # & sez she mite hafta abandon her e-mail acct & just start a new 1. This is all v. v. embarrassing 4 her!  
  
Ger was so anxious 2 see me this morning, he actually met me @ my door & walked me 2 the bus. He didn't wanna let go of my hand & kept tellin' me ov. & ov. that no matter what his dad sez or does, I'm the 1 he's crazee abt, not Becks. & he reminded me that Becks can't stand him NEway.  
  
NEway, I mite not B able 2 post much 2day, cuz Ma got me in2 sum "student leader" thing that meets all day. Ew.


	174. September 21,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

sorry i didn't post last nite i didn't get back frum the workshop til almost midnite. i wish i had sum good stories but it was way lame. first the moms helped the daughters with their homework which wuz both a "team building exercise" an' cuz they sed we wouldn't get out of there til late which wuz a major bad sign. it sucked cuz mom didn't know ne of the answers an' she kept bitching that it wuzn't her job 2 make sure i wuz getting a good education it wuz the school's job. of course that got us singled out by the encounter leader an' she kept saying stuff like "there's no i in team" an' all that lame stuff on the posters in the locker rooms in the gym.   
  
well then we had 2 do this game it's hard 2 explain where there were 4 mom an' daughter pairs on each team an' we had 2 do this thing where we were all stranded on one island that wuz like a big wood box an' we had 2 get every1 across 2 another island using only this dumb board they gave us that wuzn't long enuff. i hope that makes sense 2 u. well, the first thing my mom sez is, "if this is a survival thing we should leave the kids behind u know like they did in ancient times when they couldn't afford 2 feed babies." omfg. yes she really sed that. needless 2 say the encounter leader kept us after class 4 like 5 hours 2 lecture mom on her bad attitude. i fell asleep in the corner.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

hey, peeps, that student leadership thinger was gonna b way lame, but i got out of it. they herded a buncha kidz fr. all ov. ontario in2 the auditorium & did a big roll call & stuff & discovered they'd sumhow over-enrolled. they were all apologetic & asked if ne1 fr. mboro was willing 2 bow out since kidz fr. other schools wd hafta b here till their buses were readE 2 take 'em back @ the end of the day. so i raised my hand & i was outta there!  
  
becks, i can't believe yr mom sed that. hey, i know my mom's effed up in her own spesh way, but lemme know if u wanna camp out @ our place 2nite, 2 b away fr. yr mom.

Vicki Simon wrote:

I feel so bad for u, Liz. U might want to consider moving to British Columbia or Nunavut, bcause my cousin Juliet swore she saw a billboard along Rte. 17 outside Ottawa w/ur picture an' what ur interests are an' a web address. Crazy!!  
  
An' Gerald looks closer 2 normal, even though he's walking with a limp. Right now he must b really embarrassed bcause b/t 2nd an' 3rd periods I walked past his locker (since that's on my way 2 geometry) an' there was this shipping box from Amazon, an' an economy-sized bottle of soap next to it. Gordie Durroucher, whose locker is next 2 Gerald's, asked what that was 4, an' Gerald said "uh....Dr. Schlanger prescribed this 4 me." An' then Gordie burst out laughing. NEway, I thought u'd be better off having advance notice about that Apes...lol.

April Patterson wrote:

hey becks, i was just @ my gramps's place, & it lks like we cd have another gig soon. while i was there, gramps got a call from his friend Robert. he's got a bunch of rellies from new orleans staying w/him & his grandsons & they wanna have sum entertainment 2 take their minds off the crowding & displacement & stuff. gramps told him abt the party we just played this past weekend, & it soundz like mr. freeman is def. interested in booking us!  
  
howard stopped in while i was there & iris tried 2 get him 2 do chores around the house 4 her again. she's all, "coward, i think u will have 2 detail the cracks around the stove b/c of the havarti accident" & he got this lk on his face--4 just 1 second--like, "i am so screwed--again". but i am sick of how my g'rents r exploiting him, so i was like, "iris that's not true & u know it! howard is a custodian here, he's not yr personal maid!" she looked like she was gonna yell @ me, but gramps shot her a look like "don't u effing try it w/my fave g'child, u skank!" or sumthin' like that, lol!  
  
when howard was on a break, he did sum really cute braidz in my hair 4 me. thanx, howard! i m home now w/ger. we're sitting @ the kitchen table reviewing our math 4 friday's test. we've got a big pic of my mom on display 2 keep him from gettin exciting.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I have not been able to post for awhile. When I got home from work, there were a bunch of messages from Rhetta Blum. Apparently Rhetta heard that I was trying to replace her as my surety and she was not happy about it. I haven’t officially gotten a commitment from Gerald’s dad yet, so I can’t afford to have Rhetta drop me. When I talked to Gerald’s dad tonight, he said he was still trying to arrange a professional sex therapist for Gerald, and wouldn’t be able to take on being my surety until he was sure that Gerald had his psychosexual problems taken care of. I talked to my lawyer, who informed me that if Rhetta applies to the judge to be relieved of being my surety, then I have to return to custody until Gerald’s dad is ready. Then I can reapply for release. Anyway, I have been on the telephone with Rhetta trying to convince her not to drop me. I think I was successful, but we’ll see.  
  
I read through your posts, and I am a little surprised by your reaction to April’s grandpa getting you the Robert Freeman party. Hello! Wake up, sleepy head! TV time on a States Nationwide cable network. I know it is reality TV, but they have pop stars on those things all the time pushing their music. Negotiate a guarantee of at least 2 minutes of air time and you mentioned by name on-air verbally and with a caption, and then don’t get petty about the money for the party. National TV time of you performing can make your career. Becky, this could be your big break. I am so excited that they offered it to you. You should be kissing April’s grandpa’s feet, if they weren’t so nasty. I have seen him with his shoes off. It is not a pretty sight.  
  
I understand you and Jeremy want to handle the business end of this yourself, but if you are feeling overwhelmed I can recommend the agent I used back when I used to sing in nightclubs. I haven’t used her in awhile, since I decided to go to opera full time, but I am sure that she is still in the business. Let me know.


	175. September 22,2005

Dad & I were eating our breakfast & talking abt The Kids in the Hall. We just got our season-3 DVD's yesterday, yay! So Mom shuffles in2 the room, pours her coffee, & loads up her plate with muffins, scones, waffles, & danishes. Dad lks @ me & rolls his eyez. Then Ma sits down & she gets that look she has when she's abt 2 tell 1 of her stories. Dad kinda sighs & sez, "Lemme guess, El. U're gonna tell us sum more abt yr trip home." She smiles all britely & sez, "Y, yes! U C, on the way home, after I had that luvly nite's sleep @ the police station in Otter County*, I was listening 2 the radio & switching fr. bad music 2 bad talk 2 more bad music 2 ads 2 more bad talk. So finally I turned off the radio & had 1 of those moments of profound Elly clarity." Dad shoots me another 1 of his looks & I have 2 bite my cheek 2 keep fr. laughing. "It dawned on me that wilderness radio alwayz makes silence sound good!" & she looked @ us like she'd just imparted sum super wisdom on us. I sed, "But Ma, Y didn't U just give Liz's CD's another chance? U gave 'em like 3 seconds B4 U gave up on 'em the 1st time, right? How do U know there's nothing in there U like?" Mom just shook her head & said I missed the whole point of today's installment but she def. had more 4 us 2morrow. Dad sez, "Ooh scintillating." Then when Ma's reloading her coffee mug, he whispers, "MayB she'll tell us whether she saw NE moose on the way home. Or NE quaint highway signs or adorable hicks selling stuff by the road." Mom's all "What?" & Dad's like, "Oh, I was just telling April I can't wait 4 2 morrow's lesson", & Ma got that smug look she gets all the time.

I mentioned in my comments that Robert Freeman wants us 2 play @ his house 2 entertain the NOLA rellies, but I didn't really have deets yet. I got e-mail from his grandson Huey. It turns out that if we do it, we'll B featured on that new reality show their fam's gonna B doing on cable. He sez the network wd pay us, but he wasn't sure how much. Becky, I forwarded the e-mail 2 U & told him U're the 1 who's handling the biz end.

Mom wants me 2 help @ the store after school 2day. Alwayz such a joy (roll eyes).


	176. September 22,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

hey peeps i spoke 2 mr freeman an' man is he a grouch! first thing he sez is "ur a perky little white girl ren't u?" i go, "well yeah" an' he sez "i don't like that kind of music and i figure ur going 2 want 2 wear all kinds of skanky clothes and simulate sex with the microphone stand and whatnot." my jaw just kind of dropped an' i go "well i try 2 perform the kinds of music that the audience wants" an' he goes "u know ne snoop dawg?" like it wuz a challenge. i go "i have listen 2 his songs but a perky little white girl is gonna look dumb trying 2 rap them" an' he laffed. then he asked me if i knew ne billie holliday songs. i do know 1 "when a woman loves a man" cuz gramma dorcas used 2 sing it when she would get drunk an' clean the house. well i sang it 4 him an' he wuz impressed he sed "i'm surprised a dippy little white girl knows billie holliday" an' i got mad an' sed "well i'm surprised a grouchy old man like u knows quality when he hears it" an' he laffed again an' asked me if we could do the gig next week. he wants billie holliday an' aretha franklin i think bcuz he thinks it will b funny or something. i booked the gig 4 next weekend cuz i'm not gonna b in mboro this weekend. i hope that's ok it doesn't give us a lot of time 4 u guyz 2 learn 2 play all new instruments. well i bet ger can do it tho since he went on prozak he has amazing focus. he already has his term paper on the punic wars done an' it's not even due til november 1!!  
  
well like i sed i won't b around all weekend actually starting 2morrow. mom got her big check frum dad 4 back alimony an' she decided 2 use it 2 get boob implants. yuk i know. neway, she goes under the knife 2morrow morning so she's sending me 2 great aunt jackie's house 2nite so i won't b in school 2morrow. she doesn't have a puter an' she told me she is having a 3 day boggle tournament at her house an' i'm expected 2 play. so i have a feeling i m gonna b busy all weekend.  
  
gotta go, bio u know

April Patterson wrote:

becks, i don't think we will have a prob getting readE 4 that gig. that robt freeman guy soundz a lil kookie! o, & dunc sez he got an e-mail fr. huey saying that his bro riley found some "MC DunC" rap mp3's online & they mite ask dunc 2 do sum raps. then he sez huey was all, "p.s. don't tell gramps", so i dunno what-all that's abt.  
  
ger u r alreadE done w/that paper? will u help me research mine?  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

omg apes u will not believe what just happened! we were in bio an' ger fell over rite out of his seat! we all thought he wuz dead but the teach held her compact mirror under his nose an' it fogged up so she goes an' sends jenny fetazzio 4 the nurse. well u know ol' "fatassio" is teacher's pet but the fattest kid in school so it took like 15 minutes 4 her 2 come back with nurse horbreth. When the nurse saw ger laying there on the floor she started to kinda freak she wuz like "oh no my poor friend ger i wuz rite! his package must have exploded an' killed him! damn that april patterson!" an' then get this nurse horbreth scoops ger up in her arms an' cradles him like a baby as she carries him 2 the nurse's office! well i wuzn't gonna miss that so i followed an' told her he wuz still breathing so she called dr. f an' dr. schlanger an' they came 2 get him in dr. schlanger's private ambulance which is--get this--a converted hearse!! so they loaded ger in2 the hearse an' totally peeled rubber when they left the parking lot with sirens an' everything. dr. schlanger sed not 2 worry an' then he sed 2 b especially sure 2 relay that message 2 "gerald's auxiliary girlfriend april." wtf? that guy is cracked.  
  
neway, i don't really think it wuz his package ger hasn't been acting rite since he started taking all that prozac.


	177. September 23,2005

I told my dad abt how Becky's mom's getting implants 2day w/her alimony $. & Dad tried 2 force some lame Patterson joke using "support" checques vs. "support" fr. a bra, but I must say I tune him out when he makes jokes that have NEthing 2 do w/boobs. Cuz, ew, Dad. So I'm doing my little "la la la" song in my head at the kitchen table when Ma strolls in as usual & Dad & I look @ each other wondering what _2day's_ installment will B. & she's actually up 2 the part where she got home & I sicced the dogs on her. "Enthusiastic reception", my rear. Actually this was Dad's idea. He wanted 2 get her back for e-mailing that hiddy jail pic. He sed he'd been looking at sum luvly, luvly _train_ pics on the 'puter, when all of a sudden he had _that_ show up & it just killed his enthusiasm. Or sumthin'. I don't even wanna think abt it, peeps. So Dad was like, "Elly, we know this part, Y R U reviewing this?" She looked @ him blankly & sed "I'm putting it all in context, John. _Context_. U never appreciate these subtleties. Now, make sure U buy more danishes, muffins, donuts, bagels, scones, tarts, tortes, pies, Napoleans, beaver tails, and beignets on yr way home fr. the clinic 2day!"  
  
NEway, it's finally Friday, but I can't even go out w/Gerald 2nite cuz he's in the hospital in his catatonic state fr. taking 2 much Prozac. I talked 2 his mom this morning & she sez they think he'll B like that 4 most of the wkend, tho he's showing signs of improvement. His Dad doesn't want me 2 visit, but his Mom sez I can stop by rite after school & stay 4 abt 15 min. or so & Dr. Forsythe will nev. know.


	178. September 23,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

hey apes well i'm at aunt jackie's house. she lives in buffalo which is a way lame city btw. i wuz gonna sleep in cuz no school rite? well i totally couldn't aunt jackie lives in a mobile home with only 1 bedrm an' so i had 2 sleep w/ her an' she snores like a 747 at takeoff. so i got up an' m posting frum my phone. turns out that the boggle tourny doesn't start til noon. aunt jackie is just like mom she drinks all nite an' sleeps til noon. guess it's genetic. well mom has been better l8ly i guess. not feeling 2 charitable 2 her since she is spending all that money on new boobs an' i know she's totally paying all the bills frum my child support so ne new clothes other then my uni i have 2 buy myself. mom is all like "u have a job now! u can support urself!" whatever.  
  
glad 2 hear ger is doing better i don't like him much but i don't want him dead or nething. an' of course i don't want apes 2 have the trauma of her bf biting the green weenie. well i gotta say i hope they only cut his prozac back a little cuz i wuz just starting 2 like him what with how mellow he wuz. apes u prolly like it 2 what with him not being so horny an' all. an' i think it's prolly what he needs 2 keep his dick from getting mangled so often. i hope this dr. schlanger knows what he's doing.  
  


Brandon Delaney-Forsythe wrote:

Dear kids,  
  
I know you are all anxious to hear about my son Gerald's medical condition. I am pleased to tell you that he has improved somewhat. His catatonia has partially remitted. He is now blinking his eyes and moving his limbs, albeit very, very slowly. He still remains alogic (unable to speak) and his affect is flat (meaning he has no feelings), but he is able to understand what we are saying to him. He is also taking semi-solid foods such as Jell-O and his mother's special Mashed Nanners.   
  
Gerald's psychiatrist, Dr. Krazenfutz, has explained that the pharmacy made a mistake when filling Gerald's prescription. Dr. Schlanger had prescribed 100 mg of Prozac daily, which is a high dose, but still perfectly safe. However, the pharmacist who filled the prescription misread it and gave him 1000 mg instead. I have already consulted a lawyer about this matter. Apparently, the offending pharmacist, one Deanna Patterson, has quite a history of making mistakes such as this one. We will be pursuing legal action, but my lawyer says that the licensing board has always let Ms. Patterson off with a mere slap on the wrist in the past.  
  
I know that you are all probably very concerned about how all of this will affect Gerald's already troubled psychosexual development. The experts disagree on this issue. I am cautiously optimistic. Dr. Krazenfutz, however, says he wants Gerald to attend therapy three times per week until we are sure that his sexuality is not affected. Dr. Schlanger strongly disagrees. He says he doesn't understand how falling into a catatonic state has anything to do with Gerald's penile function or psyche. Naturally, one cannot expect a mere urologist to understand the nuances of the fragile human ego.  
  
I know you kids are all probably quite concerned about me posting on this blog. I am aware of its existence only because I monitor Gerald's internet usage closely to make sure he is viewing the appropriate amount and type of pornography for a boy with a normal libido. (One must be watchful for paraphilias, as they develop around this age.) Rest assured that I understand the importance of boundaries in the parent/child relationship. I have deliberately avoided reading any of the posts on this blog. Actually, I did try to read a little of today's entry, but I just don't understand how you kids type these days.  
  


Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes! Kimmis grounded 'cos Luggie busted her 4 lifting sum lipstix from the evrything 4 a loonie store. Her mom says its my fault 'cos Im a ‘perv whos been in trouble b4’ an' says that Kimmi cant c me NEmore but her mom cant stop us. I think Kimmi an' I will B even more 2gether now 'cos weve got even more interests in common like wanting 2 sue Luggie. BTW, did u no yr mom is coming ovr 2 my place this aft 4 another Bajan cooking lesson an' my dad is going to yr place 2 work on yr dads Halloween choo-choo display? Want 2 meet me @ Horny Tims after school? Ill bring my ipod so u can check out sum new tracks that Ive laid down an' mayB u will want 2 spoil yr appetite b4 u go home.

April Patterson wrote:

omigah, becks, i can't believe yr mom is using child support $ 4 the new boobs! i bet yr dad is not gonna b happy abt that!  
  
when the dogz knocked over mom that was 2 effin' funny! u shd have seen her glasses go flyin' off her face. lol!  
  
Im glad 2 hear ger is doing better. i'm also glad that dr. f disagrees w/dr. perv abt sumthin' cuz mayB there's a chance he will change docs.  
  
neway, dunc, i m totally gonna meet u @ horny tim's. it's perfect cuz it's just a block away fr. the hospital. i'm gonna stop there rite after school but then i shd b @ horny tim's like 20 min. l8r. u r so rite 2 wanna b outta the house when our dads work on that holiday choo-choo display. u know how they get.  
  
man, i can't believe that abt kimmi & her mom. if only her mom cd get 2 know u, she'd know this wasn't yr fault.  
  


Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

April!  
  
Yulanda and I were going through my overloaded e-mail a lot of them were stupid pick up lines from guys in M-bro I used to know and a few I went to college with. Others were really perverted and some old guy wants to hire me to nurse him all better. I then noticed this one:  
  
Lovely Liz. I long to lick you lucious lips. I ache to aquire you affection. I yearn to yank you you know what. Ahhh Lovely Liz lemme lemme.  
  
From EPMDMEMLYOUSS@something.com.  
  
It creeped us out bad. Worse, it reminds me of a love poem Mike wrote for Dee once.  
  
Officer Moresel (as Yulanda calls him) has been spotted all over Mitg. People haven't talked to him though so I don't know what his intentions are. Otherwise, there haven't been any other repercussions from Mom's matchmaking attempts. I yelled at her again about the billboard and she swore it's been taken down. So, if you see any other averts, lemme know.

April Patterson wrote:

so i went 2 the hospital rite after school just like i planned & i was sitting w/gerald telling him abt the math test we had 2day. man, was that hard, but i think i did ok. i figured just telling him abt my day cd help & he had this lk on his face like he was interested in what i was saying. i started 2 tell him abt p.e. class. pilates again. but mrs. f. came running in, tossing her diet soda & rice cakes on2 a side table & grabbing me, yanking me out of my seat.  
  
"mrs. forsythe! what r u doing!"  
  
"u have 2 go!"  
  
"but i've only been here 5 minutes!"  
  
"yes, & dr. forsythe is early so u have to go, go, go! he can't c u here! he thinx i'm keeping u out!"  
  
she practically threw me out! i can't believe how dr. f. blamez me 4 gerald's trubs. so unfair, peeps!  
  
so i was really glad 2 c dunc was alreadE @ horny tim's when i got there. we kinda bonded ov. being h8ed by parents of our squeezes. (well, i dunno if dunc & kimmi r officially bf/gf or what, but u know what i mean.)  
  
then 2 help cut the tension we both were feeling abt all that, dunc did these scary-accurate imitations of john & elly patterson. u shd ask him 2 do them 4 u next time u see him, u will pee yr pants laughing!


	179. September 24,2005

So Mom's been rehashing all week, and this morning was no exception, even tho she was just telling us abt a convo she had w/Dad when she got back. Long trip, totally worth it, Liz situated, yada, yada, yada. But I didn't realise till just now that Liz has told Mom she's not coming home 4 Xmas. Gotta say I'll miss seeing U, Liz, but also WTG! Cuz shizzit, look what happs when U do come home. & it's not like U need another New Year's with Granthony. Mom was blathering on & on abt how "priceless" quality time is, & I almost spat out my triple-shot grande latte, cuz I'd just gotten a txt fr. Liz saying "OMG, Apes, can I even tell U how glad I am that my time w/Mom is over? I thought it was gonna B forever!"


	180. September 24,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

hey i bet granthony is the reason liz isn't coming home 4 christmas break which really surprizes me cuz u know i totally thought she would want 2 marry him. mayb she will end up married to this cop stalker guy, huh? hey i wonder how come all liz's bfs r so creepy? cuz really liz, think about it--granthony eric an' now stalker cop (well he doesn't count yet but great aunt jackie saw 1 of the billboards w/ liz on it an' i told her i knew the girl an' told her abt stalker cop an' she sez "well i'm psychic u know tell her not 2 write him off just yet b/c i sense that he's a stallion--or as i like 2 say, a thorvald--in the sack." an' i wuz all like eww on the thorvald part, but whatever. hey u know liz u should just call warren up an' ask him 2 marry u that might scare all the stalker guys off neway he's the only normal guy u ever dated.  
  
ok gotta go get cleaned up i wuz up til 3 am playing boggle an' i musta passed out cuz when i woke up i wuz face-down on the shag carpeting in the living room i have woofies in my hair an' carpet indentations on my face. great aunt jackie musta made it 2 bed somehow cuz she's in there snuggling her favorite bottle of jack daniels. funny thing is i actually won a lot more games then u mite thing prolly cuz all the old biddies were totally plastered. well really gotta go now gotta get clean an' wake aunt jackie up b4 those old hags show up again in less then a hour. i think i won't clean up the chex mix that got ground in2 the rug until 2morrow why do it now when u know there will just b more?

Duncan Anderson wrote:

Hey, Apes! Sorry yr mom screwed up the recipe again. MayB u should give me a recipe that yr mom can cook an' Ill c if my mom will pretend its Bajan.  
  
I asked my mom what recipe she tot yr mom an' my mom said "cou-cou" an' then started laughing an' laughing. I heard my mom talking 2 my dad l8r. She was still laughing. She said yr mom kept asking my mom all sorts of questions abt me, like what r my fav foods, what r my fav tv programmes, and even what r my fav colours. Yr mom said 2 my mom that yr dad should take us horseback riding like he used 2. My dad said I only took them 2 ride ponies @ the pony farm 1X 4 Duncans 6th birthday an' then they both started laughing so hard I thot they were going 2 bust something. NEway, they kept saying "Cou-cou Elly" 2 each other and laughing all night when they thot I wasnt listening.  
  
I went over 2 Kimmis this am 2 c if I could c her but her mom was sitting on the front porch. Mrs. L. started yelling @ me, saying stay away from my Kimmi u perv, Elly Patterson told me all abt u.  
  
I dunno, Apes, I just dont get yr mom @ all. Im glad shes going shopping 2morrow so she wont B there when I come over 2 jam.  
  



	181. September 25,2005

I just hafta say, thanks, Connie, 4 going shopping w/my mom so I didn't have 2. Mom got it in her head 2 go 2 the mall brite & early again cuz they were having special sales w/limited, 1st-come, 1st serve merch. & somehow she roped Connie Poirier in2 going w/her. She just got back & I heard her tellin' Dad all abt how Connie's "pride" kept her fr. saving $ w/the senior discount. Ma was all, "I cd get used 2 this, John. I'm gonna go upstairz & make myself look even frumpier so _more_ salespeople will assume I'm a senior! Whoo! Five bucks!" Dad sat down & kinda shook his head @ Mom's back as she went up the stairs. Then he muttered something abt how she needn't try so hard 2 look old & decrepit.  
  
Dunc & his dad will B here l8r so our dads can play their little choo-choo gamez & Dunc & I can jam. Dunc sez Mom's been feeding Kimmi LaSalle's mom all kindsa stuff abt how he's a bad seed & even gave her a brochure abt getting law-enforcement 2 keep him away. This is so weird cuz my mom's alwayz going on & on 2 me abt how Dunc is like fam & he's so wonderful. Wait. OMG, Dunc, I think that's it. If my mom thinx of U as an honorary member of the fam, that meanz she thinx it's OK 4 her 2 meddle in2 yr love life. & she musta decided that Kimmi's not good enuf 4 U. OMG, that reminds me. I saw her holding a picture of U next 2 Keesha Grant's middle-school yearbook pic & saying how cute U'd look 2gether.  
  
Oh, Dunc, I think Beckers is rite & U totally need 2 do that Hurricane Katrina benny @ the Freemans. Cuz it's gonna B massively gr8 exposure. & I know Huey & Riley wanna get U 2 do a bunch of rap stuff. Even some of yr own, cuz they found yr samples online. Now, just 2 prepare U, Huey's gonna want U 2 wear yr hair in a 'fro & Riley's gonna want U 2 do cornrows.


	182. September 25,2005 - comments

Duncan Anderson wrote:

Its so cube that ppl r listening 2 my mp3 tracks on the net. I say ok 2 the gig, Beckers, on these conditions:  
  
1\. McDunC gets 1 set @ least 20 min long;  
  
2\. No one cuts MCDunCs hair but he will wear hair xtensions if they make him look more studly;  
  
3\. MCDunC gets 1 comp ticket 4 Kimmi; an' most importantly,  
  
4\. MCDunC gets a copy of the tv programme on DVD or VCD 'cos r dish wont get it.  
  
L8r.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

i think mc dunce has a swollen head. first we r not gonna set aside special time 4 just u. i have already done a rough draft of the set lists an' i tried 2 mix the old stuff (billie an' aretha) with the new stuff (snoop an' 50 cent an' puffy) so that no1 will get bored 4 2 long if they don't like 1 kind of the music. but it's half an' half an' none of us can rap so u will b doing abt half the singing.

  
there ren't tickets cuz this is a party. ask mr freeman if u want 2 get her invited. good luck. he is a mean ol' grouch.  
  
nobody cares what u do 2 ur hair.  
  
oh man boggle wuz krazee last nite. aunt jacks got in2 it with some old bag named bertha an' they had a nasty fight. bertha claimed that "misunderestimate" is a real word an' aunt jacks sed it wuzn't. then bertha sed "well i herd prez bush say it" an' aunt jacks sez "well that's a reliable source!" all sarcastic like an' bertha starts yelling, "jacqueline carrington macleod sanchez barnaby jones, u r just another canadian communist!" at that aunt jacks jumped up an' dumped the boggle table over an' goes, "u want a piece of me?" an' bertha stabs her in the arm with a knitting needle. that pissed aunt jacks off real bad an' she smashed her bottle of wild turkey on the edge of the kitchen counter an' used the broken end as a weapon. she chased bertha around the trailer trying 2 slash her. bertha barricaded herself in the bedroom. then the other ladies agreed 2 help aunt jacks break down the bedroom door if she would put the broken bottle down she agreed an' they used a coat rack as a battering ram. well they got the door open an' they all ran in2 the bedroom an' having all that weight at the rear end of the trailer made it tip over. we were all laying in the back of the trailer with no way 2 get out 4 about 3 hours b4 the neighbors called the fire department 2 rescue us. needless 2 say they declared a draw on the boggle tournament.  
  
i m back in mboro i just took a bus. mom is real sore an' grumpy an' sez i have 2 come straight home after school 2morrow 2 take care of her. 


	183. September 26,2005

So Mom is _still_ reminiscing. & now she's backtracked 2 her _arrival_ in Mtigtwodaysaway. WTF? So Vivian had cleaned the apt, but there was a skunk under the porch. Apparently, that creepy, stalkerish little kid Jesse was there 2 pt it out. So, Jesse, did _you_ put that skunk under the porch? & now I'm _really_ confused. I mean, it doesn't sound like NE1 else uses that apt after Lizzie is kicked out 4 the summer. She told us it was come home or find a place 4 just the break time. But Y don't those freaky school peeps just let Liz keep the apt all yr round if they're not using it 4 something else? Is there some "wise native" reason that U can only understand if U know how 2 talk Ojibway? And OMG, I know he's annoying & all, but don't U wonder what's goin' on with Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, & their freaky-deaky living sitch?  
  
Well, it's a new school day & Gerald's back fr. the hospital. I can hardly w8 2 just sit around & talk 2 him. No, sit around & listen 2 _him_ talk, cuz I've really missed his voice. Catatonia sux, ppl! NEway, I've gotta go, Dunc's trying 2 get my attention.


	184. September 26,2005 - comments

Anthony Caine wrote:

April,  
  
I think your mom might need medication. I was doing some bookkeeping for her on Sunday (only 215 weeks until I'm free and clear of what I owe Gordon for the loss of The Gig!) and gar, all she talks about is Liz and Mtig. While I never mind hearing about Liz (though whether she has bowel movements first thing in the morning or after mid-afternoon coffee is TMI, if you ask me), it's like nobody else has an existence at all.  
  
Your Mom thinks the First Nations people are the cat's miaow. "Practically Pattersons in every way," she said, about nine times. To hear her tell it, they dance around cleaning and filling refrigerators while whistling "A Spoonfull of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down" or kicking up their heels to "Step in Time" while doing Liz's yardwork.  
  
Scary. I asked her if Liz told her about the crystal meth or problems with school attendance and she called me a racist! "I never expected to hear that kind of filth from you, Anthony. Especially about a people who really know how to treat their betters."  
  
I slipped one of my mom's diazepams into her latte, which I know I shouldn't have done, but I had work to do and I couldn't stand to hear any more about how hard the noble red people work.  
  


Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

April,  
  
I suppose I could stay in Mtig all summer, but I really need to make money. There aren't many paying jobs for me to do once school is out.  
  
Anthony that was most excellent of you to slip Mom some meds. April maybe you can talk Dee into some "free samples" and start slipping them into her breakfast coffee daily. I don't want to be Mom's mini-me. I want to be my own me me me.  
  
That skunk still stinks. I've talked to Gary about removing it and he mumbled something about not wanting to mess with the natural course of nature and took off. And yes Jesse is here daily. Mooching cookies and playing with Shiimsa. I think he wants me to adopt him.

Becky McGuire wrote:

diazepam is generic valium an' b4 u say "becky is a druggie" it's just the opposite my mom gets generic valium an' i have 2 hold it 4 her cuz she can't b trusted with it.  
  
well i m back frum the states an' real glad even tho mom is acting like a total pill, moaning "oh my boobs hurt!" an' "y did i have 2 get them so big?!" an' they r big 2 they look like 2 giant canteloupe got shoved in there. she is gonna have 2 buy all new clothing so i guess i know what she's gonna spend the child support on this month.  
  
i saw ger already an' he seems good still acting a little slow tho.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I had an interesting conversation with your grandpa Jim that may explain what I have been doing lately. This is as best as I can remember it:  
  
Jim: Let’s take a walk Coward. I want to smell the cool, damp soil…I want to see clear pearls of water on the grass, the leaves, the flowers! I want to feel the wind in my hair and the rain in my face!  
  
Me: It’s not raining, but all right. Mr. Richards, I want to thank you and Iris for becoming my sureties. I was so surprised you would do this for me.  
  
Jim: Every morning, when I wake up, I’m surprised to discover that I’m still here! And I’m glad – because, no matter how old you are…there’s always something good to look forward to…like seeing our children and grandchildren and especially great grandchildren. Iris and I saw Gerald in the hospital last weekend. He looked like he wasn’t going to make it to his marriageable years before Milborough killed him, plus his doctor kept on calling April his auxiliary girlfriend. April can’t have her gay sitting in jail getting who-knows-what kind of diseases. You may have to step in for Gerald any day now.  
  
Me: Mr. Richards, you may as well know that April doesn’t plan to stay in Milborough once she gets out of school, so being nice to me for being her backup gay is not necessary.  
  
Jim: All the youngsters getting ready to go back to school. Teenagers off to face new challenges. Older ones going away to university. These are the people who’ll be taking over from our children, Coward. Soon, they’ll own all the businesses and make all the decisions…and, each generation believes they’ll do a better job of running the world than the last one did! Will they get us out of the mess we’re in? It’s still possible to make the same old mistakes.  
  
Me: I thought you were still upset with me for messing up your last performance with the New Bentwood Rockers.  
  
Jim: Every time a live performance screws up, it’s for a different reason! Someone else might have received first prize, but you won the respect and admiration of everyone in the theatre. And that, my beautiful talented gay…is success.  
  
Me: For me, success was finding a surety and getting out of jail. I thought I was going to grow old in there.  
  
Jim: It’s the lucky people who get to grow old, Coward. Some folks don’t get this far. But-giving up your youth and your good looks is difficult. You can’t talk about being “old” yet, Coward. You’re still a baby. Look at you-cleaning our bathrooms, scrubbing our floors …you can scour, mop, go out to get food for us…this is the best part of your life! And it’s a small price to pay for us being your surety. Now be a good gay, and carry me up these stairs.  
  


PS.

Becky and April,  
  
We can definitely have a party tomorrow in the early evening after I get off work. If you have any special foods you like, I am taking requests for supper items.  
  
I did go out and visit an establishment that cannot be legally visited by 14-year-old girls as an early celebration and some things occurred that I need to tell you about.  
  
As you know, I am persona non grata in the gay bars, and it is dangerous for me to go unaccompanied by a woman into a straight bar in Milborough. This evening I decided to see if I could go to the straight bar dressed in my full female regalia and avoid a tonguing. I went to the Windsor Hotel. I don’t know if you know it, but it has a bar and a small dance floor. I had just had a few Mojitos, and was pretty convinced I had not been spotted until I heard a voice say, “Howard Kelpfroth. Is that you in that dress?” I covered up that spot on my body where a tongue doesn’t belong, and the voice said, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to tongue you. It didn’t work the last time.” So I look up and see a woman wearing a spandex outfit, who appears to have stuffed a large watermelon over her chest. It is Becky’s mom, Karen. She says, “Howard, I didn’t know you were so pretty” and she kind of laughed a little and then said, “Ow. Ow. Ow.” And those little stars came out of her watermelon.  
  
I said to Karen, “What’re you doing here? I thought Becky was taking care of you.” She said, “I snuck out of the house while Becky wasn’t looking. Those pain pills aren’t doing any thing for me after my operation” she said gesturing at her watermelon. “I needed something a little more familiar.” I said, “I thought you weren’t drinking anymore.” She said, “Controlled doses. Controlled doses.” I said, “I think I see your problem and maybe we can fix this without having to resort to alcohol. Your clothes are too tight across your watermelon.” She gave me a strange look and then laughed and then went “Ow. Ow. Ow.” And more stars appeared. I took her back to the ladies room and said, “The outfit I am wearing used to be too big for you, but I think that my brassiere would be just the right size for you now. Also my mini skirt is probably a midi on you.” So we switched clothes and sure enough, the bra that fit my 116-centimetre chest, fit her perfectly. Fortunately for me, her spandex outfit really stretches. So, then I said, “Mrs. McGuire. Let me take you to my apartment. I think I have a number of outfits that will fit you quite well, and you won’t have to resort to using child support money to pay for new clothes.” So we went back to my place and I gave her a lot of my outfits. She looks pretty good in them, and I don’t really have as much a use for that stuff as I once did.  
  
We went from my apartment back to her house and I dropped her off. Becky, you were asleep by then, so I was trying to leave without waking you up. Your mother said, “Howard. I know you haven’t gotten any loving in awhile, so how about we get together. I could really use some help relaxing from the pain.” I told her that I spent the last several days in jail and had gotten more loving than I could handle, but that if she had a feather I could show her some techniques some of my lesbian friends taught me. After she was relaxed and asleep, I went home. It’s late now, but Becky, if you see all those new clothes of your mom’s, now you know where they came from.


	185. September 27,2005

U know that trick where U cut out pics of eyes and tape them 2 yr eyelids? So when U R so bored U don't know what 2 do U can close yr eyes but still look like U R paying v. v. close attention? Well, Dad & I decided 2 do that this morning. Cuz after yesterday, we had a feeling Ma was just warming up for a week's worth of breakfast reminiscences abt her time w/Liz up north. We were all ready 4 her when she showed up & started yakking away abt berries and bear poops, & we were totally getting away w/this whole eyelid trick. Until Dad started to SNORE. Oh, and DROOL. Boo. Mom had a total fit when she realized we'd been napping. & after she ripped our false eyes off our lids, she told her story all over again. Ugh. So apparently every1 thought it was big funny 2 warn Mom 2 watch out for the steaming mounds o' bear defecation. Now _that's_ comedy. When yr life is terribly, terribly dull that is. Tho my mom admitted that the Jesse kid looked creepy when he laughed with his little stalker tongue sticking out.  
  
NEway, I'm sorry my post is l8 2day. Since my mom had 2 tell her dumb story 2x 2day, I didn't get a chance 2 post B4 school. Then on the bus, Dunc wanted me 2 look @ pics he'd taken of himself & tell him which 1's made him look tough.


	186. September 27,2005 - comments

Becky McGuire wrote:

god ur mom thinks everything natives say is so wise. "don't step in the bear poop" is not a profound statement. duh. i hate when ur mom goes 2 mtigwhatever cuz she always comes back all full of "wisdom."  
  
my mom is doing a lot better 2day. her pain meds finally kicked in an' she looks pretty good in the tops howard lent her tho she is kinda mad 2 find out that her boobs r now so big she has 2 wear a size 20. she used 2 b a 6 an' so proud of her figure. she is already talking abt mayb having them removed an' "getting a refund." i tried 2 tell her that boobs r a "all sales final" kinda thing but she won't listen. what a freak. neway she admitted that she got the boobs 2 try 2 win dad back. i pointed out 2 her that with all that time in jail dad wuz prolly back 2 being totally gay. this has convinced her 2 definitely get the boob implants removed. which frankly i m happy abt cuz she keeps whacking the new boobs in2 stuff around the house. she already broke that little tv in my bedroom!  
  
ok gotta go ger is drooling again an' i need 2 wipe his chin an' remind him 2 post. dr. kranz did say he would keep getting better, rite?  
  


Gerald Forsythe wrote:

Darling Flower,  
  
I am doing better. I can almost have feelings again. For example, my heart does that little fluttery thing when I see you. I am hoping for some more improvement though. Everyone keeps telling me that I move very slow. I get shoved a lot in the halls.

Elizabeth Patterson wrote:

Don't worry about those Mtigians. She also told her the bear poop makes a good age reducing mask. Though I guess mom will be throwing the jar of stuff she took home now that she realizes she can get senior citizen discounts. If you see her trying to give it to Connie...Well, Just give Connie a heads up because Jesse's aunt was just pulling Mom's leg.  
  
Mom was drooling so badly at the thought of fresh berry pie that people were kinda scared of her. And Vivian was ticked because Mom cleaned me out of food while she was here, them moved on to Viv's stash. I heard Jesse singing the following: "She Who Carries Wideload can really put away that food. She's like a bear preparing for hibernation. Oh. That's why she smells like bear $h*t."

Becky McGuire wrote:

well u know my mom is a chef. she always wanted 2 open up her own business but she worries cuz food-related businesses go bankrupt a lot. well we were sitting around talking the other day b4 she went in 4 surgery an' she wuz saying that she thinks she's gonna go 4 it neway cuz she's tired of working 4 "the man." i suggested she open a bakery called "karen's kakes an' pies" cuz she'll do a booming business just frum ur mom alone. she sez she's gonna get started as soon as she's feeling a little better.

ps. wow mom just called she signed a lease on that store u told her abt apes! apparently she told the realtor abt her idea an' he goes "with jelly fatterson down the street u will make a mint!" an' gave her a break on the rent in exchange 4 a kickback when the $$$ starts 2 gush down the street frum liliputs in2 the bakery. mom sed she just had 2 jump on that deal.

ps2. howie i talked 2 mom abt u going 2 work 4 her. she is ok with it but she sez she can't afford an employee rite off the bat. she sez u will have 2 wait a little while. she is starting totally cheapo just dragging her oven frum home 2 the store. it's weird she's a chef but she never, ever cooks 4 me at home.   
  
i guess that store has been sitting empty 4 awhile cuz they r letting mom move in rite away. she sez she will start by baking cookies 2morrow an' hanging out a sign she printed off my puter. i think she is going 2 count on the jelly fatterson cash 2 grow the business.

April Patterson wrote:

so i'm @ becky's now helping her make signs 4 her mom. i told my mom abt the bake shop & she's totally pumped abt it, lol. mom was so busy talking abt liz & noble natives, she hardly had any work 4 me 2 do after school 2day. just unpacking some new bks & stuff like that.  
  
neway, becks & i will b leaving 4 howard's party soon. he called fr. the odefoax place 2 say it was ok 4 ger & dunc 2 go, so they're mtg us there.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
I am home from the grocery and have started cooking. Come on over. In addition to you, April, Gerald, and Duncan; I also invited Kimmi LaSalle, Jeremy Jones, Vicki Simone, Marla McGuire and Maynard Mahoney. I am going to make enough food so it won’t matter who shows up. I should have enough for you to take home for your mother, just so she can get a sample of my cooking. Did you guys need a ride to my apartment?  
  
By the by, I did invite your mother, but she said she was too busy setting up "Karen’s Kakes and Pies” to come. I was impressed she is getting that business going so quickly. Usually, you have to apply for a business licence and with a place where food is stored, prepared, or sold for human consumption, you have to have the place and its equipment examined before you can start. Maybe she knows a way around that stuff.

April Patterson wrote:

so i'm posting this fr. howard's place. ger & dunc were w8ing 4 us when we got there. kimmi got here rite aft. we did (her 'rents don't know dunc is here), & marla just walked in w/maynard & vicki. u shd see the outfit howard has on! but i will let him describe it himself. mm, he's passing out sum mini-quiches. i luv those thingz. oh, & jeremy jones just walked in. he rolled his eyez @ me but smiled as soon as he saw becks. going now. howard wants 2 do a sing-along!

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

I tried to do a sing-along of favorite opera choruses, but only Becky seemed interested, and I think was just pretending. So, I brought out the supper, we started off with wild mushroom soup, Silesian dumplings, and the Kelpfroth family potato and cheese pierogies, and a beef tenderloin served with mushroom sauce (mushrooms were on sale at the grocery). Then I brought out my pastry tray that I made to impress Becky, so she can recommend me to her mother. We had Swans, Napoleans, Frangipane Boats, Chambord Slices, and Eclairs.  
  
We retired to my living room and everyone has kind of coupled up (Becky and Jeremy, April and Gerald, Duncan and Kimmi, Marjee and Maynard). I sat with Vicki Simone, so she wouldn’t feel left out. Then I suggested a good old-fashioned game of Truth or Dare.  
Kimmi started out and chose truth. I gave her the question:   
“Who is most beautiful person you know (inside and out)?”  
Kimmi blushed and said, “Duncan. He’s so kind and nice and good-looking. He sings really good and like the way his big purple lips look when he sings.” Duncan got really embarrassed by this.  
  
Kimmi picked Duncan next. He also chose truth and she asked him, “What is your most romantic dream?” He said, “That private rainbow party you’ve been talking about. I dream about that every night.” Then he was embarrassed again.

I said that the new rule is that the dare cannot include any kind of physical intimacy. (That probably should have been the rule in the first place, but who knew Jeremy would actually kiss April. Not me.) It was Jeremy’s turn and he chose Vicki. Vicki chose truth. Jeremy asked her what guy in the room she would most want to be with. Vicki turned pale and said she was doing dare instead. So Jeremy said for her to eat a piece of meat, knowing that she is a vegetarian. Vicki said she wasn’t doing that. So, it was time for the penalty, when you don’t do either truth or dare. The group decided that we would go outside and that I would have to hold hands with Vicki and sing a love song to her, out where everyone could see her and what I was wearing. We went out to the parking lot and I sang Vicki this song:  
  
Vicki Simone  
She’s the cubest girl I’ve known.  
She’s so cute and not a crone.  
She’s strong and has a backbone.  
Her voice is sweet, not monotone.  
Deserves to be upon a throne.  
Her half-sis Marla chaperones  
Her to concerts, she’s not alone.  
Eating meat she won’t condone.  
Her library job she bemoans.  
Ottawa used to be her home.  
Milborough now where she roams.

Becky McGuire wrote:

ok so i dared jeremy 2 kiss apes with tongue. i thought that would be funnee cuz every1 knows that jer doesn't like apes. well i wuz surprized cuz jer grabs apes an' dips her back an' kisses her like in the movies. i swear i thought his tongue wuz caught in her esophagus or something. well ger totally freaked he is still kinda spaced out but even with all that 'zac on board he still knew enuff 2 b pissed that sum other guy wuz sucking face with his lady. so ger jumped on jer's back an' started wailing on him it wuz more activity in 1 minute then ger has done in like 2 weeks. he wuz yelling something like "the a only goes 2 1st base with the c!" i have 2 admit i wuz pretty pissed 2. so i tried 2 dive in between apes an' jer an' i ended up whacking heads with both of them an' i think all 3 of us saw stars just like were coming out mom's boobs last nite. i know i did. jer fell backwards on top of ger an' that made ger fall face-first in2 marjee's lap. marla screamed an' maynard got all mad. maynard grabbed ger by the collar an' started shaking him like a rag doll. marla screamed "no stop ur killing him! u don't need another manslaughter charge!" but maynard wouldn't listen. he kept yelling about how "the little perv" wuz trying 2 go down on marla. marla kept yelling "maynard, he's just a child! he doesn't even know what cunnilingus is yet! for the love of god!"

  
while all this wuz going on, i guess vicki freaked an' tried 2 call 911. but howie had 2 stop her cuz if the cops come 2 his house while he's out on bail he's toast 4 sure. i guess he wuz a little 2 eager 2 stop her cuz when he dove 4 the phone he tripped an' fell an' they went down like dominos howie fell on vicki an' vicki fell on marla an' marla fell on maynard an' maynard dropped ger, then fell on him.   
  
it wuz a long time b4 we all were conscious again. jeremy apologized he sed he wuz just trying 2 play a joke. i have asked him 2 please not try 2 b funny nemore. at least not until our concussions heal.


	187. September 28,2005

OMG, I am so achy 2day fr. that truth-or-dare thing we all did last nite. I can't believe Jeremy Jones actually kissed me when Becky dared him 2! I was sure he'd rather switch 2 truth or get a penalty than do that. I wd say that Jeremy knows what he's doing when he kisses, but I won't cuz I don't want 2 get Gerald & Becky mad @ me.  
  
So, I'm having xtra strong coffee 2day w/sum Tylenol 4 gd measure when it's Mom time again. Dad actually kicked me under the table, which was bad cuz he kicked me in 1 of my sore spots, so I kinda half leapt out of my chair & had 2 pretend it was a big hiccup. Mom was 2 wrapped up in her storytelling 2 care that much. U shd have seen the smug look on her face when she started 2day's installment. This time, she wasn't ev. talking about Liz or the Mtigyaya ppl, but instead giving a little history lesson abt how the community's been there 4 as long as Ojibway-talking peeps remember, the sacred fire's alwayz been done in the same ol' stones, blah, blah, blah, "In every way, it is a place of worship." 4 sum reason there's supposed 2 B sum kinda funny contrast betw that statement & one of the wise natives up there saying "If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof", but I just don't C it, do U? NEway, all this history stuff I've already heard fr. Liz, & she told it way better than Ma just did. I don't know Y Ma wants 2 B the big "noble natives of the North" historian 2day, but I have a bad feeling she'll wanna continue @ least thru Saturday B4 she findz something else 2 talk abt.  
  
Dunc is xtra goo-goo eyed abt Kimmi this morning since she sed sum mushy stuff 2 him last nite in that truth or dare. @ least something gd came out of it!


	188. September 28,2005 - comments

Kimmi LaSalle wrote:

wow, i was so worried abt getting home w/out my 'rents noticing that i'd been w/dunc that i 4got all about checking this blog.  
  
yeh, so that party got crazy, but i don't care cuz i got 2 spend time w/my dunc the hunk. we even got 2 kiss a bit after all that was over. dunc & i hid in the bushes outside my house. he asked me abt the "private rainbow party" thing again & i sed i don't know when we can since the 'rents & principal r on 2 us, but i gave him a real quick scootch u-know-where as a little "promise" b4 i ran off.

Marla McGuire wrote:

Maynard's been in a pissy mood since I said that thing about Howard last night. We yelled at each other a lot last night, until Maynard kinda passed out from drinking too much. Again. But he left on time this morning, so that's a good thing.  
  
I don't know why Maynard's being so pissy. I mean, we promised each other to be truthful about this sex stuff, even when we're not playing truth or dare. And it's not like I had sex with Howard during my relationship with Maynard. B/c if I had, I would have told Nardo all about it, that's the basis of our open relationship. But this with Howard happened a long time ago. We met at a bar 1 nite, and be were both pretty toasted. I remember he'd been talking about how he'd broken up with a girl named Beatrice and was feeling pretty sad about the whole thing. He was questioning himself about a lot of things in his life and second-guessing everything. I'd just been dumped by a lying, cheating bastard, so I was feeling pretty bad about myself.  
  
Anyway, we ended up at my place that night. Howard was dressed pretty butch, but he had a feather boa. Something about that combo made me let my guard down. He said he could tell I was tense, & he did like 5 diff kinds of massage on me, ending with this tickly feather he had rolled up in his back pocket. Man, I have never, ever, been so relaxed, before or since.  
  
I sort of zoned out, but next thing I knew, we were in my bed. I was surprised because he'd said he was swearing off women for good. But once he started, neither of us wanted to stop until we had, you know, "arrived". I don't want to go into too much detail since Maynard reads here sometimes, but I'll just say Howard's got a great attention span.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I have been depressed most of the day. Ever since Becky introduced Marla to me weeks ago, I had been hoping that she didn’t remember me and the actual first time we met. When she told about our first meeting, it brought up a lot of old memories and feelings about Bea and me and when she broke up with me. I still don’t understand why she did it. All she told me was that I was good enough..but, not for her.  
  
I need to think about something else. It has taken me forever to clean the bugs out of the light fixtures in your grandpa Jim’s and Iris’ apartment. Iris wanted me to do that and clean the windows, but I have been emotionally preoccupied. Your story about your mother’s trip to Mtigwaki reminded me of when Gary and Vivian Crane were touring Kortney and me around the Mtigwaki powwow grounds. He said, “Some people believe Mtigwaki has been an established community for as long as the Ojibway people can remember. They are, of course, wrong. According to oral tradition the Ojibway were originally settled up and down the East Coast. People think the migration started around 900 AD and took about 500 years to complete.” Kortney said, “Fascinating. Why are those cumulous clouds so flat on the bottom?” Vivian said, “That is a gift from the Gitchie Manitou or Great Spirit, the trickster God of the Ojibway. He was renowned for his flat bottom.” I said, “What?” Gary said, “She’s just kidding. We don’t know why the clouds look like that.” Kortney said, “What is that eagle structure carved into that tree?” Gary said, “The bird of the skies, the eagle, is the prayer carrier of the Ojibway people. When the eagle soars to the sky, one knows he is carrying the prayers to the creator.” Vivian added, “You can also buy a copy at our gift shop.”  
  
Then Gary said, “The original structures are long gone, but the powwow grounds remain very much the same. The sacred fire is lit within the same stones placed there by the ancestors. Some people believe it is a circle. They are, of course, wrong. It is actually a 36 stone Medicine Wheel that is comprised of a central stone representing the Creator God. That stone is encircled by seven stones representing the Sun, World, Moon, and the four elements: Earth, Fire, Air, and Water. Twelve Stones going out from these in a cross pattern represent the Spirit Path. These stones connect to a large outer circle that is marked by four compass point stones: North, South, East, and West. And twelve stones representing the twelve cycles of the moon connect these four stones.” Vivian said to Gary, “Are you stoned telling them all that? What they really need to know is that in every way, it is a place of worship. If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof.” Then Gary and Vivian looked at Kortney and me expectantly with their hands out. Kortney said, “This is an open air structure. If it rains and it is windy, you are going to get wet, no matter if your roof is fixed. What you really need is walls.” I remember Gary and Vivian looked a little miffed, but then continued on the tour. It was good to think about Kortney again. I feel a little better. It's time to do some windows.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

look what happens when i 4get my cell in my locker! u guyz, cut it out. we should all just get along.  
  
ok i talked 2 my mom at lunch an' this is what she told me. she got howard 2 help her bring the stove over 2 the new bakery early this morning. she's all psyched abt the new bakery which makes me happy she hasn't been excited abt nething since dad left so i hope this will b good 4 her. neway, she gets the stove down there an' starts baking cookies she figures that will b a good start. well she baked frum like 5:30-8 am an' then went 2 open the doors 4 bizness an' guess what horrible thing she found on her doorstep? jelly fatterson wuz already standing there with her mouth an' tongue pressed on the glass an' there wuz drool running down the glass. like a whole river of it. mom opens up an' invites her in an' jelly wants 2 know what she baked 2day an' mom goes, "well all i have rite now is 8 dozen chocolate chocolate chip cookies" an' jelly goes "that's it?" like she's gonna die or something. well she bought all 8 dozen cookies an' as she's going out the door she asks mom when the next batch will b ready! after that, she came back every hour just 2 check an' c what all wuz freshly baked.  
  
well mom went straight over 2 the bank at lunch 2 get a small business loan an' the dude at the bank mr. vandellon goes "well u have terrible credit but ur idea is a goldmine! approved!" so mom went out this afternoon 2 buy all sorts of giant ovens an' pastry blenders an' crap. howie, she sez u can start working whenever u want at the bakery, but preferably 2nite cuz she needs help setting up. sorry abt the short notice. she just didn't realize how fast this would take off. u get 2 b assistant pastry chef.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Becky,  
  
Thank you bud, for setting me up with your mother's new business. You are so nice to me, I don't know how to thank you. I will definitely be there tonight. I gave my boss at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace 2 week’s notice. He was unhappy, but understood. He said he was glad I worked as long as I did. Most custodians there don’t last 2 weeks. Your mom said I can work evenings and do the overnight cooking for the next 2 weeks. April’s Grandpa Jim and Iris were less forgiving. They said, “Just because you aren’t working here after 2 weeks, doesn’t mean that we are not your surety. If you want to stay out of jail, Coward, you have stuff to do here too.” So, it looks like I am going to be working 3 jobs for the next 2 weeks. It doesn’t matter. Cooking isn’t singing, but it is still an art form.

Becky McGuire wrote:

well here's the thing howie while u were baking jelly started telling apes that she had a whole long list of chores 4 her 2 do this weekend. an' apes did something really dumb she told jelly "i can't cuz we're playing a gig at robert freeman's house." well jelly went nuts. i guess robert freeman is always trying 2 get discounts when he brings his grandsons in 2 liliputs an' they don't get along 2 good ever since mr freeman told jelly she reminded him of a manatee he saw 1ce at sea world. also, jelly hates my guts. so we had 2 listen 2 her go on an' on abt how hanging out with robert freeman an' a spoiled little slut like becky mcguire wuz gonna turn apes in2 some kind of sick perverted spinster "just like ur sister elizabeth!" an' then where would she get more grandbabies from? apes suggested mike an' jelly went off abt how dee an' mike r 2 selfish all they think abt r their careers an' they prolly won't have nemore kids which frankly i think is a blessing since they don't even really want the 2 they already have.  
  
so jelly started making ultimatums she went "it's me or those 2 april, u make ur decision!" an' apes goes, "well duh mom, if u put it that way, the answer is obvious" an' jelly just assumed she meant that apes wuz picking her even when she totally wuzn't.  
  
so apes u need 2 let me know if ur gonna do this gig this weekend or not.  
  


ps. dang well howie an' i r still awake. mom hasn't come home yet which i m used 2 but howie is all freaked. i keep trying 2 tell him that mom prolly just has 2 screw this guy xxxtra good 2 get her permit but then howie sez i shouldn't talk like that an' mayb this permit guy is a psycho an' if she gets raped an' robbed an' killed it's all his fault cuz he should never of let her go in the 1st place. then he sat down in the corner in my bedroom an' pulled his knees up 2 his chest an' wrapped his arms around them an' started rocking an' humming. its creepy. sorry howie but it's true.


	189. September 29,2005

OMG, 4 sum reason Mom was snoring xtra loud last nite. Her snores practically shook the whole house & U cd hear them in every room. So I didn't get NE sleep & of course neither did Dad (who was rite next 2 that buzzsaw noise all nite). So after that, I _really_ wasn't in the mood 2 hear Mom's next installment of "Mtiggy history & culture". I cd tell Dad totally wanted 2 do the "fake eyelid" trick fr. the other day, but Mom's on2 us & she actually inspects our eyelids now B4 she starts talking.   
  
So NEway, Mom told us abt a powwow & emphasised that they had a BIG FEAST! Liz told me that Mom tried 2 eat everything that wasn't nailed down @ that feast & the noble natives were so, so sorry she'd been invited. Liz had pointed out 2 Mom that these gatherings alwayz include a "traditional giving of gifts", & Mom practically bust a gut when she overheard that 1 of the Mtiggies had given another 1 an iPod as his "traditional gifts". Cuz, U know, modern tech meets traditional giftgiving. & I'm gonna go catch the WHATEVER train now, Ma.  
  
So big, big thanks go out 2 Liz 4 whatever it was she sed 2 Ma 2 keep her from 4bidding me 2 play the Freeman gig this weekend. Liz totally has something on her, but she doesn't know how much play she'll B able 2 get from it. But NEway, Liz, U rock!


	190. September 29,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I finally got to work at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace after a harrowing night and even worse morning. Karen never came home last night and it took forever to get Becky to sleep. She posted about that rocking thing I do to calm down. Thanks Becky. So this morning after my getting no sleep, I found that Karen did not have any food in the house. So I took Becky to the Kakes and Pies shop and made her breakfast there and then took her to school. Becky called her mother’s cell phone several times and got no reply.  
  
So I go back to Karen’s Kakes and Pies, thinking she might show up there for her business. I am not there for more than a few minutes when that guy she was with last night from the Milborough Board of Health comes with a couple of health inspectors. He is really mad about something and says that because of something Karen did to him last night, he was going to make her store his personal project. I was really glad that Becky and I had put in the new stuff we bought last night and given the place a thorough cleaning. The inspectors started to say they were going to confiscate the food, when there was this horrible shriek from the door. It was your mother. She said, “You can’t confiscate the food! I need that to survive!” Then in short order she purchased every single item that I had made the previous night and said to me, “I am so glad you finally stocked the store properly, Becky's nice music teacher.” Well the health inspectors were in such a state of shock from your mother’s rate of consumption that they stopped inspecting. Anyway, Karen has a couple of electrical wiring concerns to deal with, that I will probably look at fixing tonight.  
  
After all the inspectors left, then in strolls Karen and says, “Are they all gone?” I said that they were. She said, “Well. I had a hell of a night, but you better get off to work Howard.” So I left and asked her to contact Becky to let her know she was all right. I am really tired now. I had to clean some prune Danishes out of the air filtration system. I don’t know how those seniors got them up there.

PS. April,  
  
Your description of your mother eating at the Mtigwaki pow-wow reminded me of when Kortney and I ate at the diner there called the Moose Caboose. I went in expecting to see a menu with moose or deer meat or fish, or my personal favorite, fry bread. Instead the menu said:  
  
Corn soup & scone - $4  
Buffalo Burger - $5  
Indian Taco - $6  
Baloney & Bannock $4  
  
I asked the waitress about the items on the menu and she said that all the items were imported from the outside except for the Baloney and Bannock. So I ordered that and 2 guys came out with a portable stove, one with stringy long hair and a grungy old cap and the other with braids and a "Billy Jack" hat. The stringy haired guy started making the baloney. The braided guy started making the bannock. They were bantering back and forth the whole time saying things like, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 5 days…I didn’t want to interrupt her while she was talking!!!” and stuff like that. It was kind of funny in an odd way. After they were done cooking, Kortney said to them, “I noticed you guys have traditional native haircuts. Why do all the other men around here have their hair cut so short?” They said, “Natives and white people have many things in common, like iPods, needing to pay for roof repairs, and bad haircuts. We are just like you in every way, except we are nobler.”  
  
It was an interesting dining experience.

April Patterson wrote:

sorry i haven't been posting comments 2day, peeps. i have just been feeling so yucky 2day w/my no-sleep nite.  
  
i escorted gerald fr. our last class 2 the bus, & when i asked him whether he wanted 2 go home or come w/me 2 the store, he chose the store. ger's so not-himself that my mom didn't ev. realise it was him @ 1st & she praised me 4 making another "special-needs friend". i was gonna correct her, but i decided against it cuz i can use any "goodie" points w/her i can get.  
  
after i helped beatrice w/the inventory & dusted the shelves, mom sed i cd go, so ger & i went 2 krystle's kakes 2 help becks. she sed the whole thing w/that health guy was some kinda misunderstanding, but i was sorta complicated, so i will let her xplain it herself. neway, when we saw my mom abt 2 come thru the door, i ducked behind the counter & pulled ger down w/me. i tried 2 get him 2 b quiet, but he started 2 recite a buncha stuff abt the punic wars.  
  
mom was like, "i'll have 2 dozen bear claws, a tray of baklava, and. . . ."  
  
gerald (behind the counter): "the greatest naval power of the mediterranean in the 3rd century b.c.e. was the north african city of carthage near modern day tunis. the carthaginians were originally phoenicians and carthage was a colony founded by the phoenician capital city of tyre in the ninth century b.c.e.; the word 'carthage' means, in phoenician, 'the new city'. the phoenicians, however. . . ."  
  
mom's all,"what does this have 2 do w/pastries?" then ger stands up & mom's like, "oh, u r that 'special' boy i just met @ the store. it's so wonderful that krystle mcguire, my new best bud, gave a job 2 a nice special-needs boy". becky started 2 correct her abt gerald's specialness, but i looked up & shook my head so she stopped. after my mom left, we were totally lol.


	191. September 30,2005

Okay, so it's that time again. October letters from my fam are up again, & again my mom's done some editing. Not 2 bad this time, but still.

My letter: "What grows around comes around!" I sooooo did not write that. Thanx 4 throwing in that lame & senseless line, Ma. Oh, & U know Y our computer has a virus? Cuz my stoopid 'rents open every friggin' attachment they get in e-mail. Duh. And also, the original version of my "Jeremy Jones" paragraph went like this:  
A couple of days ago, when I was walking home from the store, I ran into Jeremy Jones holding hands with Becky. They looked soooooooo cute! We talked about our gig @ the Freemans coming up this weekend & Jeremy mentioned Becky's demo tape. She was kinda shy about it.  
I don't know Y Mom thought she had 2 go & change that, but it totally soundz like Jeremy was w/a girl other than Becks, so I wanted 2 clear that up.

Liz: I will let Liz write in about her letter, cuz she told me she wants 2 B the one 2 xplain it & let us know which parts Mom changed, etc.

Mom: So I'm more "headstrong" than Mike or Liz? Is that code meaning that I have a spine? Oh, & Mom? Your "but I most of them had turned" makes no sense. MayB U shd spend less energy "editing" my letter & work on yr own a bit harder. & so Mom's l8est fiction about me & Becky is that now we R only on "casual speaking terms". Whatevs, mom. & how lame is her theory abt team sports. BTW, I'll bet U won't B surprised 2 hear that Mom's big "author" breakfast was just an xcuse 4 Jelly Fatterson 2 gorge on more baked goods. She actually wrestled a danish out of Margaret Atwood's hands!

Dad: Oooh, I m soooooooooooooo rebellious! Please, as teens go, I'm pretty mild, doncha think? & Dad? Y oh Y do U keep going on & on abt this Ted guy that U barely know? Is this part of yr campaign 2 seem like U have interests other than trains? I swear that's the only reason he took up jogging, so he'd have something other than trains 2 write abt in the montlies.

Mike: Y on earth do U & Dee celebrate yr fakey-wedding anniversary insteada yr real 1? Bizarro. Oh, & yeah, we get it, U R like the best writer evah. Except in yr letters U don't seem like U can write v. well.

Dee: Oh, rite, poor, overworked Mike. Save yr energy 4 filling those scrips accurately, insteada making my bf OD on Prozac. Mike deserves about zero sympathy, if U ask me (& I know U totally did!).

Gramps/Iris: Iris bought a new dress! Zzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, & I tried that recipe of hers, but then Mom gobbled it up B4 I even had a chance to taste.

Pets: Hey, U know I had a long passage in their about Dixie & her havarti-cheese shits, but Mom cut that part out. She said the doody jokes R, like, her domain. So, boring pet letter again. I don't blame U if U wanna just skip over them.


	192. September 30,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
Well my mom and dad are now also my surety. They have some strange ideas about me, but it is so much better to be talking than not talking. Anyway, this is what happened.  
  
I met my lawyer and my parents at the courtroom. My lawyer had already arranged a court time to change sureties and the whole thing was done rather quickly. I think the judge wanted to go home for supper or something. Then we went back to my lawyer’s office to work out the details of their surety responsibilities. When we got there my mother was saying, “Oh Howard. When your father and I found out that you were arrested for sexually assaulting 3 different women, we had to be there for you.”   
My father said, “Hrmph.”   
My mom said, “I told your father that this is a sign that you have finally realized you were meant to be straight. 3 women sexually assaulted. Your father and I are so proud.”   
My father said, “Hrmph.”  
My mom said, “I just knew sending you to school in Milborough was the right thing to do. My sainted mother (May she rest in peace) told me that if you want to convert a gay, Milborough is the place to go and she was obviously right.”  
My father said, “Hrmph.”  
My mom said, “And your lawyer tells us you almost got married to a girl in Las Vegas. Your father and I are so glad you waited. We would have been so upset not to be there for your big day.”  
My father said, “Hrmph.”  
My mom said, “And your lawyer tells us that you had an affair with one of your sureties – a nice, single girl from a well-to-do family. Your father and I know that since you turned straight you must have more women than you can handle.”  
My father said, “Hrmph.”  
My mom said, “And your lawyer tells us that you have given up performing opera. You are so talented with the music. I am sure that you will be learning Bobby Curtola songs in no time at all.”  
I said, “No. No. No. I HAVE AND WILL ALWAYS HATE BOBBY CURTOLA!!!”  
My father said, “Your lawyer tells us that you have some sort of cockamamie defence about being hired by your gay former employers to assault this Elizabeth Patterson, who filed the original charges. Is that true?”  
I said it was.  
My father said, “Do you still wear dresses?”  
I said I did.  
My father said, “Do you still prefer men to women?”  
I said I did.  
My father said, “How many men have you been with in the last month?”  
I said, “Counting men I met in jail?”  
My father said, “Not counting jail time. Everybody gets it in jail.”  
I said, “OK. Not counting jail time, none.”  
My mother gave a little cheer. Then my father said, “And how many women have you been with in the last month, NOT counting jail time?”  
I said, “Conscious or unconscious?”  
My father said, “Either one. Lord knows I have slept through sex with your mother often enough.” My mother made a nervous giggling noise.  
I said, “At least 2, and possibly 3.”  
My mother gave another little cheer. My dad gave me a big hug and said, “Son, welcome back to the family.”

PS -

Becky,  
  
I hope the rehearsal is going well. I wish I could be there to hear you, but it is probably better that I am not, since you guys will be on your own tomorrow at the Robert Freeman party.   
  
Soon after I got here, I could tell that a change had come over your mother. She didn’t greet with as long an open mouth kiss as she usually does and she was making a Victoria sponge cake and singing to herself the Health Song.  
  
Health Song   
(Sung to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat")  
  
Milk, Meat, Bread and Fruit  
These will help me grow.  
To be strong, tall, and well.  
Health from head to toe.  
  
The guy from the Milborough Board of Health came in and she gave him the Victoria sponge cake and she said, “I made this for you, my honey bunch of oats. Your favorite, Victoria sponge cake.” Then he said, “Oh that’s so sweet of you, my little sugar cake dumpling.” I said to Krystle, “Do you need me to stay overnight with Becky again?” She said, “That’s so nice of you to ask Howard, but Becky is having friends over tonight for a band practice, so you won’t need to. They’ll be perfectly fine. See you tomorrow.” Then she left with the Milborough Board of Health guy.  
  
Anyway, I was planning to spend some time with my folks after my shift here. If your mother isn’t home after you guys finish practising, let me know and I’ll come over.


	193. October 1,2005

So, as promised, I got back brite & early from sleeping ov. @ Becky's house last nite, cuz Mom didn't want me 2 miss a second of her story. When I got in, Dad was sitting @ the kitchen table rubbing his eyes & he sed, "April, MayB we can make a run 4 it! How does breakfast @ Tim Horton's sound?" "Great, but I don't wanna get in trouble." "Don't worry, I'll leave yr mom a note. She'll have 2 know it was my idea." So Dad wrote a note as fast as he cd & we were outta there, in the Bushwacker. (BTW, that whole part of his October letter where he goez on & on abt how rite Mom was abt the CrevASSe & how it's comfy, practical, blahblahblah? Dad sez Mom totally wrote that in herself. Cuz, y'know, she needs 2 show the world how right she is abt everything.) Well, just as soon as had we sat our butts down @ Horny Tim's, Mom was there. She's all, "Oh, good, I'm just in time, U w8 here while I get some brekky." So that of course meanz she shows up with a plate piled high & deep w/donuts. And skim milk in her coffee, natch. Then she sits, inhalez her first five donuts, gets the smug look going on that face of hers, and resumes her story abt the longest pow wow evah. This time about the hoop dancers and the fancy dancers. Jingle dresses. Hand-made moccasins. An eagle feather dropped stops the dancin' cuz it honours a dead elder or veteran. Hey, Liz, during this pow wow thingger, did Mom sit there takin' notes? WTF?

So, if U read Liz's comment that she left last nite, on my post about the October letters, U know that Mom wrote abt 90% of Lizzie's letter (the Shiimsa bit @ the end is the real deal). @ this rate, I don't know Y my mom even bothers pretending the letters R "from" us @ all. But notice how she luvs 2 slip in the Elly praise, like that bit abt the CrevASSe I mentioned alreadE. She totally wants 2 control the impression U all have abt our fam & abt how we must, like, totally worship my saintly mom. But NEway, Liz, abt Mom's going around referring 2 U as her "real daughter", I barely notice NEmore. It's like part of the background noize. Tho I wish Ger's dad wd stop thinking I'm Gerald's "auxiliary gf". That bugz me more than NEthing Mom sez or does.


	194. October 1,2005 - comments

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I won’t be able to join you and Becky for your rehearsal. Becky’s mothercalled me this morning from a phone number I did not recognize, but I presume is her new boyfriend’s from the Milborough Board of Health. She asked me to take the morning shift at Karen’s Kakes and Pies. I am there now, if you need me. I am guessing Karen never made it home last night. Becky was supposed to call me if that happened, but I guess her brain is too occupied with you guys’ television debut at the Robert Freeman party. Anyway, I am glad you were able to stay overnight with her. I had a good visit with my parents last night, catching up on all the family gossip I missed over the years. Of course, I didn’t actually miss it, since my uncle Melville and aunt Winnie have kept me up-to-date, but it was interesting to hear my parents’ perspective.   
  
The story your mother was telling you at Tim Hortons reminds me of when Gary and Vivian Crane were touring Kortney and me through the Mtigwakian pow-wow grounds and describing the types of dances that went on there. Gary was saying, “The dancing goes on for hours, clockwise around the central arbor.” Vivian corrected, “You mean arbour.” Gary said, “That’s what I said.” Then he continued, “It begins with the grass dancers. These young people wear outfits made of rich colored fabrics and long flowing yarn.” Vivian corrected, “You mean coloured fabrics.” Gary said, “That’s what I said.” Then he continued, “Their job is to press down the grass to make way for the other dancers.”   
  
Then an old man came up behind us and said, “Heh…and they think crop circles are made by aliens!” I said, “I remember a crop circle was discovered in Waterloo, Ontario last October. Are you saying that it was made by grass dancers?” Gary said to me, “Ignore him. He is a Mtigwakian elder and a total foob.” The old man said, “Well that’s a fine Boozhoo. I may be a foob, but at least I can explain about grass dancers better than you. These young people are going to think that grass dancers are called grass dancers because they stomp on the grass. The next thing you know, you will be telling them the job of the hoop dancers is to ready the basketball courts, or the job of women’s jingle dancers is to prepare the tribe for singing ‘Jingle Bells.’” Then the old man addressed us and said, “The name ‘grass’ does not come from the stomping of grass, but it comes from the old habit of tying braids of sweet grass to the dancer’s belts, producing a swaying effect. Grass dancers’ movements are supposed to resemble grass that is blowing in the wind.”   
  
Gary said, “Quiet, old man. I have more to say.” Then he said, “There were hoop dancers and fancy dancers, and women in jingle dresses wearing hand-made moccasins. The men jumped and whirled…and, whenever an eagle feather fell, the dancing stopped. This meant that somewhere an elder or a veteran had died…their spirit was acknowledged and honored.” Vivian said, “You mean honoured.” Gary said, “That’s what I said.” The old man said, “Oh yes, Gary. That’s a good story. And the time when you dropped your whole eagle feather headdress to the ground last year, all the elders and veterans in Mtigwaki just keeled over and died.” Then he addressed us, “When an eagle feather falls to the ground, it ‘symbolizes’ a fallen warrior. So they are only picked up by the elders and the vets, who are going to ‘symbolically’ retrieve their fallen warrior, which is ‘symbolized’ by the eagle feather on the ground. The only part you got right Gary was that the dancing stops.” Vivian said, “It doesn’t count for imitation feathers, just real eagle feathers.” Gary said, “No, it’s for any kind of eagle feather.”   
  
While they were arguing, the old man took Kortney and me aside. He lifted up his shawl to reveal a variety of electronic devices and said, “Do you want to buy an iPod? They’re so cheap; I’m practically giving them away as gifts.” Kortney bought one, but I politely declined. Anyway, that's what your mom's story reminded me of.

Marla McGuire wrote:

I just got back from stopping by Becky's garage. I brought the kids some lunch because I know when Becky gets really intense about rehearsing she neglects her health. Anyway, they sound amazing! This party is gonna be so cool! Maynard & I are going to bring Vicki with us. Vicki's here at the salon with me now, and she just can't stop talking about this party tonight.  
  
By the way, Becky said, "Oh my God, Marjee! I'm so freaked out about rehearsing that I don't even know if Howard is going! I really want him to be there." So, Howard, if you have a chance to check in, let us know if you're going. If I don't hear from you soon, I'll stop by the bakery on my next break.

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

Elizabeth,  
  
I just thought I would send this post to you about Becky, April, Duncan and Gerald at the Robert Freeman party. The story was that Robert was throwing this party as a benefit for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. So he was at the front door taking money into a box. It became pretty evident from some of his comments though, that the party is really to pay for his bills in putting up his cousins from New Orleans. As people would give him money, he would say, “Now that’s enough for the gas bill. And that’s enough for the cable TV bill.” Becky was a little angry when she found out and she told him, “We are doing this party for free to benefit Hurricane Katrina victims, not to fill up your wallet.” Well, Robert’s grandson Huey heard this and was all over him at this point saying, “You’re just like Bush, taking money from the Hurricane relief to pay off your rich white friends.” And Robert is like, “I’m just trying to pay the bills from these freeloaders. The Hurricane relief checks are not enough money to even pay for HBO.” Anyway, they kind of got into it. Becky was closer to the argument, so she may remember more details.  
  
The reality TV people were interesting. They kept on taking people aside for personal interviews about things that happened. After Robert and Huey and Becky stopped fighting, they all had to talk about it. It took a really long time for that stuff.  
  
It’s pretty late now, and Becky, April, Gerald and Duncan have just got started. They had to stop several times for fights that occurred and then for the reality TV people to do the personal interviews about the fights.   
  
The first fight that happened was when Huey Freeman and his best friend Caesar got into it about why a white girl was hired to do their party instead of him. Huey said he was a real fan of MCDunC, and Caesar was saying, “He’s not even black. Listen to that accent. He’s from Barbados. You can’t rap about the oppression of the black people, if you are from Barbados.”   
  
The second fight was between Kimmi LaSalle and one of Robert Freeman’s neighbours, a girl named Jazmine DuBois. When Jazmine heard that Duncan was from Barbados she was all over him saying, “I know what it is like to struggle to find your identity. My mother is one-quarter Irish, one-quarter Swedish and one-half German, and my grandmother on my father’s side is part Cherokee and my grandfather is mostly French, I think. Because he’s originally from Louisiana and his father was from Haiti. And Haiti is close to Barbados. So I feel your pain.” Kimmi did not take Jazmine’s attention to Duncan very well and there was another argument. Duncan or Kimmi will probably remember more details about these arguments.  
  
Becky got tired of all this controversy over Duncan and launched into her Billie Holiday set. Then Riley Freeman jumped on the mike beside her and said, “We don’t want any white music at this party. We need some 50 Cent or Public Enemy. We have to be keepin’ it real.” Well, Riley’s grandfather Robert jumped all over him and said, “White music! White music! Billie Holiday is not white music! Now tell me who Billie Holiday is?” So Riley said, “She was this woman who sang songs back in the day. She was responsible for writing that old school black holiday music for Kwanzaa.” Robert Freeman was livid and started yelling at Riley, which ended up in a long lecture and then more reality TV interviews.  
  


Becky McGuire wrote:

oh man i don't have 2 long 2 post. i just finished my set an' we're taking 10 b4 dunc goes on again.   
  
well 1st thing i have 2 say is i'm never watching another reality tv show again (except mayb this 1 when it goes on the air cuz i want 2 c myself singing). this stuff is all totally rigged. ok the director guy keeps following us around with a camera trying 2 catch every1 fighting an' then when they do they make u go off 2 the side alone 2 talk abt the fight. well the 1st time they did it it wuz over the fight i had w/ mr. freeman over him selling tickets 2 pay the cable bill. after we got done fighting the director called me over an' sat me down an' started asking me questions.  
  
**D**: so, wow, mr. freeman is really an asshole, huh?  
**B**: i don't think i'd use that word on tv 2 describe a guy who hired me 4 a gig. that is way unprofessional.  
**D**: ok, so what swear word would u use 2 describe mr. freeman?  
**B**: i wouldn't. i prefer 2 settle my contractual disputes in private. jeremy gave me a book on business ethics an' it has a lot of really good advice in there for...  
**D**: yeah yeah, but we want 2 hear about the fight.  
**B**: well, i don't really think it's ne of ur business.  
**D**: but it is! the freemans signed a waiver! we can put their personal life on tape! it's ok! just relax and let your anger flow!  
**B**: i'm not really that mad. this party is going really well. i m singing better than i thought, an' u guyz r gonna put me on tv, an...  
**D**: we hear u an' ur co-star, MCDunC, have an abusive history together.  
**B**: huh?  
**D**: our sources have obtained confidential copies of police reports that state MCDunC, aka duncan anderson, spent most of the summer stalking you.  
**B**: well yeah but we cleared that all up.  
**D**: the reports say he put a video camera in your bathroom.  
**B**: hey u know dunc had a little crush on me, an' he went 2 far, but we get along just fine now. he learned his lesson.  
**D**: do you feel a dangerous criminal like MCDunC should b loose on the streets?  
**B**: r u nuts? dunc isn't dangerous. he's just young an' misguided. bsides, they expunged his record.  
**D**: i understand that there is quite a lot of bitterness btween u an' MCDunC's new girlfriend, kimmi lasalle. tell me about that. do you hate her for stealing ur man?  
**B**: ur krazee. dunc wuz never my man.  
**D**: so ur saying that it was unrequited love that sent MCDunC over the edge?  
**B**: ur twisting my words. we were never in love.  
**D**: what do u say 2 reports that MCDunC is packing heat 2nite?  
**B**: huh?  
**D**: several guests say they saw what looked like the butt of a gun sticking out the waistband of MCDunC's pants.  
**B**: that's krazee. the only gun dunc has is a super squirter.  
**D**: but with his bad-boy image, who knows, right?  
**B**: god what is ur problem?  
**D**: (annoyed) we need controversy! we need conflict!  
**B**: well, i need 2 get my butt back onstage, it's almost time 4 my next set.


	195. October 2,2005

Wow, peeps, I know I'm l8 posting this. Sorry abt that. I don't even know what time it was when I finally got home after the Freeman party & our stop @ Horny Tim's afterwards. I am sooooo wiped. & so glad that Mom's taking a break from being our own Wikipedia abt the wise & noble natives. Well, Liz called this morning 2 make sure I'm OK, & she did share a story of her own. But @ least it was just a little thing that happened in her classroom steada being a National Geog special. So Liz showed her class how 2 use Dad's leaf press. & during lunch, that Jesse kid used it to squoosh his cheese sandwich.

Then Liz sed, "Now that we've gotten my obligatory slice-o'-native-life bit outta the way, tell me everything that happened last nite! & don't leave NEthing out!" Well, I tried, but I was way tired. The comments 2 my last post already do a gd job describing the party, so I'll just add a coupla things. Becks is totally rite abt those reality-TV producers trying 2 get us 2 create conflict in their interviews. They totally try 2 stir the shizzit, peeps! This guy who interviewed me knew all abt how Jeremy tried to run me over w/his bike & got hit by that car, like a million yrs ago. I'm like, "Dude, that is so ancient history. Jeremy & I mostly leave ea other alone. He's totally nice 2 my bud Becks, so it's all gd, U know?" & this guy was all pissed @ me. He even dredged out sum old letter of "mine" from when I was 9 (yeh, of course Mom totally wrote it) that sez "There's something dark inside him and until he stops being mean, I don't think he will have any real friends at all." What 9-yr-old wd say "there's something dark inside him"? So I had to xplain abt how we all write those monthly letters & my mom "edits" them.

NEway, I don't think the producer guy was NE happier w/me than he was w/Becky, cuz I didn't bring the drama. But U know, now that Gerald has readjusted his Prozac dosage, he's interested in the makin' out again. But without constantly trying 2 go thru the rest of the bases. So we got sum smooching in B4 we realized the cams were watchin' us.


	196. October 2,2005 - comments

Marla McGuire wrote:

Wow, you all are not kidding about those producers for the reality show! One of them sat me down and it went like this:  
  
**Producer**: So is it true that your parents are Thorvald McGuire and Echo Simone?  
  
**Me**: My birth parents, yes.  
  
**P**: So are you angry at Thorvald and Echo for giving you up?  
  
**Me**: No, they were very young, and my adoptive parents are great.  
  
**P**: So why, then, did you pursue your birth parents?  
  
**Me**: It's all part of knowing myself and connecting with family. I got two great sisters out of my quest, Becky and Vicki.  
  
**P**: Half sisters.  
  
**Me**: Technically, yeah, but I just think of them as my sisters.  
  
This producer guy was obviously getting bored with me, so he tried a different approach.  
  
**P**: So, I hear you're a swinger!  
  
**Me**: I wouldn't say that. I have an open relationship with my boyfriend, which means that we can choose to be with someone else as long as we are open and honest. And no emotional connections allowed with outsiders.  
  
**P**: (whispering) So maybe you and me, afterwards, in the van?  
  
**Me**: Forget it! Hey, Becky's about to sing "Good Morning, Heartache," so can we wrap this up?  
  
**P**: (Sulking) Okay.

Becky McGuire wrote:

wow i wuz super-tired after last nite. sorry i didn't post til now.   
  
ok well after the party i went 2 talk 2 the main producer guy about how much time they would devote 2 our performances at the party. i know the rest of u guyz r in the band 4 fun only, as is "proper" so u don't end up "old an' lonely," but i intend 2 make a career out of music so getting lots of exposure = good. well u know i wuz wearing that low-cut, backless black dress. so i walked over 2 the producer guy an' flirted w/ him a little (never hurts) an' asked him how much he thought we would b on screen. he sed maybe a minute! i wuz so pissed but i didn't show it. i just tried 2 convince him that our performance would really appeal 2 all demographics an' all that boring crap frum those books jer gave me. it didn't seem 2 b working. so i started 2 talk 2 him abt what it takes 2 get a reality show. i figure that nobody brings the drama like krystle an' thorvald! but the producer wuzn't interested. in fact he wuzn't interested in nething that didn't involve taking my panties off. man that guy is a perv.  
  
ok so i quit talking 2 pervo an' jeremy came up 2 me an' wuz real angry-like. he saw me flirting w/ the producer guy which is actually something i read in 1 of the books he gave me that a little sex appeal = good business so long as u don't go over the line an' look desperate or like u r prostituting urself. but jer wuzn't happy that i used his books. he wuz all like, "i thought i wuz ur only guy!" an' i go "well i know i'm not ur only girl!" an' he goes, "that's different" an' i'm like "how?" an' he's all like "i'm a guy, we're supposed 2 b hounddogs" an' i got all mad an' sed, "well i'm a liberated woman" which is something great aunt jackie likes 2 say. so jer wuz super angry w/ me. i don't know if i like him so much now.   
  
i just wanted 2 say how great i thought dunc wuz last nite. i m not really in2 rap but he wuz amazing an' he really got the crowd going. sorry abt that whole MCDunC has a gun thing. i know u don't want 2 get in2 nemore trouble with the law. good thing marla was there!

April Patterson wrote:

dunc & i just got back fr horny tim's. we totally wanted 2 stay away fr. our dads. & of course my mom. i mean, wdn't u?  
  
so @ horny tim's we were havin' tim balls & a lotta coffee. a lotta-lotta coffee. then who walks in but keesha grant. she does this little swaying walk over 2 dunc & sez she heard all about how cube he was @ the party last nite. & abt that fite betw. kimmi & jazmine. then she gave him this little stare like she wanted 2 eat him up & sed "they'll have 2 get thru me, badboy!" & she winked @ him. then she whispered 2 me "thank yr mom 4 tipping me off that dunc is meant 4 me!" then she got some coffee 2 go & was outta there.


	197. October 3,2005

Oh. My. God. So Mom lks slike she's settling in 4 _another week_ of her snoozeworthy story. Y, God? Y? I know I can B a drama queen & all, but really I'm not _that bad_, am I? It's not like I club baby seals or trip ol' ladiez who R trying 2 cross the street, y'know?  
  
So Dad was quizzing me on my vocab flashcards when Mom settled in 4 her next boring installment. Dad tried. He did. He sed, "Elly, April has an important vocab quiz 2day. I think we'd better focus on that instead of the next minute that happened on powwow day." Mom kinda rolled her eyes @ him & sed she was _educating _us. Tho this next bit was abt how there were booths selling stuff & how Mom got this "intense & passionate feeling" about B-ing able 2 _shop_. She obvs expected sum big reaction fr. us, but we just looked @ each other for 30 seconds w/out saying NEthing, shrugged, & went back 2 the vocab. Mom huffed & sed she was going 2 stop @ the bake shop on the way 2 the store. Yeah, like way 2 make 2day diff, eh, Mom?  
  
Becks txted me this morning, cuz she wants an emergency quiz session B4 we have our English class. She's stressed cuz her mom used up so much of her time that she woulda been using 2 study. & the embarrassment abt that "tennis game" w/her mom's new bf fr. the health dept doesn't help. So I'm gonna C if I can find her now.


	198. October 3,2005 - comments

Marla McGuire wrote:

Dude! April, your mom was in the salon this morning. We're having a special--free cut and style if you get highlights. So when your mom came in, I asked her if she was interested in that. She acted like that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. "No, no, of course not. It's my bun, nicenativgirl. I just can't get it tight enough. I want it nice and tight and proper, like the way Becky's nice music teacher wears it." I had to step on one toe w/my other foot to stop from laughing and I went ahead and made her bun tight, tight, tight. She kept saying "tighter" till it was so tight she could barely blink. Then she was happy. Next stop was gonna be Becky's mom's bake shop.  
  


Kimmi LaSalle wrote:

that keesha grant girl was totally making i's @ my dunky-wunky in french class! back off, u skank!

Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
This morning I made Becky some eggs benedict for breakfast and she ate it while I was quizzing her on vocabulary. Then I took her to school. I went by the shop, figuring she was there to open the shop and to give her a piece of my mind. Well she wasn’t there, so I called her at home and no one answered. So I called her cell phone number and she picked it up. I said, “Where are you? The shop wasn’t opened.” And she said, “I’m over at my boyfriend’s house. We’re playing a little game of Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi at the U.S. Open. I left Becky at the bakery for you to take to school. Did you do that?” I said yes, but protested that I still had one week left at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace and I was supposed to work for her during the evening, not the morning. She said, “Well Howard, you’re already there at the bakery. Just stay there until I get there.” Well, of course she is still not here and I am beginning to regret my decision to work here.  
  
Anyway, your mom came in a few minutes ago, and she had her hair bun pulled so tight on her, her nose was sticking straight up in the air. It’s not very pretty seeing the inside of those nostrils believe me. She said, “I am so happy that I finally got my bun as tight as yours, Becky’s nice music teacher. I went to the nice native girl who does hair and she worked her medicine man magic on it. Do you like the way it looks?” I lied and said it was very attractive. I asked her if she was going to have bannock again today and she said yes and asked me if I had any dried meats to go with the bannock. I said no, but I could put some of the meat we use for our breakfast croissants into the bannock. Then she started relating a story of how the sight of bannock and dried meat awoke in her, an intense and passionate feeling. The next thing I know your mom has shoved me against the wall and was kissing me and in between kisses was taking in mouthfuls of bannock and bacon. She was saying, “No one cooks for me like you do. Not April and certainly not John. My feelings have been lying dormant all these years waiting for someone who could satisfy me with pastries, passion and a really tight bun.” While she was assaulting me, her bun fell loose and her nose went from its high-pointed position to its usual floppy-down position and clocked me right across the face knocking me hard to the ground. She shrieked, “The noble natives have failed me. My bun! My bun!” Then she left the bakery, but not before grabbing a sack full of bannock. I think your mom is cracking up.

Becky McGuire wrote:

i totally bombed that vocab quiz. i couldn't get the hideous image of mom an' rick playing andre an' steffi at the us open (gah!) out of my mind. yeah open like open legs. oh my god i think my mind is permanently warped.  
  
howie i'm sorry u r stuck working 4 my mom an' getting assaulted by jelly fatterson but pleeze don't quit! i would miss u 2 much.  
  


p.s.--ger seems 2 b having some issues. i reminded him that he hasn't posted in a couple of days in bio class an' he just started going off on something like "gaul is divided in2 3 parts" an' a bunch of other mumbo jumbo.  
  


Michael Patterson wrote:

Dear friend Becky,  
  
The Gallic Wars were campaigns in Gaul led by Julius Caesar in his two terms as proconsul of Cisalpine Gaul, Transalpine Gaul, and Illyricum (58 BC-51 BC). Caesar's first campaign was to prevent the Helvetii (who lived N of the Lake of Geneva) from crossing the Roman territory Provincia (Provence) on their way to a new home in SW Gaul. Inspired by Orgetorix, they had started from the Alps northwestward with Caesar in pursuit, but he split their forces as they crossed the Saône, and pursued them to Bibracte, where he defeated them.   
  
In the same year the Aedui asked Caesar's help against the German Ariovistus, whom Caesar routed. In 57 BC, Caesar pacified Belgica (roughly Belgium). In the winter of the same year an anti-Roman confederacy was formed, and in 56 BC Caesar attacked its leaders, the Veneti, who maintained a fleet in what is now the Gulf of Morbihan, Brittany. He defeated them after building ships of his own.   
  
In 55 BC, Caesar went to the Low Countries to repel a group of invading Germans and, as a punitive measure, in turn invaded German territory, crossing the Rhine on a bridge he built near Cologne. He then went to Britain on a brief exploring expedition. In 54 BC he invaded Britain and defeated the Britons and their leader Cassivellaunus.   
  
The following winter the Roman legions were quartered separately because of the scarcity of food, and some Belgian tribes led by Ambiorix raised a revolt. One legion was utterly defeated and another, under Quintus Cicero, was in dire straits when Caesar arrived and routed the rebels. In 53 BC, Caesar put down another Belgian revolt and entered Germany again.   
  
But the real test came when, in the dead of winter, Caesar, in Italy, learned that all central Gaul had raised a revolt, organized by Vercingetorix. With incredible speed and brilliant tactics, Caesar crossed the Alps and suppressed the Gauls. After 51 BC, Caesar moved around Gaul putting down the last signs of disorder.   
  
Caesar's Gallic Wars were the theater in which he displayed his abilities, and his organization of the new territory was the seed of modern France. When Caesar became proconsul, he received a wide strip along the Mediterranean beyond the Alps; when he gave up his command, his territory included everything from the Rhine to the Pyrenees, from the Alps to the Atlantic. The prime source of the Gallic Wars is Caesar's own commentaries, De bello Gallico.  
  


Howard Kelpfroth wrote:

April,  
  
I was cleaning up at the Milborough Senior’s Living Palace when your step-grandmother Iris invited me to sample some of her cooking. I went inside their apartment and saw what she had in front of me. I said in a smarmy voice, “Oh you have New York Slice.” And she said, “Shut your mouth. These were invented in Canada on Vancouver Island. They are Nanaimo bars.” I apologized for my intentionally unpatriotic suggestion. I had one and I tried to be polite, but it was obvious she used a lot less sugar and chocolate than I use in my own recipe. It’s probably because both she and Jim are on restricted diets.  
  
Iris was telling me that she was baking in preparation for a very small pre-Thanksgiving card tournament that they are hosting. I said that sounded like a lot of fun. Then I said, “You wouldn’t, by any chance, know who’s been leaving books in the lobby downstairs. People have been tripping over them.” Iris said, “Oh that. Jim and I have joined a book club to keep us in reading material over the winter. We've been frustrated with trying to get to the library, which is all the way across town. Once we're finished with them, we surreptitiously leave them in the lobby downstairs and they find new homes right away.” I said, “Well, if you count the new home as a trash can, that’s true. Don’t leave books about randomly. It’s a safety hazard.” Iris said, “Well Mr. Snippy. You were a lot nicer when we were your surety.”  
  
At this point, in walked your mother. Iris spotted her and said, “Oh Elly. It’s so good of you to visit. This is Coward Helpforth, the custodian in our building.” Elly replied and said, “No. This is Roberta Curtolson, Becky McGuire’s nice music teacher.” Thinking fast I said, “Actually, Roberta Curtolson is my stage name. No one would want to hear music by Coward Helpforth.” Elly said, “That’s very sensible. Roberta Curtolson is a much more appealing name to me. I need to talk to you about what happened this morning.” Then she took me away from Iris’ prying ears. Once we were out in the hall, I said, “How did you find me here?” Elly said, “A subcutaneous GPS tracker my web designer Stephanie showed me how to use. I implant one on all my pastry chefs.” This freaked me out. Then Elly said, “I feel awful about what happened to you at work. I never imagined that you would be so attracted to me to actually attack me! But I wanted you to know that I forgive you. I am known for my ability to forgive bad behaviour from my staff. Just make sure to have a double batch of New York Slice ready for me tomorrow. I have a craving for them for some reason.” Then she turned and left and I saw Iris red in the face with anger. She screeched, “First of all it’s Nanaimo bars. Second of all, I cannot believe that Elly would try to steal her own daughter’s back-up gay. Get your car ready, Coward. We’re going shopping.” Iris was so insistent that I couldn’t refuse her, and actually it was kind of fun. Fortunately, some of those old lady styles with flower prints are in fashion for the young ladies today. I just had to steer Iris away from the floor length dresses. I presume that you are about Becky’s size. So, there is a dress with matching shoes and purse heading your way. The card that goes with it however, Iris wrote, and it is not particularly flattering to your mother, but it does have some kind words about you and a lot of mushy stuff supposedly from me. Iris wants to make sure your mother sees it and knows that it is coming from me, and I don’t know what she has in mind about that. She told me she was handling the delivery personally. Anyway, I think you’ll like the dress, even though it is not something you can wear to school.  
  


April Patterson wrote:

howard, it soundz like u've had a really strange day, even stranger than the other strange dayz u've been having l8ly. i'm glad i read yr post cuz it xplains a bizarro thing that just happed. the doorbell rang & my mom opened it thinking mayB it was her pie-of-the-month offering. & there was this weird singing-telegram guy dressed like a big gorilla & holding a package. to the tune of old mcdonald, he sang:  
  
elly patterson, she's a bitch,  
me-oh-me-oh-my  
when she knits, she drops a stitch,  
me-oh-me-oh-my,  
w/a drop, drop here  
& a drop, drop there,  
here a drop, there a drop,   
everywhere a drop, drop,  
elly patterson, she's a bitch,  
me-oh-me-oh-my  
  
april patterson, little lady,  
me-oh-me-oh-my,  
has a back-up-gay who isn't shady,  
me-oh-me-oh-my,  
back up here, back up there,  
here a back, there a back, everywhere a back, back,   
april patterson, little lady,  
me-oh-me-oh-my  
  
a dress & matching purse & shoes,   
me-oh-me-oh-my,  
w/rosy flowers & pretty blues,  
me-oh-me-oh-my,  
rosy flowers here, pretty blues there,  
here some flowers, there some blues,  
everywhere flowers & blues  
  
bite me hard, ol' jelly fat  
me-oh-me-oh-my  
have yr muffins w/a big butter pat,  
me-oh-me-oh-my  
a muffin here, a butter pat there (etc.)  
  
fr yr loving back up gay,  
me-oh-me-oh-my  
who's not gonna go away,  
me-oh-me-oh-my  
not go away here, not go away there (etc.)


End file.
